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Last Sanity ~Children of the Oblivion Saga~

Roarfang

Smash Cadet
Joined
Sep 7, 2009
Messages
33
Ah hello! :3 Thank you for checking this out.

This is a story that I have been building slowly but surely for a few months now. I only have a touch over four chapters, due to my personallity usually causes me to have frequent writer's block, not to mention my inexperience. But I am very interested in writing, so by all means please point out any blemishes and give tips for a young and naive writer as myself. I would gladly take constructive criticism as well, for reasons previous stated.

Last Sanity is an epic that was inspired actually by Dungeons and Dragons, and has NOTHING to do with Super Smash Bros. Brawl, let alone Nintendo. It is a tale of a bunch of fate selected heroes uniting in a world plummeting in an infinite gloom of insanity and conflict. The premise of it all is so wide, that even I, the creator, have yet to assemble much at all of the story and content; and the little I did I am still trying to find their correct slots. With that said, I am very open to others ideas for characters, development, concepts, anything. In fact I insist, and would take it all into account.

Also, due to the unfinished cognition left for the story, the rating can vary at any moment, so I will post before each slab of the story what its appropriate rating is.

If you have any questions about the story, what I have, etc, ask. This is my first time doing this as well, and I can see there is a general lack of fan fictions in here like the one that I am trying to pull out now, and hope that people will start to step out and let their imagination expand and write your heart out as well. To be quite honest I would take great joy in reading the creations of fellow brawler's and take great inspiration upon your work.

Oh and when I will post advances in Last Sanity I am not sure. I am a slow writer, once I catch up with the point that I am at with my posts, it may take a quite some time, an estimate could not even be given.

Now, I will post the first half of the first chapter in my following post. Lets get on with this shall we? ^-^;
 

Roarfang

Smash Cadet
Joined
Sep 7, 2009
Messages
33
Chapter One Part One: Lucky Misfortunes

Rating: T

Chapter One Part One
Lucky Misfortunes

A small figure stood hunched over, cloaked and still, over an elegant flashing sphere, like a constant observer. The sky was black, sprinkled with massive blue stars, obviously not far in the distance. The area was somewhere located in space. What separated the hooded creature from the dark emptiness was a box, which made a room around him. The walls were made from transparent purple energy, which discharged electricity randomly and sent ripples through the structure.

Suddenly, a door materialized, white and opulent, covered in black magical symbols, and sent a wave of the room’s energy through the floor like a rock falling in water. Light flashed through the cracks of the door, and it creaked open, and then jutted out with great force releasing a wind visible by dust into the room, and slicing into the silent box with a gust of violent winds. A humanoid figure stepped out into the doorway and cut into the light pouring in, pausing, and then slowly sticking a human-like hand out with black sleeves, gripping the door’s rim to pull himself out. All the while the even more mysterious figure obsessively peering into the ball of swirling lights did not look over his shoulder to see the intrusion.

Finally, the shadow in the bright doorway threw himself out, leaping out into the middle of the area, revealing an average size man with bright thin clean-trimmed hair, with a serious look upon his face, although somehow childish, conflicting with his older facial features. His blue eyes young and bright, but bore the same coldness. He wore a cloak like the other figure, but was black not brown, and held a zipper down the center.

With a flick of his hand behind him, the noisy door closed, and sunk into the clear floor disappearing, returning the void of silence. The hunched figure moved his head to the side, still not showing his face, but was his sign of acknowledgment, “What words do you bring me Lucifer? Why do you ale me so?”
Lucifer quickly dropped to a knee and bent his
head down and spoke, “Master Gyru…” He paused, like he was deliberating on the words to say next.

“Yes?” Gyru shuffled a little in his cloak, and broke into Lucifer’s thoughts.

“Remember Lucas?” he lifted his head, “He was vanquished overnight.”

The strange being huddled over the floating ball faced it again and stood. Moments crawled by with silence, which clouded the others mind with fear. Suddenly Gyru swirled around and something shot out of top of his cloak curling around like a snake. It was his neck extended, which was a black and dark misty substance. At the end of it was a theatre mask, with a white and black side, the white side had its mouth curled into a smile, and the black side had its mouth in a frown. “You think I was ignorant?” he spoke with an assertive but playful voice and giggled.

The surprise made Lucifer jump to his feet with a jerk and gasped, “N-no. I came here wanting to discuss it… i-if you wanted?” His normal cold face snapped into a scared grimace.

The awkward neck unraveled with another startling flash of movement as he cackled with amusement. The masked head slid into its original place on top his shoulders and he turned for the first time. His dark ghost-like hand opened up in front of him and he clenched it into a fist and squeezed and then opened once more to reveal a ring with a large oval shaped ruby jutting from its golden body.

Lucifer resumed his fierce look and looked upon the priceless object now in his master’s hand, “What do you plan to do with that?”

