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jokes, they are here. ALSO, HIEMIE ABUSES HIS POWER! *Lightningbolts!*

Red Hawk One

Smash Apprentice
Joined
Jun 19, 2008
Messages
149
Location
We are currently not at liberty to divulge that in
All the kids loved to tease Tommy. They thought he was a little slow, and to prove it, everyday they would offer him a nickel or a dime. Tommy always took the nickel. All of the other kids would laugh, saying he only took it because it was bigger. One day, Tommy's mom pulled him aside, and asked him about the teasing. "Tommy, do you take the nickel because it's bigger?" she asked.

"No mom, I take the nickel because, If I took the dime, they'd stop doing it."
 
D

Deleted member

Guest
Three men find a genie. The genie teleports the three to a cliff. The genie tells them they each have a wish, but they have to off the the cliff.

The first man jumps off and shouts, "I wish I was a fish." He turns into a fish and lands in a river.
The second man jumps off and shouts, "I wish I was a bird." He turns into a bird and flies away.
The third man begins to jump off and shouts, "i wish I was--". Then he trips, cursing, "--Aw, crap."

***

Three men find a genie. The genie teleports them to the top of a skyscraper. The genie tells them to jump off the skyscraper and wish for a pile of something.

The first man jumps off and shouts, "I wish I landed in a pile of money!" He lands in a pile of money.

The second man jumps off and shouts, "I wish I landed in a pile of naked women!" He lands in a pile of naked women.

The third man begins to jump off and shouts, "I wish I landed in a pile of--", when he trips, cursing, "CRAP!"

***

The girls are at a beach--A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. They are trying to swim to an island a mile away.

The brunette swims a quarter of the way there and drowns.
The redhead swims halfway there and drowns.
The blonde nearly makes it to the island, but just before she reaches the shore, she says, "I'm tired. I'm gonna go back."
 

Sporkman

Smash Ace
Joined
Apr 7, 2006
Messages
702
Location
Ping Island
what happened to the blind circumcisor?

he got the sack:bee:

-----

Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?

The ultra-sound guy!

-----

What time does Andy Murray go to bed?

Tennish

-----

What's the best thing about shagging twenty five year olds?

There's 20 of them.

-----

What do you call a man with a 1 inch nob??

Justin.

-----

What is E.T. short for ?

Hes only got little legs

-----

What's black and loves eating *****?

cervical cancer :urg:

------

This guy is waking down the street and he passes a guy going the other way who has an orange for a head, he thinks to himself that if he doesn’t ask why this guy has an orange for a head it will annoy him for ever, so he chases after this guy and says " ’scuse me for asking, but why have you got an orange for a head?"

"Well the gentleman replies, its a really funny story actually. One day i was walking through town minding my own business and this Genie pops up out of nowhere, and says i can have three wishes. So i thought about it for a while, and for my first wish i asked for £100 million, the genie then clicked his fingers and told me to go and check my bank account and then disappeared. So i went and checked it and low and behold there it was just over £100 million in my account, then the genie pops up again and says ’what is your 2nd wish?’ Not being a very big hit with the ladies I decided to ask for 10 women on call at any hour of the day to fulfil his every sexual need. "Done" says the genie and disappears into thin air, when i got home i was greeted by 10 beautiful women who immidiately ripped my clothes off and begin to pleasure me in ways i never imagined. Later on that day the genie pops once again and says "right, only one more wish left, what will it be?" realising this is my last wish, i thought long and hard and after 20 minutes of silence i said

"Can i have an orange for a head?"
 

Red Hawk One

Smash Apprentice
Joined
Jun 19, 2008
Messages
149
Location
We are currently not at liberty to divulge that in
A little girl walks up to her parents and asks, " Mother, how'd I get my name?"
"Well dear," she replies, "when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head, so e decided to name you Rose." Satisfied, she leaves.
Her younger sister then walks up to them, and says, "Daddy, I want to know how I got my name too!"
"Well," he starts, "When you were born, a lily petal fell on your head, so we dcided to name you Lily." also satisfied, she leaves as well.
Finally, the girl's youngest sister, who is a bit slow, asks "Dadda, Huw'd I get muh name?"

"Why do you ask, Cinderblock?"
 

diabetic_yoshi

Smash Apprentice
Joined
Mar 15, 2008
Messages
147
Location
Reno
Okay my theater professor told me this one last semester....



Two nuns are driving a minivan through Transylvania. All of a sudden a vampire lands on the windshield. They both start freaking out.

Nun #1 screams, "What do I do? What do I do?" Nun #2 says, "Turn on the wipers and fling him off". Nun #1 does this and only accomplishes making the vampire angrier.

Nun #1 screams, "What do I do? What do I do?" Nun #2 says, "I filled the windshield cleaners with holy water. Spray him with it." This just burns the vampire and makes him even angrier.

Nun #1 screams, "What do I do? What do I do?" Nun #2 says, "Show it your cross".

Nun #1 sticks her head out of the van then screams, "DUDE, GET THE **** OFF OUR VAN!"
 

omfgomfg

Smash Lord
Joined
Feb 13, 2007
Messages
1,070
Location
Your eyes happened to drift to my location, I see.
One day, Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are out on a camping trip. They trudge all day, covering many miles, and finally decide, just as dusk is falling, that it’s time to set up camp for the night.

They put up their tent, start a fire, cook a simple meal, eat, and both being exhausted from the day’s exertions, decide to go to sleep.

At about three in the morning Holmes shakes Watson awake and says, “Watson, look up at the stars in the sky and tell me what you deduce from them.”

Watson is sleepy, but he has learned that there is always a point to even the most random of Holmes’s questions, so he does as he’s told, and gazes up at the stars.

“Well, Holmes,” he says after a moment, “Physically, I can see that the moon is full tonight. Astrologically, I can see that this is the month of Pisces because of the arrangement of the constellations. Scientifically, I can see that although there are countless grains of sand on our planet, there are, in fact, more stars in our universe. Philosophically, I can see that the clear night sky is in fact a reminder for us to live humbly. That’s what I deduce from looking up at the stars, Holmes.”

And Holmes says, “No, Watson, you fool! Someone has stolen the tent!.”
 

SacredThunder

Smash Cadet
Joined
Jul 2, 2008
Messages
51
Location
RI
this is one my portuguese teacher told the class:

a man was born in portugal but his family moved to the states when he was still a baby. one day, when the man was grown up, he decides to go for a walk on the beach. while he was walking he finds a genie's lamp in the sand. he rubs it and a genie appears. the genie grants him one wish. the guy says "well I have never really seen my home country except for when I was a baby but I don't remember any of it. Could you build a bridge going from the USA to Portugal?"
the genie replies "That would be out of my reach. Do you know what kind of maintenance a bridge of that size would need? It would be almost impossible to upkeep. I'm sorry but you will need to choose another wish."
the man says "Ok well I have had trouble keeping a steady relationship and people tell me it is because I don't understand women. Could you make me able to understand women?"
the genie replies "How many lanes did you want on that bridge?"
 

KirbyForAll

Smash Apprentice
Joined
Aug 22, 2007
Messages
161
The story was good. They should make it into an actual novel. They could have made it really interesting
 
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