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Finale

Kalm

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Enterprise, Alabama
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This is my hobby. It is an unnamed fiction staring many characters of my completely unique (and copyrighted) design. The setting is intoductory, but it does not take place at the beginning of events. Therefore, this that I am posting is a section of the greater story, but chosen as a way to introduce aspects of the world as well as some of the protagonists and antagonists.

Along with chapters I will present background, character information, and other things posted along this thread in between things. The chapters will be listed from 1-15, but they will of course be changed when I finally do write everything in its entirety and piece it together, these chapters will likely be in the early 100s.

I apprectiate all serious feedback, and can answer any question that I feel does not spoil the plot, Enjoy. =)
 

Kalm

Smash Journeyman
Joined
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Messages
496
Location
Enterprise, Alabama
NNID
Unibias
3DS FC
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Introduction

ALL character designs are copyrighted.
Chapter 1: Why am I here?


Why was I here? I looked around in a stupor, it seemed almost as if time had stopped. I turned my gaze to focus on Karin, down on one knee, she was looking straight forward with her teethed clenched tightly. Shifting my eyes over toward the Ruby Dragon, I examined it in mid lunge... a sight that would astonish many people I was sure. After only a brief moment however I turned to look back at Karin, she had her eyes turned away from our foe, she was hardly bracing herself for the attack.

"Why am I fighting?" I asked aloud to myself.

My vision trailed to the bloodstained ground. What was happening? Why was I here? The shine of my family sword, the Crysalis, caught my attention. Staring at myself in the blade of the weapon, I longed to be back with the ones I loved, especially now, here in this moment I was sure to die. The sword in my hand turned ever so slightly, revealing another face... a face I had seen before in a flash, just as I had now. I looked up and found the answer to my questions staring right at me.

It was him. He was not hiding in the shadows, but for some reason he seemed difficult to detect. Yet there he was with his trademark glare, piercing my soul with a gaze that seemed to create the very definition of evil. His hair was gray and messy, his clothes and headband were torn and tattered, his face was wrinkled and twisted into a permanant scowl. That old man was the reason I was here, it was because of him I fought. It was all his fault.

He stood tall and strong despite the appearance of his age, one arm crooked against his waist, the other clenching his sword turned backwards, the tip pointed to the ground. The very moment I focused on his weapon I felt as if I would be sick. Even though there was a good distance between us, I was attacked by the stench of death. The broad blade of his sword was completely soaked with blood, one would say it was dripping wet with it, but I knew no drop of blood would ever fall from the edge of that sword for as long as that man wielded it.

"That man..." I muttered under my breath.

"That man." I said louder, feeling the rage surface, my consiousness slipping away as the anger consumed my thoughts and my body.

"YOU!" I screamed at the top of my lungs!

I tightened my grip on my family heirloom and prepared to rush forward. That man is going to die this day! I will charge into him like a hurricane and obliterate him and his putrid existence!

I drew my sword back, stood up straight, and drew back ready to charge in, only to find I could not step forward. I was losing control, I wanted to kill him so badly! Why could I not attack!?

"You're scared, aren't you?" A familiar voice said softly to me.
 

Kalm

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ALL character designs are copyrighted.
Chapter 2: Why I was here.



The voice forced a hesitation in my thoughts. Was I really scared under all of that anger?

"Mathias, do not forget why you are here." It stated calmly.

I was confused, wondering what it meant.

"Why am I here?" I asked myself.

Time had stopped it seemed.

"I can't even begin to imagine what kind of people would live like this," Karin commented as we wandered from room to room in the underground ruins our enemies had fled to. "It doesn't make since, all of the plantlife is dead and rotted. There's no signs that anything has lived here in a long time, but something is still powering these doors."

As much as I hated to waste my time wondering about it, the state of things were interesting. Everything we had seen up to this point was long dead, but the energy that powered the lights and doorways could only come from something living. Was there a living being down here that was producing the energy needed for these lost ruins?

"Does it really matter?" I responded half-heartedly. "We did not come here to marvel in the exploits of a dead civilization."

This was indeed a fact, we were only here following Zinowa, after having fought him near the entrance of this place. It really didn't matter what it used to be, all that mattered was that it could be his base of operations. Apparently stating such an obvious fact annoyed her, as Karin replied with nothing more than a frustrated sigh.

We continued through, not stopping to observe what we passed and taking every left at every fork we came upon so we would not get lost. Blaine had already chosen to split up and cover more ground with Alyssa despite the indicent earlier. In our struggle against Zinowa and his Saphire Dragon, Zinowa wielded a special kind of sword that he used to somehow drain all the dark energy from Blaine, leaving him unable to even stand on his feet. Jarrod and his friends fought alongside Karin, Alyssa and I against Zinowa and his Saphire Dragon, but they both proved to be quite powerful and we were facing a possible defeat. Fortunately though, Blaine finally gained enough strength to take up his weapon and join us in the end, which was just enough to prevail. Though we slayed the Shaphire Dragon with our combined efforts, Zinowa escaped on one of the local dragons he kept tamed in the area. It was in the mountains he fled into that we found these ominous ruins.

"There's no telling what kind of traps are in this place." I recalled Blaine saying as I found myself bothered by the arguement we had after entering Zinowa's hideout and discovering the complexity of it's design.

"Zinowa more than likely planned to lead us here." Alyssa agreed. "He could be anywhere deep within these hallways, he probably expects us to die just trying to get to him."

It was after only a short walk inside we entered a large room with a dome shaped ceiling, tables and chairs scattered about. If I had to guess I would've believed myself to be in the remains of an old restraunt. Still though, we found multiple paths leading in all directions.

"We should not waste time deciding which path to take." I stated, pointing to the far left door.

"Very wise choice," Blaine said sarcastically while backing up toward the far right door. "Then if you don't mind I'll go this way, in the exact oppisite direction."

Karin cocked an eyebrow at him, "What're you doing?"

He grinned at her question without breaking pace. "Isn't it obvious? Let's split up gang!"

Alyssa looked to each of us and began to move toward him. I however was baffled by such a ridiculous idea. After the battle outside, Jarrod decided not to pursue Zinowa with us after his escape. So this choice was going to leave us in two groups of two.

"You haven't recovered all of your powers yet and you've done quite well to prove your uselessness without them up to now, you do realize you'll likely die alone right?"

He glared at me for only a moment, showing the slightest bit of anger and nothing more before laughing. "Heh, the only people likely to die in here are people like you. Don't underestimate what Alyssa and I can do as a team." He closed his eyes with a smirk on his face and turned to continue toward the door he chose. "Not like someone like you would know anything about teamwork anyways, you can't even count to two!" He called back to me just before bumping right into the door, obviously with his eyes still closed. He then stopped and stared dumbly at what had proven to be an obstacle for him. "So... how the heck do we open this thing?"

I found myself grinning at the thought of Blaine's failed attempt to walk through walls and ironically bumped into Karin. She glared back at me for only a brief moment but decided not to comment as I greeted her with the most plain of looks. We had stopped at a suspicous doorway of our own. She ran her hand along the wall and pressed a panel of some sort, fortunately it served no purpose other than to notify whatever living being was here to open the door, which rose into the ceiling. We walked in to find the same thing we found in every single room we had been in up to this point save for one difference. There was nothing but a large red column placed exactly in the center of another large blank pointless room with another meaningless tall dome ceiling.

"Looks like something here doesn't belong." She said, almost to herself.

I looked over to her to examine her posture, despite the heavy dark purple armor covering her arms and entire upper torso and her spear sheithed on her back, she stood completely straight and alert, both her hands on her waist. Her face was turned away from me to examine the column, showing only her short pink hair. She didn't seem bothered or scared by what we had come across in the least.

"Another strong observation I see." I muttered, looking to inspect the crown of my sword just in time to ignore a cold stare. I then looked up as I heard the footsteps of her closing in on the object ahead, and finally turned to look behind me after hearing the sound of the door closing behind us.

"It seems we've entered one of those famous traps Karin." I said loudly for her to hear.

