Super_Sonic8677
Smash Lord
Link to original post: [drupal=4314]Misery 2 Part 1: Feels Like The First Time[/drupal]
NOTICE: Read the Prelude first or you may not know what I'm even talking about! And I changed my mind on the name because once again it became too long so I had to split it..again. <.<; Damn longwindedness
It's about this time of year, 2010. Leaves are finally sprouting on the trees and the bitter cold of winter is taking it's leave to make way for the rain and warmth of spring and the summer to come.
Things were finally starting get back to a bit of normalcy in my life, and the coldness and pain in my heart was finally subsiding along with the cold outdoors. I had come to the point of acceptance. Shortly after this me and this girl named Jessica started to txt and talk over the phone. She kinda reminded me of well, me. She was on the more quiet and would rather text than talk. I had been introduced to her through Britney, her cousin, who was supposed to get my number for her but used it herself lol. But she came on too strong and we stopped talking after that which is about when Jess got ahold of me for the first time.
I found amusing and odd kinda that she had someone else get the number for her. And for the life of me I couldn't place her even though she told me we met before. Also it didn't bother her really that I didn't remember either.
Which like I said before, made me think of those date site motivationals, you know the ones I'm talking about, where there's super model like babe in the picture and then when you see the actual person. NOTHING ALIKE. There's nothing wrong with not being an 13 out of 10. If you're a short brunette who's more pale-like and not 87 lbs wet, Don't post a picture of an anerexic cali-blond. /end mini rant
But there was also part of me that thought that maybe she's just shy and has trouble talking to people that same as I do. Though as I had come to terms with this new job, greeting and small talk you learn to do pretty fast and you get better at being sociable at least in part.
Regardless I liked talking to her and even though she wasn't there and there wasn't anything of course between us, talking to her helped with some of the loneliness that still ate at me when I had too much time on my hands or late hours when I should be asleep.
This back and forth went on for maybe about 2 weeks. By the end of the first week I had kinda taken an interest in her. I liked talking to her. She was alot easier talk to than her cousin, and I just liked her personality as far as one can tell through mostly text. So I started trying to set up some kind of date. Just something casual like lunch or a movie or something. I had just recently bought a car, a 2001 grand am, so the novelty of driving was back in my veins too.
But every time I would bring something like that up, she would kinda avoid it or change the subject or tell me she's busy or different things. Eventually I half-jokingly something like "So do you want to meet up sometime? Or are you really going to always be the faceless texter girl? lol"
And that's when she offered me to join her and some friends of hers to a bonfire. Which even though I told her sounded awesome, old feelings of anxiety and nervousness welled up inside me. Question of "What are her friends like? Will they accept me? I've only ever drank anything stronger than beer once they're going to laugh at me?" "What is Jessica like in person? Am I going to be able to talk to her once I see her face to face?" "What's she going to think when she sees me?" All these and many other ones went through my mind as I waited for the day to arrive.
During that waiting I helped her settle things with her ex Cameron, mosty just giving support to her and being there for her as he was cheating on her, helping lead her away from going back to him. No one deserves that crap.
By the time we finally met we were already about as good as friends get just going back and forth texting. We were talking to each other throughout the whole day everyday. So I was nervous as hell, and up until the last couple years have always had weight problems and I was, am and probably no matter how far into training I go, will always be selfconscious of my gut. lmao Even though it was pretty non-existent at the time.
Well I pull up to her into driveway, looking all cool with my shades and all that. I hear voices women laughing and tumbling lol. I looked towards the front yard and two young woman who I would come to know as Sharon and CJ were trying and failing miserably to set up a tent, stumblng as they go trying make pieces fit that obviously don't. Then I hear another voice and I look back towards the front of the house..and there she is. The voice is soft and quiet, almost timid despite the apparent sheer happiness in it. And it belonged to a girl with dark red long flowing hair. I mean seriously long it went down past her belt. She was on the shorter side 5'5" maybe I guess. Had deep brown eyes that would change color on the light and how you looked at them. They were beautiful eyes. She was not the thinnest person to ever walk the earth though and I, from my own experience combating both my weight and my anxiety and lack of self confidence part of why she was wary of seeing me in person. She had a tie-dye like V cut shirt on that I never saw her wear again after that day for whatever reason.
