- Joined
- May 31, 2005
- Messages
- 834
alright, so i was arrested on january 27th, the day after i got out of the ****ing mental hospital. this story takes a while to get interesting, but when it does get interesting, it becomes arguably more entertaining than either the two stories i recently posted. here's how it all went down.
valoem (gerry), boone, ira and i went up to ny to a bar for our friend's 21st birthday. even though i wasn't 21 at the time, the bouncer let me in because i said, "oh, well, you see, there's a problem with the birthdate on my license. it should say i was born in 1985." the bouncer started cracking up and said, "hahaha, alright, you get an a for originality, go on in." this has worked at all but one place i've tried this at. you guys should try it if you're trying to get into a bar. it works best when you have other 21 year olds with you.
at any rate, my friend whose birthday it was, rented out a whole room in the bar. it was absolutely packed. i'm not a big fan of bars, so, after wishing my friend happy birthday, i promptly sat down and started ordering whiskey on the rocks and long island iced teas. after several drinks, i went out, had a cigarette, came back, and order a few more. i guess i over did it a bit, and after that, i just left the party, stood outside, smoked cigarettes, and talked to dayna on the phone, the girl i'm dating from the mental hospital. on a side note, she's been sick with salmonella poisoning since thursday because she was one of the 60 or 61 people who got it from bad peanut butter. she said she's lost about 10 pounds and now she looks like a corpse, too. so i just hope when we go out in public together, people won't mistake us for zombies and take a couple pot shots at us with a shotgun or something. luckily, people tell me all the time i look like leon s. kennedy from resident evil 4, (and i definitely agree, my haircut is almost identical to his, although i've had mine since my senior year of high school, a couple years before the game even came out), so i figure i can handle them.
eventually, everyone left the party, and my friends and i went with the birthday boy and a bunch of other friends to get chicken and rice. protip: if you live anywhere near ny and have not had the chicken and rice on 53rd and 6th (it's called halal's) you are DEFINITELY missing out on the most amazing food i've ever had for $5 (or just about any price, for that matter). it's a huge platter of rice with some lettuce and pita on the side and a lot of incredibly well seasoned chicken with the most amazing white sauce and hot sauce i've ever had. personally, i prefer to get lamb instead of chicken and no vegetables, smothered in both sauces. most people seem to prefer the mixed platter of chicken and lamb, but i sincerely believe it's best with just lamb, and i ALWAYS know what i'm talking about. it puts rutger's grease trucks to shame.
so yeah, after we all finished eating, my friends and i caught a train back to penn station to take the train back to nj. for some reason, my three friends were all talking about the attractiveness of boone's sister, gerry's sister, and my sister. i stayed the hell out of it because i thought it was kind of odd, and the taxi driver was definitely weirded the **** out since it sounded like they were a bunch of incestuous weirdos.
so we took the train back to penn station in newark because we were all going to stay in gerry's rutgers dorm. also, here's another protip. rutgers is pronounced rutggers, not rutjers as some misinformed shadows of human beings at berkeley thought for some unknown reason. so, the thing is, to get back to gerry's dorm, we had to take the newark light rail which is basically a subway because we didn't want to have to walk through the bad areas of newark at 5 or so in the morning. we checked the train schedule, and the next train wasn't coming for 45 minutes. the walk to gerry's dorm only takes about 10 or fifteen minutes, and here's where the destruction began.
boone suggested that we should just walk down the tracks, since that way we'd get to the dorm faster and we wouldn't have to walk through bad neighborhoods and it would be kind of interesting. so gerry, boone and i were all down, but ira wanted nothing to do with it. gerry immediatly started walking down the tracks, boone followed a bit afterwards after trying to convince ira to come, and i stayed behind for a bit longer because i tried to convince ira to come. he didn't want to, so i said that i'd stay with him because i didn't want him to be left alone, but he told me just to go. so i did. ira decided a bit after me that he would go, as well. apparently, right after ira started following us, some ******* trying to be all noble and what not ran up the stairs to go fetch an officer of the law.
