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Heat (a flash fiction story)

DerpDaBerp

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Frankie walked into the garage to see the lower half of his father on a roller board under an elevated car frame. The clicking of some turning instrument echoed out from underneath.

“Hey, Dad.”

“Hey, bud.” The response sounded distanced by the speaking end of his father hiding in the metallic depths of his work.

“How’s the car going?”

“Troublesome as usual,” he chuckled.

There was a pause for a few moments.

Frankie’s father could see his son’s feet walk over, and they showed that he was now leaning against a workbench opposite the car.

“How’s, um, Madison?” Dad asked.

“You mean Alison?”

“Oh, I… hell, you know I’m bad with names.”

“It’s cool. But, she and I,” he shuffled his feet, “aren’t really together anymore.”

“Eh? What happened?”

“Oh, nothing bad. Nothing, like, hostile. She moved. She’s going to school out of state.”

“That’s too bad, bud. When’s she coming back?”

“I don’t think she is.”

There was a metallic sigh from under the car. “Well I’m sorry to hear that, Franklin. I, um… well your mother’s usually better to talk to about these kinds of things.”

Frankie didn’t respond.

A while passed where the only sound was the pervading clicking.

“You know the problem with cars?” Frankie started.

“Ha, I could name a few,” Dad responded, “What's up?”

Frankie walked over toward shotgun.

“It’s that you invest all that energy and there’s all that gasoline combusting to get the car up and going, and you’ve got a bunch of momentum keeping you that way. But if you come to a stop, where does all the energy go?”

The clicking from under the car stopped.

“You lose it,” he continued, “All that momentum lost through the heat of your brakes. All that heat. All that energy, with nowhere to go but out and away. Wasted.”

There was another pause. His dad wheeled his way out from under the body of the car. He stood up beside Frankie and wiped at the oil stains on his hands and face with a rag from his pocket. He brought his burly arm around his son’s shoulders.

“Let’s have a drink, I’m sure your mother’s busy.”
 

DerpDaBerp

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word count: 362


fun fact: Wikipedia says flash fiction style is often called "smoke long" in China, being that the story should be finished before the reader can finish smoking a cigarette. :)
 

Jam Stunna

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I think this piece would be stronger with less narration. Lines like, "...he shuffled his feet" take away from the immediacy of the dialogue.
 

DerpDaBerp

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I was thinking it was feeling too rushed with almost nothing but dialogue.
Thanks for the reassurance :)

:phone:
 

Jam Stunna

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Well, I mean it is rushed, but if you're going to stay in this format, then you might as well make it as strong as you can.
 

Jam Stunna

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Okay, so after sleeping on this story, I think we can work at it to make it feel less rushed and still conform to the rules of flash fiction. I have a few suggestions, but before I get to them I want to make sure I understand your story correctly. Where is the center of the story for you: with the father, the son or their relationship?
 

DerpDaBerp

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Well it'd be between the two of them I suppose
I was trying to find a way to fit the car analogy into a story. Tryin' to bring out the sympathy of the father with a son that needs to connect with someone
 

Jam Stunna

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I would caution you that what you just described are three different things:

1) The relationship between them- pretty straightforward, you need both characters
2) Bringing out the sympathy of the father- This perspective focuses more on the character of the father
3) A son that needs to connect with someone- This perspective focuses more on the needs of the son, and he doesn't necessarily need to be talking to his dad

In a longer piece, you could tackle all three of these, because they are different: one focuses on the father, one on the son, and one on both. In a flash fiction piece (especially this one that doesn't even go past 400 words) you have to be super focused on one aspect of your story. You have to choose who's perspective dominates the piece, the father or the son, and stay narrowly focused on it. I would suggest writing about one of your characters instead of writing about their relationship; if you draw your character well enough, the relationship will be clear.