Gyru fiddled around with the ring and tossed it about carelessly while staring off into the sea of ebony that is space. He looked down at the ring after some time and said, “I came upon his unworthy presence and gave him true life. Though true, he will rise again, but I will not be holding his hand…” He put the ring on his ethereal thumb like was going to flip it like a coin, “His soul is now the world’s.” And with that he flicked it up and over his head and it landed into the sphere and made a sparkling snap of magic that fizzled out into the atmosphere.

Lucifer stuck out his hand and took a half step forward like he was going to dive after the jewelry. “Y-you…”

“Expendable wasn’t he? A replacement is easy, like reaching up into a tree…” Gyru calmly spoke and reached up into the empty space above him, and the energy room quivered and sparked and the sphere behind them exploded a green material that painted the floor and phased through the two of them and suddenly the endless space was missing, and was replaced by a beautiful cloudless blue sky, and at their feet short bright green grass layered above now real earth. Lucifer looked around and appreciated magic at its finest and surveyed the open field with a few healthy enormous trees strewn about.

Gyru now stood upon a hill next to a tree at its peak littered with apples, with his arm still in its reach. His hand disappeared among the branches and leaves, “And retrieving an apple.” His hand dropped down again and he cupped his hands together, and inside was a shiny golden apple.

Lucifer looked upon Gyru once more and saw the apple, and was not amused. His eyes crawled across the land, and found what he was searching for. The sphere still remained intact in its same position hovering about the landscape. He walked along kicking the flowers into the air on his way and huddled over it.

Upon closer inspection, it was a small version of Earth, which Lucifer looked at with a terrible look of hatred, and he glanced back at the amused figure atop the hill as he spoke, “Who will be the new Titan Seeker then my lord?”

Gyru tossed the apple up a few times, and became bored and let it fall, rolling off the hill top and disappearing among the mass of flowers. “Hmmm…”



It was fall. And the Northern University of Magic has opened up again for students to reenter and educate themselves with Nerrik approved magic. And a dark brown haired student, given the name of Stron Immeral, is for the Northern University of Magic Entry Exam.

Stron is an eladrin, one hundred twelve years young, and is a prodigy of the magical arts, able to memorize the science and has extensive aptitude in casting spells. The test is two weeks off, and he is currently walking down a path through the streets of Nerrik, the eladrin capital of Kael-Yon, reading a book of ancient glyphs.

The highly well known Nerrik is a massive city, filled with towers and castles that poked above the shielding walls that bordered around it , patrolled by guards and protected by magical wards. Inside the streets are aligned with connected buildings with very little variety in color, usually covered in a bright white or a dark black. It is also very populated, one of the most largest and powerful strongholds in the country of Kael-Yon, entirely filled with eladrin and elves alike. Nerrik’s High Elves control the rules and laws of the people, and are under the belief allowing other races inside would cause impending chaos, or hold back the elves and eladrin in their attempt to exist peacefully.

Nerrik also is surrounded by Avian Fields, a large wide open field with a single path leading out of Nerrik, which goes on for miles and miles before reaching any sign of civilization. But if your looking for nearby civilization, you should look to the skys. Avian Fields has gotten its name from the hovering airships piloted by the winged race, the peaceful and intelligent Avians, who are men covered in feathers and bare a large beak. The Avians have been flying around in Avian fields for ages, living in the similar lifestyle of elves and eladrins, keeping among their selves and the fleet of color birds of every kind that find home in Avian Fields.

“Hey!” a voice familiar to Stron Immeral cried out, making him jump and look up for once from his book. It was Luasios, a close elf friend of his, was waving his arm around with a frenzy, well aware that Stron was very into his studies. Luasios had long spiky blonde hair, and had a green tunic with brown gloves and boots, along with his most prized possession strapped to his back, his bow and quiver, which he carries around with him always.

“Luasios?” Stron marked his page and slammed the tome shut and walked slowly to Luasios, “What’s up?”

Luasios made quick work of making Stron uncomfortable by wrapping his arm around his shoulder and walking in the direction Stron was going, “So, I see your taking it easy with taking the exam that’s a good ways off.”

“Yep,” this was not the first time he was caught buried in his books, Stron thought, eying his book as they strolled down the many roads of Nerrik.

Suddenly Luasios jerked Stron backwards, and he looked up to see what was happening and he saw a parade of armored and robed elves making a plethora of clangs and thumps as they marched with emotionless and wise faces, not a melancholy bone among the battery.

“Reinforcements…” the ranger said under his breath while releasing his arm on Stron as the magicians and warriors made their way out of the safe and protective walls of Nerrik.

“One day, I will be commanding troops like these,” Stron gripped the book in front of him and squeezed.

“Hopefully there won’t be a need for that my ambitious friend.”

“Not likely, this war won’t end unless one of us ends it entirely,” Stron said with a sigh.
“Looks like the battle at the Forest of Dreams is still going the same way as it was last week…” Luasios said with a frown, which flipped upside down, showing how it not affecting him at the present moment was good enough for him.

