"We Come in Peace. Really." (A work in progress. Ch. 1)

[Zook]

I've had an idea for a humor/sci-fi story for quite a while now, but I've never gotten around to writing it until now. I'll post new 'chapters' here as I write them. Please critique, give feedback, whatever.

***

Chapter 1

“We come in peace,” it said. “Really.”

The people stared up at it. It was 20 feet tall, roughly humanoid, and disgustingly obese. It wore a dull-yellow, rubber-looking jumpsuit, its face hidden beneath a giant gas mask.

It was a Rendow.

The people stared up at the Rendow, and the Rendow stared back down at them, silent. After several minutes of silence and staring, it cleared its throat and said, “You can hear me, right?”

At once, the people nodded.

“Great!” the Rendow boomed through his gas mask. “I wasn’t sure if I was talking to a few Flenddens for a second there.” It chuckled thunderously, and slapped its huge gut.

In fact, the people were very, very lucky that they were not Flenddens, a race of completely deaf and completely mute beings from a distant plant who communicate via scent. As the Rendow had done when he landed on Earth several long, staring, and, for the most part, silent minutes ago, it had landed on the Flendden’s planet and delivered the message- “We come in peace. Really.”- to the Flennden people.


Of course, they couldn’t answer verbally, but attempted to contact the Rendow via producing the smell of bacon and eggs on a lazy Saturday morning, which, when translated into English, means roughly “Who are you, why are you 20 feet tall, and where the hell did you get that dull-yellow, rubber-looking jumpsuit? It’s freakin’ awful, man.”

Unfortunately for them, this message translated to something like “There is a wholesome breakfast in the immediate area,” which is a completely unintelligent response. Convinced that the Flennden people were nothing more than an insentient species on an unimportant albeit delicious-smelling planet, the Rendow reported this back to the Rendow Star Cruiser orbiting the planet, returned to it, and watched as the captain of the ship order the immediate destruction of the planet and conversion of it’s surface into several billion breakfast-scented air fresheners. Of course without any live Flenddens left, the planet smelled nothing like a savory breakfast, and the several billion unscented air fresheners where unloaded into a nearby star.
Finally, a man spoke to the Rendow. “Wha… What are you?” he said.

The Rendow was both surprised and disappointed by the man’s words. Surprised because he wasn’t expecting that humans were sentient beings, disappointed because he wasn’t hoping that humans were sentient beings. From the Star Cruiser, he noticed the planet had what appeared to be very fine, very classy polar ice that would make an excellent “I’m sorry for that little love affair” gift for his wife back home, and an even better engagement gift for his mistress.

After discarding those thoughts, the Rendow cleared his cavernous throat. “I, Earthman, am a representative of the Rendow race, planet Knoom, 5th planet from the sun, Boltt system. Call me… Klom.” He said his name with the sense of nobility, importance, and just the right amount of arrogance only hours upon hours of practicing in front of a mirror could perfect. “My people have become aware of your people’s…” This sounded a bit off to him. There was definitely some grammatical problem here. He continued: “…Uh, your people’s rapid advancement in technology, and would like to plant the seeds of friendship, alliance, etcetera etcetera. I wish to speak with your planet leader.”

The group of people gaped in awe of the being before them.
Most people born after the presence of other intelligent life forms in the universe has been established on their planet often are unable to understand the incredible, world-changing shock felt by those who were alive during this. Beings whom have experienced these moments have been quoted as describing the shock as “Having your parents tell you that Santa Claus doesn’t exist and have actually been lying to you through their teeth all these years, and suddenly Santa bursts through your chimney, devours your mother’s arms and father’s legs and left arm, then gives you a present, pats you on the head and says ‘Ho, ho, ho,’ all in time span of 24 seconds.”

Santa has been quoted as saying “Ho, ho, ho.”

The man spoke up again. “Of course. Klom. Hang on…” He began to dial a cell phone.

Klom shut off his Universal Translator and speaker, and turned on his Ship Communicator. “We’re in,” he said.

 

[LordoftheMorning]

Always so creative, Zook. I'll give this some attention, since it seems like CM is pretty inactive.

I've had an idea for a humor/sci-fi story for quite a while now, but I've never gotten around to writing it until now. I'll post new 'chapters' here as I write them. Please critique, give feedback, whatever.

***

Chapter 1

“We come in peace,” it said. “Really.”

The people stared up at it. It was 20 feet tall, roughly humanoid, and disgustingly obese. It wore a dull-yellow, rubber-looking jumpsuit, its face hidden beneath a giant gas mask.

It was a Rendow.

The people stared up at the Rendow, and the Rendow stared back down at them, silent. After several minutes of silence and staring, it cleared its throat and said, “You can hear me, right?”

At once, the people nodded.

