How can you tell?

[NintendoMan07]

Link to original post: [drupal=2852]How can you tell?[/drupal]



I've always been horrible at getting along with people. There have only been two exceptions in my life so far, and these two exceptions are my only real "friends".

So... I'm trying to work on that. The problem is, unfortunately, the human race doesn't come with an instruction book and so I stuck just... being myself. Which would be just fine, but I tend to be particular about people being open with me, which I guess is a bit too much to ask?

Anyway, I've been trying to get together with someone I know who happens to be in the local Smash scene so we can just... hang out. Play video games, whatever. We happen to have a somewhat common interest in RPGs, so I brought up to this guy about 4 months ago about trying to start a co-op Tales of game. At first it was gonna be Symphonia, then after a while he suggested Abyss.

Since that time, I've tried to contact him about every other weekend or so online to see what he was up to, and he was always busy. Homework or Brawl or whatever.

So my question is, how can I tell I'm trying to hard? One of my friends pretty much suggested that this idea was a lost cause and I'm just not sure what to think. For one thing this friend is pretty much a scrub: not in the competitive Smash scene, and no desire to change, but ultimately HATES competitive Smash. SO, I'm not sure if this is the anti-Smashboards part speaking or if he's actually right and I really SHOULD just drop this.

It's strange, I'm normally an incredibly pessimistic person yet here I am thinking "Well, there's always NEXT semester if this doesn't work out".

 

[Heartz♥]

Usually when you only seek one thing and fail to reach it, you tend to beat yourself up. It's best to never put all your eggs in one basket. There are some people you can spend time with, and there are some you cannot.

It's all about compatibility, whether it is timing, location, personal preference, etc. I think the issue is that you are focusing on one thing, and when you can't achieve, you feel a bit down. It isn't that you are trying too hard at all, it's just that your priorities are a bit mixed up. There should never just be one person you want to be close to. There should always be a B and a C, not just an A.

 

[3747373796432]

<3z pretty much hit the nail on the head. People tend to think I'm shy, but I definitely have the confidence to approach people, it's just that no matter how outgoing and friendly I try to be, there's not many people I can talk to because I'm different, so I generally keep to myself. You can't force friendship, you've got to have some important values and interests in common.

 

[Teran]

For me, you're trying too hard when you try at all with people. I'm far too self important to seek the approval and companionship of others.

If they really want to be my friend that bad then they can come and talk to me. I don't need friends, so there's no use in me trying for them.

I'm not sure if this outlook can be applied to you though.

 

[Heartz♥]

For me, you're trying too hard when you try at all with people. I'm far too self important to seek the approval and companionship of others.

If they really want to be my friend that bad then they can come and talk to me. I don't need friends, so there's no use in me trying for them.

I'm not sure if this outlook can be applied to you though.

As impossible as it sounds, you make it sound rather legit.

 

[Teran]

Well it is legit because it works for me.

Thing is, you can't compare apples to oranges.

 

[Heartz♥]

Thing is, you can't compare apples to oranges.

 

[NintendoMan07]

Usually when you only seek one thing and fail to reach it, you tend to beat yourself up. It's best to never put all your eggs in one basket. There are some people you can spend time with, and there are some you cannot.

It's all about compatibility, whether it is timing, location, personal preference, etc. I think the issue is that you are focusing on one thing, and when you can't achieve, you feel a bit down. It isn't that you are trying too hard at all, it's just that your priorities are a bit mixed up. There should never just be one person you want to be close to. There should always be a B and a C, not just an A.

<3z pretty much hit the nail on the head. People tend to think I'm shy, but I definitely have the confidence to approach people, it's just that no matter how outgoing and friendly I try to be, there's not many people I can talk to because I'm different, so I generally keep to myself. You can't force friendship, you've got to have some important values and interests in common.

The strange thing is I didn't quite understand this (at least I don't think I did), but...

For me, you're trying too hard when you try at all with people. I'm far too self important to seek the approval and companionship of others.

If they really want to be my friend that bad then they can come and talk to me. I don't need friends, so there's no use in me trying for them.

I'm not sure if this outlook can be applied to you though.

...I got this loud and clear.

I don't know what to think, really. I went with this approach in high school/junior high and I pretty much got slammed hard when it came to socializing. I'm even betting it was my high school experience that set me up for my failures now in college. Then again, on a larger scale, I'm not much different in college. I don't talk much, rarely start or join conversations, I'm just... there. It seems like I'm failing whether I try or not.

The only thing I seem to understand from <3z's post was not forcing things (or was that stabby's point? I just confused myself), which I know about, but leads to another question of what "forced" is. We talk after or before class, but online it's a different story. And I haven't been bugging him about this every single weekend, just whenever I see that we both might not be busy.

This would be so much easier if he told me flat out that I'm being annoying and that I need to leave him alone.

 

[Heartz♥]

In layman's terms, never beat yourself up because you can't gain an attachment with another. Don't dawdle with one person; have many candidates. Etcetera, etcetera....

 

[altairian]

To answer the question that you posed directly: you can tell you're trying too hard when you start to think "maybe I'm trying too hard".

I'd try to offer more advice, but I'm not sure what you meant by being "particular" about people being open with you.

 

[Red the Ghost]

The strange thing is I didn't quite understand this (at least I don't think I did), but...



...I got this loud and clear.

I don't know what to think, really. I went with this approach in high school/junior high and I pretty much got slammed hard when it came to socializing. I'm even betting it was my high school experience that set me up for my failures now in college. Then again, on a larger scale, I'm not much different in college. I don't talk much, rarely start or join conversations, I'm just... there. It seems like I'm failing whether I try or not.