Instead of another annoyed response from her however, I heard laughter. Laughter from a male voice. I quickly turned back as Karin drew her spear from her back, stepping away from our ruby colored column, which had begun cumbling and chipping away, revealing something shaped like a dragon.
 

Jam Stunna

Writer of Fortune
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This is better than most of the stuff that's posted around here, but there are still alot of problems. The first chapter reads exactly like what I'd imagine a novelized anime would read like: slow, vague, and overdramatic. You should tone down your writing style.

The second chapter is much better than the first in that regard, but most of the paragraphs are extremely wordy. You could cut out about 50% of what you wrote and it would greatly improve the story overall. For example:

He glared at me for only a moment, showing the slightest bit of anger and nothing more before laughing. "Heh, the only people likely to die in here are people like you. Don't underestimate what Alyssa and I can do as a team." He closed his eyes with a smirk on his face and turned to continue toward the door he chose. "Not like someone like you would know anything about teamwork anyways, you can't even count to two!" He called back to me just before bumping right into the door, obviously with his eyes still closed. He then stopped and stared dumbly at what had proven to be an obstacle for him. "So... how the heck do we open this thing?"
could be rewritten as:

He glared at me for a moment.

"Don't underestimate what Alyssa and I can do as a team," He walked towards the door, smirking. "Not like someone like you would know anything about teamwork. You can't even count to two!" He tried to open the door, instead crashing dumbly into it. He turned back to us sheepishly.

"So...how the heck do we open this thing?"
I think that my revisions communicate the same ideas, but in a much more concise and direct way. Be careful of over-explaining things. Using too many words is just as bad as not using enough.
 

Kalm

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Thank you very much for the words.

Yes, I've come to realize by now that I messed up a good bit of things for the first chapter. When I finished with the 15 I plan to do right now I intend to give everything one last overhaul and combine most of the chapters anyways. That would result in about 8 chapters, and I would be able to space out a lot more and keep the opening less cliche.

As for chapter 2, this is probably the chapter with the most dialogue, if not then the second most at least. I consider Dialogue to be my weakness at this moment as well. My response to your great suggestion is this...
The perspective and observations are taken from the character Mathias and presented to the reader. As the plot progressed I hoped that the reader could become very familiar with the personailty of Mathias based on how he observes and presents information. That was my orignal intention in having some phrases drawn out. Do you think I should back up a little on that idea?

As for the dialogue from Blaine himself, I was trying to portray a lot of his character in this chapter, because out of this entire section this is the part Blaine will have. The first strong point that I see is how much more neat your version looks, it's easier on the eyes. Did I make a grammatical mistake in the way I wrote that portion, or did you just excersise an option that made it look better?
In the editing, I was trying to make sure that Blaine remained a comic relief character. I was interested that you decided to edit Blaine saying Mathias was likely to die but left in where he stated Mathias could not count. What led you to that descision?

Anyways, I saw a lot in what you posted, and I can easily see myself applying what you've shown me to what I continue writing and to the final final draft of what I have so far. I really appreciate the compliment you gave me, I've been searching for anyone who could respond to my writing with something more than "*clap* thats great write more!".

I would very much like you to continue reading my material if thats fine with you. Tommorow I'll have Chapter 3 and a piece of Backstory posted. I look forward to the opinions of how my work develops.
 

Jam Stunna

Writer of Fortune
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To address your questions:

1) There's nothing wrong with presenting the story through one character's views and focusing on that character. But always remember, "Show, don't tell." Show your reader the character through his actions, his thoughts, hits feelings. Don't tell us about him in long expository sentences or descriptions. Think of each word you use as a color: when you paint, you don't just pile on colors, because then you get a brownish, sloppy mess. Same with words. Choose them carefully to paint your literary picture.

2) One of the reasons it looks better is because it's shorter. You didn't do anything grammatically incorrect, but you used too many words to describe the scene. Tell the reader what he needs to know, but let him fill in the rest. The editing I did wasn't for it to look better, but for it to read better. I suppose the two go hand-in-hand.

3) I just felt the line about Mathias being likely to die was unnecessary. It doesn't sound like something a person would naturally say.

Yeah, I'd be more than happy to continue editing your story. Keep posting it, and I'll keep reading it.
 

Crimson King

I am become death
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Messages
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Advice - don't edit your novel until it's done. A few novelists and aspiring novelists have been crippled by this fault, myself included, because they want that first chapter flawless. If you notice, Jam, an accurate and excellent editor, did not go too in-depth with the story, and stayed on a mostly stylistic level. The reason is, he does not know the story's full purpose.

It is highly possible, and even likely, that by the end of the novel, you'll go back and rewrite chapter one. Just finish it and you'll be that much happier.
 

Kalm

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Yes, I understand and embrace the fact that I'll have plenty of flaws. At this point, I don't plan on making anything more than the most minor of changes to what I've already presented. The first chapter was too short and too vague, but I feel that even with it's flaws it still fulfills it's one important purpose: to make the reader read the next chapter.
So, no need to change it right now as long as it doesn't suck so bad it makes people stop early.

Well, here is some more of my work. Be sure and tell me if I'm repeating the same problem in my later chapters please. As well as anything else you want to add, of course.
 

Kalm

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Messages
496
Location
Enterprise, Alabama
NNID
Unibias
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ALL character designs are copyrighted.
Chapter 3: The Dragon and the Angel


As the pillar of red stone crumbled away to reveal what seemed more and more of a new enemy to me, I quickly scanned the room one last time in search of obstacles and the source of the laughter. Oddly though the room was entirely plain. I would have assumed it was another recreation room, but if it was then it's furnishings were removed. Light flowed in from the domed ceiling and kept things visible enough, save for the dimness along the walls. There was nothing here and no place for something or someone to hide. I had no choice but to face the obvious foe in front of me.

"We were expecting something like this all along," I called out to Karin as I calmly drew my sword from it's sheath. "This is obviously another one of Zinowa's creations, a Ruby Dragon, I suppose. So let's deal with it and move forward without wasting too much time."

Karin nodded in response without taking her eyes off the monster, which had began to animate and stretch its long, slender legs and its broad wings. Its overall size was impressive. Standing on all four legs, it was taller than both Karin and I, and I assumed it would be very fast too.

"Yeah," she replied, readying herself to attack, "Lets just hope it's not as strong as the blue one then."

"Our best strategy is to focus attacks on one spot and cripple it," I continued. "I doubt it will take much to pierce it's skin.

This time Karin seemingly ignored me. Her contempt for me was always made obvious in this way. I was sure she was likely annoyed by the ominous foe in the area and didn't care to take orders from me either way. I sighed to myself, I couldn't be held responsible if she died for being so narrow minded while fighting.

The dragon hunched back and let loose a deafening roar, then charged toward Karin. The distance between them was small, so she had no time to move out of it's way. Instead she pointed her spear forward and charged into him as well. During the time it took for them to reach each other I altered the weight of my body to make it extremely light. Karin and the Ruby Dragon collided. She drove her spear into it's left shoulder, but was trampled and tossed aside in the process. I immediately fired a volley of energy at the dragon and leapt forward. The energy hit around its fresh wound and the dragon turned to look where I once stood just as I flew over it. I once again shifted my weight to make my body incredibly heavy and slammed into its back with great force, causing its slender legs to buckle and dazing it. I glanced where Karin's spear struck. The dragon's skin was tougher than I had expected, and it was barely pierced. Determined to make it's wound more dire I slashed at it violently and relentlessly. After close to a dozen strikes the dragon had finally begun to flail around and I finished with a quick stab centered into the cut before jumping to safety again.

The dragon rose to it's feet, growling and snarling in pain while flailing it's head and tail in anger. I looked to Karin and saw that she was still catching her breath from the previous attack. I was sure she would be ready to fight in only a few moments. However, I wasn't prepared to wait for her to make another mistake, such as dealing such a light blow to the enemy while taking so much damage. Instead I planned to lunge forward and finish the dragon with my next attack. I turned to face it as it glared at me with glowing red eyes. A look like that would intimidate most warriors, but I wasn't one to show fear so easily. I readied my sword behind me as I prepared to charge in. Dodging a clumsy swipe and going for it's throat would be the easiest way you kill it.

