Snot Man
Smash Cadet
Oh no! Run for your lives! It’s Japan Time Time again!
That’s right, everyone. It’s Japan Time Time’s third week here, and boy, is it ever action-packed! This week sees a lot of menus, the dramatic reappearance of Pokémon thought long-lost, and King DeDeDe deploying the most ludicrous weapon known to man. This week’s ratings will be done a little different from usual, and by that I mean… … oh, I’ll keep this a secret for now. Don’t touch that dial, for Japan Time Time begins right after this image and the link underneath it!
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/poopheadrz4.png" alt="If you complain about this image then you are probably a poophead too." />
<strong>We here at Japan Time Time take pride in our maturity and integrity.</strong>
<strong>WEEK #29: December 3rd to 7th, 2007</strong>
<strong>MONDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/wi-fi/wi-fi03.html"><strong>Friend list</strong></a>
<em>BRAWL FOR ALL</em>
Dum dee dum, it turns out I haven’t read the Dojo posts at all since last week, so I’ll have to catch up and read them as I go along here. This must be a GREAT update, too, since it was the day the game was supposed to get its release, too. Maybe they confirmed Black Mage or Samson the flying bodybuilder as playable? That would be cool. Now, let’s see what we’ve go– PFFFFFFT. (This is the sound of me spitting coffee I was drinking, by the way.)
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/wi-fi03_071203c-l.jpg" alt="Masahiro Sakurai personally hates everything that you stand for!" />
<strong>(Cue horror movie music.)</strong>
Now, let me just get one thing straight. I use items. I like them! I don’t care if my skill is getting tested less accurately because of the random factor they throw in. I always saw Smash as a crazy chaotic game where anything can happen and the fun part is dealing with it. BUT! Maybe items don’t fit your idea of fun or something, and that’s fine. I’m not going to tell you how to have fun and how not to have fun. (Unless you have fun robbing banks, I guess.) And if you like items too, that’s great! Maybe we can be buddies. But maybe not, because you smell a little.
Either way, this gave me an idea. Instead of rating entries on “awesomeness”, “quality” and “how good of a mood I was the morning I saw it first” like I usually do, this week we’ll be rating them on manliness. This Manliness-O-Meter below will use its fine-tuned sensors to evaluate the virility, bravery, strength, cunning and survival instinct of each update, and rate them accordingly.
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/manlinessometeremptyvt3.png" alt="This... is Sparta, I guess. Eh." />
As you can see here, the meter is completely empty, and is measured in how many Spartans out of 300 the entry would contain if it was an epic action movie. As you see, the meter is now completely empty, for it was used to measure an hypothetical entry in which Sakurai teaches us how to walk and run a second time with a previously-unveiled playable Care Bear. A rating of 300, however, may or may not be impossible to achieve, but we’ve been able to get a rating of 297 during testing. (It was an entry I wrote about Sanger Zonvolt drinking Powerthirst while fighting a planet-sized cyborg T-Rex/Bear hybrid that shoots brick wall-breaking raw steak whenever it roars, in case you were wondering.)
Now that this explanation is out of the way, we can rate today’s entry. Now, let’s see. Here, Nate is taunting people about real men using items, which is not an unmanly move in itself, but… why is he spending so long in the menus? I see he is confident in his masculinity enough to use Peach, but is he afraid of backing up his empty words? We only see a single picture of him in an actual battle situation, and he doesn’t seem to be fighting particularly hard. Furthermore, he isn’t even using items at all! Somewhat manly, but hypocritical and a bit cowardly. Let’s see what the Manliness-O-Meter has to say about this.
<strong>TODAY’S MANLINESS RATING:</strong> 92 Hulk Hogans out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/manlinessometerhoganri7.png" alt="What'cha gonna do, brother, when Hulkamania runs wild on you?" />
<strong>TUESDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/items/mball/mball07.html"><strong>Returning Pokémon</strong></a>
<em>Mew dropped a CD. Accept it with gratitude!</em>
Well, okay. That wasn’t a very exciting update, since almost all it consisted of was screenshots of Pokémon I was pretty sure would be back in the game anyway. But… what about Raikou? What if they included two of the legendary dogs but not Raikou! That would really be terrible! Oh, I hope Raikou is in the game! They’d better make an update just about him just to be sure….