i ran to catch up to boone, and then we waited for ira while gerry continued running ahead. boone and i were having a **** good time, but ira had his head down and walked very slowly and refused to say much of anything. we got within maybe fifty feet of the station when we heard this booming voice from behind holler out, "WHAT THE **** DO YOU KIDS THINK YOU'RE DOING!!?!?" boone, ira, and i all turned around to see a man in uniform sprinting at us full blast. gerry was already at the next station and phantomed his way the hell out of there. we stopped, because, at least i, just figured it was some transit cop who couldn't really do much but maybe fine us. turns out he was not only a full blown cop, but the police sargent. when he caught up to us, he shoved boone hard as hell, and shouted again, what he yelled before. then another officer came running towards us, as well. then officer number one grabbed me by the sleeve of my coat and spun me violently around, and actually managed to tear some of the threads of my black cashmere overcoat, which really pissed me off. we weren't being belligerent or anything, and there was no need for that amount of force.
so yeah, they walked us to the next station while continuing to shove us and told us that they "had" to stop train traffic, despite the fact that the train was still a good 30 minutes away, and that we endangered not only our lives, but their lives and all that. then they made us assume the position, patted us down, and cuffed us. they made us sit down while they called for back up and a couple cars to take us to the station. additionally, they told the train station to continue traffic. the whole time we waited, officer number one asked us questions in a severely pissed off voice and made snide remarks about us.
about 20 minutes later, the back up and cars finally arrived. now, the whole time we were sitting there, not one train passed us. we would have been absolutely fine. even if a train had passed us, there was a ledge the whole way along the tracks with more than enough room for us to survive safely. then they told us to get up because they were arresting us. now, keep in mind, our hands were cuffed behind our backs and i was still pretty ****ing drunk at this point, so i needed some help standing up. officer number one then said very condescendingly, "what? you can't get up? you need to exercise more you pansie!" this really pissed me off because i'm quite an athlete and, judging by the top speed of this guy's sprint and the amount of time he was huffing and puffing after catching up to us, he was the one who needed more exercise and lay off the **** doughnuts.
so they escorted us to the cars. ira rode with the sargent, boone and i rode with officer number 2 and one other officer. at one point, one of them said, "****! how much did these guys drink? i can smell the alcohol from here!" see, the problem with having a good endocrine system like my own, is that i reek of alcohol when i get drunk, sometimes until i shower the next morning. sometimes even after i shower, i'm told.
so they took us to the station without incident. they they took us to a room with a metal bench and a metal pole behind it and a glass window with a microphone. they then proceeded to make us strip down to one shirt, and took all our clothing and belongings for searching purposes. next, they cuffed us to the pole running behind the bench. they put my cuffs on very tight and it hurt my hand. also the bench was very cold because it was constructed from metal and it made my *** very cold because i don't have any fat on my bones, only incredibly sexy muscle. then, officer number one comes in and says, "do you know what would happen if you guys had been hit by a train? you're all ugly enough already, you don't need anything like that happening to you or you'll have an even harder time getting girls!" that REALLY pissed me off because i'm an insecure kind of guy, but a very attractive, sexy man and i have women (and guys) swooning over me all the time. ira and boone are also attractive fellows, though not to my degree. officer number one, on the other hand couldn't be saved by severe plastic surgery, growing some hair since his shaved head looked very irregular, and the old two finger diet.
so, after a while, they started asking us all our information through the two way mic on the glass window. an incredibly long time later, they came in and began doing more thorough body searches. boone went last. now here's the thing, boone had a fake texas id on him, but while in the police car, managed to take it from his wallet and slip it into his boxers, all while his hands were cuffed. fairly impressive, i'd say. now see, the problem was that while he was being searched, it fell down his pantleg. see, that's why i wear tight designer jeans. while the cop searched ira and i, he lifted up both our pant legs. for boone, on the other hand, the cop only lifted up one pant leg, and it happened to be the one without his fake. **** did he ever get lucky. he would have been seriously ****ed. possession of a fake is a felony. what a **** lucky fellow.
after that, the cop wheeled in a fingerprinting thing, and finger printed us all. it took waaaay longer than it should have because he apparently had no idea what he was doing and kept saying, "oh what the ****!? you ****ing piece of ****! i hate this ****ing thing!" afterwards, we all had our mug shots taken. i'll post mine in las pictoras tomorrow. i look all drunk and disheveled.