"It is fortunate this dragon is weaker," I thought to myself, "The Sapphire Dragon had skin much tougher than this one, it took all of my strongest attacks just to pierce it in the slightest."

I began to condense my energy into two sections of my body, a small portion emerged from my left hand in the form of a deep blue orb. The other flowed from my right hand into my sword, and it began to glow dimly. The orb of energy floated near me and I launched myself forward at maximum speed, prepared to destroy the dragon with my Lightning Stab. During this time it had slowly backed up in anticipation of my attack, so I was required to clear the entire length of the room to reach it, a mere 50 yards at best. After only a few seconds of running was I ready to strike. I prepared to dash forward with a burst of speed as the dragon opened it's mouth and... fire!

I had already propelled myself forward and right into it's flames! There was no way to expect an attack like that. I was taken completely off guard and engulfed in the fiery cone it spewed from its mouth. I hit the ground in pain and found myself unable to move from it's devastating heat. I cried out in anguish as I felt the energy from my Lightning Orb release and strike the dragon. It wasn't enough to stun it though and I remained under attack, unable to escape for what seemed like forever. The pain I was in made what was likely only a few moments into an eternity before the fires finally died down. I opened my fluttering eyes to see arrows flying into the Ruby Dragon's head, mostly ricocheting off but interrupting it's terrible onslaught against me.
I tried to rise to my feet but found myself so badly injured I was barely moving an inch at a time. I had never been hurt so badly so quickly before. The dragon discovered I was still alive and began to limp toward me to finish me off. I frantically searched across the room with glazed vison and saw Karin releasing the string from her weapon, the Pearl, and latching its shaft back into place to convert it from a bow into a spear again. I felt the ground tremor beneath me and looked to see the Ruby Dragon standing right above me. I had only risen to my knees and had no way to escape. It slowly raised a claw to strike at me. I couldn't think of any way to defend myself, I was sure to be killed. I waited for the blow to fall upon me, but just before its attack Karin's spear flew directly into its more grievous wound. It roared again and fell on its side, and I fell to the ground again as the ringing in my ears was unbearable. There were a few moments where I tried to rise again, unable to open my eyes or hear but feeling the vibrations of the battle continuing around me. Finally the ringing died down and I began to hear muffled sounds of the fight, turning to look toward them as I stood on one knee.

Karin had already retrieved her spear but appeared to have taken further damage along with the Ruby Dragon. There was a fair amount of distance between them and an even greater distance between them and me. She kicked the center of her spear and broke it into a curve again, quickly pulling the string taut and pulling an arrow from the small quiver at her waist. She shot an arrow, and to our surprise the dragon retaliated by launching a fireball. She barely had a chance to move to the side as the ball of fire burned through her arrow and struck her side. Avoiding very little of the attack, she fell to her knees and braced against her bow. The dragon slowly limped step after clumsy step to her. I tried to rise and fight but my body spasmed with agony, I was completely immobile. My body was rapidly healing my wounds but I still needed much more time in order to be able to fight again. The dragon continued to close in on Karin as she frantically tried to re-convert her bow into a spear, something she seemed to be incapable of doing.

"****." I coughed between grunts of pain.

I underestimated the enemy and now Karin was going to die for it. I took her life for granted, forgetting that it was my life that was worthless. I should not have let this happen.

"Why am I even here?" I asked myself. "Why did I even come to this place with these people? Why was I fighting this monster? Why was I about to die, why was I even alive?"

The damage done to me must have been far worse than I thought. With these questions in mind I felt my consciousness fading as I struggled to answer them.

"So I'm about to die..." I continued thinking weakly. "I'm going to let Karin die... and then Blaine and Alyssa. I'm going to let all of them die along with me."

My eyes began to flutter again, the room started to slowly spin around me.

"I'm going to die here.. my friends are going to die here. They are going to die because... because..."

"Because if you die, there will be no one to protect them." A calm voice said.

The words circled around in my head. Without me, lives will be lost? I couldn't recall ever having "saved" anyone before. What had I been doing since I gained these powers? Memories began to flash before me, I trained in sword play for as long as I could remember... what was the point of it all? I opened an eye... I opened one eye just the slightest bit as I laid on the ground. I opened it and saw just a small glimmer of something in front of me. I really couldn't see what it was, but I did not have to. I knew what I had dropped and forgotten about. It was my family sword.

"You live so that others may not die." The ominous voice continued on through my thoughts. "You are a gift to those who cannot help themselves. I have made you into a hero that prevents death."

I felt a tear roll down my face. My eyes were closed again but felt like I had never been less blind.

"I do not want to die." I said to it. "I want to live, I want to protect."

Somehow, I felt as I could see it smile. It seemed so familiar to me but I could not quite tell who it was.

"Then go," It replied. "Stand up and fight, and do not forget why you are alive."

Suddenly something hit me. Something crashed into me like a massive wave of water. But, it did not crush me, it didn't force me, it merely rushed along me gently and carried me along its current. I opened my eyes as the sensation died to find myself standing, sword in hand.

Why was I here? I looked around in a stupor, it seemed almost as if time had stopped. I turned my gaze to focus on Karin. She was down on one knee, looking straight forward with her teeth clenched tightly. Shifting my eyes over toward the Ruby Dragon, I examined it in mid lunge... a sight that would astonish many people I was sure. After only a brief moment I turned to look back at Karin. She had her eyes turned away from our foe, and she was hardly bracing herself for the attack.

"Why am I fighting?" I asked aloud to myself. I looked around, and saw the man who ruined my life. My mind was shocked, every single bit of energy in my body tensed and focused on him.

"That is why I am here." I told myself. "To kill that man, to get revenge."

"Mathias, do not forget why you are here." The voice repeated in my mind.

"I see him now," I told it. "I'm here to kill him."

"No," It said. "You're purpose is never to kill, you were not given your powers to kill."

Suddenly I recognized the voice. It was the Angel, the one from the shrine I found refuge in when I first began my journey. It was the spirit of the Hero from the Past, the one whom I inherited these powers and abilities from. I looked back to Karin, realizing she was gritting her teeth in fear. She was not bracing herself because she knew the next blow would end her life.
 

Kalm

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This is a backstory that I wrote long before I wrote any of the other material you're going to see on this thread. It's obviously full of flaws, but I've never bothered to mess with it since it's nothing more than a piece of side material. Not everything in this post is relevant to this section of the story I plan to present in this thread, but enough is to be worthwhile. If nothing else, I hope it peaks your intrest, enjoy.

Oh, and suggestions and the sort are welcome for this too, I just wanted to make sure everyone knows it is very old material.


125 years ago there lived a man in the small and secluded town of Anuro named Masamune. He was well known as an excellent blacksmith and swordfighter, and praised by his community, his skills as a warrior defended his home very well against monsters. And the wonderful weapons he made defended villages in other lands as well. Then, one day, he let loose an unspeakable horror across the world.
After finding a completely new and mysterious alloy, he worked feverishly for months, shunning his friends and family. With his new metal he forged four swords: Fenrir, Noem, Masamune, and Maelstrom. It is said that he forged the weapons for a group of bandits who were paying him a great deal of money, but on the day of transaction he was betrayed and killed. These four swords were so incredibly powerful, someone who wielded one or more could easily rule the world, and that is exactly what happened. Masamune died at the age of 40, buried with the sword he named after himself, which had been cursed when he died. The Maelstrom had never even been seen, because it went missing on the same day.
However, the other two, Fenrir and Noem, emerged in the hands of evil. Two of four leaders in an army of thieves wielded the legendary weapons now, and they wrought havoc on the world. Traveling from town to town, taking whatever they pleased and destroying whatever they wanted, they threw the world into a Dark Age for another 20 years, and no one attempted to stand against them but one man.
He was only seen by the world for one day, he came down from the sky like an angel and destroyed the entire army single-handedly. His name was Mathias, covered in white armor, with large angelic wings and wielding the long lost Maelstrom. He vanquished the army in that one day, and the four evil rulers and the two other legendary weapons were lost into the void. Then, at the end of that day, he vanished, never to be seen again.
The name Mathias was praised and honored and a great shrine was built in his name. The Dark Age had finally ended, towns were rebuilt and so were lives. A pleasant sense of peace blanketed the land for another century, but it all ended very abruptly when the Black Dragon appeared in the town of Foner, and a new Dark Age was just beginning.

