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Her (my first poem)

doom dragon 105

Smash Lord
Joined
Sep 17, 2006
Messages
1,487
Location
Miami
Well in class today we had to do a "OBR" in English. OBR's are like a little warm up or w/e and we had to write about the most beautiful guy/girl we have ever seen. Obviously i wrote about a girl who goes by the name Shawn Johnson lol you know the Olympian gymnast, 16 years old ,yeah well anyways I liked the way it came out so here it is *it's short I know*


Her coy yet capturing eyes are a lush and vivid hue of brown
Such strong eyes, they are full of joy, energy and strength, yet soft and calm like the melodious lull of a piano
Her face is envied by even the most majestic of roses, such a face that Aphrodite herself grew covetous of it
The young maidens face is perfection in it's purest form, women from all the land yourn for this face, thus tainting their hearts green
Her body is unrivaled by even the most divine goddess, her agility and flexibility surpasses that of rubber
Such a body isn't possible for a mere mortal, what a feet this woman has reached
Her hair is so fair and soft yet silky, it's as if it was of a gold silk from the heavens

It's not done btw
 

Kid5day

Smash Rookie
Joined
Jul 20, 2008
Messages
23
Location
St Charles, IL
Pretty good, if you're gonna update it like you say, I think you should add a metaphor or two in there.

Also when you wrote "feet" I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be "feat." Minor misspelling, doesn't really matter. When you put tainting their hearts green, were you thinking that green is the color of jealousy, or was that unintentional, either way pretty cool.
 

Kinzer

Mammy
Joined
Jun 2, 2008
Messages
10,397
Location
Las Vegas, NV
NNID
Kinzer
3DS FC
2251-6533-0581
Pretty sure he meant that, from what I know Green is the color of greed/jealousy/desire/etc., just like the dollar bill.

Anyway good poem, paints a good picture.
 

estion11

Smash Apprentice
Joined
Sep 25, 2007
Messages
165
Location
california... knows how to party
hey lets write a poem. What should i write about? i KNOW! a girl! Ill list different body parts and write adjectives about how good they are. Sorry to be harsh as its your first poem but this is overly formulaic uncreative and sugary sweet so that i have to resist gagging. Other than that great job.
 
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