This is probably my favorite part here. You introduce the first important character and the scenario very abruptly, but effectively. It sets what I think would be the appropriate tone for your book/story/thing. So yeah. Yay for good intro. That's something I have yet to perfect in my own book =/.

I have a couple of nit-picky things to say:

Of course, they couldn’t answer verbally, but attempted to contact the Rendow via producing the smell of bacon and eggs on a lazy Saturday morning, which, when translated into English, means roughly “Who are you, why are you 20 feet tall, and where the hell did you get that dull-yellow, rubber-looking jumpsuit? It’s freakin’ awful, man.”

Unfortunately for them, this message translated to something like “There is a wholesome breakfast in the immediate area,”

The "freakin'" kind of killed the joke for me. Idk, it doesn't seem like something a Flennden would say, especially if that particular one was an adult. You might consider "god-awful" or just normal "awful", "terrible", or something.

The second "wholesome breakfast" part brought back some lulz.

In fact, the people were very, very lucky that they were not Flenddens, a race of completely deaf and completely mute beings from a distant plant who communicate via scent. As the Rendow had done when he landed on Earth several long, staring, and, for the most part, silent minutes ago, it had landed on the Flendden’s planet and delivered the message- “We come in peace. Really.”- to the Flennden people.

After discarding those thoughts, the Rendow cleared his cavernous throat. “I, Earthman, am a representative of the Rendow race, planet Knoom, 5th planet from the sun, Boltt system. Call me… Klom.” He said his name with the sense of nobility, importance, and just the right amount of arrogance only hours upon hours of practicing in front of a mirror could perfect. “My people have become aware of your people’s…” This sounded a bit off to him. There was definitely some grammatical problem here. He continued: “…Uh, your people’s rapid advancement in technology, and would like to plant the seeds of friendship, alliance, etcetera etcetera. I wish to speak with your planet leader.”

The group of people gaped in awe of the being before them.
Most people born after the presence of other intelligent life forms in the universe has been established on their planet often are unable to understand the incredible, world-changing shock felt by those who were alive during this. Beings whom have experienced these moments have been quoted as describing the shock as

These are some examples of writing that could/should be condensed in some way. It's not exclusive the quoted sections above, so look through your whole chapter and look for unwieldy sentences. This can bore the reader depending on how it's phrased. Jam has a thing on this. It helped me a lot.

Klom shut off his Universal Translator

You're going to have to come up with some explanation for this one eventually (no matter how crazy said explanation might be). A device like that wouldn't work on a language that had never been heard before. Has to be buy-able. If it's a mystery as to how it works, then you can say that the Rendows don't even know how it works. If the author doesn't even know, then the reader won't be upset at not knowing. I think. Meh. It's comedy, so make a joke out of it!

Santa has been quoted as saying “Ho, ho, ho.”

Overall, entertaining. This reminds me of Douglas Adams' books, which some people might give you flak for, but it doesn't bother me. Idk, hope I could help.

Oh, and btw I like your names like "Rendow" and "Flennden" and stuff. They paint pictures in my mind, as most good made-up names do. "Knoom" is a little meh, but that's just me.

 

[Crimson King]

Word of advice: if you are going to write a novel/novella, do it all at once THEN post it. Your rough draft will be horrible, but once it's done, you will have accomplished a lot.

Chapter 1

“We come in peace,” it said. “Really.”

I like the opening. Maybe add "'Really.' I noticed hesitation in its voice," just something to describe how he is saying it.

The people stared up at it. It was 20 feet tall, roughly humanoid, and disgustingly obese. It wore a dull-yellow, rubber-looking jumpsuit, its face hidden beneath a giant gas mask.

I didn't like this characterization at all. It's 20-feet-tall, which is really tall, "roughly humanoid" (what is that? Explain. Humanoid can refer to a range of creatures), and people are staring, not fleeing. I think you should cut him down to around ten feet to make him just a bit taller than a human. Don't say "he was 20 feet tall," ADD IMAGERY! "His head towered over the sign that said 'Clearance: 16 feet.'" Not just like that, but that line creates A. showing instead of telling, and B. a rough comparison. If I say he is 20-feet-tall, my audience will want to know how I know this.

It was a Rendow.

Horrible line. What's a Rendow? I am sure you explain it later, but you will lose your audience here.

The people stared up at the Rendow, and the Rendow stared back down at them, silent. After several minutes of silence and staring, it cleared its throat and said, “You can hear me, right?”

At once, the people nodded.

“Great!” the Rendow boomed through his gas mask. “I wasn’t sure if I was talking to a few Flenddens for a second there.” It chuckled thunderously, and slapped its huge gut.