For over 100 years the world rested in peace, and during that time it prospered and developed. The villages eventually evolved into cities and formed governments. The largest city, Foner, founded the 4 year "World's Strongest Warrior" tournament for the purpose of encouraging people to become strong enough to defend their homes against monsters. Things became very stable and organized, and monsters and other dangers were easily subdued. But even with all these efforts, nothing could really prepare for the next great threat.
On one foggy evening, about 7 months before the next World Tournament, a massive Black Dragon appeared from seemingly out of nowhere and began rampaging through the city of Foner. The 3-Time World Champion, known as Rave, lived in Foner and periodically defended it from dragons, and he and a band of soldiers fought back. In only a few hours over a third of the city was destroyed, countless lives were lost, and Rave was injured so badly he was bedridden for two weeks, while nearly all of his allies had been lost, along with countless other lives. The Black Dragon left with barely a scratch.
As if this weren't bad enough, there was another threat as well.
Random massacres had just began occurring in other different cities. However, although all the victims died of sword wound, no bloodshed was ever found. In fact, the victims themselves seemed to have had their blood drained from their body. This and sittings of a mysterious in the cities lead to rumors of a vampire being the culprit. The news of the Vampire and the Black Dragon spread like wildfire and filled people with panic.
The world was once again covered in fear, darkness, and chaos; prepared to enter a new Dark Age. The Vampire struck again and every member of an aristocratic family from Montegale, the richest family in the world in fact, was found dead from the familiar bloodless wounds except for one member, who was missing and assumed dead as well, never to be seen again. The Black Dragon attacked again as well, except this time it completely demolished the entire town of Anuro, killed all of it's residents, and destroyed the small army that had been formed against it. There was no stopping this horror, and it seemed as if the world was doomed for sure.
 

Kalm

Smash Journeyman
Joined
May 5, 2008
Messages
496
Location
Enterprise, Alabama
NNID
Unibias
3DS FC
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Well its been a good few days now and still no readers. I'd like not to rush into posting more material yet, so instead have some artwork in the meanwhile.

It's all just a bunch of sketches, but some people seem to like it.





 

Mewter

Smash Master
Joined
Apr 22, 2008
Messages
3,609
heh, pretty cool.

Better than my SSBM story:)

...

and the artwork is cool. It is Not just ''Some Sketches, but people seem to like it'' it is''A picture of a character in the story'' Sounds more confident.

I myself have my own characters and stuff that I write about...
but if I were to post them they might be plagiarized.
That's why I don't do it.

oh, and three words:
they're not human
Arfe you sure that black dragon wasn't one of my characters? :)

I might post one somewhere...

Keep up the writing...

and in ,my opinioin, the NAME of the story is kind of boring. Try to show that the story is good, and it helps to attract readers.

That's all
 

Kalm

Smash Journeyman
Joined
May 5, 2008
Messages
496
Location
Enterprise, Alabama
NNID
Unibias
3DS FC
1650-2449-3447
Thanks for the compliment.

I post this freely because I've already copyrighted a large amount of my material. Nobody can do anything more than cheaply imitate my character designs without getting sued. Though I say that in the first post, I forgot to put it in every update, so I'm going to edit and do so now.

And yes, I know the drawings are good, I just don't want to sound cocky cuz I know they can be so much better. I have a lot more that are around the quality of the two I've posted, I'm just not going to show it all at once.

I don't understand what you mean by they're not human. And of course the black dragon appears very generic at first, because I'm sure a lot of people have a black dragon in their whatever. I promise the dragon itself has a lot of personailty and story behind it to make it unique though. It's one of those situations that is more than meets the eye.

As for the name, yes it sucks, I know this. No matter how hard I try I simply cannot think of a name that suites it though, I'm still working on it every day.
 

Mewter

Smash Master
Joined
Apr 22, 2008
Messages
3,609
Thanks for the compliment.

I post this freely because I've already copyrighted a large amount of my material. Nobody can do anything more than cheaply imitate my character designs without getting sued. Though I say that in the first post, I forgot to put it in every update, so I'm going to edit and do so now.

And yes, I know the drawings are good, I just don't want to sound cocky cuz I know they can be so much better. I have a lot more that are around the quality of the two I've posted, I'm just not going to show it all at once.

I don't understand what you mean by they're not human. And of course the black dragon appears very generic at first, because I'm sure a lot of people have a black dragon in their whatever. I promise the dragon itself has a lot of personailty and story behind it to make it unique though. It's one of those situations that is more than meets the eye.

As for the name, yes it sucks, I know this. No matter how hard I try I simply cannot think of a name that suites it though, I'm still working on it every day.
:laugh:
What I mean by they are not human is....

They are all dinosaur\Dragon Monster things

.....

What I do for names....

Is find a random word that has a meaning that suits my characters.

Or find a random word and mix it up to make it sound good.

For example:

Snat- Ants

Enigma

Stuff like that.(Please don't use these names)

I look forward to what is not a sketch!(Even though the sketches are good) And the story too.
 

Kalm

Smash Journeyman
Joined
May 5, 2008
Messages
496
Location
Enterprise, Alabama
NNID
Unibias
3DS FC
1650-2449-3447
I Think I've let this go long enough without an update. Lets bump this to the top of the thread and look for more readers.


ALL character designs are copyrighted.


Chapter 4: One Problem After Another

I felt so confused, standing in the frozen scene of this calamity. I was having a hard time focusing on my surroundings, and I only just now realized that despite my gaining a second chance to live, Karin was still on the verge of death.

"You have gained more of my power by becoming more in sync with me," the Angel said, "do you think it's more important for that sacred power to end lives or to save them?"

"In sync?" I pondered, "I am my own person. I cannot become someone just because I have their abilities." I stood confused. "I make my own descisions do I not? I knew what was most important to me. But still..."

I raised my head and broke my thoughts to examine Karin once more. It seemed I just didn't know what was important in life. I suppose I just didn't know what life was anyways.

"Either way," the Angel continued, "you can't expect the world to wait on you like it is right now. You have had plenty of time to contemplate your existence, now isn't the time to stand around thinking."

Suddenly the room around me began to move again. There was no time to waste. I knew what I had to do, and I sprinted forward with only one thing in mind. New sensations flowed through me. My body seemed lighter. The movement in the room around me felt slightly slower, and I knew that I had certainly gained some interesting new energies. I intended to use them as I saw fit, I wasn't going to let anyone make my decisions for me. In the time it took for one simple swing of an arm I sprinted across the entire room, covering the last few yards of space with my Light Dash. I accelerated the energy in my body to propel myself forward and cover the short distance instantly, placing myself directly between the Ruby Dragon and Karin.

I knocked Karin's feeble body out of the way and the dragon's claw struck me instead. My shoulder guards and tough skin repelled most of the blow and it threw itself off balance. I lightened my weight and jumped toward the wall near us. I hit the wall with my feet flat against it and sprung myself forward with all my might, leaving a small indention where I lept from. Instantly I shifted my weight again and slammed into the side of the dragon like a boulder, knocking the breath and a little bit of fire out of it as it flew across the room. I hit the ground weightless and watched it roll and tumble to a stop, then frantically fumbled to get back on it's feet. Finally gaining its balance, the dragon immediately launched a fireball at me. Expecting an attack like this, I pushed energy out of my body in all directions and felt it condense and cover every last inch of my skin.

"Light Shield!" I called out as the fire slammed into me, failing to make me so much as flinch as the barrier aborbed all the damage and faded.