The walking dead men before them was a result of the destruction brought on upon by The Immortal. As much as it bothered most people to call him that, to give him the respect and satisfaction of calling him by such an anonymous and honorable name, but that was the label he gave himself, and no other info on the character has been found ever since then.

The Immortal is a being that has become the symbol of destruction and domination for eight years. He is a half-elf (at least that’s what his appearance tells) that appeared out of nowhere, and the day he revealed himself was suppose to be a day of peace and to be remembered as a great revelation, since it was when the peace treaty was being signed by the leaders in Darean with the war amongst themselves and the dwarves which has been going on for decades.

It has been said that he came upon the glorious site at the underground city of Darean, in front of the huge audience of citizens. He started preaching to them with talk of meaningless lives and wasted life. And he said, “All your lives are forfeit,” and a star that blotted out the sun in the sky down and sprinkled beams that ripped and torn the earth apart, sending the massive city asunder and with no help at all turned the land of Darean into what is now known as The Pit.

Ever since then, he somehow enslaved and enrolled thousands of soldiers under his command, following his ‘will.’ Whatever that is, if it is anything at all, is currently unknown, and there are few survivors left to tell the story of his appearance, which all of are now living a nomadic life.

“My father is in control of the Nerrik troops there, so it should be alright. He is the Elvan King’s only son,” Stron broke the silence of the two watching the exiting men finally disappear in the distance and pondering.

“Right, yes. Of course,” Luasios answered with little thought. Hearing about Stron’s royalty was not his favorite subject. Suddenly something red glistened in the sky high up that caught his attention.

“What?” Stron looked up at what made him look up and a small metal object fell on his forehead and his legs gave in and he fell over spilling his book on the ground. Luasios jumped over his fallen friend and retrieved the object and held it close to his face.
“What is it?” Stron said picking up his book and then rose to his feet rubbing his head. It was an invaluable looking ring that was gold and held a jaw-dropping ruby on its face. “That rock is huge!”

“I know!” Luasios started to overflow with giddiness, which was a slap to the head to Stron, he knew exactly what made him so excited. If there was anything Luasios cared for more than his bow it was… “This is a total chick magnet!”

“No! You can’t just give it to some girl so you can satisfy your needs!” Stron grabbed at the jewelry and Luasios’s cat like reflexes were too impressive, his arms arching back away from him holding his precious out of his reach as Stron toppled over on the ground once again.

“Heh heh” Luasios laughed with amusement, Stron has always been athletically challenged, and he himself was gifted with natural quickness and strength. But he sensed something wrong, and he noticed the wrong was gone, and with a gasp he whirled around seeking his key to women. But then he caught on quickly, also aware of the magic that made up for his lacking physical attributes. Above him was a floating hand with the new found ring and it hovered over to the now sitting Stron and dropped it in his hands that nestled on his lap.

Stron Immeral stood up, wiping off his robes free of dust and held the ring into the sky and looked at it. “I sense something. Like I am not holding just a ring. Like I am holding something else too.” Stron could almost hear something called out to him, or rather lashing out.

As they were peering into it, the ground shook below them with a huge rupture that sent the ring in Stron’s uncoordinated hands and bounced down the steps leading to an alley between two small buildings, and continued to travel down out of site.
“What was that?!” cried Luasios who staggered and the noticed the ring disappearing and chased after it, forgetting the earthquake that continued to shake with great force.

“Luasios! Where are you going!?” Stron reached out after him, but couldn’t stop him in time so he ran after him with a horrible schlep, barely staying on his feet.

It continued to roll, almost as if it was moving about at its free will. And although just moments ago it was bright and the sun was beating down on them, it was now mysteriously a depressing pitch black, and the black houses at their sides made only the now glowing ring, a small red star that gave a dim moonlight like light in the alley, and the buildings shook, chunks of their exterior breaking apart and rained down on them.

The ring took a sharp miraculous turn to the right out of the alley, with Luasios close behind, and Stron slugging behind, the vibrating ground beneath him manipulating his movements.

Outside of the alleyway held the Main Grounds, a large open area with a sprouting fountain with a statue of the Elf King Mailok in a standing position with his arms out making his body like a T and his hands slightly open, where the water bellowed down from. The ground became marble, and the houses made a ring around the foundation, with a pattern of a white house and then black house. Several small passageways led to the ring, and a path led out behind the fountain that was aligned with trees to the Grand Castle of Nerrik which was a large white spire, which had several slightly smaller black and white spires protruding from its stem that each had a slight arc, as if protecting the middle tower. It would be a beautiful sight any other time, but the ugly black that painted the sky brought an eerie twilight at the Main Grounds.

The first thing that Luasios noticed as he broke out into the Main Grounds was that it was filled with a herd of elves and eladrin, but there was no abundance of noise, no sound, not even the wind, like there was something stopping the wind itself. They all stood like fireflies close to a light, all staring with their heads with a slight upward incline. The golden flashing ring bounced and continued to travel towards the crowd. Stron busted out of the shelter of the now still buildings, and tried to see what was so interesting.