Aside from them, there’s Snorlax, who seems to grow a little bigger every game. Of course, the transition from SSB to Melee was a particularly fattening one, since it went from a cardboard cutout of a flying Snorlax to a real one. Oh, and there’s Togepi. I don’t have anything to say about it, but I like Togepi. The only thing I didn’t like about Togepi was how it make Misty fanshippers angry because it took her attention away from Ash, Brock or Psyduck, depending on who you ask.
And wow! Celebi and Mew do something now! Which I guess is a good thing, because I don’t know anyone who could ever say they pay attention to score at all without falling down laughing. So now, I’ll be sure to play matches with Pokéballs on Very High as much as I can, because I MUST get those music CDs. Gotta catch ‘em all!
Now, manliness. You may be surprised by this score, but Pokémon are very manly. You have fierce ones, and you also have those cute ones that require their trainer to be either girls or very confident in their virility. Thus, all Pokémon are manly, except maybe Jynx! …And I’m not saying that because I’m a Togepi fan, either.
<strong>TODAY’S MANLINESS RATING:</strong> 257 Master Asias out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/manlinessometerasiapq6.png" alt="Look! The sky of the East is burning red!" />
<strong>WEDNESDAY</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/howto/technique/technique09.html"><strong>The Battle for the Smash Ball</strong></a>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/music/music16.html"><strong>X: Tunnel Scene</strong></a>
<em>The game-changing Final Smash. Using it is fun. Running from it is fun, too.</em>
Dang it, Sakurai, I said I wouldn’t tell people how to have fun! Are you betraying me?
Now THAT’S a pretty manly update. Not much new material, but a bit of interesting information, and everyone is constantly beating the crap out of each other and tossing out Final Smashes like they’re candy. Glorious chaos! There’s even confirmation that you can turn Smash Balls off for people who care about that! What’s next, will they finally tell us if there’s a way to play as Zero Suit Samus without it? Now THAT would be totally crazy!
Next up… a song from X! Now, wait, where did I see that name before…?
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/mega_man_x_snes_screenshot4.jpg" alt="!!!" />
<strong>Wait, no, this is Mega Man X, which is a different and unrelated game. Never mind.</strong>
Oh, right, it’s Japan-only. Well, then. Only one thing to do! Luckily I managed to get a used copy of the game delivered to my house, and it’s arrived just a few minutes ago. I haven’t had the chance to play it yet, but hopefully I can breeze through it and get to the “tunnel scene” quickly, whatever that is.
<p align="center"><strong><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/castlevaniax1dj5.png" alt="Yes, this is a SNES game. Shhhh..." />
Skipped the title screen again because I’m on a deadline here. Huh. Those are some pretty great graphics for a Game Boy game. I know I’m playing this on a Game Boy Color, but still. Oh hey, I see a tunnel up ahead. I guess this shouldn’t be too long, then.</strong>
<p align="center"><strong><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/castlevaniax2nc2.png" alt="Yes, this is really Castlevania: Dracula X. I KNOW." />
I just started playing and already the place is on fire? HARDCORE. This game is pretty manly after all! Something about it seems awfully familiar, though. Probably my imagination.</strong>
<p align="center"><strong><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/castlevaniax3xw2.png" alt="Yes, I know I did that exact same joke two weeks ago. SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!" />
WOW. You can jump while climbing stairs! I don’t know why I’m making a big deal out of this, because that should be common sense already, but something about that strikes me as a great relief.</strong>
But you know what? This is a pretty cool game and all, but I still haven’t finished writing this. I’m not one of those hack writers who’d put off their humor column thanks to a video game or <a href="http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/LampshadeHanging">reuse the exact same jokes they did no more than two weeks ago</a>! Either way, let’s see what the Manliness-O-Meter has to say about today’s excessive violence and game about whipping skeletons in a town that’s on fire!