I was still nervous. I didn't even talk much to start with. I just kinda weakly said hey there and went over to the dad who by then was working on getting the tent put on his truck bed to move to his son's yard what I could do to help.
We all pitched in and I more or less listened while CJ and Sharon and occasionally Jessica went back forth on I don't even remember what.
Once we got to her brother's and started unloading stuff and carrying it down to the backyard, we started to talk, we went through introductions and I joked with Jessica that we finally got to see each other.
While Jesse, her brother (very original and they're even twins!), Sharon and CJ set up the outside, me and Jessica went in the tent and started unrolling and blowing up the mattresses.
You know how you look at attractiveness two ways? One woman can look sexy hot and another can be ****ing dripping with cuteness?
Jessica fit the latter of the two, her personality, her mannerisms, her eyes.. those eyes the way she could look at you and a smile that would even make M.Bison melt or that king guy in the Animaniacs movie.
And there were some really cool moments like any two people that have some kind of connection starting to, things like stopping on other person sentences and saying thing at the same time and stopping and having hands touch by accident and then pulling away and all that jazz. To some people, things like that might not mean anything but for me it was pretty damn amazing.
We got things set up the mattresses inflated and the table up and chairs set up. Then got working on the bonfire. As the late afternoon came into an end the night and everything else, began to fall from there.
We all decided to play Waterfalls, a drinking game where you pick a card out of a pile and place it on the poured drink in the center of the table. If you knock the pile on the drink over, you have to drink it. And during your turn you must do what the card says with Ace being Waterfalls, where everyone drinks till the card holder stops. I'm sure you can imagine where things are going to go from here.
It starts off all well and good, everyone's goofing off and I'm starting to relax, and just be me. the alcohol of course helping with that. As I'm learning the game..you have alot of opportunities to drink. Different people come and go at the bonfire and I have never having gotten close to any kind of limit, didn't realize when I was getting to the point of having too much.
While thankfully I'm an EXCEEDINGLY HAPPY drunk, exceedingly happy is exceedingly stupid. And is said some things I won't be repeating today lol, but one of the worst things that I will re-tell was a song I made that night consisting of 3 words. I lu-ovee UUUUU i love youuuu ILUVULUVULUVUUUUUUOUUUU....you get the idea. It was bad. It wasn't even catchy like Plain White T's "1234" song. In the end I tried to stand up and fell through the card table and ended up alone after getting kicked in the head by Jesse and dragged to the tent by CJ and Sharon. I laughed when I got kicked by the way. I thought it was hilarious at the time. I was so stupidly stupid sounding that it was funny, even to me. Well, mostly me after a while because CJ was Not amused, which was also almost as funny as whatevr got me laughing.
I woke up at 6am alone and freezing my *** off inside that tent. Everyone else had gone inside. I walked around and saw everyone sleeping and I wondered what time it was. I looked around for Jessica, the last thing I remember was getting in the tent, but I had no recollection of singing of any of the other rediculous things I said. I found her on the cold floor, near the bathroom, curled up in a ball. She looked pathetic laying there, made me feel bad that I was laying in the tent since the floor was wood. So I found a blanket for her and laid in the same relative area until CJ got up.
Which is when I realized why no one else was in the tent. I had puked on her sleeping bag! She had to go to work and so I apologized to her and promised I would get her another one to pay her back. I felt stupid and confused I still was not awake and "there was bottle of vodka still lodged in my head" Unsure what to so because Jessica was leaving to take CJ to work and everyone else was asleep, I felt uncomfortable with her friends without her there. I went home and went back to sleep.
I woke to my phone blaring at noon. It was Holly. She was a co-worker of mine at the time and she begged me to work her shift for her today and I said yes. I felt sick to my stomach and tired as hell, but I was still too nice at the time to refuse and it was for her kid who needed to be taken to the doctor's or something I forget now.
So I went to work after sleeping for maybe 5 hours all together and partying and drinking way too freakin much. It was a fun day at work.
A little consolation to me in it all was that Jessica was as bad off that night as me. She got sick and ended up in the bathroom most of the night which is why I found her on the floor outside the bathroom the morning after. And that she thought the song was as funny while as I thought everything else was that night.