Luasios repaid his attention to the escaping ring and he pulled out an arrow of his quiver and the bow in a swift movement and fired, the arrow went through the ring and stuck to the ring stopping it from traveling, and for a brief moment after, it itched around a little like it wanted to continue moving but finally stopped struggling. The ranger pulled the arrow out and with his other hand retrieved the ring, as Stron ran to his side and looked at it once more himself and then ran onward, eager to find what is going on.

He made his way through the cloud of civilians, pushing them away, and they bounced off of him lifelessly. What could be reducing the strong willed elves of Nerrik like this? Stron trudged through the crowd to the front of the group to see the culprit. It was clearly a half-elf standing with great balance atop the head of the statue of Mailok. Pale skin, a bored expression, eyes glazed over, pupils clearly a misty grey. His hair was a distinct blue, which cascaded down his face in a messy fashion. He wore a black skin tight leather coat that had black several layered shoulder pads with spikes protruding upward. And his arms rested on his hips giving him a confident look. And then it all pieced together for him. The thing that was standing above all of them was him.


I am sorry if it is too long. If too much to read at one time, please mention so and I can cut down a little. What you see now is 3,126 words. Thank you for your time. ^w^
 

maniac200

Smash Cadet
Joined
Jul 5, 2008
Messages
74
Has the makings of a great story, although hopefully you add more protagonists and a few 3 dimentional antagonists. In some spots, I find that you are too descriptive, and that it would be better to leave out those 3 or so extra words in return for more streamlined reading. Hope to read more.
 

Roarfang

Smash Cadet
Joined
Sep 7, 2009
Messages
33
I was planning to respond with the second half of the first chapter, but due to some things in my life getting in the way which I didn't intend on it may have to wait a few days at the very least.

Has the makings of a great story, although hopefully you add more protagonists and a few 3 dimentional antagonists. In some spots, I find that you are too descriptive, and that it would be better to leave out those 3 or so extra words in return for more streamlined reading. Hope to read more.
Ah thank you, I definitely can see where you are coming from. I will read over soon and try to pinpoint the best spots to pick off some descriptions. ^-^

Oh and yes, one thing I wanted to do from the beginning was to make tons of characters for this story because I want a lot of life and death. In each chapter I am adding more and more. I think at the moment I have like 5 more like Kyp and Luasios arriving. And I have so many other characters I have planned for later releases.


ARRRRGGGHHH!

Breaks. Use them. However, I do like the idea and the story. Just make it readable.
Already, edited. :3 Thank you for the feedback and positive feedback from both of you, very appreciated.
 

Roarfang

Smash Cadet
Joined
Sep 7, 2009
Messages
33
Ok I lied sort of. I discovered I had access to the second half of chapter one, so here it is. But still, the first half of chapter two will not come for a week maybe. If I am lucky though, I might be able to sooner, not sure.

If this chapter also has too descriptive spots, I will also shed them soon once I have a better window of opportunity, I wanted to update the story at this time for my said fear of possibly not being on. But for now, enjoy. ^-^


Chapter One Part Two
Lucky Misfortunes

Luasios came shortly after next to him and stopped dead as well with a confused grimace, taking a little longer to recognize what the big deal was. What is he doing here and why isn’t anyone doing anything?

“Ah,” he put out his arms finally, imitating the position of the statue he stood upon, “My people. I apologize for coming without an invitation; however, it was rather boring in the forest. So I thought I’d come here.”

Finally the fury of the people bubbled up to the point of where it couldn’t be stalled by shock any longer, and the people began screaming with hate. A large portion of the gathering were guards, armed with long spears who took the front of the line, getting in front of and protecting us. Stron pushed them out of his way as they tried to get protect him and came practically jumped out of their line and went out close to the fountain. Immediately after the guards reaction another figure fell from the sky onto the left arm of the stone man onto The Immortal’s side with a similar leather coat, but had a leather helmet that was two spikes jutting out the left and right side and had a face guard with a slight hole for his total black eyes, and a pyramid like structure at the top.

He willingly let The Immortal grab a hold from behind around his neck, “I won’t prevent you from fighting, but I will warn you, if you are not strong enough to prevent me from killing this man first, I would not recommend you trying.”

Luasios took on a confused grimace, but Stron knew what he was talking about but did not speak it. That man in his arms is his number one lackey, who stays by his side at all times. Not because he can fight or defend, but to be used as a hostage. Normally that would not help, but that man in The Immortal’s hands is known as the Dark Abyss. He was entirely made of dark matter, born from raw magic. And his sole role as the guard was to not make The Immortal untouchable, but for you to NOT want to touch him. The Dark Abyss’s death would result in a massive black hole that would erase Kael-Yon, at the very least, in a matter of seconds.

One of the guards, clinging to his spear like it was his life, gathered the courage and shouted, “What are you doing you monster!? What purpose do you act on!?”