<strong>TODAY’S MANLINESS RATING:</strong> 268 Chuck Norrises out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/manlinessometerchuckqw2.png" alt="When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks the closet for me." />
<strong>THURSDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/kingdedede.html#3rd"><strong>King DeDeDe: Final Smash</strong></a>
<em>Angetreten! Rumpeldipumpel… Zack! Zack!</em> <strong>-From the <a href="http://www.smashbros.com/de/characters/kingdedede.html#3rd">German version of the entry</a></strong>
Hmph. Well, I can’t deny that this is pretty cool, but I was expecting something a little more spectacular. I mean… Hmmm…
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kingdedede_071025b.jpg" alt="I can't believe I'm writing alt text for every single one of these images." />
<strong> I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT!</strong>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/donkeykong_070712b.jpg" alt="I also hope this won't be a big drain on bandwidth or whatever, either." />
<strong> To those of you with courage, the time has come to carry out our ultimate mission!</strong>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/donkeykong_070712d.jpg" alt="Thankfully, this is at least shorter than the original version I wrote." />
<strong> ALL PERSONNEL! ENGAGE FORMATION D!</strong>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kingdedede_071025a.jpg" alt="The original version had about every single line uttered by a good guy in that scene!" />
<strong> ROGER!</strong>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/donkeykong_070730a.jpg" alt="So in case you're wondering, DK is Chief Taiga, Peach is Swan, DeDeDe is Guy/Genesic GaoGaiGar, Dr. Wright is Liger and Zelda, not pictured here, is Mikoto." />
<strong> Ms. Peach! The bongos President Ronnie gave us!</strong>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/peach_071019b.jpg" alt="Yes, DK and Peach were bad enough dudes." />
<strong> Yes sir!</strong>
<strong> For victory and mankind, by the oath sworn through courage!</strong>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/donkeykong_070730d.jpg" alt="They're supposed to say it together but YOU find a right-sized screenshot of Peach and DK looking triumphant in the same frame." />
<strong> WOODEN CRUSHER!</strong>
<strong> OPERATION… APPROVED!</strong>
<strong> THIS IS THE KEY TO VICTORY!</strong>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/stage04_070622a.jpg" alt="I used to their the Pleiades wasn't that cool, but now..." />
<strong> High-speed aircraft Pleiades, expand!</strong>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/stage12_070912a.jpg" alt="There are like four spaceships involved here but screw this" />
<strong> Battleship Halberd, expand!</strong>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kingdedede_071206a.jpg" alt="It's hard to show a scene in which DeDeDe is supposed to be righteously furious but he's almost always smiling from ear to ear." />
<strong> LET’S DO IT!</strong>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kingdedede_071026g.jpg" alt="The hammer is actually the size of a small space station." />
<strong> CRUSHER CONNECT!</strong>
<strong> WOODEN! CRUUUUUUUUSHEEEEEEEEER!</strong>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kingdedede_071025c-l.jpg" alt="This is another joke I actually did before but remixed here. I'm not very original this week, am I? Please forgive me." />
<strong> GET OFF OF MY STAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!</strong>
(Apologies to those of you who have no idea what that was just all about. Here, have a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IX0fIKP40mg">free link</a> if you don’t mind having the end of the GaoGaiGar Final OVA, sequel to the GaoGaiGar TV series, spoiled.)
…Oh, sorry, I was daydreaming. Okay, now. Here, King DeDeDe is relying on another minion rush, like Pit, only it seems a little bit more useful but also a bit less spectacular. I’m looking forward to using that one! Relying on other people to do your work, though? That’s not really manly. Hopefully the Manliness-O-Meter readings won’t be affected by the residual courage left over from that daydream I just had…
<strong>TODAY’S MANLINESS RATING:</strong> 120 Kaminas out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/manlinessometerkaminayo7.png" alt="Yours is a drill that will pierce the heavens!" />
<strong>FRIDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/wi-fi/wi-fi04.html"><strong>With Anyone/Basic Brawl</strong></a>
<em>And as the case has always been, I’ve made it so you can play the characters you unlock in battles.</em>
I don’t know what to think of this update. I really don’t. And what that happens, what do I do? A bullet point list! Yes!
