Zook
Perpetual Lazy Bum
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My brother is not who he used to be.
I'm not surprised that he's undergone some personality change lately; this is his first year in high school, has his first girlfriend (to my knowledge, anyways), and all that other wonderful **** that comes along with becoming a teenager. But it just seems to me that he's changed so much. It's startling.
Startling because he's become, quite frankly, and *******. He has no respect for our parents, he's obnoxious, rude, extremely oversensitive, quick to go into a pissy mood, arrogant, and I dunno, I just feel like I've failed him. As a brother. I've started working night shift since August 15th, right before he started high school, and I wish I hadn't now because I feel like I've failed him. We were best friends before that.
Best friends. My throat goes dry and tear ducts swell up just thinking that.
Now I only see him on weekends, and even then, not much. I spend a lot of time with my girlfriend when I can (which is only during weekends), and I visit my friends often. Looking back, he was always bummed after I told him I was going to hang with the girlfriend today or sorry, can't do that tomorrow, I'm going over the Tuttle's place or whatever.
Maybe he just wanted to talk to his big brother. Have a day with his best friend. Go down to Concord and have some McDonalds and crack Republican jokes and just generally **** around and have a good time and everything is just fine and dandy.
He is constantly pissed off at Mom because he just doesn't understand the concept of respect, and I can't explain it to him because by the time I have the chance he's permanently moved in with Dad. He thinks it's acceptable to crack penis jokes to Mom, and doesn't understand why she gets offended by them directed towards her. Doesn't get why he should do **** just because she says it. It's deserved respect.
Dad doesn't expect respect. He just wants us to like him more than my mom. Wants us to choose a side. Bribes us by making our beds and cleaning up after us and generally treating us like children. He's a great man and I love him, but he needs to stop trying to get us to choose sides.
I wish I could teach him this.
I wish I wasn't me. If I had one wish, it would be to become a different person. I hate to admit it, but really, it is. I hate me. I'm lame. I'm too shy, too quiet, too passive, too carefree, too lazy. Too self absorbed. I wish I was better.
My brother is better. Better looking, more outgoing, smarter, going to end up taller, more assertive. What do I have on him anymore? Self control. Artistic talent.
But I don't care about that anymore. **** art. I see so many people who are so much more talented than myself, I've just about given up.
I feel like a Pokemon with 0 IVs in everything, surrounded by hacked Pokemon.
I feel like I compare myself to others too much. Sure, I'm not the smartest person in the world, nor the most talented, but that doesn't mean I'm worthless. Plenty of people like me.
Everyone likes me. Not everyone likes Zook, but me... Everyone likes me. I'm not sure why. I ask people why, and they say I'm just a really nice person.
I'm just a passive introvert who's terrified of conflict.
I feel like Zook is dead. Not even sure why I come here anymore. Probably because I miss people, and I'm sad that I never tried harder to forge a better relationship with some of you people. I see you now, and it looks like you've become pretty good friends. Me, I never got out of the acquaintance stage. My own fault, really. You tried to talk to me, but I pretended that I wasn't there and now you probably don't care anymore.
I love him so much, and he'll never know just how much. We're like the same person almost. I feel like we're almost like different halves of the same person. Yin and yang. I finally became friends on FB with my brother, and I'm surprised to see how much I've shaped who this person is. The music he likes, the jokes he cracks, the status updates he posts... So many of them stem from me.
He said he ****ing hated my Indie Rock, and now, he's always posting **** about Neutral Milk Hotel and Nana Grizol and They Might Be Giants and Bob Dylan and The Decemberists all those other bands I showed him in my car and he rolled his eyes at.
I'm trying to get myself to write this next sentence without crying, but it's the single greatest, most beautiful thing that has ever occured to me in my life and god damn it, tears are rolling down my cheeks.
He wants to be just like me.
Me. He wants to be just like me, his nerdy, shy, prudish, anxiety disordered brother. His big brother. I was his ****ing hero growing up and I haven't realized it until just this moment. I started his love for D&D, NMH, hating on Reagan and Glenn Beck and SCRUBS and everything. He loves me.
I love him, too.
Maybe I'm just too defensive of him. I don't want him to grow up. Maybe the reason my stomach lurches when he swears or kisses his girlfriend or yells at Mom is because I don't want him to grow up. I want him to stay my little brother forever.
But, I mean, he always will be, right? He's not changing, just... growing up.
I think it's time for me to do the same.