“What purpose?” The Immortal’s not amused face was ripped off, and he now had a huge hideous smile, like he enjoyed the attention and the question, “I fight for purpose itself.” The sick silence filled the air again, none of the elvan people not even capable of asking what he meant. “Now now my children, don’t look so sad and disappointed. I live for people like you!” He released one of his arms from his loyal servant and theatrically whirled it upwards, like he was on a stage and acting a play with much drama, “And I intend to bring this oversized town down asunder. Just like I did with Darean some amount of time ago!”

Another stream of shock flew from The Immortal to all of the viewers of the travesty that is being brought upon them all by a single person. Then Stron had enough, and he waved his waved with a whirl that sent a bolt of electricity at the arm around Dark Abyss’s neck and he simply slapped it away, the string of lightning bounced off behind him exploding on the ground making a miniature crater. Quickly Stron started up the statue alone, but a dark energy formed around The Immortal’s fingers and already cut a little at his hostage’s neck freezing his moments. “Oh, look who it is,” The Immortal’s smile disappeared quickly and his head inclined up a little with defiance, “I am sorry that I have not noticed you before. I am in the presence of the grandson of the King whose head I stand on.

“But as honored as I am, excuse my rudeness, but you are going to end up killing everyone here. You can’t stop me. I know, it’s in everybody’s nature to fight. Fight on and on. Even though it is so stupid and mindless, it is there. More so than love, more so than life. But oh do I hate pointless fighting so much! Maybe if you could stop me, but no. No. You can’t!”

“Pointless fighting?!” Stron Immeral cried. He hated the way The Immortal talked. How he had to stand much higher than everyone else. How he is here before the city of Nerrik all by himself and so confident. “What do you call what you’re doing? You’re not doing anything right, there is no underlying goodness from the people’s lives you stole!”

“Yes, yes there is my angry friend!” he said with a mocking tone, like it was obvious. But suddenly he stopped talking. What interrupted the conversation was Luasios’s yelp. All the eyes turned and saw a huge red beaming light in his palms, which lit up his face, which had mouth agape.

The light started to spiral and fling red energy that dashed across the ground, and the eladrin and elves around him stepped back in fear, the guards getting in front of them naturally. The Immortal’s face grew emotion for once again, and it wasn’t annoyance, it was a face of bewilderment, and he made no motion to stop the scene.

Luasios continued to hold in his hands, lost in the magic endlessly flowing from it. But Stron sensed something from it. It was the magic. It wasn’t good magic. In fact, it was total destructive magic. Some of the audience felt this too and cried out for the confused ranger to stop what he was doing.

Finally, the ring acted like a vacuum, sucking in energy from the atmosphere, a surge of red lightning dancing around the ring’s position, and Luasios tossed it away from him and backed away, muscle memory already putting the bow and arrow in his hands at the ready. Then the lighting stopped, along with the glowing. Everyone stood around, waiting. Hoping that was the end of that. But a huge ray of red light exploded from the ruby on the ring, and then that light retreated slightly and started to take shape, a massive odd shape, impossible to decipher. It was a large bulk, like a pile of blocks and points and the energy stopped radiating, and the red color started to recede.

You could see large massive tree trunk sized arms resting on the ground, that were black and armored with a light grey bone structure that is like armor covering his body and arms. The things legs were not visible, it was partly somehow inside the ring still. Its face was like a mask of bone and had no mouth, and had solid red eyes that glowed like the ruby.

The elves almost ran back when they gave more space to the grotesque figure before them, and Stron still remained frozen at the bottom of the statue in the water of the flowing fountain. Luasios was closest to the repulsive creature, he no longer stood, but was on the ground, and his arms shaking as they still kept hold of the bow and arrow. The Immortal’s face was unreadable, although he stood his ground. And, though the Dark Abyss had little choice, he remained motionless, and he did not seem to mind.

“I am reborn…” his voice came from every direction, and it boomed with command and assertiveness. It surveyed its surroundings and his voice now a growl, “What the hell! Where am I?”

“It won’t matter monster,” The Immortal was quick to snatch the thing’s attention, “This place will be ruins and all within will perish,” he ended with a smirk. The giant behemoth stood motionless, his body creaking like an old house, like he didn’t even hear the words from the smaller but confident half-elf in front of him.

A noise came from the thing like a low contained growl, and then spoke in his demanding voice but hushed, “It would seem that I am betrayed…” He then pulled himself out of the ring, its legs shared the same black skin and white bone fashion and had three toes, along with a tail, and he seemed to dive into the ground in the same motion, with a strange magic that allowed him to delve into the marble ground like it was a large pool of water.