<ul>
<li>The character selection screen isn’t a secret anymore! WOOHOO! Although I’m pretty sure that was the one they used in the demo. I guess they won’t be using that initial roster for the actual game, seeing how Wario and Pokémon Trainer aren’t there while I’m pretty sure they are ON THE BOX. (That one got confirmed as official, right?)</li>
<li>Plus, it’s too tiny to fit everyone, too. Although it may play some tricks on us. Mysterious.</li>
<li>Finally, a use for coins! For… lottery? Huh, okay. I guess I can do that if I have coins to burn and REALLY DON’T WANT to play in the Jungle Falls stage.</li>
<li>Wonder if you can choose to turn all items on or off by lottery. If not, I hope this won’t RUIN THE GAME FOREVER for anyone.</li>
<li>Still some “information reruns”, whee! I like being reminded that I can beat up on Sandbag while loading and that I can’t send messages while playing “with anyone”, really. Honest.</li>
<li>They really make a huge deal out of making sure that people don’t have the slightest reason to act like immature twits online, because they’re in complete anonymity and the such. I bet you one dollar that they’ll still find a way to troll online play sooner or later, somehow! The fact that they’re anonymous might even <em>help</em>, come to think of it.</li>
<li>People who drop out are replaced by CPUs! That’s… kind of neat, I guess, but weird. I must be paranoid, but I’m wondering what could happen if my Wii develops artificial intelligence and decides that, in order to take the next logical step in its programming, it must <em>take over my identity while I sleep</em>. I’d wake up to find all of my ID cards stolen, my favorite websites’ passwords all changed and none of my relatives recognizing me. And then, I find my Wii, wearing a trenchcoat, imitating my mannerisms perfectly and ready to swear that it’s actually me. I don’t want that to happen, man!</li>
<li>Come to think of it, people will probably be able to tell that it’s actually a CPU easily because it doesn’t pay attention when you charge an attack right in its face, and is able to pull off crazy split-second manoevers with great ease at higher difficulty levels. Nevermind, then.</li>
<li>Wow, the green Meta Knight sure is ugly.</li>
<li>This whole thing about not being too hung up on secret characters worries me a bit. Hopefully this ONLY means they just won’t bother to hide them away if you go online. I’d be pretty disappointed if they started revealing them casually, to the point where we know the full roster by the time the game hits the shelves. I sort of doubt what we’ve seen so far will only constitute the initial lineup, because dang, that’s a lotta characters. Hopefully we’ll still have some surprises left to discover ourselves once the game actually gets here…</li>
<li>What’s that about being able to play the characters we unlock in battles? That’s a weird sentence. Do they mean that the unlockable characters will become, <em>gasp</em>, playable, or what?</li>
</ul>
So many mysteries. Oh well. Let’s see if the Manliness-O-Meter can get a reading out of it. I gotta say, I’m really not sure if that counts as a manly update or not…
<strong>TODAY’S MANLINESS RATING:</strong> ??? Mr. Ts out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/manlinessometermrtlf3.png" alt="I'm Mr. T, and this is my Night Elf Mohawk!" />
Huh.
<h1>GAME!</h1>
<strong>1ST PLACE BEEFIEST:</strong> The exciting Battle for the Smash Ball teaches us the value of strategical thinking while inflicting major hurt on your opponent. Plus, it has a song from a game no one has heard of with the X-tremely edgy title of “X”. For this, Wednesday’s update earns the title of this week’s beefiest.
<strong>LAST PLACE CHUMP:</strong> Nate’s obvious hypocrisy more than anything else spells his doom, as Monday’s update is declared this week’s CHUMP. Sorry, Nate! Maybe next week you can set yourself a message about lifting weights and driving cars.
<strong>?????:</strong> friday i don’t know what was up with friday it’s like a lovecraft thing the entry is staring into my mind and slowly everything i’ve come to take for granted unravels itself into a twisted tapestry of horror, reaching into my very soul to violently tickle my fancy and climb the bridge to find eternal freedom but reach only the perplexed guard dogs of fate and stoic canned laughter i don’t know man i don’t know
A slightly more than averagely manly week we’ve got here. It probably would’ve been able to get a higher rating by including more cool vehicles and women in revealing clothing, possibly leaning against said vehicles suggestively. Alternatively, Captain Falcon.
<strong>THIS WEEK’S MANLINESS RATING:</strong> 177 Spartans out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/manlinessometerspartanys9.png" alt="This! is! almost Sparta!" />
And that’s it for this week, folks! I’ll now go back to playing that “X” game about vampire killing or whatever, but before that I have to go throw the Manliness-O-Meter off a cliff so as to force me to find a new gimmick next time I get tired of the Smash Icon ratings system. Have a nice week and good luck with the final stretch of school before the break for those this applies to! If not, disregard that, and I want you to have a CRAPPY week.
Tune in next week as I accidentally review Pokémon: The First Movie, Dr. Mario is shown to be the final boss, and that big blue/red monster head from Yoshi’s Island with the huge mouth that came out of water/lava to chase you around gets confirmed as playable!