after a while, they brought in another criminal. she was a girl who apparently got in a car accident while drunk or on drugs or something. not really thinking, i asked her, "so, what are you in here for, killer?" killers just a nickname i use sometimes for people i don't know, or affectionately for people i do know. she just glared at me without saying a word. after we got released, ira brought up the fact that she may, in fact, HAVE killed someone when she got in her accident. probably not, but maybe. so we all started cracking up. anyway, boone kept trying to talk to her for reasons unknown. she wasn't particularly attractive or anything, and she refused to say a word. eventually, the two of them got in some sort of bizarre staring contest, so i said, laughing, "what the **** is this, boone? a staring contest? what are you, in second grade again?" so he laughed and stopped, and she looked at me affectionately, because, as i said before, i'm an attractive guy and women swoon over me all the ****ing time.
so then we were just sitting there again, for a very long time. so, boone asked me, "hey, you wanna play chess in our heads?" and i was totally down. so we start playing for a while, and eventually started laughing because boone has trouble envisioning diagonal moves and he moved his queen to a spot where i could take it with my bishop. then, officer number one starts yelling at us through the mic, "what's so ****ing funny? huh? there's nothing to laugh about here!" and boone said, "we're playing a game." and officer number one responded, "hey! i don't allow none of that pokeman or digiman crap here!" and so i retorted, very condescendingly, "no, we're playing chess in our heads." then officer number two from earlier said to officer number one, "they're playing chess in their heads? they're pretty **** smart!" and i just wanted to say, "yes! we're smart guys who are good people with no criminal records! i don't even have so much as a moving violation after almost four years of driving! can you please just let us go?! we won't do it again!"
so then boone and i decided to stop playing since we figured it was best not to piss officer number one off anymore than he already is because he's apparently angry at the world. so we were just talking and very bored because we were just waiting, again, for a severely long time. ira wasn't saying anything because it was very clear that he blamed boone for getting arrested.
however, our boredom was soon shattered. they brought in another criminal who looked quite homeless and apparently was high as hell on heroine and decided it would be a good idea to take a crap on the floor of the women's bathroom in penn station. so they brought him into our room and made him assume the position as they searched him. hypodermic needles seriously just started falling our from this guys clothing! it was absolutely ridiculous! they were even falling out from his hat!
we were all in jaw-dropping astonishment. officer number one was the one doing the searching, and for some reason was being exponentially nicer to him than he was to any of us, despite the fact that he was being incredibly bellicose and just took a **** on the ****ing floor of the women's bathroom. i mean, when he lifted up this guys pant legs, the guy had bad infections on both of his calves that were oozing yellow pus, and then officer number one said, incredibly empathetically, "what's this? you shoot up in your calves? yeah, that **** eats through your skin man. it's so dangerous. we're gonna try to help you get some help you kick your addiction." i mean, wtf?? he never offered to get us help to deal with our propensity for walking along train tracks, which is clearly much more addictive than shooting up dope.
so yeah, this guy also smelled like ****, and because all the needles fell out, officer number one decided to take him to another room to be strip searched. thank GOD they didn't just strip search him right there. that was the one decision officer number one made that i am deeply appreciative of. oh, the other really nice thing he did was not breathalize us even though, at least i, reeked of alcohol.
so yeah. after that, nothing else much interesting happened. eventually we signed some papers, got our stuff back, and were released (at like 9 in the morning, hours and hours after we were first apprehended). we decided to just go back to princeton instead of heading over to gerry's. so we got on the train and ira still remained silent and pissed at boone, but boone and i were laughing it up.
we had our arraignment a couple days ago, and i figured if worst came to worst, i'd throw myself on the mercy of the court and say, "oh me oh my! i just got released from the mental hospital the day before i got arrested and i was still getting used to my medication and i couldn't think clearly! oh please oh please forgive me! it won't happen ever again as long as i live, cross my heart, hope to die!" my therapist even said she could write me a letter saying i'm getting treatment and all that. luckily, it was dropped to a city ordinance instead of the trespassing misdemeanor. looks like at most we'll have to do two days of community service and pay a $30 fine. we were all ready to accept that bargain, but the judge seemed to want us to plead not guilty for now and talk to a lawyer, so it seems he thinks we may not even have to do that and the charges will just be dropped. it'll also be expunged from our record for sure because it was all our first offense. that's what happens these days. things just go off and get expunged from people's records. it's like some long boring story i never really listened to because i never cared that much about it in the first place.