The dragon showed no signs of fear. It shook the room with another massive roar and stood ready for attack. It hardly seemed able to move and I knew now was another oppurtune moment to finish it. I lifted my sword and pointed it at the beast, focusing and condensing even more of my abundant energy. I pushed it down my arm and into the blade, filling it with unstable power as it glowed with a brighter and brighter golden light. It was now that I realized how much time I had wasted fighting this foe, it was time for to die. I began moving forward at a steady pace, with my sword trailing at my side. I knew I would have to act fast as the unstable energy in my sword would not last long. The dragon glared fiercely back as its eyes glowed red once more and smoke billowed from its nose. I sped up and then finally lept forward. It opened its mouth and... fire spewed out again! This time however I was ready for it. I hit the ground firmly, as I had not lept forward with very much force. The flames closed in on me, but I jumped backward with ease and completely evaded them, no sword in hand.

The flames died down immediately, revealing the dragon wide eyed in shock with its mouth still open. The handle and crown of my sword protruded from its throat. Its body shook slightly, but it did nothing but stare... there was nothing it could do, and it knew it.

"Soul Breaker!" I yelled with all my might.

The energy released from my blade and created a powerful explosion, flinging flesh and blood all about and completely destroying the neck and head of the dragon. It's still living body stumbled about and flailed violently. This time of course I wasn't forced to endure it's tedious noise and waited silently and patiently as it finally lost the last bit of it's strength and crumbled to the ground in a lifeless heap. The Ruby Dragon was dead.

"It's about **** time!" Karin screamed from behind me. "But how about not cutting it so close next time before you decide to make your great comeback, okay!?"
I glance back at her. She was standing now, though still braced against her spear for support. I didn't see the point in responding, so I instead turned and walked to the corpse of our fallen enemy and retrieved my sword from the ground nearby. I looked around the room, and saw nothing. I wasn't surprised by this, but I knew he was there. I could feel him... he was watching me.

"Enough of this Draken!" I called out. "Show yourself!"

Suddenly it felt as if the room grew darker, a cold sensation swept over me. He stepped from seemingly out of nowhere into plain sight near the edge of the room. He was staring into my eyes every single time I looked at him, and he continued to do it now as he formed a nasty scowl.

"I get it now boy." He grunted with a deep raspy voice. "I recognize those powers you use. You're just borrowing them, aren't you?"

My fingers were shaking, and I struggled to maintain my structure as I stared back at him. I couldn't quite understand was was overcoming me. There was something about him that was indescribable. Was it an aura of some sort? He was piercing through my heart, I felt like I was stifling a cough trying to burst from my chest. I needed to focus, whatever he was doing I couldn't let him succeed.

"Do you remember me, Draken?" I stated trying to contain my emotions. "We've met twice already, when you attacked Montegale and when you destroyed Anuro."
His scowl twisted in anger and he spit on the ground.

"Remember you?" He laughed. "I dont give a crap about your sad excuse of an existence. Somehow you've managed to get your hands on some very interesting energy. Big deal, you're still just a stupid kid and you're no more special than the vermin I slaughtered in Montegale to feed my sword. You think you're strong? Think you're special? You're about to find out just how weak and pitiful you are, the worst is here now."
 

Kalm

Smash Journeyman
Joined
May 5, 2008
Messages
496
Location
Enterprise, Alabama
NNID
Unibias
3DS FC
1650-2449-3447
Hmmm, there sure is a lot of nothing going on here. I might actually be bothered if it weren't for the fact that there really isn't a lot going on in this area altogether.

Well, I'll pack a bunch of crap into this update, hopefully that will wrangle some readers.

ALL character designs are copyrighted.



Chapter 5: Introduction to Two Evils


I focused on him to get some kind of reading on his energy properties. Apparently he was doing the same, and we stood silently sizing each other up. I was bothered by what I felt. When I focused on it harder though, I found it difficult to determine anything at all really. It seemed that something was missing, like he simply did not have any elemental or energy based aura about him whatsoever. This isn't something I was generally used to, and this meant he was either blocking my perception in some way or merely had some form of energy I was not aware of. Either way, this was very foreboding, and his intimidating appearance continued to affect me. It was very difficult to maintain my composure at such an enigmatic enemy, especially when he seemed to be aware of many things about me.

"So, you're the Draken we've been looking for huh?" Karin broke the silence with a growling remark. "From all the talk about you and the way people treat you're name, I'm surprised to see you're really just a withered old man."

He didn't blink or change his gaze at the remark. He continued to slowly look me up and down with his nasty scowl stuck on his face. I assumed he intended to ignore her before he finally responded in the most plain way.

"Talk trash as much as you want girl, you're going to die an extremely painful death soon and there's nothing you can say or do about it."

Out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of her, sneering at him and trying to stand tall against her spear. Both of these were obvious signs of trying to hide the fear he embedded into her. Personally, I was comforted to know I wasn't the only one frightened by him. If one of us was to be strong it had to be me, as usual. Still though, I knew I was hiding my fear just like her, and that thought loomed over the brief moment of confidence I had gained. Our new enemy had such an ominous and daunting air about him. I was really struggling not to shake from anxiety. Karin and I both knew that she was too injured to fight right now. It was up to me to stop him.

His eyes widened. "I don't have all day kid. Quit stalling and lets fight, I've got other people to kill after you."

My body moved ever so slightly, an attempt to attack halted by the thought of his knowing my feelings. I did intend to charge forward, but I hesitated. He had gotten to me, his piercing stare, his mysterious energy, everything about him was making me nervous. I felt like I simply could not take the initiative.

Draken grunted at me, making his knowledge of my fear known. His scowl twisted finally into a sick grin as I predicted his thoughts of mental victory. He moved forward, the fight was starting. I stood ready with my sword pointed at him. He was advancing at a decent speed, his left hand stretched forward and his right hand holding his sword in reverse behind his back. I waited to counter his first attack for what seemed like an eternity. Finally he began to close the ground between us. I tensed up, and suddenly he dashed forward in a burst of speed! I stepped forward, wrist bent, and swung with blinding speed from the left, where his guard was weaker. He didn't hasten and didn't react to my movement, but my arm flailed into his hand! He could not have seen an attack that fast! He did not even acknowledge it! Yet I was restrained now and I felt his blade bite into my side just below my ribs. I spun to the right to twist out of his grip, but he spun to his right as well and somehow kept me restrained in an even more awkward position. Before I had a chance to react his sword pierced my back, the sting seared up my spine. I was stunned for a brief moment, then he the twisted the blade inside of me. I spasmed in pain and felt the blood splatter burst forward.

"**** you!" I cried out over his laughter. He had manipulated my movement and I was dealt a grievous wound already. I had to get away from him. "Light Shield!" I called out and forced the energy out of my body in all directions. The shield repelled his grip and his sword and I quickly jumped forward, spinning around midair to face him. He did not pursue me, and was instead examining his sword.

"You're blood is very thick with energy." He said aloud. "I've barely even gotten started and you've already let me charge a lot of power into this blade."

His statement confused me for just a brief moment before I examined my wounds. The one along my side wasn't bad and the shield healed it almost completely. The hole in my back had mostly been sealed, but the wound could reopen if stressed. Those things were expected, what did surprise me was the lack of blood on my body. I looked around and there was none shed anywhere. I breathed deep starring back at the smirking foe, feeling overly fatigued. I understood now the nature of his weapon. All my theories were proving true. The cities where the victims were left as dried corpses, the disturbingly clean bodies, the environment, all of these attacks were definitely made by this man.

"Why the did you attack Montegale you *******!?" I demanded from him, my anger rising again.

His smirk reverted into a scowl again. "Montegale..." He muttered in a spaced out way. "Which town was that again? I don't bother memorizing their names. They're all vermin infested stink holes to me." He snickered at his own remark.

I could feel the anger bursting again, so many emotions torrenting through me and waving back and forth. He was trying my patience. "Many cities where attacked and some have been destroyed." I responded. "One was attacked without the help of Tiamat though, it appeared to have been one person alone who assaulted it, that one was Montegale."

He shifted his weight. "Yeah, I know which one you're talking about. I was passing through, and I needed to feed the Crimson and keep it sharp. Other than that I really didn't need any other reason to entertain myself with the deaths of those feeble people."