Also, I suggest re-working the car analogy. If you want to include it in the story, that's fine, but I don't think it works as a moment-of-truth analogy where the father suddenly realizes the error of his way. A realization like that isn't going to happen in four hundred words, which in real time is about three minutes of conversation.
 

DerpDaBerp

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I kinda wanted it to hinge on the analogy. The comparison is supposed to be between the "wasted energy" of having to come to a stop and his relationship ending with that girl. Sounds like I undershot that a little bit :embarrass:

...realizing that means I misunderstood your first question lol
 

Jam Stunna

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Yeah, it didn't come across at all that the car analogy was about Frankie and Alison and not Frankie and his father. Especially since his dad reacts so strongly to it.

:phone:
 

GoldShadow

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I like the story (though I think it could use some work), and I disagree with Jam that the analogy doesn't come across as concerning Frankie and his girlfriend. I thought it was very clear what Frankie was referring to.

My issue is that it's not a very strong analogy, ie it's really stretching and bending over backwards to try and show that a car stopping is like a breakup. You can definitely find a stronger metaphor that better expresses this idea.

But I do agree with this comment Jam made:
I think this piece would be stronger with less narration. Lines like, "...he shuffled his feet" take away from the immediacy of the dialogue.
Overall, I liked what you did, and I don't think this is a case of "father realizing the error of his ways in a span of five minutes." That wasn't the vibe I got from it at all. Rather, I saw a main character whose father, though he did care, was always kind of distant and had trouble expressing himself. His father probably spent time doing things with his son when he was still growing up--manly things, fishing, car stuff, football, sawing firewood--so it's not as if his father has ignored the kid, just that he's always been stoic. But at least there is a very thin line of communication/understanding between them, that is to say, the two aren't total strangers to one another.

And even though dad is probably not Frankie's go-to guy for personal stuff, Frankie is currently going through a hard time, and he's grasping at anything/anyone he can reach, and he just wants his dad to connect with him because dad is a guy, and maybe a guy can understand. And he also knows his dad well enough to understand that perhaps he just has to speak dad's language--cars--to get him to understand. It's obvious that they don't talk very often, and probably haven't spent much time together (not since Frankie's boyhood, at least), but they do seem to know each other. So it's not "dad realizes the error of his ways," it's "son reaches out and dad grasps his hand."

Anyway, that's what I take away from the story. Maybe I'm extrapolating or drawing conclusions from nothing, but you've done a good enough job crafting characters (as much as characters can be crafted in 400 words, heh) that I'm able to do so.

Okay, I'm done rambling.
 

Crimson King

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Other than setting up the scene, I would take out all narration. Use the dialogue alone to drive the story.

With the analogy part, this will be difficult, but if you can pull it off, add more back and forth, then it will be much stronger.
 

DerpDaBerp

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Oh man. Thanks for all that, Gold. it's good to know I could get that across.

Yeah I think the consensus being that I should take out a bunch of narration and make the analogy stronger is where I'll take it.

CK, like back and forth between cars and Alison?

:phone:
 

Crimson King

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Oh man. Thanks for all that, Gold. it's good to know I could get that across.

Yeah I think the consensus being that I should take out a bunch of narration and make the analogy stronger is where I'll take it.

CK, like back and forth between cars and Alison?

:phone:
Yeah. Where he starts the analogy, instead of having a mini-monologue (it's only about 4 sentences, but that's the longest anyone speaks), it should have a bit more exposition. Some methods I'd see are the dad not catching the analogy at first and being a bit puzzled, the son struggling to make the comparison, and the dad realizing that his son is basically asking for help. Like Jam said, though, you need to decide what is the single point of this story then work from there.
 

Dr. James Rustles

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Yeah, it didn't come across at all that the car analogy was about Frankie and Alison and not Frankie and his father. Especially since his dad reacts so strongly to it.

:phone:
I thought it was pretty clear he was making metaphors, but then again I am also the kind of person who actually likes The Matrix (that is, I could see something in nothing).
 
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