“Hey,” The Immortal maintained his no-emotion trait, not raising his voice, but clearly disappointed, “Where are you going? Come back.” But it did not change the thing’s movement, and it vanished into the earth. “Well that was rather disappointing. Can you please tell me what and where that ugly thing-”

A strange volume of sound like a rush a movement, and a huge bone like arm towered above the statue. The Immortal quickly turned around and remained calm as the shadow loomed over him and over half the crowd of bystanders, Stron quickly darted away with an adrenaline rush. It made several cracking and popping noises before whooshing down and took out the structure like it was a toy and it crashed into the ground shooting a splash of dust and rock with about a twenty-foot radius. The elves and eladrin hurled their bodies from the incident, Luasios retrieving the ring before darting away quicker than most.

The dust spread ominously from the explosion and the arm slivered back into the ground, the silence once again returned. No one said a word. Stron sensed something off in the distance, and he looked over and saw two figures, one holding the other, on one of the buildings that made the ring around the Main Grounds. It was The Immortal and The Dark Abyss safe and sound, still not amused. “Now that is more like it,” The Immortal’s voice could be heard faintly.


The next chapter has a different point of view and introduces new protagonists, along with even further development with the upcoming battle in Nerrik. It is called 'Haste of the Fearful'.
 

highfive

Smash Lord
Joined
Mar 22, 2009
Messages
1,324
Location
Buhl, Idaho
It'd really be great if you changed the font color. That blue is pretty hard to read.

Also, at the beginning you described Lucifer as a cold, stern faced man. However; you later go on and tell about him cowering in fear. It doesn't really fit right you know?
 

Roarfang

Smash Cadet
Joined
Sep 7, 2009
Messages
33
It'd really be great if you changed the font color. That blue is pretty hard to read.

Also, at the beginning you described Lucifer as a cold, stern faced man. However; you later go on and tell about him cowering in fear. It doesn't really fit right you know?
Alright the font was boldified rather than colored. I was fine with either, so please say so yourself if it was an improvement or not.

Him cowering is suppose to make you wonder about Gyru and his capabilities and what he is. You are spot on, he is cold and has a strong confidence of himself. Gyru is his master obviously, and appears to be a being far different from him.

That was what I was trying to relay. Lucifer is strong. But Gyru is something much more threatening and infamous, and Lucifer is wise enough to not challenge him.

Thank you for the much desired feedback. ^-^
 

highfive

Smash Lord
Joined
Mar 22, 2009
Messages
1,324
Location
Buhl, Idaho
Alright the font was boldified rather than colored. I was fine with either, so please say so yourself if it was an improvement or not.

Him cowering is suppose to make you wonder about Gyru and his capabilities and what he is. You are spot on, he is cold and has a strong confidence of himself. Gyru is his master obviously, and appears to be a being far different from him.

That was what I was trying to relay. Lucifer is strong. But Gyru is something much more threatening and infamous, and Lucifer is wise enough to not challenge him.

Thank you for the much desired feedback. ^-^
Thanks. I guess that makes sense but to a casual reader you would think a smaller man would be the servant. Either way good story. The plot is a bit fuzzy but no other true complaints.
 

Roarfang

Smash Cadet
Joined
Sep 7, 2009
Messages
33
Thanks. I guess that makes sense but to a casual reader you would think a smaller man would be the servant. Either way good story. The plot is a bit fuzzy but no other true complaints.
Actually I have seen many movies and stories where the leader was smaller and bossed around lackies of much greater size. But you are right, but they are just going to have to like it. XD

Yes, vagueness is true. Even more so than a normal novel simply because of course, you only have one chapter yes?

Oh and yeah, false alarm about the seldom updates. I will have access.
 

highfive

Smash Lord
Joined
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Actually I have seen many movies and stories where the leader was smaller and bossed around lackies of much greater size. But you are right, but they are just going to have to like it. XD

Yes, vagueness is true. Even more so than a normal novel simply because of course, you only have one chapter yes?

Oh and yeah, false alarm about the seldom updates. I will have access.
True now that I think of it. What's that movie called? I can't remember. It has to do with a Spainard though. Diego Montoya.
 

Roarfang

Smash Cadet
Joined
Sep 7, 2009
Messages
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True now that I think of it. What's that movie called? I can't remember. It has to do with a Spainard though. Diego Montoya.
Hm? Oh sorry, I wasn't thinking about any specific movie, nor could I pull one out of my unreliable long term memory. XD I am not good with that haha.

Oh and another change of events, the tid bit in the first chapter about The Pit's origin has been edited to go with a prequel that I have had stored a while back that I am going to rework as well in unison with Last Sanity. I won't share it now, but it does have almost twice as much work as Last Sanity does, and is called The Journey of Four. Anyhoo, just thought I'd say. :3
 

highfive

Smash Lord
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Mar 22, 2009
Messages
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Location
Buhl, Idaho
Hm? Oh sorry, I wasn't thinking about any specific movie, nor could I pull one out of my unreliable long term memory. XD I am not good with that haha.

Oh and another change of events, the tid bit in the first chapter about The Pit's origin has been edited to go with a prequel that I have had stored a while back that I am going to rework as well in unison with Last Sanity. I won't share it now, but it does have almost twice as much work as Last Sanity does, and is called The Journey of Four. Anyhoo, just thought I'd say. :3
I was wondering about The Pit. It sounded like an awfully interesting things just to mention and not get more info about.
 

