A Second Of Your Time, Sir, Nothing More

[legoexpo]

Just something I wrote up for my creative writing class.

A Second Of Your Time, Sir, Nothing More

First it needs a rhythm, a
sort of beat
going strong;
A racing little pulse
meant to carry you on.

Now we add the rhymes
though they need not be pretty
Just a little sparkle
So this doesn't seem too gritty.

Marks for technique
for how the words
flow cleanly
But it takes time to be a craftsman
I can say this very simply.

Doesn't matter how many metaphors
or clever
two-faced phrases
You can polish your gemstone
Can paint it subtle glazes

It's a lovely showy bauble
But it doesn't have
a point
It looks flashy with filigree
but
it's going to disappoint

If what you're looking for
is message
a theme to ponder if you will
Bear with me
to the end
and if I've got you with me still

I'll tell you tales of far away
Of worlds
still undiscovered
Buried shacks filled with plague
And a weeping face, veil-covered

Brevity the soul of wit
Trust me,
I've been told
It's not close to being done yet though
Be patient if I'm bold.

Getting there,
Little longer
It's written just below
Hang tight, just a moment
As I paint the status quo.

It's not a happy canvas
Don't exactly please the eye
Nothing's
sophisticated
'bout misery
Yet I'm hardly going to lie

Humans brothers
out there
bleeding
As I sit and jabber on
Maybe something's flawed in me
That I can see it's wrong

Now all I have
is my voice
But it's not true
With the strength and life of youth
There's something
I can do

I haven't worked for Habitat
haven't given of myself
I let the smarter, older sect
The legends preening on my shelf
Stood by for them fix the world
that they so negligently wrecked

Maybe you can help me
Could loan your arms
Build a bridge
To accusing glances housed
In broken bodies on the ridge

Maybe you're not laughing
At my futility and all
Maybe you can do
something
So less of them fall

Stand in for me,
fight in my stead
At first all you were asked
Was to listen, hear it read

And now you've been conscripted
In a massive, savage war
You could dodge, flee the country
But if it spreads you might need more

Take a stand, make a move
It could be very very slight
My thanks for your attention, sir
That precious second of your life.

 

[Venom Dream]

The words themselves flow fairly well, but the message is pretty generic. The metaphors near the beginning are lively, but babble on for too long, and there's some clearly forced rhyming (point with point?). Plus, said rhyming is sparaticly placed throughout the poem. It's cool that you put it from the perspective of the writer (who is presumably not you), but the character, well... doesn't have much character. I kept thinking of that movie cliche, "I'm that black homeless guy on the corner that actually turns out to be a personification of god."
All the lines about "Wait, I'll get to the point soon!" don't need to be there at all.

Anyways... it's alright. It rolls off the tongue nicely, and it's got a few cool ideas in there. But overall I didn't enjoy it that much, and it occassionally sounded preachy. Oh, and I'm pretty sure you made use of a thesaurus a few times in there.