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My trauma center story chapter 1

darkshy

Smash Ace
Joined
Feb 19, 2007
Messages
526
Location
Lake Worth FL
The Caduceus files were scattered across the desk of the horror stricken nurse Angie Thompson. Tyler Chase appeared moments later as he tripped over the chairs located in Angie’s office due to his hastiness

“Is it true?! I thought we got all those *******s w-what happened?!” Yelled Tyler.
“I-I-I don’t know! I thought we defeated them all as well”. Replied Angie. “We have to do something! We can’t just sit around doing nothing! What are we gonna do!” Yelled Tyler.

Realizing her only option Angie, now with hot tears running down her cheeks, called the one man who could defeated them before, could eliminate the new GUILT, and the who one who saved her father. She proceeded towards the telephone located on her desk and dialed a few numbers and said…

“Get me Derrek Stiles.”


Over on the western coast of South Africa Derrek Stiles and a team of Caduceus specialists were on an assignment to help Caduceus Africa discover a new virus that has been affecting the African tribes in the area.

“Th-thank you for coming Mr. Stiles. We are happy that you have come to our assistance.” Said one of the doctors. “Oh please, with all due respect, call me Derrek. Mr. Stiles was my father.” Replied Derrek.

The doctor, slightly satisfied with Derrek’s positive attitude, and then directed them to the briefing room.

“P-please this way we must make haste.” Urged the doctor. “Is it me or is he a little uneasy?” asked Derrek to one of the Caduceus members. “Well remember you ARE famous.” Replied the member. “I guess your right but I still don’t like it. It makes ME feel uneasy…” he confessed.

Just as the group was about to walk through the door into the briefing room; one of the doctors stopped Derrek. He passed Derrek the phone and told Derrek that Angie was on the line.

“She probably was calling to see if I made a safe lading.” Thought Derrek. “Hey Angie I’m alright if your wondering.” He said. “Derrek this no time for games you need to get back here now!” yelled Angie. “A-angie what happened?” asked Derrek. “I-I don’t know how it happened! I-I-I just need you here!” said cried.
“Angie!” he yelled.
“I thought we won I thought it was finally over!”
“Angie!!”
“How could they do this? Th-th-they’re only children! WH-wh-why-“
“ANGIE!”
She began to bawl out loud. She couldn’t take it. All it did was bring back those horribly painful memories that she never wanted to experience ever again.

“Angie! You’re going to have to tell me WHAT HAPPENED?!” he urged. “Derrek…” she hiccupped. “They attacked the children home Derrek! They’re only little kids! They’re new borns there! They can’t do anything to them! They’re monster! They’re freaking monsters! How can they release a new strain of GUILT on them?!” Angie revealed.

Derrek was devastated by those words. He couldn’t believe that the battle he fought for so long was still not finished. The other doctors were looking him now. Derrek noticed they were staring to and also stared...

But it was at something ENTIRLEY different. On the LCD projection screen there was video footage of the virus that was infecting the African tribes. The other doctors may have suspected it but Derrek knew full well what that was. It was a GUILT…And it was ALSO a new strain. Derrek only option was to tell the doctors and go back to the U.S. and save those children.

“Sir! The patients are all going into starting to go into Cardiac Arrest! There is also have Hemorrhaging along the Intestine and some are even coming down with Peritonitis! We don’t know what to do! We have to operate now!” yelled on of the nurses. “****! I have to get back to Angie but I can’t let these patients die! What am I going to do?!” thought Derrek.
 

Akebo

Smash Apprentice
Joined
Feb 22, 2007
Messages
114
Location
Florida
Waaaaay too short. Need more organizing. More grammatical support. More descriptions. I told you: You need to add actions and emotions. Tie it with composition.
 

demoncaterpie

Smash Champion
Joined
Oct 4, 2004
Messages
2,224
Location
Abra abra cadabra. I wanna reach out and grab ya!
I thought it was pretty good. Yes it was short and you could have used better word choices, but it was still pretty interesting. Kudos for making an fanfiction on a low-brow game.

Over on the western coast of South Africa Derrek Stiles and a team of Caduceus specialists were on an assignment to help Caduceus Africa discover a new virus that has been affecting the African tribes in the area.
This sentence was really awkawrd. You repeated the same word (and sometimes the same thing) over and over, making it strange to read. Work on simplifying your sentences so they don't run on like this one.

It's a good start, but it could be better. Keep at it. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
 

darkshy

Smash Ace
Joined
Feb 19, 2007
Messages
526
Location
Lake Worth FL
Thaks for the comments! Oh and Akebo I did take your comments into consideration for the next chapter I just wanted to know what everyone else thought. ( I showed this to you on the bus remember?)
 

Akebo

Smash Apprentice
Joined
Feb 22, 2007
Messages
114
Location
Florida
I thought you were going to change it. I did show you how to write it a little better. I think it's time for me to oil the ole' machine again; I'm in the mood for angst.
 
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