Roarfang

Smash Cadet
Joined
Sep 7, 2009
Messages
33
I was wondering about The Pit. It sounded like an awfully interesting things just to mention and not get more info about.
Yes, I don't have any specifics right now about what is going to take place there in this book, although I do plan on something amazing, and also do have some things that could definitely be utilized there. Information will be given throughout as well. The Journey of Four, sorry to bring it up again, also starts out the day that The Pit was created, in Darean, and also The Immortal's first appearance.
 

Roarfang

Smash Cadet
Joined
Sep 7, 2009
Messages
33
Felt like updating with the first half of the second chapter. Enjoy~

Chapter Two Part One
Haste of the Fearful

The Forest of Dreams is a massive dense gathering of trees approximately one hundred miles out from Avian Fields. It is normally heavily guarded with elves and eladrin to prevent people from venturing inside. The Forest of Dreams, however, isn’t as nearly as pleasant as it sounds.

The origin of its name stems from the cursed effects it has on those who pass through it. There is a huge blanket of magic that taints the entire wood and snatches the mind of those weary and vulnerable. The victim could be fine one moment, and the next, he is under the Dream Curse. There is even a hidden realm of vampires called The Kingdom of Nightmares deep inside.

Currently there is a battle taking place in the forest. The Immortal’s forces entered the forest thirty-seven nights ago, boasting a regiment consisting of men. Nerrik was informed immediately by scouts ordered to patrol the area. Within the hour Nerrik mobilized and sent troops.

A drow, also considered a dark elf, was leading the defense. His name was Kyp Torvin. He wore white light armor, which appeared like a thin layer of metal tightly around his skin, his helmet missing from the opulent protection. His sword matching his set of armor, drawn, sticking into the ground and held like a walking stick. He had long white hair which neatly went down to his shoulders. He stood among a camp, littered with a few tents and wandering elves on horses.

The sounds of explosions and yelling vaguely in the distance play as the background music, and every so often an abrupt vibrating sound passes, originating from mages dispelling with high level magic to nullify the forests magic temporarily.

Kyp Torvin’s melancholy thoughts were obvious with his structure and serious but troubled expression. He let slip his rapid thoughts, mumbling aloud, “What is this? For what reason is this happening?”

Not long after, a figure started materializing in front of him in a kneeling position, interrupting his thoughts. It was a drow wearing red robes, obviously not from the army under Kyp’s command. Her face wore a terrible grimace, full of panic.

“Hm?” Kyp collected his posture to retain some dignity.

The drow stood up and spoke quickly, “Commander Torvin. Nerrik. It’s being held hostage by The Immortal. The Immortal is inside our city’s walls!”

Kyp staggered, losing his composure, “What! You’re wrong! How long has this been going on!?”

“For… I’m not sure. I tried to come sooner but there was a third party present.”

“Third party?” Kyp buried his face in his hand, clearly assuming it was bad.

“One of our civilians… well…”

“Yes?”

“There… the elf known as Luasios. He somehow conjured a… I am not entirely sure what it was. It was like a some sort of magical bone demon. And it started fighting The Immortal.”

“Fighting The Immortal?” Kyp’s face rised from his hands.

The drow hesitated, “…Yes. The monster started attacking The Immortal. I don’t know what is happening now, I came here to inform you immediately.”

Kyp stared at him for a while, like his mind was temporarily a void, and then looking out at the forest. “I can’t do anything about it… I have to stay here. I am needed here…” His eyes closed, his face becoming a like a saddened statue, still. “The Immortal’s army is making its way through our defenses. If it keeps up I will have to call for a retreat to the end of the forest and reform a better defensive formation and…” He shook his head in dismay.

“Shall I head back to Nerrik?” the mage asked in haste.

“Yes please. Report back with further information,” and Kyp waved his hand dismissing him. The woman nodded and started fading away into thin air like the wind itself blew away her being.

Kyp Torvin breathed heavily out of his nose, his eyes closed, and his hand combed through his hair from his forehead and he stood, listening, taking in all the sounds, and the life and death around him. All the different people, with or without years and years of determined and mind numbing training, all the different personalities.

“LOOK OUT! UP ABOVE! IN THE SKY!” a loud random voice boomed, making the Commander’s eyes fly open and look up at the sky. At first, there was clearly nothing visible, nothing but thick clouds, slightly tainted a plethora of colors due to the magic being casted and released into the atmosphere. But Kyp kept his gaze on the clouds, and sure enough the clouds literally broke apart as yellow disfigured figures with a variation of wings swooped down and glided towards the ground.

They were called Freaks. Shapeshifting creatures, monsters that were once normal beings, altered by several possible exposures of forbidden magic or dark magic. They are quickly identifiable by there permanent yellow skin, which also has pale scars wrapped around their body and limbs. Their eyes shrunken, and purple, their pupils in the shape of a black Y with a smaller upside down Y connected to it on top. They could manipulate their shape, unable to rid of the cursed yellow skin they possess however, and obtain multiple limbs, wings, and shrink and grow in size.

