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Waiting for Yesterday

Falco&Victory

Smash Champion
Joined
Apr 28, 2006
Messages
2,544
Location
South Hill, Washinton
I'm going to have my shot at a story, bear with me




Waiting for Yesterday



Chapter I

Remembrance




The sun shone down from the heavens, its light sparkling through the baby blue sky. A gentle breeze slowly blew its way through the green grasses of spring, gently stirring the dewy blades of grass. The field of grass was surrounded by a lazy wall of trees, gently waving their arms through the cool wind. All around one cold see mountains, covered in green that slowly made its way to a cool blue. The peaks of the mountains were dipped white, and were clearly visible in the afternoon sun.
One could sit in that field forever, lost in the joy of everything beautiful. The Robins nested gently in the tress, providing for their children. Furry Chipmunks ran about, free of winter's iron-cold cage. Here one could witness nature as it was intended, unaffected by the outside world. One might also wonder, upon such a perfect day, why would Sol grace its light upon a single tear, sliding down the face of a male youth sitting in the shade of a single, lone tree.
Gentle footsteps, barely more than whisper made their way across the field, not going unnoticed.
"Hello, Prissa", said the youth, without stirring from his place. "I though you might come."
Prissa was, to say the least, a pretty girl. Her brown hair seemed to reflect the vitality of her soul. Her eyes were the same brown color, yet seemed to stand out against her slightly tanned face. Graceful and intelligent, she found the hearts of several men.
"Hi Kevin, I thought I might find you here", Prissa stated quietly. "Nowhere in the world could you find a better place to hide from your troubles."
It was not an insult thrown harshly from one teenager to another; it was a statement of empathy of comfort.
Prissa watched concernedly as Kevin stirred restlessly. "You don't have to do this, dammit! you're not responsible for the rest of us!"
Deep in though, Kevin was calmly sorting out his emotions. He knew how to sit down and think when he needed to. His blue eyes held a desire to learn, a hunger for adventure, and wisdom beyond his years. They were as deep as sea, and gleamed with a childish sense of adventure that. His hair was shaggy and deep black, coming down just over his brow.
"Why shouldn't I be able to take this responsibility? I just turned 16, I'm a man now." Kevin had just turned 16. He did not have the same status as an adult, but he was determined. He knew this argument would not work, but he needed an excuse. He was a bright and responsible person, but he worked in his fair share of misdeeds and 'adventures'.
Unable to control himself anymore he burst out.” Hundreds of people may die, and all because no one believes you! I deserve this task, as my duty to you and to the village."
"Kevin, no man, or child should have to face to do this! You know that none of this is your fault!" Kevin flinched. Prissa was disappointed at his lack of self-control, and it showed.
"Listen, darkness is spreading through the unlike that ever seen! It starts with a few disappearances, maybe, then horrible things start to happen. Villages destroyed, innocents slaughtered, warriors dying without a chance!" She had clearly not gotten any rest in days; she seemed likely to break down at any moment. “Your job is to help the women and children to safety, what higher honor could you want?"
A gust of wind blew by, gently carrying the tear off of Kevin's cheek. "I have to get my share of adventure, don't I? What if I died without ever seeing the world? The nearest city is months away, and it has its own problems. There is no help to be found in miles, and all that stands between darkness and light is our land. When they meet we'll get crushed!".
Prissa was astonished. "But, you can't possibly be thinking of trying to contact help at a time like this! Any man, warrior child or is capable of facing what awaits outside the settlement!"
A gust of wind rushed by, disturbing a group of sleeping skunks. As fast as it had come, the gust calmed down and a gentle breeze took its place.
Almost pleadingly, Kevin looked into Prissa's eyes. "What other choice do I have? No one is willing to take action. This evil is very real, but not even you has seen a glimpse of it. No one here recognizes how great the danger is, and not a soul outside of our populace even knows of its existence. We are the closest people to wherever the hell this evil spawned that are still breathing..." Another tear slid silently down Kevin's other cheek.
Not afraid of intimacy, Prissa bent down and took his hand. Their relationship was strong; some might mistake it for a romance. However this was a bond of friendship and trust that held in it the spirit of great people long dead, but not forgotten. That's not saying that these two were not deeply in love, but this was love at its rarest.