Sharon recorded most of the night on her phone, so me and Jess both got to hear it a couple days after. We laughed about it and I reacted how you would expect..I wanted that **** gone! lol I was picked on about that for a good while after.
The days went on and me and Jess continued to text back and forth and occasionally after this we started talking on the phone from time to time. We'd meet up and go camping every time out we all had days off work as well. Phone calls didn't happen very often but there was one day where we literally talked for 8 hours straight without running out of things to say or getting bored..it was pretty amazing.
So about that time, probably beginning of June, I had known her for over a month now and talking to her everyday almost all day sometimes, I liked her. And started thinking about asking her out. Do something just the two of us.
Well about that time I've closed the store have just gotten home when I get a call. Jessica went with Britney to some friend of hers and decided that they weren't staying over night. But before they could find a gas station..they had ran out of gas.
Opportunity right? Nothing better than saving the day. So I asked them where they were and found out it was over an hour away, but I wasn't going to leave em stranded. Unfortunately, my car was in the shop because the computer had failed and cause the security system to cut the engine.
So I was left with the family's van, which had horrible gas and my dad drives so it won't have any gas in it. I grab some lawn mower gas cans and toss em in. And after almost getting stranded myself due to not having any gas in the van (just like I figured), I stumble on a gas station and fill the tanks and most of the van's tank. After a half hour of searching I finally find em and fill up their car with the the tanks I brought with me and the take em to the gas station that I have no idea how they missed getting there.
It was the first time I had seen Britney since we stopped texting on the phone, I felt mildly awkward at first but once I saw that she acted like nothing had happened at all I was more at ease. It was late night/early morning by this time so we all got breakfast pizza and we laughed as we watched Jessica pick at the sausage. It ended up almost being a fun night despite the circumstances.
I followed them to Britney's then-boyfriend's Mom's house. And helped her take her things and her baby inside. (Yes she has a kid who was also stranded with them) After we said good night to Britney she went inside and me and Jessica talked about the night for a little while. She thanked me and gave me hug and then looked at me for a moment almost expectantly. After letting go of her those feelings of loneliness reared their head again like they had never left but I had merely become numb to them. But this time the feelings came with a solution.."don't let go". I came to realize it was not the same feeling but rather a longing. I was beginning to have real feelings for this person. (Whether it be infatuation, love, liking what have you is irrelevant) I smiled and bid her good night and she did the same.
The days went on and we talked even more and were flirting back and forth now and were more open with each other than we had been before. And as we continued to spend time together those feelings became stronger. I ended up texting her asking her out one day at work. Which was dumb because it wasn't in person and even worse was in text. She well, said no lol.
Being how I was, I asked it in a way that would help not make it awkward after if she said no. And we continued to talk and hang out and she started hugging me at least once everytime we were together and time to time would look at me like she did that first night that she did. The days and weeks flew by and one of the nights me, her and two friends went camping, different things happened and that night ended up being pretty damn awesome.
But she still would not "officially" go out with me. It was odd to say the least and put me in a uncomfortable position. But I went with it and things overall were good and sometimes freaking amazing. I was overall..happy again. Happiest I had been since before everything went bad with Brandy. I got a dollar raise at work and was completely full time which is pretty good for being only a mom and pop Gas Station/Grocery Store/Armory/Auto Parts/Does Everything store. You stop by Woody's Country Store on Route 14 in Gillett, PA and you will see what I mean. My car was even working and after going through two computers and having it in the shop more than on the road, THAT was an accomplishment.
Life was mostly on the up and up. But like a roller coaster taunting my very existence, I was reaching the peak and the drop after was greater than the climb that had laid before it.
This was when Jessica started talking to me about Anthony Stone, a man who had been an integral part of her life for the past 5 years. And by integral I mean a controlling, abusive, cheating, beating son of a ***** who was at the time going to remain in jail until February. And this along with other things that will become apparent, began me down the path of my near-demise.
I'm going to post one part every day or other day. Someone was asking for some "real blogs" or something like that lol so well..here they are starting now.
