The Novel - Chapter 1

[Greenstreet]

Close me!​

So basically my friend dared me to write a novel at least 75, 000 words long before I was 21, this is the first chapter.
I could take this dare stupidly, and just write any old thing for 100 pages, but I really want to avoid it being a pointless waste of my time. So I would love some feedback from those who I am sure would be much more experienced at story telling and writing then I am.

THE NOVEL by Jared Greenstreet

CHAPTER 1

The sun seemed to set slower than usual over the rigid horizon. He stared at the dimming light fading over the edge of the mountain range and realised this was one of only a few times he would appreciate the sun’s presence for a few more moments. He’d always liked the cool of the night, the quiet secrecy it gave him to go about his business undetected. The mystery that surrounded it was far from a coincidence, things lay hidden in the black of night. It had always been the easiest time to work efficiently, but not tonight. Without the light, it would be difficult to continue his search. The tracks were hard enough to see at midday, and now shadows engulfed the ground, slowly burying the day under the thick fog that accompanied it.

Standing up straight, he tried to gauge his location. Dead ahead lay a mountain range, steep and arduous, stretching over hundreds of kilometres. The grassy mountain tips poked through the darkness and loomed over him, eerily threatening. He’d been through the mountains on a couple of occasions, none of which had been worth the trouble, but this time, he knew it would be. This time the reward far outweighed the risk. He would go through the treacherous caves and over deathly peaks a thousand times if it meant success. Whether he would survive is another question, but he never let something as unpredictable as death slow him down. It had failed to slow him before and he was sure he could evade it again given the opportunity.

He glanced over his shoulder, catching the dim light of fire that managed to pierce the decadent fog. About a day’s travel behind him a town was based. But unfortunately, a town it was no longer. The light that pervaded the fog was the town burning. He’d been too late to stop it, and his target was far too fast and even more destructive. He thought it was ironic how frivolous they were with life, all things considering. He didn’t really care. The town was not his problem, nor did he bear it as if it was. He’d seen cities rise and fall, wars break out and famine spread. The people of that town were of no consequence to his journey, through his walk of life, so he would even pretend like he bore their lives on his conscience. There was nothing more he could have done. And in the broader view of things, they certainly weren’t significant enough to warrant worry.

He sighed, there was little point going on tonight. He lent closer to the ground, seizing the last opportunity to speculate what direction he would head at daybreak. Amongst the grass he smelt the stench of his target, he saw the crushed grass where their feet had impressed, and he felt the mud that had fallen from their boots in between his fingers. There was no mistaking that he was heading in the right direction. Even without the tracks he could sense he was drawing closer after each day, slowly making headway. But even with this confidence he was still afraid. The target was carrying cargo very precious to him, something he needed. Something he had been looking for the majority of his life that had only recently made its presence known in the world. It would be the difference between life and death for him, in fact, it was the difference between a lot of things. And he felt it. And he would feel it again tonight.

As he laid his head on the dry grass, he knew his dreams would caution him on his journey. Fortunately for him, his dreams were particularly helpful. To him, they were more alternate realities than they were dreams, places he could go, find answers and see a different perspective. But it was never certain, it was nothing that he could control; not yet anyway.

As his eyes closed his mind flicked once more to the thing he most desired.
“Soon...soon” he whispered to himself, the darkness choosing not to reply.
But his dreams did. As he drifted off, streaks of colours played rapidly in his mind, passionate colours of red and black darted violently from left to right. Moving provocatively, they seemed to attack one another with no pattern at all, often following a certain course then lunging across his mind toward the other streak. In the beginning red streaks would only attack the black, and the black streaks would only attack the red, but as this reality progressed, and more streaks were formed, they began to attack each other. Smaller streak formed from larger ones. These streaks moved faster and were far more aggressive, often only attacking their own colour. As the onslaught continued, the large streaks that had been present from the beginning began to slow. They faded, tearing in places, pieces breaking off in others, but this did not stop the ferocity of the other colours attacks.