A lot to fix here. I like the imagery of the first paragraph in conjunction with the second one (you really format this weird though). I hated the third paragraph. First, why is something that is 20 feet tall speaking English? English is barely the language of Earth. Again, I am sure you explain this later, but as a reader, this flaw would really tie me up. Take out "thunderously." You are forbidden from using adverbs. As I have posted before, imagine when you are writing that you are telling a blind man the scenes of a movie. When you say "He chuckled thunderously," the blind man would ask "how do you know?" You would say, "well, when he laughs if feels like the Earth is shaking." Now, THAT is a great image.

In fact, the people were very, very lucky that they were not Flenddens, a race of completely deaf and completely mute beings from a distant plant who communicate via scent.

Here is where you will lose A LOT of your audience. You call the first create a Rendow, you never say what the people he is speaking to are (I assume human), and then you describe a third race that is not even there.

The word "very" should be avoided, but in humor, it's fine.

As the Rendow had done when he landed on Earth several long, staring, and, for the most part, silent minutes ago, it had landed on the Flendden’s planet and delivered the message- “We come in peace. Really.”- to the Flennden people.

I don't understand this sentence at all.

Of course, they couldn’t answer verbally, but attempted to contact the Rendow via producing the smell of bacon and eggs on a lazy Saturday morning, which, when translated into English, means roughly “Who are you, why are you 20 feet tall, and where the hell did you get that dull-yellow, rubber-looking jumpsuit? It’s freakin’ awful, man.”

Yeah, this joke is okay at best. Remove the last line "it's freakin' awful, man," because it just doesn't fit with the tone.

Unfortunately for them, this message translated to something like “There is a wholesome breakfast in the immediate area,” which is a completely unintelligent response. Convinced that the Flennden people were nothing more than an insentient species on an unimportant albeit delicious-smelling planet, the Rendow reported this back to the Rendow Star Cruiser orbiting the planet, returned to it, and watched as the captain of the ship order the immediate destruction of the planet and conversion of it’s surface into several billion breakfast-scented air fresheners. Of course without any live Flenddens left, the planet smelled nothing like a savory breakfast, and the several billion unscented air fresheners where unloaded into a nearby star.
Finally, a man spoke to the Rendow. “Wha… What are you?” he said.

It's a good story, but it really doesn't fit. I think the whole Flennden thing is out of place, but really, it is hard to say as I have no idea who the protagonist is.

The Rendow was both surprised and disappointed by the man’s words. Surprised because he wasn’t expecting that humans were sentient beings, disappointed because he wasn’t hoping that humans were sentient beings. From the Star Cruiser, he noticed the planet had what appeared to be very fine, very classy polar ice that would make an excellent “I’m sorry for that little love affair” gift for his wife back home, and an even better engagement gift for his mistress.

Change "he wasn't hoping," to "he was hoping they weren't." As it's written both are forms of surprise. The rest is okay.

After discarding those thoughts, the Rendow cleared his cavernous throat. “I, Earthman, am a representative of the Rendow race, planet Knoom, 5th planet from the sun, Boltt system. Call me… Klom.” He said his name with the sense of nobility, importance, and just the right amount of arrogance only hours upon hours of practicing in front of a mirror could perfect. “My people have become aware of your people’s…” This sounded a bit off to him. There was definitely some grammatical problem here. He continued: “…Uh, your people’s rapid advancement in technology, and would like to plant the seeds of friendship, alliance, etcetera etcetera. I wish to speak with your planet leader.”

Good.

The group of people gaped in awe of the being before them.
Most people born after the presence of other intelligent life forms in the universe has been established on their planet often are unable to understand the incredible, world-changing shock felt by those who were alive during this. Beings whom have experienced these moments have been quoted as describing the shock as “Having your parents tell you that Santa Claus doesn’t exist and have actually been lying to you through their teeth all these years, and suddenly Santa bursts through your chimney, devours your mother’s arms and father’s legs and left arm, then gives you a present, pats you on the head and says ‘Ho, ho, ho,’ all in time span of 24 seconds.”

Pretty good imagery. I would polish it a bit, expand upon it some, but it's a good start.

Santa has been quoted as saying “Ho, ho, ho.”

I don't get this, but it isn't needed as it is repeating.

The man spoke up again. “Of course. Klom. Hang on…” He began to dial a cell phone.

Klom shut off his Universal Translator and speaker, and turned on his Ship Communicator. “We’re in,” he said.

The chapter ended well.

Overall, it is a good start. I REALLY advise writing out the entire story first, then posting your rough drafts. I don't like how we have no idea what a Rendow is, what Flenddens look like, or who we are supposed to pay attention to. I am assuming Klom, but there is no indication of that. It pretty much reeks of Douglas Adams, so unless you are going for a homage, I would read more humor to shake off that mimicking of his style. It's one thing to be influenced and inspired, but there are some bits that feel straight out of HHGTTG. If you need me to clarify anything, just ask.