well, if you've managed to get through it all the way to here, kudos, my friend, kudos. thanks for reading this incredibly long story, and i hope you enjoyed it. sayonara for now!
valoem (gerry), boone, ira and i went up to ny to a bar for our friend's 21st birthday. even though i wasn't 21 at the time, the bouncer let me in because i said, "oh, well, you see, there's a problem with the birthdate on my license. it should say i was born in 1985." the bouncer started cracking up and said, "hahaha, alright, you get an a for originality, go on in." this has worked at all but one place i've tried this at. you guys should try it if you're trying to get into a bar. it works best when you have other 21 year olds with you.
at any rate, my friend whose birthday it was, rented out a whole room in the bar. it was absolutely packed. i'm not a big fan of bars, so, after wishing my friend happy birthday, i promptly sat down and started ordering whiskey on the rocks and long island iced teas. after several drinks, i went out, had a cigarette, came back, and order a few more. i guess i over did it a bit, and after that, i just left the party, stood outside, smoked cigarettes, and talked to dayna on the phone, the girl i'm dating from the mental hospital. on a side note, she's been sick with salmonella poisoning since thursday because she was one of the 60 or 61 people who got it from bad peanut butter. she said she's lost about 10 pounds and now she looks like a corpse, too. so i just hope when we go out in public together, people won't mistake us for zombies and take a couple pot shots at us with a shotgun or something. luckily, people tell me all the time i look like leon s. kennedy from resident evil 4, (and i definitely agree, my haircut is almost identical to his, although i've had mine since my senior year of high school, a couple years before the game even came out), so i figure i can handle them.
eventually, everyone left the party, and my friends and i went with the birthday boy and a bunch of other friends to get chicken and rice. protip: if you live anywhere near ny and have not had the chicken and rice on 53rd and 6th (it's called halal's) you are DEFINITELY missing out on the most amazing food i've ever had for $5 (or just about any price, for that matter). it's a huge platter of rice with some lettuce and pita on the side and a lot of incredibly well seasoned chicken with the most amazing white sauce and hot sauce i've ever had. personally, i prefer to get lamb instead of chicken and no vegetables, smothered in both sauces. most people seem to prefer the mixed platter of chicken and lamb, but i sincerely believe it's best with just lamb, and i ALWAYS know what i'm talking about. it puts rutger's grease trucks to shame.
so yeah, after we all finished eating, my friends and i caught a train back to penn station to take the train back to nj. for some reason, my three friends were all talking about the attractiveness of boone's sister, gerry's sister, and my sister. i stayed the hell out of it because i thought it was kind of odd, and the taxi driver was definitely weirded the **** out since it sounded like they were a bunch of incestuous weirdos.
so we took the train back to penn station in newark because we were all going to stay in gerry's rutgers dorm. also, here's another protip. rutgers is pronounced rutggers, not rutjers as some misinformed shadows of human beings at berkeley thought for some unknown reason. so, the thing is, to get back to gerry's dorm, we had to take the newark light rail which is basically a subway because we didn't want to have to walk through the bad areas of newark at 5 or so in the morning. we checked the train schedule, and the next train wasn't coming for 45 minutes. the walk to gerry's dorm only takes about 10 or fifteen minutes, and here's where the destruction began.
boone suggested that we should just walk down the tracks, since that way we'd get to the dorm faster and we wouldn't have to walk through bad neighborhoods and it would be kind of interesting. so gerry, boone and i were all down, but ira wanted nothing to do with it. gerry immediatly started walking down the tracks, boone followed a bit afterwards after trying to convince ira to come, and i stayed behind for a bit longer because i tried to convince ira to come. he didn't want to, so i said that i'd stay with him because i didn't want him to be left alone, but he told me just to go. so i did. ira decided a bit after me that he would go, as well. apparently, right after ira started following us, some ******* trying to be all noble and what not ran up the stairs to go fetch an officer of the law.