"Feed his sword!?" I screamed inside my head. I now knew what this was. That disgusting abomination to the world... the Crimson. A sword you could read about in almost any history book, sitting right in front of me in the hands of an equally disgusting person. I knew the origin
 

Kalm

Smash Journeyman
Joined
May 5, 2008
Messages
496
Location
Enterprise, Alabama
NNID
Unibias
3DS FC
1650-2449-3447
Character descriptions. These give information and insight on 3 of the main antagonists of the fiction. Questions are welcome here.



Name- Rave
Status- Champion
Weapons-
--Grand Star- Handle, 9 inches. Blade, 5 feet long, largest width 6 inches. Weight 36 lbs. A great sword, the blade broadens out as it nears the tip, making the end of it very heavy. This makes the sword very slow to swing but absolutely devasting to get hit by. Rave says that- "If this sword doesn't cut you in half, it will likely break all the bones in your body in one swing." He is extremely deadly after gaining momentum with this blade. He says that this weapon is forged with- "A perfect balance of light, darkness, and everything in between."
--Zankotsu- Handle, 4 feet. Blade, 8 inches, width 1 foot 2 inches. Weight 32 lbs. A great axe, it is very well designed but nothing more. Rave has this simply because he likes to stay fairly well trained in axes, he seldom brings it into real combat.
Description-
--Hair- Black, Medium Length.
--Eyes- Red, Serious.
--Height- 6' 2''
--Weight- 214 lbs.
--Age- 35
--Body- Rave has fairly pale skin and a very well toned body with thick arms and muscular arms and legs. He wears a black showl that covers his shoulders and arms, all the way down to his elbows, though he never wears the hood over his head. His shirt is dark gray and he wears a black chestguard over it. He wears a very sturdy belt with the World Champion buckle covering his own insignia, a skull with bat wings.
Story- Rave is likely the most famous person in the world. He lives in the city of Foner with his wife Brooke, and is the 3 time champion of a world fighters tournament held there once ever 4 years. Foner is the largest city on the continent, and remains that way due to Rave spending his time keeping the neighboring dragon tribes at bay. If it werent for retaliation, Tiamat would have likely destroyed the entire country side when it attacked. However, Rave barely escapes the attack with his life, unnerving the entire world as a whole. Seeing that something so powerful could exist creates a call for any and all able warriors to prepare to defend their homes. After his recovery, Rave begins trying to strengthen himself furthur for another attack, as well as the next tournament only a few months away. He encounters many other protaganists and finds the drama in his personal life growing out of control, as he himself keeps many secrets. No one knows his real name or where he is from, he keeps almost everything about himself to himself.
Personal- Rave laughs at jokes, he doesn't make them. He is more or less kind and humble, prepared to defend anyone in danger for any reason, he believes in peace. He can be pompous sometimes on the battlefield, which is understandable considering his lack of competetion. His wife Brooke is a skilled swordfighter, but is also a Haiken (has little or no energy.) She seems to know everything about him, which seems to bother her on a day to day basis. Could Rave have a dark past?
Abilities- Rave doesn't move too fast on his feet. His charging speed is impressive but he isn't terribly agile compared to most other fighters in and near his league. He makes up for this and then some though with his absolutely terrifying power physically and energetically. Once he begins moving his well trained body can keep many swings going in a row, and a hit from his sword is devasting in ways that can be hard to explain. He can take damage almost as well as he dishes it out, with skin so tough that it isn't uncommon to see him take the full force of an attack simply to leave his oponent open for one of his own, likely much stronger. He has many simple and small abilities, among them is in fact the ability to heal, which isn't extremely potent but compliments his utility very well. His greater attacks often involve blue flames, but not much more is known about them. His ultimate attack is called the Grand Cross, where he points his sword at the sky and it explodes into a twenty foot long blade of blue flames. He then swings this sword one time before the energy fades away. It is unimaginable in terms of sheer power, he has never used this because his opponent was strong, only when he wanted to kill them quickly and in one blow.
"I just don't understand why things can't just stay peaceful for a change."



Name- Blaine
Status- Dark Knight
Weapons-
--Ragnarok- Handle, 6.5 inches. Blade, 4 feet, 5 inches, largest width 5 inches. Weight 25 lbs. A hand-and-half sword. Basically a sword that is mostly used in one hand, but can be easily wielded with two hands at any given time. The blade actually broadens in the middle and then narrows to the point, making it oval shaped. It has a beautiful hilt and crown, and the blade has a design of flames that glow red with power. This sword has actually appeared twice before in history in the hands of heros. One slayed a massive demon, the other led an army against in a war against the dragons. The legend says it appears before a chosen person, helping them fulfill their destiny, then passing away as they do. Blaine finds this sword in a field, in the ground, and becomes extremely annoyed. He ignores it and goes along with the idea of- "I pick my swords, they don't pick me." He continues to shun it until he finally wake up in the middle of the night in an inn with it laying on his chest. He's annoyed that he's practically forced to wield it, but never complains about- "The cool flames it makes when I swing it. Woosh. This sword alone makes me cooler than you man."
--Night Shade- Handle, 10 inches. Blade, 5 feet, 3 inches. Width, 3 inches. Weight 19 lbs. A long and and medium width sword. It isn't terribly powerful on it's own, but it does have one unique property that turns Blaines battle style from fierce to ferocious. Though it takes him a long time to figure it out, this sword is actually completely invisible to everyone but it's owner, Him. He wields this on his back with Ragnarok after he finds it, and always, always, always surpises his opponent with it.
Description-
--Hair- Red with black tips, medium short in length.
--Eyes- Red, Excited.
--Height- 5' 10"
--Weight- 191 lbs.
--Age- 20
--Body- He manages to never shave often enough to avoid having a rough looking face. His skin is actually a really nice complexion. He wears the Insantity Armor, the shoulders being mostly spikes and the chest having a demonic smile designed on it. He travels with a black robe on and usually keeps his hood over his head too, often only taking it off for the most serious of fights. He wears layered pants with flame designs on it, and all of his clothes are black and shades of dark gray. Upon taking his robe off, its easy to see many brutal looking scars all up and down his arms and even on his neck, he doesn't like to talk about him.
Story- Blaine actually has borrowed powers. He has a decent amount of signature abilites, but all of his dark energy is embedded in him by a mysterious Shaman to save his life. He leaves his town in search of something to do in life, and quickly joins a small army made to defend the town of Anuro as he spends his time there. He only enlisted to make some money, but his luck presents him with an attack from the feared dark dragon Tiamat, infamous for attacking many cities already. True to his promises he puts his life on the line to save the people of the city, and in a direct confrontation with Tiamat itself his body is torn to shreds. The one young girl he was able to save, and the only known survior of the attack manages to carry him to the nearest town. It is there he is told that it is impossible for him to live much longer, the dark energy from the dragons claws was destroying his body quickly. It is there the hooded man makes his appearance and explains that Blaine can survive by embracing the darkness along with a certain "energy" that the man had to offer. The thought of the innocent people he saw slaughtered by Tiamat was all the motivation he wanted to live, he accepted vowing to avenge the people he failed to defend. Upon leaving the young girl Annha at the Chirch of Nalm he meets and eventually travels with the priest Alyssa. The make an odd combo of light and darkness as the search the lands for clues of where Tiamat can be found and destroyed, and Blaine eventually discovers and is forced to confront the drawbacks of embracing darkness.
Personal- Blaine is comedic in many ways. His sarcasm and constant grinning keeps many friends in better spirits than they would be in without him around. He really has a very caring heart and tries to use his destructive powers as moralistically as possible. He's very confident and often blindy so in his actions, but never seems to be bothered by whatever mistake he makes. He has good reason to, because he seems to never make mistakes in the first place no matter how thoughtless his actions seem.
Abilites- Blaine is all about destruction. He has great physical strength, but itsn't so heavy on it that he isn't light on his feet at the same time. He mainly specializes in using combos between his sword and his own dark energy, which is very potent. He can fire a powerful Shadow Blast from both hands, he can teleport to any visiable area within a 100 yrd radius (a 1 sec lag in time for every 20 yards). He can surround his blade his shadows for extra power and even to weaken his opponent with a strike. His own energy allows him to create flames and move the earth around him, even so much so he can create a massive wall of dirt in front of him. He also has a fairly impressive ability to heal wounds, though it was made more difficult to use after he gained his dark abilites. His ultimate attack is the Shadow Destroyer, an attack that he cannot use without completely draining all of his remaining energy. At it's maximum strength, he creates a huge black orb over his head that begins to pull everything around him into it. After a few second of this he begins to fire Shadow Blasts all around him in a 360 radius, these two properties make it devasting for fighting many weak foes at once. Finally, after the Shadow Blast rain ends, he throws the orb at any opponent thats left or absorbs it to gain a little bit more energy to conserve for another attack.
"Look at all these people staring at me, they obviously all have awesome dark power envy. Heh, poor guys."



