Musings of an Insomniac

[DusK-The-Stray]

Link to original post: [drupal=4997]Musings of an Insomniac[/drupal]



Hmm, how should I go about this...


So I participated in this brawl tournament last week. Everything went well, I had a lot fun and hell, I even got 3rd place in a community tournament (as opposed to a random Gamestop or other local game store tournament). I finally got a taste of what it feels like to place in the money, I feel like I've improved as a player even! I'd consider the bracket I had difficult too, all of the matches were tough for me but they were all extremely fun and I managed to win. Clearly, I should be feeling really good, no?

Then... Why do I feel like I don't deserve the success I've just had? This isn't the first time I've felt like this either. A couple of tournaments back, I placed 5th and have generally kept myself around 9th to 5th in placings. Yet, for some odd reason I still don't know, I feel like I don't deserve it. I feel like I'm marked better than I should be marked. The recent praise I've gotten also feels somewhat odd, not that it sounded insincere or anything like that, just odd. So I ask myself, is something bothering my conscience?

What really bothers me is that this exact same line of thought follows me to a lot of what I've done lately, for about the past 1 and a half or 2 years to be exact, affecting my school work and my other hobbies as well. The thing is, I practice hard and work hard or at least I like to think I do. My goal (outside of my major) is really just self-improvement, I don't have a set level I want to get to, I just want to continue getting better at the things I do. It isn't that I feel like I should be failing though, it's more like I just feel like I don't currently deserve the apparent success I'm having.

I know it may seem a bit dumb or something, but I thought I'd give this blog thing a try. So I post this here in SWF to try and gain some valuable insight from my fellow smashers.

 

[RespawningJesus]

This is an odd case.

If you don't feel like you deserve to win after there are obvious signs of improvement, then maybe you feel that way in an effort to push yourself to do better?

Or the fact that you're so used to being at a certain level of play, then you start to do better that you forget how it feels to win, and as such, it feels odd.

Those are the only explanations I can come up with.

Just be proud of your achievements and give yourself a pat on the back when you reach said achievements. Then go out there and continue to improve and grow. You'll always reach a roadblock at some point in your journey, but learn from your mistakes and losses and move on forward until you have access to the road again. That is how the best get better.

 

[DusK-The-Stray]

I think I'm leaning towards the second explanation because I've always been the kind of person who's always looking for ways to improve himself. I have to admit, it didn't even occur to me that I may simply not be used to it. I will try to simply just be proud of what I've done and continue improving and growing. Which reminds me, I might have another tournament this weekend, I wonder how this one will go.

Thank you for your time, DAK075, it really is appreciated.

I would still like to hear from other people though, new perspectives on this are always welcome to me.