The only thing I seem to understand from <3z's post was not forcing things (or was that stabby's point? I just confused myself), which I know about, but leads to another question of what "forced" is. We talk after or before class, but online it's a different story. And I haven't been bugging him about this every single weekend, just whenever I see that we both might not be busy.

This would be so much easier if he told me flat out that I'm being annoying and that I need to leave him alone.

I find what works best in this situation for my own self-doubt is to shed my hesitation and just be up front about it. "I'm not being annoying, am I?" or "are you interested in hanging out at all?" work wonders for getting down to the point.
Second guessing yourself solves nothing, though.

Anyway, you seem to be one to not talk when you have nothing to say, and I can certainly relate to you there. It's not the easiest to make friends with that sort of nature, but to add to what <3z said, if you find you aren't sure what those alternate options should be, perhaps you just have to wait until you find somebody you are compatible with. And when you think you may have something in common with another or you notice an interesting conversation, don't hesitate to let yourself be known.

A lack of friends isn't the most enjoyable thing -- I dealt with it for several years, but try not to get too discouraged. If there are any specific situations you're unsure about, which I'd probably be able to help out with more, feel free to PM me.

 

[SuperBowser]

You shouldn't need to ask someone to go out or do something more than twice. If you're worried that you're trying too hard and they already said no twice, just leave it. If they care enough, they'll call you and arrange something themselves since they know you already tried.

I only ask more than once when I know they'll say yes the next time or they had a proper excuse the first time.

 

[Nelo Vergil]

Ah, friends, how complicated they can be, some stay hidden in the shadows, others are very open to your inner light, different people do different things. For one, its possible your friend is just busy, and since its as lax as playing an RPG hes most likely beaten anyway, its probably something he'll just leave on the back burners unless you set a date, and even then, homework happens. Its also full well your friend just doesnt care enough to do this, in which case its simple, pack up, move on, and dont waste your time dawdling over it. If you really care enough to hang out with them, just be straight forward and tell them that, its that simple.

 

[NintendoMan07]

To answer the question that you posed directly: you can tell you're trying too hard when you start to think "maybe I'm trying too hard".

I'd try to offer more advice, but I'm not sure what you meant by being "particular" about people being open with you.

I had a feeling someone would bring that up. I guess that's true, lol.

OH, and:

This would be so much easier if he told me flat out that I'm being annoying and that I need to leave him alone.

This is what I meant about being particular. If you're not obvious about it, there's a good 75% chance I won't get it.

I find what works best in this situation for my own self-doubt is to shed my hesitation and just be up front about it. "I'm not being annoying, am I?" or "are you interested in hanging out at all?" work wonders for getting down to the point.
Second guessing yourself solves nothing, though.

Anyway, you seem to be one to not talk when you have nothing to say, and I can certainly relate to you there. It's not the easiest to make friends with that sort of nature, but to add to what <3z said, if you find you aren't sure what those alternate options should be, perhaps you just have to wait until you find somebody you are compatible with. And when you think you may have something in common with another or you notice an interesting conversation, don't hesitate to let yourself be known.

A lack of friends isn't the most enjoyable thing -- I dealt with it for several years, but try not to get too discouraged. If there are any specific situations you're unsure about, which I'd probably be able to help out with more, feel free to PM me.

Actually, I have at points mentioned that maybe we should drop the whole deal or that maybe I'm just getting in the way of his Smash career and he himself had actually told me otherwise, of course, this was still back when the idea was fresh. As of late, I don't have a clue and I probably won't, considering he doesn't talk to me at all now.

And thanks for the advice.

You shouldn't need to ask someone to go out or do something more than twice. If you're worried that you're trying too hard and they already said no twice, just leave it. If they care enough, they'll call you and arrange something themselves since they know you already tried.

I only ask more than once when I know they'll say yes the next time or they had a proper excuse the first time.

I'll refer you to the above response, since you'll see I haven't gotten a "no", but more like a "...".

Ah, friends, how complicated they can be, some stay hidden in the shadows, others are very open to your inner light, different people do different things. For one, its possible your friend is just busy, and since its as lax as playing an RPG hes most likely beaten anyway, its probably something he'll just leave on the back burners unless you set a date, and even then, homework happens. Its also full well your friend just doesnt care enough to do this, in which case its simple, pack up, move on, and dont waste your time dawdling over it. If you really care enough to hang out with them, just be straight forward and tell them that, its that simple.

I would go with the being busy part, except now it's gotten to the point where he puts up the away flag the second I say "Hey".

Again, a "YOU'RE ANNOYING GO AWAY" would be absolutely AWESOME at this point, no lie.

 

[§witch]

Stop caring so much.

Carry this advice with you for the rest of your life; think of me when you finally take a woman to bed.

You're welcome.

 

[NintendoMan07]

Stop caring so much.

While this is the kind of way I'd like to hear things, I can much easily fix my actions than I can a part of my personality.

Still, I'm working on this, in incredibly tiny steps.

Carry this advice with you for the rest of your life; think of me when you finally take a woman to bed.

Not sure what the "think of me" part is about, but I'll say that this really doesn't have much effect, considering I don't have an interest in women (or men, before you jump to conclusions). Besides, the human race screws me over rather regularly anyway.

You're welcome.

Thank you?

 

[SuperBowser]

I'll refer you to the above response, since you'll see I haven't gotten a "no", but more like a "...".

Take that as a no. If you think you're trying too hard, don't ask anymore. He knows you asked already and can now arrange it any time himself if he's bothered.

But yeah, it helps if you just care less