Name- Mathias
Status- Reincarnated Hero
Weapons-
--Crysalis- Handle, 4 inches. Blade, 3 feet, 7 inches, width 1.5 inches. Weight 11 lbs. A very well made rapier. It isn't forged of anything more than runes though, and therefore breaks from time to time. Mathias refuses to give it up though and reforges it stronger each and every time. He eventually figures out how to use his own weight shifting ability on this sword, altering its weight from between 6 lbs- 28 lbs.
--Gradius- Handle, 5 inches. Blade, 5 feet 2 inches, width 1.8 inches. Weight 14 lbs. A unique sword that Mathias crafts where a latch allows him to slide the handle freely up and down the blade when he wishes for it to. It is simply a blade with slightly broadened tips to keep the handle from sliding off. He uses it from time to time, sometimes wielding it and the Crysalis in his main hand, and makes an amazing style of swordplay.
--x13- Handle, 4.4 inches. Blade, 3 feet, 4 inches, width 1.7 inches. Weight 13 lbs. Another sword Mathias eventually makes using an alloy that has magnetic properties. With extremely reckless experiments that nearly kill him or ****** him he splits the alloy, places a piece of it next to his brain, and another piece in the sword. Finally using his weight shifting abilites along with the magnetic alloys linking to each other, he create what is called the Psychic Sword. The odd name is simply the name of the experiment number. He uses this blade to fly through the air and slice at his opponent while he attacks as well. He can't afford to focus too much energy or mental power on the blade at one time without hurting himself though, so it's often plays more a distraction than a threat on its own.
Description-
--Hair- White, short.
--Eyes- Dark Blue, Gloomy.
--Height- 6' 0''
--Weight- 8-164-780 lbs.
--Age- Presumed 20.
--Body- Pale skin and a lean body. He has robust and mostly black shoulder guards. He wears an ornamented white, sliver, and gold breastplate. He wears a short white cape with a lightly grayer inner lining. He has white sleeves almost to his elbows and wears bracers just over his elbows and near his wrists. He wears bronze colored gauntles.
Story- Back a hundred or so years ago there were the Dark Ages. A group of bandits lead by four powerful people owned the world for a long time until a man appeared name Mathias (math-eye-us). He was wielding a sword identified as the lost Maelstrom and had armor that gave him angelic wings. He was the one man who saved the world during those times, and his name is held with great honor all across the world. This man shows up from out of nowhere claiming to be the reincarnation of the great Lord Mathias. His name his pronounced differently though (math-ie-us). He doesn't appear to be a big angel, but he does wear white armor and has white hair. The people don't generally trust him, and he responds by generally shunning people anyways, and often acting selfish and uncaring when people are in need. He doesn't tell anyone about himself, he simply says he's going to save the world because he's a reincarnation and then ignore whoever is talking to him. Anyone who ever did decide to travel with him quickly changed their mind when he refused to do anything for them. Even saving them from any kind of animal or monster. After meeting Rave in the city of Foner, Rave orders a pupil of his name Karin to travel with Mathias. Both of them immediately decide they hate each other, but Karin follows Rave's wishes claiming to owe him a "Life Debt". Mathias threatens to kill her if she follows him out of the city, and Rave says if he ever does, he will kill Mathias. Karin wishes to help the world in it's prediciment as well, and it's beyond her and Mathias why they're being forced to travel together. Mathias decided to "tolerate" her company, but simply put, they often do not work well together.
Personal- Almost no one actually believes Mathias is a reincarnation of the Hero of the Past. So if not, then who is he? Mathias is an extremely annoying person with his actions, being overbearing, looking down on people, and often simply not caring about them in any way. In subtle and slightly less than subtle ways he begins to show parts of his real personalitly, and the more thats seen, the scarier things can get. He always speaks in an extremely formal tone and uses what Blaine calls "Prince Talk", he doesn't even seem to have emotion sometimes. Under all of this though strong appearance though, he has an extremely disturbed mind. He seems to have not grown out of childhood in some way, and many of his thoughts are insane, evil, and suicidal. How exactlly such an unstable person was able to gain such a unique power that mimics the Hero everyone knows of is a mystery to everyone. He seems to have connections with two people. Blaine seems to know more about him than anyone, but refuses to say anything on the matter. Throughout his journey Mathias seeks a man named Draken more than any other foe. He can often act like nothing else in the world matter but finding that man. How did he get his powers? How does Blaine know him, why is he so interested in Draken? Is he really even a good guy anyways?
Abilities- Mathias isn't physically weak, but he certainly doesn't have the great strength of Rave or even Blaine. What he does have however, is extreme skill and speed. He is very agile, very dextrous, and is very deadly with a blade. His most used ability is something never seen before, the ability to change his weight. He can make his body weight very light or insanely heavy in the blink of an eye. Overall he's a foe so unpredictable and fast in battle he can draw his sword and cut and average man into 5 pieces before anyone before they can even move a hand. He has a strategic mind that's as deadly as his sword as well, he feints his attacks and attempts to trick his enemy many many times if they're a real threat to him. He can fire a volley of weak energy from his hand, none of them being very strong but easily enough to cause an enemy to flinch, and open up an attack or an escape. He eventally learns to force his energy to surge through his adrenaline, giving him temporary increased strength and and even more speed, exausting him afterwards. His body heals at a much more rapid rate than most other people, and he can expel his energy all throughout his body to create a Light Shield. This helps absorb and repel attacks as well as heals him to a small extent as well. Another ability is the Lightning Stab, where he creates a small orb of energy that floats near him until he focuses and wishes for it to expel the energy in the form of a bolt. His trademark finishing move is the Soul Breaker, where he focuses so much energy into his blade it becomes very unstable. The energy fades after a dozen or so seconds, but an attack dealt against an opponent during any time it exists will cause the energy to literally explode. This, of course, can badly hurt someone.
"If you continue to waste my time I will have to kill you."
 

Kalm

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That not enough for you? Well here's some sketches of 2 of the bad guys.

Draken and Zinowa.





 

Talazala

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I wish more people would come to the Creative minds board so they could read this!
Sigh. Is there anything we can do to increase the number of people that actually come here?
 

Kalm

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Advertise. Discuss things in the topics here. Making conversations and keeping things bumped and fresh are the best thing to do. People will get intrested.

I think I'm going to go back and delete the last 2 or maybe 3 chapters for now. I think having so much posted already might throw people off. I was getting impatient when I posted them, trying to find readers.
 

infomon

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lol I followed you here from ur sig... I look forward to reading your stories, but just thought I'd drop a note... you say your character designs are copyrighted, but I'm pretty sure copyright law doesn't handle that -- your STORY is under copyright, but character designs can only be... trademarked, and I think that involves registering with the gov't which costs money... but I could be wrong. But copyright is about an actual work, like a particular drawing or written story, not ideas.

... also your drawings are great, I'll read the story in a bit.
 

LordoftheMorning

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Advice - don't edit your novel until it's done. A few novelists and aspiring novelists have been crippled by this fault, myself included, because they want that first chapter flawless. If you notice, Jam, an accurate and excellent editor, did not go too in-depth with the story, and stayed on a mostly stylistic level. The reason is, he does not know the story's full purpose.

