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Two Minds

Dr_Twist

Smash Lord
Joined
Oct 6, 2006
Messages
1,110
Location
Iowa-gimme some brawl challengers yo!
ok this is my second story i have written and some people have seen the story "obeeda and the evil gods" and i know that wasn't great i hope you like this one





Two Minds



Ring! Just as the bell rang, Vicky raced towards the cafeteria. It was 11:29 and she was starving. “Ah! Lunch at last,” she said to herself.

“Hey, Vicki, what’s up?” Bill asked. Bill was Vicky’s boyfriend. You see Vicky had a crush on him and when her best friend, Carl, told everybody, they started going out.

“Nothing much, where’s Carl?”

“Oh! He called in sick. I think the nurse said he had a throat problem and sounded like a girl”

“No way, really? That must be some throat problem because he’s usually deep.”

“Yea, so what are you doing Friday?”

Vicky blushed. “Nothing, why?”

“Want to go to the movies?”

“Sure! Why not?”

The rest of the school was the same as any day, and went by quickly, but the rest of the day didn’t. Later, at home, Vicky’s mom heard a knock on the door. “Hi, is Vicky home?” the girl said.

“Yeah, just a second. Vicky!”

“What!”

“One of your friends is here!”

“Coming Mom!” Vicky ran down the staris, but suddenly stopped when she saw the girl.

“Hi, Vicky, let’s go to your room and talk.” Vicky was clueless to who this girl was, but she followed anyway. “So, Vicky, how’s school?”

“Who are you?” Vicky asked.

“Ok, I’ll tell you the truth, it’s me, Carl!”

“What!”

“I’ll prove it.”

“How?”

“You, Bill, and I love science fiction and we have a tennis match Tuesday.”

“Ok, so what’s my favorite show?”

“That’s easy, Stargate.”

“Ok, if you’re Carl why are you a girl?”

“Well, it’s hard to explain, but I’ll try. You know how we love sci-fi?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I snuck into area 51, and it happened.”

“How did you get into area 51 and what happened?”

“Well, I hooked a VCR up to a DVD player and added a computer chip and wired that to a light bulb. Then I hooked it all up to the alarm system and hooked that up to the lock! After that I turned it all on the alarm system and the locks were gone and the rest was easy.”

“So, what happened after that!”

“Oh, well, when I got in only a few people were there and I took them out. Then I discovered a huge machine with two helmets and this girl was wearing one and I put the other one on.”

“Then what happened?”

“I suddenly felt a surge throughout my body, and suddenly it stopped. I stood up and felt 50 pounds lighter. Then I looked left and I saw me just sitting there, like I was mindless.”

“Where did you go after that?”

“I came straight here and waited till 4 o’clock.”

“Ok, I believe you, but how am I gonna help?”

“I need your help because before I left, I saw back down and tried to switch back, but it didn’t work.”

“Why?”

“I’m guessing you can’t switch back to the same conscious you switch before!”

“Ok, so how do I help?”

“I need to switch in a certain order and don’t ask what order. I will explain when we get back inside area 51.”

“Ok, but I have one more question.”

“What is it?”

“Why did you go to area 51?”

“Well, when I left for a vacation I got an e-mail saying to go to Nevada. When I go there I met a buy that told me about area 51. After he finished, he ran and knowing me, I was excited and wanted to see it.”

“Honey, it’s bedtime,” Mom said.

“Just a second, Mom,” Vicky replied.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Chad said.

The next day Chad told Vicky everything else that happened.

“Vicky, I need you to come to Nevada with me,” Chad said.

“I don’t know, Chad.”

“Please, I can’t do it without you!”

“Ok, Fine, but it has to be on Friday.”

“That’s Ok.”

When Friday came they left and stayed at a Motel 8.

“Ok, so where is area 51?”

“It’s about 5 miles from here.”

“When are we going there?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Why?”

“We need to buy some stuff for the break-in.”

“Like what?”

“The same stuff won’t work so I need a battery pack, a camera, and a bullet.”

“Ok, let’s go get the stuff.”

Chad and Vicky went to the store, got their stuff, and got ready for the break-in.

“What the heck!” Chad whispered.

“What?” Vicky asked.