 

[LordoftheMorning]

Horrible line. What's a Rendow? I am sure you explain it later, but you will lose your audience here.

I'm sure CK is more knowledgable than I am, but I'd respectfully disagree. I rather like that line, because it's like you're plunging the reader headfirst into the story. This, of course, makes me feel like you're going to go back and explain the events that occured imediately beforehand in more detail, but I sort of like that tactic.
Simple isn't always bad.

 

[Crimson King]

It is within context. Had he just mentioned the Flenddens, I would have let that go, but he described their race and destruction without giving any indication on WHAT a Rendow even looks like, where it's from, etc. Either add to the Rendow's explanation early on or remove the Flenddens from this chapter. Your goal is to bring the reader into a new reality. By ignoring what the main character is is a risky and dangerous move. In fact, I'd probably let you get away with it, had you not called him a Rendow. Since the chapter takes place from his perspective, why even mention what he is. He knows what he is, so you could easily wipe out all references to Rendow's until the very last line about going to the Rendow ship. Later, he could meet the human leader and explain himself more. I think the fact you have a line that says "It was a Rendow," and then later, you have him thinking about his grammar, is too jumpy for me. It's generally bad writing to hop perspectives in a chapter.

 

[LordoftheMorning]

Yeah, I agree with the hopping perspectives being bad.

Though, merely the name "Rendow" combined with the gas mask and jumpsuit gave me a clear image of the character. Colors seem to do a lot for me, both as a reader and a writer, and a ruddy-yellow suggests a lot of things, at least to me. The phonetics of the word "Rendow" also help me out. Idk.

 

[Zook]

Man, thanks, Lord, Eric. I was expecting that no one would critique me for a while there! I really do appreciate it.

Also, who is Douglas Adams?

 

[Crimson King]

Seriously?

Stop writing this story and read Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. Whether you are joking or not, you should read it, and since I think your story is so close, you will run into trouble despite being ignorant to the story.

Here it is for $10: http://dealoz.com/prod.pl?cat=book&...ort=featured&class=all&shipping_type=standard (This is the Ultimate Edition which includes all 5 novels in the series - HHGTTG, Restaurant at the End of the Universe, Life, the Universe, and Everything, So Long and Thanks for All the Fish, and Mostly Harmless - plus the short story about Zaphod. Read all of them)

 

[LordoftheMorning]

Haha. It's pretty cool though that you had this sort of idea on your own, though. Plus you get a great new series to read.

 

[Crimson King]

I won't entirely rule out that he just hit Douglas Adams' style (it was VERY British), and the Space Comedy genre is greatly lacking, so more than anything, it sucks that he will have to retool heavily.

Feel free to post more, but I strongly suggest finishing the entire thing first.

 

[Thunda-Moo]

Bah. I like writing and posting in spurts, but CK is more experinced then I am as well. Still, I'd say that how much you write/post at once is a pereference thing. But who knows? I could be a moron. It is kind of odd for you to end this spurt before establishing the protagonist, though.

I 100% agree with discribing the Rendow a lot more before going "It was a Rendow." There is no real picture of it for me. I also agree with making it a wee bit shorter, but if the tallness is important for something that you just haven't gotten to yet then feel free to ignore me.

I also agree with taking out "it's freakin' awful, man." It just doesn't fit.

But I'm not going to end this post by just agreeing my face off and not saying anything new! I hate it when people that do that. Your digressions--or however you spell that--the parts that leave the main storyline to adress an optional but usually amusing matter (the Flenddens, Santa, etc.) are worth adressing as a whole. Firstly, they are the parts that make you seem like Douglass Adams. Digressions are just how British writers make funny like that. Seeming like Douglass Adams isn't bad, of course, as he was a great writer (albet a writer that died at the age of 32 from a stress-induced heart attack, probably about his writing deadlines) but you don't want to look too much like him. Not knowing who he is probably helps. But more importantly, being a Adams fan I noticed the biggest difference between your digressions and his that you should endevour to not make a difference: transitions. Douglass Adams manages to seemlessly take you from the main plotline to a humorous interlude without making you bat an eyelash. You... don't. I love the digressions, but your transitions between the digressions and the plotline are poor and jarring. One big issue is probably the fact that your diolouge moves 95% of the plot along, and thus all the long narration portions are these digressions. Work on having narration be more intragal to the storyline so that the reader doesn't get the narration=digression impulse. I had and have the same problem, so beleve me when I say that this somehow works.

 

[Crimson King]

Douglas Adams was 49.

Also, the similarity is almost too much to be ignored. I'd see it having issues with a publisher because of that. I like the style a lot, but that is the first thing I think of, especially, in this genre.