It is highly possible, and even likely, that by the end of the novel, you'll go back and rewrite chapter one. Just finish it and you'll be that much happier.
Hmm this is advice I've never heard before... Jam/Crimson, would you recommend I do the same with my own story? Jam read the first chapters and I feel somewhat disheartened by what was said. Perhaps I ought to wait to edit the first chapters and just move on? I have found that if I leave a piece I wrote alone for some time, it becomes less fresh in my mind and mistakes and weak-points seem more apparent, because I don't remember exactly what it was that was in my mind when I first wrote.
 

Eor

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Hmm this is advice I've never heard before... Jam/Crimson, would you recommend I do the same with my own story? Jam read the first chapters and I feel somewhat disheartened by what was said. Perhaps I ought to wait to edit the first chapters and just move on? I have found that if I leave a piece I wrote alone for some time, it becomes less fresh in my mind and mistakes and weak-points seem more apparent, because I don't remember exactly what it was that was in my mind when I first wrote.
I don't mention this often, but I'm working on a zombie novel (though I have no intention of even attempting to get it published, it's just for fun), and personally I'm barely re-reading what I've written. If I do I'll just spent way too long trying to make it "perfect" and never get past page 10. Only at page 50 right now, and the writing isn't very good, but it works because I've written more then I would have. When I'm finished I'll go back.
 

Jam Stunna

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Eor has the right idea. Whatever the length of the project is, don't start the editing process until it's done. This is especially true for longer pieces, because you'll just fall into an editing rut.

When I read your piece, LordoftheMorning, I was under the impression that you were either, 1) done, or 2) not completing the project. Otherwise I would have refrained from editing it for the very reason that you posted, because it can be discouraging if you're still writing.
 

LordoftheMorning

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Nah I'm in no way done. The first story probably has about 50-100 more pages at least in it, and I have sequels planned out. I'm only on page 62. The chapters you have read were edited by at least three people, though (I edited myself as well.). I did take a break however, and I'm not writing at the speed I was a while back.
 

Kalm

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That's all very fascinating and relevant to the success of my fiction.

.... so, be sure to actually read it, somebody. I'll be happy to post more once someone begins to give a crap.

=D
 

Kalm

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I have, I just haven't posted it here because nobody reads it and comments on it in this forum.

Thanks, by the way. =)
 

Kalm

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Why the hell not.
Here you go deadthread, eat up. =)



Chapter 6: The Origin of the Sword



Up until the appearance of Tiamat, the world had enjoyed a very long period of peace and prosperity. It was over one hundred years ago when the Dark Age came to an end. Even before the death of Masamune, considered to be the beginning of the Dark Age, the world was in turmoil. This was when vampires still roamed the land and remained a parasite over most of the world. For so many centuries they remained in a secluded city, and preyed upon other beings of the land, especially humans. However, throughout the many years the humans grew both in number and in hatred for the vampire race. So, around 30 years before the Dark Age, the humans declared war. This war didn’t last long before the vampires found themselves overwhelmed and the entire race withdrew to their capital city, Amina, for safety. The vampires were ill prepared for what they never expected to come to pass, and their defenses at Anima were pitiful. Despite each vampire containing considerably more energy and power than the average human, they were still outnumbered almost ten to one.

The battle of Amina marked the end of the war, that day the entire vampire race was wiped out. Every corpse was accounted for, including the Vampire King, Marcus. He was found dead still sitting on his throne at the center of the Amina Castle. A sword penetrated his heart and bound him to his throne. The sword’s origin was unknown, but it was was assumed due to the vampire blood that covered it that a war hero must have been its owner. The man who ended the Vampire King’s seemingly immortal life was never seen nor heard from. In fact, his place in history is very small compared to the legacy his sword would create. That legacy began the moment a general of the Human army received the honor of removing the sword from King Marcus’ heart. It would be the last honor of his life, for only moments after grasping the sword’s handle did the Vampire crumble to dust, and the would-be wielder crumple to the ground in a withered lump.

Something dark and sinister had obviously been put to work between the ruined sword and the King of the Vampires. The now unstable blade drained every last ounce of blood from the man through it’s handle and fell upon the ground energized with a dark red glow. The sword, now donned with the permanent name Crimson, was quickly moved out of the area to be studied. The High Priests of the Grand Chapel of Nalm each took turn in trying to decipher and dispel the evil imbued in the weapon. Master blacksmiths from around the world, including the revered Masamune, traveled to Nalm in order to examine the sword as well. It was discovered that a form of energy was embedded into the blade of the weapon that locked in a vampiric essence. Masamune himself found the sword was originally a masterpiece of his design, one of which went to market for high bidders Now, the sword was fully corrupted and could not be changed or reverted, and it’s vampiric nature was causing it to rust without blood to power it. With seemingly no other alternative, it was decided that the sword would be locked and sealed away in a chest, and thrown into the ocean. A weapon like that simply had no purpose but for destruction and death and needed to be removed from the world. A fishing barge parted from Indigo Castle later that year carrying the completely sealed sword. Soldiers on board were given the order to anchor the chest and throw it into the ocean when no land could be seen in any direction. The barge never returned.

The world saw peace for only a few short years before Masamune was murdered in Anuro and the Dark Age began. Amongst the turmoil and shear carnage it was never fully determined if the Crimson was used by the army of pillagers or their four leaders. Many towns and cities attacked were burned away, leaving many victims burned after death. The blade was also dwarfed in comparison to the two ultimate swords wielded by two of the leaders. One sword seemed five times the size of the wielder, and the other with dark powers that appeared to have infinite energy and endless capabilities. Even so the four men and their small army were eventually defeated, and it was widely believed all their weapons were destroyed along with them. Throughout the last 100 years though, there have have been rare cases of blood drained murder victims across the world. Nobody new if it was if it was the Crimson behind the deaths, or if a Vampire still stalked the land. Now here recently near the appearance of Tiamat, the bloodless murders have increased, and it’s obvious whoever was behind them was less concerned with subtlety. The Crimson had been kept alive throughout the century, and its wielder finally showed himself in Montegale, moving into a killing spree that continued until over fifty people were murdered.

How had this man gained possession of the Crimson? Who had wielded it during all this time before him? It didn’t matter much really, the most vile weapon known to man was wielded by the most evil man alive. The man that I needed to kill stood in front of me. The sword and that man were ruining lives all across the world. Draken, a man with no history, no past, no anything.

"That sword will never steal a life again." I growled, my anger obvious as I narrowed my eyes. "I will destroy both you and that vile thing here and now."

My words did not seem to phase him, a sick smile twisted across one half of his face and he snickered. "Talk will not save you, you can’t win. I’m going to kill you, then I’m going to drain your blood, and then I’m going to use the strength it gives me to kill everyone you know."

He finally started toward me, but this time I was far too furious to let him intimidate me. I darted forward in a full sprint, my sword trailing beside me. He didn’t change his slow pace and I launched myself into him with a huge burst of speed and weight. He casually moved his sword into the way of mine, but my incredible inertia was too much, and I slammed into him, sending him sliding back. I lunged to swing, but he quickly stepped to the side. He didn’t have a chance to attack, so I swung again from the right, and again he moved easily out of the way. My left foot stepped forward and I thrust my sword heavily into the center the center of his body and... he parried it! My blade skid across the edge of his and angled up, missing him completely. He then spun around and slammed his elbow into my back, where my armor was exposed. I stumbled forward and swung instantly behind me, finding nothing but air. He had already backed away. frustrated, I jumped forward again, this time swinging down while still airborne. He swung his sword into mine, and I was currently very light, so he threw me back. I gracefully landed a few feet away, and he immediately charged into me. I stood ready to parry his blow, but instead he slammed his body into mine. I stumbled back and quickly thrusted my sword forward to avoid a following attack, which he again dodged. My thrust continued with another swipe and it slid across his blade yet again. I had thrown myself off balance now and he took advantage of it, kicking my right foot out from under me.

I hit the ground and narrowly blocked a downward swing, then he continued on to push his sword heavily against mine. He was showing superior strength and slowly forcing me to recede. We stared into each others eyes during the struggle. I was straining as he continued to advance, closing in on my neck. His eyes were wide with with glee, and he leaned forward with a his sinister grin.

"You’re so weak." he whispered.
 
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