“There weren’t that many guards last time.”

“Why is there more now?”

“Hide!”

“Man, that was close.”

“Be quiet and listen. Look there’s a guy talking into his phone.”

“Yes, we found out someone broke in,” the man said.

“Crap, they found out,” Chad said.

“How are we supposed to get past them?” Vicky said.

“Well, I have a pocket knife.”

“No way! We can’t kill anybody.”

“Ok, fine, but what do we do?”

“Put your hands in the air,” a guard yelled.

“Run!” Chad yelled.

The guard started shooting at them when they ran and caught Chad in the arm, but he got away.

“How are you feeling?” Vicky asked.

“Other than my arm, I’m just fine.”

“Very funny, Chad.”

“We do have a problem.

“What?”

“I can’t set-up my equipment.”

“I can do it.”

"Ok, but it’s really confusing.”

“Chad, I have an A+ in everything except geography.”

“Ok, just take the blue wire in the camera and wrap it around the bullet.”

“Ok, what next?”

“Take the red wires and wrap one around the bullet while touching the blue wire and wrap the other one around the battery pack.”

“I’m guessing we do the rest there.”

“Well, you’re right about that!”

“If you feel good enough, we can go to the doctor.”

“No, we need to go to area 51 first.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, now let’s go.”

Chad and Vicky made their way to area 51.

“Ok, I bought a few things to make a distraction so we can get in,” Chad said.

“What do you have?” Vicky asked.

“Fireworks, matches, a launcher and walkie talkies.”

“What are you gonna do?”

“I’m gonna set that shack on fire, than tell anybody that stays that they need help.”

“Well, hopefully that plan works.”

“Ok, here I go.”

Chad launched three fireworks and burned a shack. Some of the guards left and when Chad told them that the other guards needed help they went to the front gate to set-up their equipment.

“Ok, just stick the bullet in the security system, and just whack it.”

When Vicky hit the bullet it made a small explosion and destroyed the security system.

“So, how do we get past the gate?” Vicky asked.

“I’ll pick the lock with my knife,” Chad said.

“I don’t want to know where you learned that.”

Chad picked the lock and ran inside to find his body.

“Where is it?” Chad asked.

“Why don’t you know where it is?” Vicky asked.

“They must have moved it.”

“Well, what do we do now?”

“Wait, there it is. Finally we’re back.

“How do we switch though?”

“Just do it in order. Vicky, you switch with the girl. After that I will switch with your body and the girl mind. Then the final switch will be between yours and the girl’s!”

“Ok, so how do I start this?”

“Sit in the seat, put the helmet on, and I’ll flip the switch.”

“Ok, whatever you say.”

Chad and Vicky did it all and it worked.

“Wait, we should take the girl with us,” Vicky said.

“Why?” Chad asked.

“She’s waking up.”

“Ok, fine.”

“Are you Ok?” Chad asked.

“What’s your name?” Vicky asked.

“I’m fine, just a little tired, and my name is Angela.”

“Hi, Angela,” Chad whispered. “So, you want to get out of here?”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes, I am,” Chad said.

“Thank you so much!” Angela said excitedly.

“How about you thank me by letting me take you to dinner.”

“You drive a hard bargain, but it’s a deal.”
 

Akebo

Smash Apprentice
Joined
Feb 22, 2007
Messages
114
Location
Florida
This isnt any better than the script format. All that this is made up of is dialouge. It's getting better, but you need to add more of who is speaking. I could barely tell some of the times. Also, there is some minor spelling erros and grammatical erros that can easily be fixed. If you want, I could beta your work and try to spruce it u a little bit, even if that is what I am doing now.

Okay, you need to add description in your writing. It gets bland if its al dialouge. Add who the person is that is speaking, what they are doing, possibly how they are feeling and how do they voice their words. I could give you numerous other critiques, but I'll save that for later, unless you want them now?
 

Akebo

Smash Apprentice
Joined
Feb 22, 2007
Messages
114
Location
Florida
Okay. I' sorry, but I told you; I do this a lot. I label it as constructive critisism. I apologize if you feel like I attack you at every turn. But what do I have to show for it? I could post some stories, but I'd rather wait for the time of my new StarFox one to be finished.
 
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