• Welcome to Smashboards, the world's largest Super Smash Brothers community! Over 250,000 Smash Bros. fans from around the world have come to discuss these great games in over 19 million posts!

    You are currently viewing our boards as a visitor. Click here to sign up right now and start on your path in the Smash community!

Blood of the Moon

bossyjellyfish

Foxes Mate for Life
Joined
Sep 29, 2007
Messages
247
Location
MA
Well, this is my story, I'll post about 2-3 now, enjoy.



A young man, the age of 17, walked through a dusty, old village.
The boy was wearing a black, tattered sweatshirt with baggy blue jeans.
He had bushy, messy, black hair, his bangs just about covering his eyes.
His hands were in his pockets, and made contact with no one.
He wasn't a local, just passing through.
The day was cloudy, the usual weather in this region.
The clouds were looming in the sky, but it wouldn't rain.
The boy's skin was pale, with many cuts on his face.
The villagers knew to stay away.

He stepped into an old tavern, with only two other residents inside.
He quietly made his way to the bartender.
"Sir, I'd like to know if you have seen any other other visitors passing through this village." the boy asked.
"Heh, as a matter o' fact, I have. Maybe for some money my mouth might slip." said the bartender.
"I don't think you understand." said the boy.
In a blur he was behind the bartender, with a small dagger against the man's neck.
"Ok, ok! I'll tell! There were a few shady figures passing through last night!" confessed the man.
"Thank you." replied the boy, and with one quick twist, he broke the man's neck.
The bartender fell quick, and lay still.
The boy walked out of the tavern, and made his way out of the village, as if he hadn't just killed a man.

~~

The boy walked through the gate and out of the village.
He looked back and saw a sign that said "Borvak", the name of the village.
The sign was hard to read, due to years of dirt and bad weather, but because of the boy's sharpness of vision, it was clear to him.
He continued onward, and came to a forest.
He continued to follow the dirt path and into the forest.
It was hard to call it a forest, considering that most of the trees were leafless and dead.
The sun was beginning to set, and dusk was near.

The boy stopped. He sniffed the air. He looked over his shoulders, and continued on.
He exhaled, and saw his breath.
When night came, so did the cold.
Suddenly, there was a whistling sound in the air.
It wasn't the wind.
A crossbow bolt had made it's mark in a tree next to the boy.
When it made contact, splinters and bark from the tree flew everywhere.
the boy had dived forward, and executed a roll. He turned around, crouching and looked at his attacker.
His eyes narrowed.
"I've got you Anima." said the attacker.
 

Vicious Delicious

tetigit destruens
Joined
Feb 3, 2006
Messages
1,874
Location
Orlando, FL
Switch FC
SW 0141 8170 9257
I wouldn't say 'its ghey', but there are a few problems.

First of all, is this a poem, a story, a song? The format is a bit confusing.

Secondly, you need to work a bit on the detail of your sentances, or at least use stronger words when they can apply rather then the simplest ones that put the minimum of the idea out. EX (in the simplest): Ran/Dashed, Fell/Descended

Back to sentences, combining them where necessary would be nice...

He continued onward, and came to a forest.
He continued to follow the dirt path and into the forest.

^^ That caught me in particular. Why not, "Continuing to follow the dirt path, he came across a forest, to which he soon entered." Maybe that wasn't the best example, but you see what I'm getting at, right?

Finally, what event is connecting stanzas 3-4? It seems a little empty there :ohwell:
I look forward to see your writing some more. At least try to use my suggestions...
 

bossyjellyfish

Foxes Mate for Life
Joined
Sep 29, 2007
Messages
247
Location
MA
Hm, ok. I've gotten that before. thanks though! It is a sotry, and thy are chapters, they are more parts. The
"~~" ends a part. I've already written it, so it does improve over time. I hope.

Two more parts.

Anima studied the attacker. He wore a large, dark brown coat.
It covered his torso and his legs. He wore a tan cowboy hat, that had a white feather in it.
The hair that was visible was brown and curly in the back.
He had a five o' clock shadow and a grin on his face.
"It's been a while since I've caught up to you. Chasing around and killing your kind is hard work."
"Be quiet, Carosso." muttered Anima.
"Hm, I'll just have to kill you then." Carosso said, and lined up his crossbow with Anima. And fired.
The bow made a twang sound, and a bolt was heading right towards Anima's head.
With his quick reflexes, Anima leaped to the left, attempting to dodge the bolt.
It missed his head but made a deep gash in his right shoulder.
Anima winced in pain. Blood was gushing form the wound.
"****, I missed!" yelled Corosso.

Anima was bending over in pain.
"Your finished now!" said Corosso.
This time he wouldn't miss.
He shot two bolts to finish Anima.
In a blur Anima was in in the woods running from his enemy.
"You faker!" shouted Corosso, following Anima, but he knew h would never match his speed.
Anima was grinning. He loved outsmarting the vampire hunters.

~~

My name is Anima Lunaire. I am a vampire.
Ever since I was blooded at the age of 12 I have had to live in hiding, in fear of the hunters.
In the past 5 years I have spent my time either running from the vampire hunters, or learning about my powers and how to use them.
Vampire hunters are humans who have learned of our existence and use weapons to kill us.
Right now, vampires are on the near of extinction. Hunters have been killing us by the day.
So we must live in the shadows, not in fear, but for protection.
Some hunters travel in groups,killing us one at a time.
A hunter and a vampire are about exactly equal in strength.
One particular hunter, Corosso, has been trying to kill me, a young vampire.
Being a vampire has its advantages.
We have strengths that humans cannot attain, such as superhuman strength, and enhanced vision.
All of my senses have boosted.
Holy water and most of the other rumors are fake.
But we cannot walk around in the sun for over a few hours, or we get very tan and eventually die.
We prefer to use hand weapons, such as knives and swords.
I prefer to use my daggers, or small knives.
We need human blood to live, and when we don't have any for a long time, we feel weak, and after a while, we die.
A stake through the heart will kill us, but so will bullets and other weapons. We are just harder to kill.
But now, I need to find a place to hide. And feed. To finish Corosso once and for all.

~~
 
Top Bottom