That’s right, everyone. It’s Japan Time Time’s third week here, and boy, is it ever action-packed! This week sees a lot of menus, the dramatic reappearance of Pokémon thought long-lost, and King DeDeDe deploying the most ludicrous weapon known to man. This week’s ratings will be done a little different from usual, and by that I mean… … oh, I’ll keep this a secret for now. Don’t touch that dial, for Japan Time Time begins right after this image and the link underneath it!
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/poopheadrz4.png" alt="If you complain about this image then you are probably a poophead too." />
<strong>We here at Japan Time Time take pride in our maturity and integrity.</strong>
<strong>WEEK #29: December 3rd to 7th, 2007</strong>
<strong>MONDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/wi-fi/wi-fi03.html"><strong>Friend list</strong></a>
<em>BRAWL FOR ALL</em>
Dum dee dum, it turns out I haven’t read the Dojo posts at all since last week, so I’ll have to catch up and read them as I go along here. This must be a GREAT update, too, since it was the day the game was supposed to get its release, too. Maybe they confirmed Black Mage or Samson the flying bodybuilder as playable? That would be cool. Now, let’s see what we’ve go– PFFFFFFT. (This is the sound of me spitting coffee I was drinking, by the way.)
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/wi-fi03_071203c-l.jpg" alt="Masahiro Sakurai personally hates everything that you stand for!" />
<strong>(Cue horror movie music.)</strong>
Now, let me just get one thing straight. I use items. I like them! I don’t care if my skill is getting tested less accurately because of the random factor they throw in. I always saw Smash as a crazy chaotic game where anything can happen and the fun part is dealing with it. BUT! Maybe items don’t fit your idea of fun or something, and that’s fine. I’m not going to tell you how to have fun and how not to have fun. (Unless you have fun robbing banks, I guess.) And if you like items too, that’s great! Maybe we can be buddies. But maybe not, because you smell a little.
Either way, this gave me an idea. Instead of rating entries on “awesomeness”, “quality” and “how good of a mood I was the morning I saw it first” like I usually do, this week we’ll be rating them on manliness. This Manliness-O-Meter below will use its fine-tuned sensors to evaluate the virility, bravery, strength, cunning and survival instinct of each update, and rate them accordingly.
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/manlinessometeremptyvt3.png" alt="This... is Sparta, I guess. Eh." />
As you can see here, the meter is completely empty, and is measured in how many Spartans out of 300 the entry would contain if it was an epic action movie. As you see, the meter is now completely empty, for it was used to measure an hypothetical entry in which Sakurai teaches us how to walk and run a second time with a previously-unveiled playable Care Bear. A rating of 300, however, may or may not be impossible to achieve, but we’ve been able to get a rating of 297 during testing. (It was an entry I wrote about Sanger Zonvolt drinking Powerthirst while fighting a planet-sized cyborg T-Rex/Bear hybrid that shoots brick wall-breaking raw steak whenever it roars, in case you were wondering.)
Now that this explanation is out of the way, we can rate today’s entry. Now, let’s see. Here, Nate is taunting people about real men using items, which is not an unmanly move in itself, but… why is he spending so long in the menus? I see he is confident in his masculinity enough to use Peach, but is he afraid of backing up his empty words? We only see a single picture of him in an actual battle situation, and he doesn’t seem to be fighting particularly hard. Furthermore, he isn’t even using items at all! Somewhat manly, but hypocritical and a bit cowardly. Let’s see what the Manliness-O-Meter has to say about this.
<strong>TODAY’S MANLINESS RATING:</strong> 92 Hulk Hogans out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/manlinessometerhoganri7.png" alt="What'cha gonna do, brother, when Hulkamania runs wild on you?" />
<strong>TUESDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/items/mball/mball07.html"><strong>Returning Pokémon</strong></a>
<em>Mew dropped a CD. Accept it with gratitude!</em>
Well, okay. That wasn’t a very exciting update, since almost all it consisted of was screenshots of Pokémon I was pretty sure would be back in the game anyway. But… what about Raikou? What if they included two of the legendary dogs but not Raikou! That would really be terrible! Oh, I hope Raikou is in the game! They’d better make an update just about him just to be sure….