Kyp Torvin was quick to act, not afraid of the looming and ever closer Freaks painting the sky and ran off the hill in a split second, his left hand coming across his waist to his sword and pulling it out of its holder, clinging the blade to his chest. His free hand rose up to his mouth and he let out a bizarre whistle, that he dragged out as he continued running.
Several horse riding elves and drows dashed past him in blurs as they rushed in a combination of towards and away from the oncoming onslaught, cries already breaking out in the distance. Out of the corner of Kyp’s eye appeared a bright white, his ride out of here. Aerowind. His horse.

The amount of times he had to minutely leave his campsite has began to seem barely finite to him, he rapidly thought as he multitasked by catching the saddle foothold with his foot and pushed off and swung his body latching onto the mobile heavy breathing beast of transportation. He obviously was not failing everyone. His challenge and playing field was difficult, but his judgment and grievance told him he could have done more with what was given to him.

“But it’s too late!” the riding drow even speaking out loud on accident from his tension. His Aerowind being guided to the oncoming horses that he could recognize easily from their armor and Insignias of Nerrik on them and the red protruding flags which resembles two sideways V’s crossing each other making a diamond in the center. They were the Nerrik City Captains in this squadron. All of them wearing identical attire and possessing the same long white hair draped down their backs.

All three of them redirected there horses elegantly and followed behind Kyp Torvin with one behind and one on each side of him. The one in the right closes in very close to Aerowind and snarls at the leading officer with a high pitched voice, his face more skinny, chiseled, and hollow compared to the others, his eyes white with tiny pupils that gave him a monster look, “Torvin! You realize what’s going on here! You let those things pass right over our sentries and—”

“Silence Jaeka!” the one trailing behind snapped causing the yelling Captain’s body twitch away in retraction as if a sign of fear. This Captain’s eyes were much darker and more gray, and his skin although the traditional dark grey, had a purple tint to it. He was also more built and filled out than all four of them. His voice was more stonier and raspy, and half hearted. “No need to waste time bickering, speak only of productive debating. Now Kyp Torvin, what do you propose to do…? Battling in this Forest appears to be useless, beyond here it’s practically a straight shot to our walls, only the feathered ones are placed in between, but they remain not to be diligent. Wise almost, they know if they were to interrupt they will only disrupt their own order at this time.”

Kyp Torvin’s silver eyes stared unflinchingly toward his chosen path which showed less thick woods. He was heading in the direction of Nerrik. “I know this Captain Mar. I know this. I am heading towards our city.”

Jaerak shrieks like a disturbed crow, “You are leaving your post?! Your duty lies here in the Forest of Dreams! You dare leave your men back here? I will have you banished from Nerrik for your blasphemy! I should be the one in charge not you!” Mar breathes out of his nose softly as he clothes his eyes in intolerance, as the third Captain still remained silent. It was a woman, and unlike the others, she was not a drow, but an Eladrin. Her skin was pale and her hair was a very opulent red and glowed with a natural grace, and partially obstructed the view of her even more so beautiful face, and shielding her left eye of her blue sparkling pair.

“There is news of an attack from inside our homeland’s walls… The Immortal himself,” Commander Torvin said quietly as if he almost hated to admit it. “Every single person there is in danger, I am going there and stopping him myself!”

Mar choked, Jaerak’s face contorted, and Sariel whipped her head over to glare at Kyp Torvin as she spoke, “You can’t be serious! How do you know this?”

“A young Nerrik mage warped to my location to inform me. And not only is The Immortal there, but apparently something is fighting him. A young elf somehow called upon a beast of hellish origins to battle him. I wasn’t told anything else, I can’t understand what is going on at the present moment. Now that my camp has been invaded, I have decided this battle can only be won with The Immortal’s defeat. He shall die today.”

“Hmph!” Jaerak’s horse sped up past them and then he roughly turned his horse into there way, causing the other three to stop suddenly as their horses neighed loudly, startled, and a few cussing from the riders. “You will not be heading back there. By the time you reach Nerrik The Immortal will already would have set the place asunder. You are a fool! You must stay and fight here in the Forest of Dreams where your duty lies, your worries are misplaced Kyp Torvin!”

“Stand down Jaerik, I am your commanding officer!” Kyp Torvin cried out in disgust as he got ready to kick Aerowind into moving around in haste before Mar stopped him.

“Commander Torvin…” he spoke softly as he touched his arm gently, his face full of empathy. “He is right about one thing. We are not close to home, and neither far. But time now matters too greatly. You would have to cross Avian fields before returning, it will be dark upon your arrival. And so will be the situation by then.” Kyp looked away, lost in thought.

Sariel and her horse trotted forward quickly, “The only way you can cross Avian Fields fast enough is not by traveling by earth, but by the wind.”
 
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