i ran to catch up to boone, and then we waited for ira while gerry continued running ahead. boone and i were having a **** good time, but ira had his head down and walked very slowly and refused to say much of anything. we got within maybe fifty feet of the station when we heard this booming voice from behind holler out, "WHAT THE **** DO YOU KIDS THINK YOU'RE DOING!!?!?" boone, ira, and i all turned around to see a man in uniform sprinting at us full blast. gerry was already at the next station and phantomed his way the hell out of there. we stopped, because, at least i, just figured it was some transit cop who couldn't really do much but maybe fine us. turns out he was not only a full blown cop, but the police sargent. when he caught up to us, he shoved boone hard as hell, and shouted again, what he yelled before. then another officer came running towards us, as well. then officer number one grabbed me by the sleeve of my coat and spun me violently around, and actually managed to tear some of the threads of my black cashmere overcoat, which really pissed me off. we weren't being belligerent or anything, and there was no need for that amount of force.
so yeah, they walked us to the next station while continuing to shove us and told us that they "had" to stop train traffic, despite the fact that the train was still a good 30 minutes away, and that we endangered not only our lives, but their lives and all that. then they made us assume the position, patted us down, and cuffed us. they made us sit down while they called for back up and a couple cars to take us to the station. additionally, they told the train station to continue traffic. the whole time we waited, officer number one asked us questions in a severely pissed off voice and made snide remarks about us.
about 20 minutes later, the back up and cars finally arrived. now, the whole time we were sitting there, not one train passed us. we would have been absolutely fine. even if a train had passed us, there was a ledge the whole way along the tracks with more than enough room for us to survive safely. then they told us to get up because they were arresting us. now, keep in mind, our hands were cuffed behind our backs and i was still pretty ****ing drunk at this point, so i needed some help standing up. officer number one then said very condescendingly, "what? you can't get up? you need to exercise more you pansie!" this really pissed me off because i'm quite an athlete and, judging by the top speed of this guy's sprint and the amount of time he was huffing and puffing after catching up to us, he was the one who needed more exercise and lay off the **** doughnuts.
so they escorted us to the cars. ira rode with the sargent, boone and i rode with officer number 2 and one other officer. at one point, one of them said, "****! how much did these guys drink? i can smell the alcohol from here!" see, the problem with having a good endocrine system like my own, is that i reek of alcohol when i get drunk, sometimes until i shower the next morning. sometimes even after i shower, i'm told.
so they took us to the station without incident. they they took us to a room with a metal bench and a metal pole behind it and a glass window with a microphone. they then proceeded to make us strip down to one shirt, and took all our clothing and belongings for searching purposes. next, they cuffed us to the pole running behind the bench. they put my cuffs on very tight and it hurt my hand. also the bench was very cold because it was constructed from metal and it made my *** very cold because i don't have any fat on my bones, only incredibly sexy muscle. then, officer number one comes in and says, "do you know what would happen if you guys had been hit by a train? you're all ugly enough already, you don't need anything like that happening to you or you'll have an even harder time getting girls!" that REALLY pissed me off because i'm an insecure kind of guy, but a very attractive, sexy man and i have women (and guys) swooning over me all the time. ira and boone are also attractive fellows, though not to my degree. officer number one, on the other hand couldn't be saved by severe plastic surgery, growing some hair since his shaved head looked very irregular, and the old two finger diet.
so, after a while, they started asking us all our information through the two way mic on the glass window. an incredibly long time later, they came in and began doing more thorough body searches. boone went last. now here's the thing, boone had a fake texas id on him, but while in the police car, managed to take it from his wallet and slip it into his boxers, all while his hands were cuffed. fairly impressive, i'd say. now see, the problem was that while he was being searched, it fell down his pantleg. see, that's why i wear tight designer jeans. while the cop searched ira and i, he lifted up both our pant legs. for boone, on the other hand, the cop only lifted up one pant leg, and it happened to be the one without his fake. **** did he ever get lucky. he would have been seriously ****ed. possession of a fake is a felony. what a **** lucky fellow.
after that, the cop wheeled in a fingerprinting thing, and finger printed us all. it took waaaay longer than it should have because he apparently had no idea what he was doing and kept saying, "oh what the ****!? you ****ing piece of ****! i hate this ****ing thing!" afterwards, we all had our mug shots taken. i'll post mine in las pictoras tomorrow. i look all drunk and disheveled.