Aside from them, there’s Snorlax, who seems to grow a little bigger every game. Of course, the transition from SSB to Melee was a particularly fattening one, since it went from a cardboard cutout of a flying Snorlax to a real one. Oh, and there’s Togepi. I don’t have anything to say about it, but I like Togepi. The only thing I didn’t like about Togepi was how it make Misty fanshippers angry because it took her attention away from Ash, Brock or Psyduck, depending on who you ask.
And wow! Celebi and Mew do something now! Which I guess is a good thing, because I don’t know anyone who could ever say they pay attention to score at all without falling down laughing. So now, I’ll be sure to play matches with Pokéballs on Very High as much as I can, because I MUST get those music CDs. Gotta catch ‘em all!
Now, manliness. You may be surprised by this score, but Pokémon are very manly. You have fierce ones, and you also have those cute ones that require their trainer to be either girls or very confident in their virility. Thus, all Pokémon are manly, except maybe Jynx! …And I’m not saying that because I’m a Togepi fan, either.
<strong>TODAY’S MANLINESS RATING:</strong> 257 Master Asias out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/manlinessometerasiapq6.png" alt="Look! The sky of the East is burning red!" />
<strong>WEDNESDAY</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/howto/technique/technique09.html"><strong>The Battle for the Smash Ball</strong></a>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/music/music16.html"><strong>X: Tunnel Scene</strong></a>
<em>The game-changing Final Smash. Using it is fun. Running from it is fun, too.</em>
Dang it, Sakurai, I said I wouldn’t tell people how to have fun! Are you betraying me?
Now THAT’S a pretty manly update. Not much new material, but a bit of interesting information, and everyone is constantly beating the crap out of each other and tossing out Final Smashes like they’re candy. Glorious chaos! There’s even confirmation that you can turn Smash Balls off for people who care about that! What’s next, will they finally tell us if there’s a way to play as Zero Suit Samus without it? Now THAT would be totally crazy!
Next up… a song from X! Now, wait, where did I see that name before…?
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/mega_man_x_snes_screenshot4.jpg" alt="!!!" />
<strong>Wait, no, this is Mega Man X, which is a different and unrelated game. Never mind.</strong>
Oh, right, it’s Japan-only. Well, then. Only one thing to do! Luckily I managed to get a used copy of the game delivered to my house, and it’s arrived just a few minutes ago. I haven’t had the chance to play it yet, but hopefully I can breeze through it and get to the “tunnel scene” quickly, whatever that is.
<p align="center"><strong><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/castlevaniax1dj5.png" alt="Yes, this is a SNES game. Shhhh..." />
Skipped the title screen again because I’m on a deadline here. Huh. Those are some pretty great graphics for a Game Boy game. I know I’m playing this on a Game Boy Color, but still. Oh hey, I see a tunnel up ahead. I guess this shouldn’t be too long, then.</strong>
<p align="center"><strong><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/castlevaniax2nc2.png" alt="Yes, this is really Castlevania: Dracula X. I KNOW." />
I just started playing and already the place is on fire? HARDCORE. This game is pretty manly after all! Something about it seems awfully familiar, though. Probably my imagination.</strong>
<p align="center"><strong><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/castlevaniax3xw2.png" alt="Yes, I know I did that exact same joke two weeks ago. SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!" />
WOW. You can jump while climbing stairs! I don’t know why I’m making a big deal out of this, because that should be common sense already, but something about that strikes me as a great relief.</strong>
But you know what? This is a pretty cool game and all, but I still haven’t finished writing this. I’m not one of those hack writers who’d put off their humor column thanks to a video game or <a href="http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/LampshadeHanging">reuse the exact same jokes they did no more than two weeks ago</a>! Either way, let’s see what the Manliness-O-Meter has to say about today’s excessive violence and game about whipping skeletons in a town that’s on fire!