Under the bright, lucid stars the two sat together, enjoying the solace and safety that both knew could not shield them forever. All the dark whispers were of the night were ignored, ruining the perfect moment that they knew would be their last in a long while. All was still and peaceful. The birds slumbered in the branches, the skunks in their den. It was time for the quiet rest that they needed.
"Kevin?"
"Yes, what is Prissa?"
"Do you love me?"
Kevin was taken aback. "Yes, of course I do. What's wrong, you've never been doubtful like this before."
Prissa eyes were watery. "It's always nice to know that no matter what's happened, that you've always been there for me. It's not just that though... You are always so happy just to help. It's like.... you live to make the world a better place, but never quite lose sight of what is important in your life.
"Haha, you know I would never forget about you, if that's what you're getting at!" he teased. He realized that her eyes were watery with joy, not sadness. At least, not too much sadness.
Prissa lied down gently in Kevin's arm and looked at him with a smile on her face. "I know, but it's always nice to hear you say it."


Chapter II

Turmoil


Kevin and Prissa lived in a large village surrounded by mountains and green forest life. Several large grass plains dotted the countryside as well. Every few weeks one could count on some outsiders arriving, either hungry or half dead. The village was isolated; the closest city was Tey Kidiel, The Cavern Forge. To reach it one had to cross the entire mountainous wall, and there in a small hollow, resting between four mountains lay the city.



I'm done writing for tonight
Ok, I fixed those parts I didn't like. Big spin on it now from what I intended when I started.
And I hate the automatic link parsing, blegh


 

NG7

Smash Lord
Joined
Jan 2, 2005
Messages
1,327
Hey man.

First of all just read through it another time and correct a few of the small mistakes in your english. Eg. "loan tree", "Prissa was a ... stunning women". Also left align the text; I found it abit trickier to read.

It's not bad so far. As a layman I can say it's interesting somewhat.

I'm not a creative person on any level or good at writing, so I'm afraid that's the extent of my constructive feedback, so yea. lol

I will say well done mate. I can't deny you props for making an effort. Or maybe it was easy for you, I don't know. It's a pity no-one has come along and commented yet. Hopefully someone will give you a better critique soon.
 

demoncaterpie

Smash Champion
Joined
Oct 4, 2004
Messages
2,224
Location
Abra abra cadabra. I wanna reach out and grab ya!
Yo Falco!

I'm gonna have to be frank with you. This isn't very good. You're probably surprised to hear that, since you most likely put a lot of time and effort into this, but please let me explain.

First off, you write in a style that hasn't been popular since the 19th century, and for good reason. You just use every big word you can think of to describe a situation. Writing isn't about who has the largest vocabulary. It's about finding the perfect word to fit the perfect sense, no matter how big or small that word may be.

Your narrator is also way too omnipresent. He knows exactly what everyone is thinking, making him seem like a God of sorts. When writing, you usually want to keep your point of view focused on one character. Than you can describe other people through him, thus creating a much more interesting story.

This leads into characterization, which is basically absent. The two main characters are exactly the same (though the girl seems to cry a lot, making her a stereotype of the fantasy story that may or may not come out of this introduction). I have no reason to care about these teenagers who talk like English teachers instead of kids in a small village.

When you describe your landscape, a rule of thumb is to create a greater meaning behind it. Now, you don't always have to do this, but it does make it a lot more interesting. The fact that you describe it as the perfect day may not be your best bet. If something terrible is going to happen to the main characters, than give a little hint to it. Maybe there's a single dark cloud that looms above them, or a branch falls of a tree. Any of these could foreshadow the terrible things that will most likely happen to them. Than again, maybe they do live a happy life. In that case, use symbolism to support that!