Later, SWF.
My brother is not who he used to be.
I'm not surprised that he's undergone some personality change lately; this is his first year in high school, has his first girlfriend (to my knowledge, anyways), and all that other wonderful **** that comes along with becoming a teenager. But it just seems to me that he's changed so much. It's startling.
Startling because he's become, quite frankly, and *******. He has no respect for our parents, he's obnoxious, rude, extremely oversensitive, quick to go into a pissy mood, arrogant, and I dunno, I just feel like I've failed him. As a brother. I've started working night shift since August 15th, right before he started high school, and I wish I hadn't now because I feel like I've failed him. We were best friends before that.
Best friends. My throat goes dry and tear ducts swell up just thinking that.
Now I only see him on weekends, and even then, not much. I spend a lot of time with my girlfriend when I can (which is only during weekends), and I visit my friends often. Looking back, he was always bummed after I told him I was going to hang with the girlfriend today or sorry, can't do that tomorrow, I'm going over the Tuttle's place or whatever.
Maybe he just wanted to talk to his big brother. Have a day with his best friend. Go down to Concord and have some McDonalds and crack Republican jokes and just generally **** around and have a good time and everything is just fine and dandy.
He is constantly pissed off at Mom because he just doesn't understand the concept of respect, and I can't explain it to him because by the time I have the chance he's permanently moved in with Dad. He thinks it's acceptable to crack penis jokes to Mom, and doesn't understand why she gets offended by them directed towards her. Doesn't get why he should do **** just because she says it. It's deserved respect.
Dad doesn't expect respect. He just wants us to like him more than my mom. Wants us to choose a side. Bribes us by making our beds and cleaning up after us and generally treating us like children. He's a great man and I love him, but he needs to stop trying to get us to choose sides.
I wish I could teach him this.
I wish I wasn't me. If I had one wish, it would be to become a different person. I hate to admit it, but really, it is. I hate me. I'm lame. I'm too shy, too quiet, too passive, too carefree, too lazy. Too self absorbed. I wish I was better.
My brother is better. Better looking, more outgoing, smarter, going to end up taller, more assertive. What do I have on him anymore? Self control. Artistic talent.
But I don't care about that anymore. **** art. I see so many people who are so much more talented than myself, I've just about given up.
I feel like a Pokemon with 0 IVs in everything, surrounded by hacked Pokemon.
I feel like I compare myself to others too much. Sure, I'm not the smartest person in the world, nor the most talented, but that doesn't mean I'm worthless. Plenty of people like me.
Everyone likes me. Not everyone likes Zook, but me... Everyone likes me. I'm not sure why. I ask people why, and they say I'm just a really nice person.
I'm just a passive introvert who's terrified of conflict.
I feel like Zook is dead. Not even sure why I come here anymore. Probably because I miss people, and I'm sad that I never tried harder to forge a better relationship with some of you people. I see you now, and it looks like you've become pretty good friends. Me, I never got out of the acquaintance stage. My own fault, really. You tried to talk to me, but I pretended that I wasn't there and now you probably don't care anymore.
I love him so much, and he'll never know just how much. We're like the same person almost. I feel like we're almost like different halves of the same person. Yin and yang. I finally became friends on FB with my brother, and I'm surprised to see how much I've shaped who this person is. The music he likes, the jokes he cracks, the status updates he posts... So many of them stem from me.
He said he ****ing hated my Indie Rock, and now, he's always posting **** about Neutral Milk Hotel and Nana Grizol and They Might Be Giants and Bob Dylan and The Decemberists all those other bands I showed him in my car and he rolled his eyes at.
I'm trying to get myself to write this next sentence without crying, but it's the single greatest, most beautiful thing that has ever occured to me in my life and god damn it, tears are rolling down my cheeks.
He wants to be just like me.
Me. He wants to be just like me, his nerdy, shy, prudish, anxiety disordered brother. His big brother. I was his ****ing hero growing up and I haven't realized it until just this moment. I started his love for D&D, NMH, hating on Reagan and Glenn Beck and SCRUBS and everything. He loves me.
I love him, too.
Maybe I'm just too defensive of him. I don't want him to grow up. Maybe the reason my stomach lurches when he swears or kisses his girlfriend or yells at Mom is because I don't want him to grow up. I want him to stay my little brother forever.
But, I mean, he always will be, right? He's not changing, just... growing up.
I think it's time for me to do the same.
Later, SWF.