<strong>TODAY’S MANLINESS RATING:</strong> 268 Chuck Norrises out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/manlinessometerchuckqw2.png" alt="When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks the closet for me." />
<strong>THURSDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/kingdedede.html#3rd"><strong>King DeDeDe: Final Smash</strong></a>
<em>Angetreten! Rumpeldipumpel… Zack! Zack!</em> <strong>-From the <a href="http://www.smashbros.com/de/characters/kingdedede.html#3rd">German version of the entry</a></strong>
Hmph. Well, I can’t deny that this is pretty cool, but I was expecting something a little more spectacular. I mean… Hmmm…
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kingdedede_071025b.jpg" alt="I can't believe I'm writing alt text for every single one of these images." />
<strong> I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT!</strong>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/donkeykong_070712b.jpg" alt="I also hope this won't be a big drain on bandwidth or whatever, either." />
<strong> To those of you with courage, the time has come to carry out our ultimate mission!</strong>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/donkeykong_070712d.jpg" alt="Thankfully, this is at least shorter than the original version I wrote." />
<strong> ALL PERSONNEL! ENGAGE FORMATION D!</strong>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kingdedede_071025a.jpg" alt="The original version had about every single line uttered by a good guy in that scene!" />
<strong> ROGER!</strong>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/donkeykong_070730a.jpg" alt="So in case you're wondering, DK is Chief Taiga, Peach is Swan, DeDeDe is Guy/Genesic GaoGaiGar, Dr. Wright is Liger and Zelda, not pictured here, is Mikoto." />
<strong> Ms. Peach! The bongos President Ronnie gave us!</strong>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/peach_071019b.jpg" alt="Yes, DK and Peach were bad enough dudes." />
<strong> Yes sir!</strong>
<strong> For victory and mankind, by the oath sworn through courage!</strong>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/donkeykong_070730d.jpg" alt="They're supposed to say it together but YOU find a right-sized screenshot of Peach and DK looking triumphant in the same frame." />
<strong> WOODEN CRUSHER!</strong>
<strong> OPERATION… APPROVED!</strong>
<strong> THIS IS THE KEY TO VICTORY!</strong>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/stage04_070622a.jpg" alt="I used to their the Pleiades wasn't that cool, but now..." />
<strong> High-speed aircraft Pleiades, expand!</strong>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/stage12_070912a.jpg" alt="There are like four spaceships involved here but screw this" />
<strong> Battleship Halberd, expand!</strong>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kingdedede_071206a.jpg" alt="It's hard to show a scene in which DeDeDe is supposed to be righteously furious but he's almost always smiling from ear to ear." />
<strong> LET’S DO IT!</strong>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kingdedede_071026g.jpg" alt="The hammer is actually the size of a small space station." />
<strong> CRUSHER CONNECT!</strong>
<strong> WOODEN! CRUUUUUUUUSHEEEEEEEEER!</strong>
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/kingdedede_071025c-l.jpg" alt="This is another joke I actually did before but remixed here. I'm not very original this week, am I? Please forgive me." />
<strong> GET OFF OF MY STAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!</strong>
(Apologies to those of you who have no idea what that was just all about. Here, have a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IX0fIKP40mg">free link</a> if you don’t mind having the end of the GaoGaiGar Final OVA, sequel to the GaoGaiGar TV series, spoiled.)
…Oh, sorry, I was daydreaming. Okay, now. Here, King DeDeDe is relying on another minion rush, like Pit, only it seems a little bit more useful but also a bit less spectacular. I’m looking forward to using that one! Relying on other people to do your work, though? That’s not really manly. Hopefully the Manliness-O-Meter readings won’t be affected by the residual courage left over from that daydream I just had…
<strong>TODAY’S MANLINESS RATING:</strong> 120 Kaminas out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/manlinessometerkaminayo7.png" alt="Yours is a drill that will pierce the heavens!" />
<strong>FRIDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/wi-fi/wi-fi04.html"><strong>With Anyone/Basic Brawl</strong></a>
<em>And as the case has always been, I’ve made it so you can play the characters you unlock in battles.</em>
I don’t know what to think of this update. I really don’t. And what that happens, what do I do? A bullet point list! Yes!