If you want a "TLDR?" version you can read the paragraph before last in my last part of this series ^^;;
Thank you for reading
NOTICE: Read the Prelude first or you may not know what I'm even talking about! And I changed my mind on the name because once again it became too long so I had to split it..again. <.<; Damn longwindedness
It's about this time of year, 2010. Leaves are finally sprouting on the trees and the bitter cold of winter is taking it's leave to make way for the rain and warmth of spring and the summer to come.
Things were finally starting get back to a bit of normalcy in my life, and the coldness and pain in my heart was finally subsiding along with the cold outdoors. I had come to the point of acceptance. Shortly after this me and this girl named Jessica started to txt and talk over the phone. She kinda reminded me of well, me. She was on the more quiet and would rather text than talk. I had been introduced to her through Britney, her cousin, who was supposed to get my number for her but used it herself lol. But she came on too strong and we stopped talking after that which is about when Jess got ahold of me for the first time.
I found amusing and odd kinda that she had someone else get the number for her. And for the life of me I couldn't place her even though she told me we met before. Also it didn't bother her really that I didn't remember either.
Which like I said before, made me think of those date site motivationals, you know the ones I'm talking about, where there's super model like babe in the picture and then when you see the actual person. NOTHING ALIKE. There's nothing wrong with not being an 13 out of 10. If you're a short brunette who's more pale-like and not 87 lbs wet, Don't post a picture of an anerexic cali-blond. /end mini rant
But there was also part of me that thought that maybe she's just shy and has trouble talking to people that same as I do. Though as I had come to terms with this new job, greeting and small talk you learn to do pretty fast and you get better at being sociable at least in part.
Regardless I liked talking to her and even though she wasn't there and there wasn't anything of course between us, talking to her helped with some of the loneliness that still ate at me when I had too much time on my hands or late hours when I should be asleep.
This back and forth went on for maybe about 2 weeks. By the end of the first week I had kinda taken an interest in her. I liked talking to her. She was alot easier talk to than her cousin, and I just liked her personality as far as one can tell through mostly text. So I started trying to set up some kind of date. Just something casual like lunch or a movie or something. I had just recently bought a car, a 2001 grand am, so the novelty of driving was back in my veins too.
But every time I would bring something like that up, she would kinda avoid it or change the subject or tell me she's busy or different things. Eventually I half-jokingly something like "So do you want to meet up sometime? Or are you really going to always be the faceless texter girl? lol"
And that's when she offered me to join her and some friends of hers to a bonfire. Which even though I told her sounded awesome, old feelings of anxiety and nervousness welled up inside me. Question of "What are her friends like? Will they accept me? I've only ever drank anything stronger than beer once they're going to laugh at me?" "What is Jessica like in person? Am I going to be able to talk to her once I see her face to face?" "What's she going to think when she sees me?" All these and many other ones went through my mind as I waited for the day to arrive.
During that waiting I helped her settle things with her ex Cameron, mosty just giving support to her and being there for her as he was cheating on her, helping lead her away from going back to him. No one deserves that crap.
By the time we finally met we were already about as good as friends get just going back and forth texting. We were talking to each other throughout the whole day everyday. So I was nervous as hell, and up until the last couple years have always had weight problems and I was, am and probably no matter how far into training I go, will always be selfconscious of my gut. lmao Even though it was pretty non-existent at the time.
Well I pull up to her into driveway, looking all cool with my shades and all that. I hear voices women laughing and tumbling lol. I looked towards the front yard and two young woman who I would come to know as Sharon and CJ were trying and failing miserably to set up a tent, stumblng as they go trying make pieces fit that obviously don't. Then I hear another voice and I look back towards the front of the house..and there she is. The voice is soft and quiet, almost timid despite the apparent sheer happiness in it. And it belonged to a girl with dark red long flowing hair. I mean seriously long it went down past her belt. She was on the shorter side 5'5" maybe I guess. Had deep brown eyes that would change color on the light and how you looked at them. They were beautiful eyes. She was not the thinnest person to ever walk the earth though and I, from my own experience combating both my weight and my anxiety and lack of self confidence part of why she was wary of seeing me in person. She had a tie-dye like V cut shirt on that I never saw her wear again after that day for whatever reason.