Then suddenly, in the midst of the movement and dancing of these colours, a white blotch, like splashed paint, appeared in the middle. It barely moved at first, apart from a mere tremble. As time passed, it started to travel, moving slightly from left to right, as if not knowing which way to go. As if its courage grew it began moving for rapidly, but nothing compared to the steaks of red and black that continued to fly around, above and below it. As it grew faster it began to follow certain streaks, but could never catch them, it was too slow. But it continued to follow the streak, stubborn as a mule as it went. Eventually it grew fast enough to catch a streak, turning it to white on impact. It seemed destined to changed each and every streak.

The man opened his eyes and stars entered his gaze once more. This wasn’t the first time a dream had made little sense to him. He shrugged it off and fell back into slumber, into the rest of night, without a further dream, and this was unsettling.

In the morning his search would continue...

___________

Obviously it is a progressive work and I will be adding chapters as time passes, so please bear with me.
​

 

[Jam Stunna]

First off, it's not really a good idea to show people parts of your story. If you're looking to write a novel, complete the whole thing before you start worrying about getting feedback. Otherwise, you may find yourself perpetually writing the first chapter, as you edit it continuously based on what other people have said.

However, you already posted it, so let's take a look. You have a decent start here, but the two biggest problem is that you're over-writing the story. Basically, you're using an unnecessary amount of description and repetition to make parts of your story seem more important.

1.He glanced over his shoulder, catching the dim light of fire that managed to pierce the decadent fog. About a day’s travel behind him a town was based. But unfortunately, a town it was no longer. The light that pervaded the fog was the town burning. He’d been too late to stop it, and his target was far too fast and even more destructive. He thought it was ironic how frivolous they were with life, all things considering. He didn’t really care. The town was not his problem, nor did he bear it as if it was. He’d seen cities rise and fall, wars break out and famine spread. The people of that town were of no consequence to his journey, through his walk of life, so he would even pretend like he bore their lives on his conscience. There was nothing more he could have done. And in the broader view of things, they certainly weren’t significant enough to warrant worry.

2.He sighed, there was little point going on tonight. He lent closer to the ground, seizing the last opportunity to speculate what direction he would head at daybreak. Amongst the grass he smelt the stench of his target, he saw the crushed grass where their feet had impressed, and he felt the mud that had fallen from their boots in between his fingers. There was no mistaking that he was heading in the right direction. Even without the tracks he could sense he was drawing closer after each day, slowly making headway. But even with this confidence he was still afraid. The target was carrying cargo very precious to him, something he needed. Something he had been looking for the majority of his life that had only recently made its presence known in the world. It would be the difference between life and death for him, in fact, it was the difference between a lot of things. And he felt it. And he would feel it again tonight.

​

In the first paragraph, you've communicated two ideas: That the "target" your character is chasing is bad, and that your character is indifferent to the suffering of others. You accomplished that in the first half of the paragraph, so everything after that is unnecessary ( and too dramatic as well).

In the second paragraph section that I highlighted, you're trying to tell the reader that the "target's cargo" is important to your character. So say it and move on. Repeating facts about something doesn't make it more important, it just makes the reading more boring. Importance, feeling, description and things of that natureshould be communicated by which words you use, not how many times you use them.

You're doing okay so far, but I would advise you not to re-write this chapter. Keep what I said in mind, but keep going. Writing the book comes first; making it a good book happens later, in editing.

 

[Chaco]

Might wanna water mark this.

 

[Crimson King]

I'll make it bleed when I get home, but I saw exactly what Jam meant - overwriting. Also, to reiterate, posting one chapter won't tell us anything. All we can say is that you are a good writer or not, but it won't say if the novel is good. To compare, it'd be like me posting the first paragraph of a story and asking for critique, and saying I am not finished the whole thing yet.

 

[Greenstreet]

Ok, thats fine. Good to know, I'll keep it outta here. Also the criticism is appreciated Jam.
Please close this then!