Metal Gear Warui: Made in Wario

[Wario-Man]

PROLOGUE: A Fat Man's Greed
--
"SIGH..." Wario sat at the throne of his castle, picking his shnoz in boredom. He had a problem. Although Wario was successfully the richest man in the world, he still felt empty inside. Although recently he had gone villain once more in an attempt to obtain--ahem--"Life-Size" Trophies, he still wasn't feeling like the old Wario. Although he still kept in touch with Kat & Ana, his brother Waluigi, and of course Mona, Wario wasn't satisfied. Why? Why couldn't he feel happy? He WAS rich and famous...

Wait.

Famous? That was it! Wario sat up.

"I'M-a not famous...my GAMES are famous..." He removed his chubby finger from his nostril. "...Because they don't star ME! OF COURSE! But..." He slumped back into his golden chair. "...that's-a because I don't have-a the PROCESSING power to include REAL characters! I'd need a super computer or some estupid thing!" He growled and picked up today's paper. He read the main article. "Hmph! Snake gets ANOTHER mention. Why can't that-a be WARIO???" Suddenly his beady eyes fell on the last line: "hero of Shadow Moses, development site of once-terrifying mech". "Shadow Moses..." Wario repeated. "If-a the computers there are still active..." He rose up. "WAH-HAHA! EXCELLENT! WARIO'S gonna be famous as of NOW! Er...WHEN I FINISH MY LATEST GAME!" He pointed to the sky. "TO SHADOW MOSES!"

 

[The Mano Games VII]

Ok looks good so far and...WHOA HOLD UP HOLD UP what have we got here?

"Although Wario was successfully the richest man in the world, he still felt empty inside. Although recently he had gone villain once more in an attempt to obtain--ahem--"Life-Size" Trophies, he still wasn't feeling like the old Wario. Although he still kept in touch with Kat & Ana, his brother Waluigi, and of course Mona, Wario wasn't satisfied."

wow you said "although" three times in a single paragraph? Sry but that won't do at all. you could say "even though" or "despite the fact" or you could have "even having". Also, your prolouge is WAY too short. I would suggest you more clued us in on how he became rich, or where exactly he is, or just how much power does he have, what exactly about the metal gear pleased him so much, anything to lengthen this to at least five paragraphs. Now you actually do seem to have what could be a good story here, just work on pacing, description, and word variety. And feel free to pm me if you have any troubles.

edit:Oh yeah and since your writing in the third person, it would be a good idea to make a new paragraph every time theres a pause like "he replied" after he speaks, it helps to make paragraphs easier to digest and official novels do that all the time. So work on sentence structure too I guess since you want paragraphs to be easy to read. Finally, I would highly suggest paying Jam Stunna's "How to write well" topic a visit, it is extremely beneficial to the newbie.