I was still nervous. I didn't even talk much to start with. I just kinda weakly said hey there and went over to the dad who by then was working on getting the tent put on his truck bed to move to his son's yard what I could do to help.
We all pitched in and I more or less listened while CJ and Sharon and occasionally Jessica went back forth on I don't even remember what.
Once we got to her brother's and started unloading stuff and carrying it down to the backyard, we started to talk, we went through introductions and I joked with Jessica that we finally got to see each other.
While Jesse, her brother (very original and they're even twins!), Sharon and CJ set up the outside, me and Jessica went in the tent and started unrolling and blowing up the mattresses.
You know how you look at attractiveness two ways? One woman can look sexy hot and another can be ****ing dripping with cuteness?
Jessica fit the latter of the two, her personality, her mannerisms, her eyes.. those eyes the way she could look at you and a smile that would even make M.Bison melt or that king guy in the Animaniacs movie.
And there were some really cool moments like any two people that have some kind of connection starting to, things like stopping on other person sentences and saying thing at the same time and stopping and having hands touch by accident and then pulling away and all that jazz. To some people, things like that might not mean anything but for me it was pretty damn amazing.
We got things set up the mattresses inflated and the table up and chairs set up. Then got working on the bonfire. As the late afternoon came into an end the night and everything else, began to fall from there.
We all decided to play Waterfalls, a drinking game where you pick a card out of a pile and place it on the poured drink in the center of the table. If you knock the pile on the drink over, you have to drink it. And during your turn you must do what the card says with Ace being Waterfalls, where everyone drinks till the card holder stops. I'm sure you can imagine where things are going to go from here.
It starts off all well and good, everyone's goofing off and I'm starting to relax, and just be me. the alcohol of course helping with that. As I'm learning the game..you have alot of opportunities to drink. Different people come and go at the bonfire and I have never having gotten close to any kind of limit, didn't realize when I was getting to the point of having too much.
While thankfully I'm an EXCEEDINGLY HAPPY drunk, exceedingly happy is exceedingly stupid. And is said some things I won't be repeating today lol, but one of the worst things that I will re-tell was a song I made that night consisting of 3 words. I lu-ovee UUUUU i love youuuu ILUVULUVULUVUUUUUUOUUUU....you get the idea. It was bad. It wasn't even catchy like Plain White T's "1234" song. In the end I tried to stand up and fell through the card table and ended up alone after getting kicked in the head by Jesse and dragged to the tent by CJ and Sharon. I laughed when I got kicked by the way. I thought it was hilarious at the time. I was so stupidly stupid sounding that it was funny, even to me. Well, mostly me after a while because CJ was Not amused, which was also almost as funny as whatevr got me laughing.
I woke up at 6am alone and freezing my *** off inside that tent. Everyone else had gone inside. I walked around and saw everyone sleeping and I wondered what time it was. I looked around for Jessica, the last thing I remember was getting in the tent, but I had no recollection of singing of any of the other rediculous things I said. I found her on the cold floor, near the bathroom, curled up in a ball. She looked pathetic laying there, made me feel bad that I was laying in the tent since the floor was wood. So I found a blanket for her and laid in the same relative area until CJ got up.
Which is when I realized why no one else was in the tent. I had puked on her sleeping bag! She had to go to work and so I apologized to her and promised I would get her another one to pay her back. I felt stupid and confused I still was not awake and "there was bottle of vodka still lodged in my head" Unsure what to so because Jessica was leaving to take CJ to work and everyone else was asleep, I felt uncomfortable with her friends without her there. I went home and went back to sleep.
I woke to my phone blaring at noon. It was Holly. She was a co-worker of mine at the time and she begged me to work her shift for her today and I said yes. I felt sick to my stomach and tired as hell, but I was still too nice at the time to refuse and it was for her kid who needed to be taken to the doctor's or something I forget now.
So I went to work after sleeping for maybe 5 hours all together and partying and drinking way too freakin much. It was a fun day at work.
A little consolation to me in it all was that Jessica was as bad off that night as me. She got sick and ended up in the bathroom most of the night which is why I found her on the floor outside the bathroom the morning after. And that she thought the song was as funny while as I thought everything else was that night.