after a while, they brought in another criminal. she was a girl who apparently got in a car accident while drunk or on drugs or something. not really thinking, i asked her, "so, what are you in here for, killer?" killers just a nickname i use sometimes for people i don't know, or affectionately for people i do know. she just glared at me without saying a word. after we got released, ira brought up the fact that she may, in fact, HAVE killed someone when she got in her accident. probably not, but maybe. so we all started cracking up. anyway, boone kept trying to talk to her for reasons unknown. she wasn't particularly attractive or anything, and she refused to say a word. eventually, the two of them got in some sort of bizarre staring contest, so i said, laughing, "what the **** is this, boone? a staring contest? what are you, in second grade again?" so he laughed and stopped, and she looked at me affectionately, because, as i said before, i'm an attractive guy and women swoon over me all the ****ing time.
so then we were just sitting there again, for a very long time. so, boone asked me, "hey, you wanna play chess in our heads?" and i was totally down. so we start playing for a while, and eventually started laughing because boone has trouble envisioning diagonal moves and he moved his queen to a spot where i could take it with my bishop. then, officer number one starts yelling at us through the mic, "what's so ****ing funny? huh? there's nothing to laugh about here!" and boone said, "we're playing a game." and officer number one responded, "hey! i don't allow none of that pokeman or digiman crap here!" and so i retorted, very condescendingly, "no, we're playing chess in our heads." then officer number two from earlier said to officer number one, "they're playing chess in their heads? they're pretty **** smart!" and i just wanted to say, "yes! we're smart guys who are good people with no criminal records! i don't even have so much as a moving violation after almost four years of driving! can you please just let us go?! we won't do it again!"
so then boone and i decided to stop playing since we figured it was best not to piss officer number one off anymore than he already is because he's apparently angry at the world. so we were just talking and very bored because we were just waiting, again, for a severely long time. ira wasn't saying anything because it was very clear that he blamed boone for getting arrested.
however, our boredom was soon shattered. they brought in another criminal who looked quite homeless and apparently was high as hell on heroine and decided it would be a good idea to take a crap on the floor of the women's bathroom in penn station. so they brought him into our room and made him assume the position as they searched him. hypodermic needles seriously just started falling our from this guys clothing! it was absolutely ridiculous! they were even falling out from his hat!
we were all in jaw-dropping astonishment. officer number one was the one doing the searching, and for some reason was being exponentially nicer to him than he was to any of us, despite the fact that he was being incredibly bellicose and just took a **** on the ****ing floor of the women's bathroom. i mean, when he lifted up this guys pant legs, the guy had bad infections on both of his calves that were oozing yellow pus, and then officer number one said, incredibly empathetically, "what's this? you shoot up in your calves? yeah, that **** eats through your skin man. it's so dangerous. we're gonna try to help you get some help you kick your addiction." i mean, wtf?? he never offered to get us help to deal with our propensity for walking along train tracks, which is clearly much more addictive than shooting up dope.
so yeah, this guy also smelled like ****, and because all the needles fell out, officer number one decided to take him to another room to be strip searched. thank GOD they didn't just strip search him right there. that was the one decision officer number one made that i am deeply appreciative of. oh, the other really nice thing he did was not breathalize us even though, at least i, reeked of alcohol.
so yeah. after that, nothing else much interesting happened. eventually we signed some papers, got our stuff back, and were released (at like 9 in the morning, hours and hours after we were first apprehended). we decided to just go back to princeton instead of heading over to gerry's. so we got on the train and ira still remained silent and pissed at boone, but boone and i were laughing it up.
we had our arraignment a couple days ago, and i figured if worst came to worst, i'd throw myself on the mercy of the court and say, "oh me oh my! i just got released from the mental hospital the day before i got arrested and i was still getting used to my medication and i couldn't think clearly! oh please oh please forgive me! it won't happen ever again as long as i live, cross my heart, hope to die!" my therapist even said she could write me a letter saying i'm getting treatment and all that. luckily, it was dropped to a city ordinance instead of the trespassing misdemeanor. looks like at most we'll have to do two days of community service and pay a $30 fine. we were all ready to accept that bargain, but the judge seemed to want us to plead not guilty for now and talk to a lawyer, so it seems he thinks we may not even have to do that and the charges will just be dropped. it'll also be expunged from our record for sure because it was all our first offense. that's what happens these days. things just go off and get expunged from people's records. it's like some long boring story i never really listened to because i never cared that much about it in the first place.
well, if you've managed to get through it all the way to here, kudos, my friend, kudos. thanks for reading this incredibly long story, and i hope you enjoyed it. sayonara for now!