I used to do the same things when I began writing. I would write these long stories with big words and fancy dialogue and all that stuff. It took me a while to figure out that that's not how you should write. Keep working on this story and keep practicing. I know you'll get better (after all, I like to think I did:laugh:).
 

Falco&Victory

Smash Champion
Joined
Apr 28, 2006
Messages
2,544
Location
South Hill, Washinton
Thanks for the critiquing, I'm not surprise to hear that I'm not good

sorry about the big words thing, but I just have a large vocabulary. In 7th grade I had a college-level reading score. Same with my writing

yeah, there characters are VERY stereotypical, I'm working on that

for some reason when I align the text to the left it won't let me indent.

aaaaaaaaanyway now to editing
 

demoncaterpie

Smash Champion
Joined
Oct 4, 2004
Messages
2,224
Location
Abra abra cadabra. I wanna reach out and grab ya!
Thanks for the critiquing, I'm not surprise to hear that I'm not good

sorry about the big words thing, but I just have a large vocabulary. In 7th grade I had a college-level reading score. Same with my writing

yeah, there characters are VERY stereotypical, I'm working on that

for some reason when I align the text to the left it won't let me indent.

aaaaaaaaanyway now to editing
That's great that you had a college-level reading score! Now use it!

If you know so many words, than what you now need to do now is choose the right word to express a situation.

For instance, let's look at one of your sentences:

The sun shone down from the heavens, its light sparkling through the baby blue sky.
Now, what does this sentence tell us? Well, we can already tell that these people believe in religion, thus the use of "heavens." This would also imply that they believe in an after-life, as opposed to something like reincarnation.

The light is sparkling, suggesting that it's shiny. Or, when something is wet, it tends to illuminate. This could perhaps mean that it just rained, and the man is looking into a sky after some kind of storm.

Now, the fact that the sky is baby blue also says something important. You could have used anything to describe that the sky was that color. You could have said light blue, bright blue, slim blue, or any kind of word you wanted. The fact that you used baby blue is interesting. The word "baby" evokes a form of innocence. The sky is, in a sense, new blue, or free from corruption. This could mean that there is no sort of pollution, or violence or turmoil in the area. More importantly, this could again foreshadow the danger that is about to happen to them. If you wanted to be cool, you could go back to the color of the sky after the bad thing happens and describe it in a different way to show how the world has changed.

So you see, words can mean a lot more than you think. Unless you meant for each of these words to mean what I said (if that's the case, than you don't need to listen to me anymore), I would suggest going back and fixing them so they fit your story. You know so many words, so think about how they relate to each other. Think of the importance of words like "dark", "black", "dull", "shadow", and how they relate to each other. Why should one word be used over the other?

These are the things that a writer has to think about. I know once you figure this out that you'll be able to write an epic story!
 

Falco&Victory

Smash Champion
Joined
Apr 28, 2006
Messages
2,544
Location
South Hill, Washinton
...
.....
.......

great, you just guessed half my plot
*rethink*
lol, i'll write more when I'm not completely sick of writing for school and stuff
i'm not sure what direction I want to take the story in, maybe a LOTR-style thing, maybe a shoop-da-wooper, and maybe something that is so original everyone will bash me for copying other stories*cougheragoncoughwasniceandoriginalbuteverythingthatcanbewrittenhasbeensoalotofpeoplecallhimaplagurisercoughcough*
 

demoncaterpie

Smash Champion
Joined
Oct 4, 2004
Messages
2,224
Location
Abra abra cadabra. I wanna reach out and grab ya!
...
.....
.......

great, you just guessed half my plot
*rethink*
lol, i'll write more when I'm not completely sick of writing for school and stuff
i'm not sure what direction I want to take the story in, maybe a LOTR-style thing, maybe a shoop-da-wooper, and maybe something that is so original everyone will bash me for copying other stories*cougheragoncoughwasniceandoriginalbuteverythingthatcanbewrittenhasbeensoalotofpeoplecallhimaplagurisercoughcough*
LOL! Sorry if I ruined your story.

If you need any help with plot or whatever, you can always send me a PM and I'll do my best to help you out:)
 
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