<ul>
<li>The character selection screen isn’t a secret anymore! WOOHOO! Although I’m pretty sure that was the one they used in the demo. I guess they won’t be using that initial roster for the actual game, seeing how Wario and Pokémon Trainer aren’t there while I’m pretty sure they are ON THE BOX. (That one got confirmed as official, right?)</li>
<li>Plus, it’s too tiny to fit everyone, too. Although it may play some tricks on us. Mysterious.</li>
<li>Finally, a use for coins! For… lottery? Huh, okay. I guess I can do that if I have coins to burn and REALLY DON’T WANT to play in the Jungle Falls stage.</li>
<li>Wonder if you can choose to turn all items on or off by lottery. If not, I hope this won’t RUIN THE GAME FOREVER for anyone.</li>
<li>Still some “information reruns”, whee! I like being reminded that I can beat up on Sandbag while loading and that I can’t send messages while playing “with anyone”, really. Honest.</li>
<li>They really make a huge deal out of making sure that people don’t have the slightest reason to act like immature twits online, because they’re in complete anonymity and the such. I bet you one dollar that they’ll still find a way to troll online play sooner or later, somehow! The fact that they’re anonymous might even <em>help</em>, come to think of it.</li>
<li>People who drop out are replaced by CPUs! That’s… kind of neat, I guess, but weird. I must be paranoid, but I’m wondering what could happen if my Wii develops artificial intelligence and decides that, in order to take the next logical step in its programming, it must <em>take over my identity while I sleep</em>. I’d wake up to find all of my ID cards stolen, my favorite websites’ passwords all changed and none of my relatives recognizing me. And then, I find my Wii, wearing a trenchcoat, imitating my mannerisms perfectly and ready to swear that it’s actually me. I don’t want that to happen, man!</li>
<li>Come to think of it, people will probably be able to tell that it’s actually a CPU easily because it doesn’t pay attention when you charge an attack right in its face, and is able to pull off crazy split-second manoevers with great ease at higher difficulty levels. Nevermind, then.</li>
<li>Wow, the green Meta Knight sure is ugly.</li>
<li>This whole thing about not being too hung up on secret characters worries me a bit. Hopefully this ONLY means they just won’t bother to hide them away if you go online. I’d be pretty disappointed if they started revealing them casually, to the point where we know the full roster by the time the game hits the shelves. I sort of doubt what we’ve seen so far will only constitute the initial lineup, because dang, that’s a lotta characters. Hopefully we’ll still have some surprises left to discover ourselves once the game actually gets here…</li>
<li>What’s that about being able to play the characters we unlock in battles? That’s a weird sentence. Do they mean that the unlockable characters will become, <em>gasp</em>, playable, or what?</li>
</ul>
So many mysteries. Oh well. Let’s see if the Manliness-O-Meter can get a reading out of it. I gotta say, I’m really not sure if that counts as a manly update or not…
<strong>TODAY’S MANLINESS RATING:</strong> ??? Mr. Ts out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/manlinessometermrtlf3.png" alt="I'm Mr. T, and this is my Night Elf Mohawk!" />
Huh.
<h1>GAME!</h1>
<strong>1ST PLACE BEEFIEST:</strong> The exciting Battle for the Smash Ball teaches us the value of strategical thinking while inflicting major hurt on your opponent. Plus, it has a song from a game no one has heard of with the X-tremely edgy title of “X”. For this, Wednesday’s update earns the title of this week’s beefiest.
<strong>LAST PLACE CHUMP:</strong> Nate’s obvious hypocrisy more than anything else spells his doom, as Monday’s update is declared this week’s CHUMP. Sorry, Nate! Maybe next week you can set yourself a message about lifting weights and driving cars.
<strong>?????:</strong> friday i don’t know what was up with friday it’s like a lovecraft thing the entry is staring into my mind and slowly everything i’ve come to take for granted unravels itself into a twisted tapestry of horror, reaching into my very soul to violently tickle my fancy and climb the bridge to find eternal freedom but reach only the perplexed guard dogs of fate and stoic canned laughter i don’t know man i don’t know
A slightly more than averagely manly week we’ve got here. It probably would’ve been able to get a higher rating by including more cool vehicles and women in revealing clothing, possibly leaning against said vehicles suggestively. Alternatively, Captain Falcon.
<strong>THIS WEEK’S MANLINESS RATING:</strong> 177 Spartans out of 300!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/manlinessometerspartanys9.png" alt="This! is! almost Sparta!" />
And that’s it for this week, folks! I’ll now go back to playing that “X” game about vampire killing or whatever, but before that I have to go throw the Manliness-O-Meter off a cliff so as to force me to find a new gimmick next time I get tired of the Smash Icon ratings system. Have a nice week and good luck with the final stretch of school before the break for those this applies to! If not, disregard that, and I want you to have a CRAPPY week.
Tune in next week as I accidentally review Pokémon: The First Movie, Dr. Mario is shown to be the final boss, and that big blue/red monster head from Yoshi’s Island with the huge mouth that came out of water/lava to chase you around gets confirmed as playable!