Sharon recorded most of the night on her phone, so me and Jess both got to hear it a couple days after. We laughed about it and I reacted how you would expect..I wanted that **** gone! lol I was picked on about that for a good while after.
The days went on and me and Jess continued to text back and forth and occasionally after this we started talking on the phone from time to time. We'd meet up and go camping every time out we all had days off work as well. Phone calls didn't happen very often but there was one day where we literally talked for 8 hours straight without running out of things to say or getting bored..it was pretty amazing.
So about that time, probably beginning of June, I had known her for over a month now and talking to her everyday almost all day sometimes, I liked her. And started thinking about asking her out. Do something just the two of us.
Well about that time I've closed the store have just gotten home when I get a call. Jessica went with Britney to some friend of hers and decided that they weren't staying over night. But before they could find a gas station..they had ran out of gas.
Opportunity right? Nothing better than saving the day. So I asked them where they were and found out it was over an hour away, but I wasn't going to leave em stranded. Unfortunately, my car was in the shop because the computer had failed and cause the security system to cut the engine.
So I was left with the family's van, which had horrible gas and my dad drives so it won't have any gas in it. I grab some lawn mower gas cans and toss em in. And after almost getting stranded myself due to not having any gas in the van (just like I figured), I stumble on a gas station and fill the tanks and most of the van's tank. After a half hour of searching I finally find em and fill up their car with the the tanks I brought with me and the take em to the gas station that I have no idea how they missed getting there.
It was the first time I had seen Britney since we stopped texting on the phone, I felt mildly awkward at first but once I saw that she acted like nothing had happened at all I was more at ease. It was late night/early morning by this time so we all got breakfast pizza and we laughed as we watched Jessica pick at the sausage. It ended up almost being a fun night despite the circumstances.
I followed them to Britney's then-boyfriend's Mom's house. And helped her take her things and her baby inside. (Yes she has a kid who was also stranded with them) After we said good night to Britney she went inside and me and Jessica talked about the night for a little while. She thanked me and gave me hug and then looked at me for a moment almost expectantly. After letting go of her those feelings of loneliness reared their head again like they had never left but I had merely become numb to them. But this time the feelings came with a solution.."don't let go". I came to realize it was not the same feeling but rather a longing. I was beginning to have real feelings for this person. (Whether it be infatuation, love, liking what have you is irrelevant) I smiled and bid her good night and she did the same.
The days went on and we talked even more and were flirting back and forth now and were more open with each other than we had been before. And as we continued to spend time together those feelings became stronger. I ended up texting her asking her out one day at work. Which was dumb because it wasn't in person and even worse was in text. She well, said no lol.
Being how I was, I asked it in a way that would help not make it awkward after if she said no. And we continued to talk and hang out and she started hugging me at least once everytime we were together and time to time would look at me like she did that first night that she did. The days and weeks flew by and one of the nights me, her and two friends went camping, different things happened and that night ended up being pretty damn awesome.
But she still would not "officially" go out with me. It was odd to say the least and put me in a uncomfortable position. But I went with it and things overall were good and sometimes freaking amazing. I was overall..happy again. Happiest I had been since before everything went bad with Brandy. I got a dollar raise at work and was completely full time which is pretty good for being only a mom and pop Gas Station/Grocery Store/Armory/Auto Parts/Does Everything store. You stop by Woody's Country Store on Route 14 in Gillett, PA and you will see what I mean. My car was even working and after going through two computers and having it in the shop more than on the road, THAT was an accomplishment.
Life was mostly on the up and up. But like a roller coaster taunting my very existence, I was reaching the peak and the drop after was greater than the climb that had laid before it.
This was when Jessica started talking to me about Anthony Stone, a man who had been an integral part of her life for the past 5 years. And by integral I mean a controlling, abusive, cheating, beating son of a ***** who was at the time going to remain in jail until February. And this along with other things that will become apparent, began me down the path of my near-demise.
I'm going to post one part every day or other day. Someone was asking for some "real blogs" or something like that lol so well..here they are starting now.
If you want a "TLDR?" version you can read the paragraph before last in my last part of this series ^^;;
Thank you for reading