Snot Man
Smash Cadet
This is Japan Time Time’s second week on the Super Smash Blog! To celebrate this once-in-a-lifetime event, here is, in exclusivity, a brand-new entry! I know, this is too much generosity.
Earlier this week, Mic_128 and kirbykid posted two pretty <a href="http://smashboards.com/blog/2007/11/28/objection-sakurai-doesnt-suck/">cool</a> <a href="http://smashboards.com/blog/2007/11/28/if-you-give-a-smasher-a-muffin/">entries</a> about why naysayers should quit it with the Sakurai hate already. They are quite right. But, in spite of all this, rest assured that Japan Time Time will not hesitate to rebel and whine immaturely about disappointing updates! For each morning we have to wake up to a detailed entry on how to jump, Japan Time Time will strike the Smash Dojo down with all of its hatred, completing its journey to the Dark Side. Why, you’re asking? Because it’s more fun that way, that’s why!
Now, onwards to another week of pure madness.
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/various15_071127e.jpg" alt="This is way too wide! Look what you've done!" /></p>
<p align="center"><strong>To view Japan Time Time properly, please pick the option with the circular background shape.</strong></p>
<strong>WEEK #28: November 26th to 30th, 2007</strong>
<strong>MONDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/various/various14.html"><strong>Controls</strong></a>
<em>Wow. I hate to say it, but we really have thought of everything.</em>
Hey, I don’t know why, but this update sounds <a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/various/various01.html">sort </a><a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/howto/basic/basic07.html">of </a><a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/various/various01.html">familiar</a>… I really can’t put my finger on it.
So basically, this update is a remix of older ones stuck together, only now we have screenshots to know how exactly that will work, as well as the confirmation that you’ll be able to store name information in your WiiMote. That’s not so bad, except that those weren’t <em>really</em> the greatest of updates to begin with, at least if you’ve read them once already. It’s a bit like mixing up dry crackers, plain potato chips and corn flakes in a blender, then adding multicolored sprinkles to the result. This might gross you out a little, but not as much as if I told you writing that made me hungry. Which is did. Mmmmm. Corn flake paste.
I know I promised evil Force lightning for bad updates, but I’m too busy eating right now.
This update MIGHT have had a two if it hadn’t had the gall to say that line at the end. What’s up with that? Sakurai seems to apologize for great updates and boast about boring ones. I don’t get that man.
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 1 Smash Icon out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>TUESDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/various/various15.html"><strong>Widescreen Support</strong></a>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/music/music15.html"><strong>Donkey Kong</strong></a>
<em>The two shots above… Wrong.</em>
YAY! I’ll be able to play Smash in widescreen… except… that I don’t have a widescreen TV. Dang.
Now, boy. They really were scratching the bottom of the barrel there, weren’t they? For this and Monday’s update, at least. Using my amazing ability to peer into the future, here’s a prediction for an entry we’ll see next week…
<p align="center"><strong><Sound Settings></strong></p>
A popular feature in the first two Smash games was the ability to adjust your sound settings on the Options screen. Now, you’ll be able to enjoy them in Brawl too!
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/noscreenshotff5.png" alt="Look, it's not easy getting my hands on images that don't even exist yet." />
<strong>You’ll be able to adjust the ratio of sound you hear. Don’t like the music? Turn them down and turn the SFX on! Don’t like the sound effects? Do the opposite!</strong>
<p align="center"> </p>
<p align="center"><strong><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/noscreenshotff5.png" alt="Since there's nothing really relevant to say here: Tengen Toppa Gurren-Lagann is AWESOME." />
And now, not only can you set it to Stereo or Mono, but also… surround sound! Now you can feel like Mario is brawling right beside you!</strong>
And best of all, we’ve even managed to put in an additional functionality that works with a peripheral I’m sure you all have already… oh, I’m almost too excited to say it!
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/volumewp4.png" alt="Oh wow, I managed to get some reception from the Future Internet after all." />
<strong>Using your TV’s controller, you can even adjust the volume!!</strong>
Oh, yeah, there was also the Donkey Kong thing. This redeems the entry somewhat, since it’s a pretty decent remix of basic arcade music. But I gotta say, I’m curious. What would it sound like if that guy remixed the original Pac-Man theme? Pac-Man jingle, wakkawakkawakka boop-beep boop wakkawakka beginning of Pac-Man jingle wakka wakka boop boop boop beep wakkawakka end of Pac-Man jingle boop beedee boop wakkawakka ghost-eating sound, etc.?
But you know what? That entry wasn’t redeemed enough. And now, young Dojo update… you will die.
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/forcelightninghc6.png" alt="HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAH!! *pant pant* ... HAHAHAHA!!" />
<strong>HAHAHAHAHAHA! HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!</strong>
Good thing I got that out of the way, because the rest of the week isn’t nearly as bad!
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>WEDNESDAY</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/wario.html#3rd"><strong>Wario: Final Smash</strong></a>
<em>Punch to pummelpummelpummelpummel!</em>
As far as “Super Mode” Final Smashes go, this one seems pretty cool. At least, cooler than Diddy Kong’s, which is admittedly not very hard to top. Of course, it LOOKS ridiculous, but that makes sense when you consider that THIS IS WARIO WE ARE TALKING ABOUT. And it was pulled from an actual game, which is always a good thing.
Wario has always been a thorn by my side since I’ve started writing this. Why? Because he’s too weird! It’s hard to make fun of something that basically makes fun of itself and is even stranger than what you can come up with yourself. So, instead, I’m thinking maybe I could take a serious angle. I’ll explain the Wario-Man origin story Nintendo doesn’t want you to know. Official word is that he ate some mutant garlic and turned into a superhero, but this is just a cover story. For the first time, in exclusivity, Japan Time Time is proud to bring you <em>Wario-Man: The Untold Story</em>.
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/wario_071128b.jpg" alt="hi all i am good" />
<strong>I was raised in the mean streets of life. Those are no place for a kid. Everywhere I looked, I saw crime, corruption, and not nearly enough garlic. I had never known my mom. My father did his best to help me survive the real world out there, but it wasn’t easy. He had his own battle to fight. He was a software consultant. I never asked him what it meant, because I was too busy surviving the mean streets to care. We were happy together. Not rich, but we were happy.</strong>
<p align="center"> </p>
<p align="center"><strong><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/wario_071128e.jpg" alt="hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii" /></strong></p>
<p align="center"><strong>Then, the Y2k bug happened. He died trying to fix it. I was sent to an orphanage, but I never forgot him. Years passed, and I grew violent. I took my anger out on small-time criminals. It was through a chance encounter with just the right crook that I learned the truth about what killed my father. It wasn’t the Y2k bug at all, but the crime boss, Giovanni, who rigged the Internet to explode. Hearing the news, I was devastated.</strong></p>
<p align="center"> </p>
<p align="center"><strong><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/wario_071128d.jpg" alt="hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii alllllllllllllllll" />
Once I got over it, I became driven. I had to eradicate crime in all of its forms, so no child would have to suffer this again. I had to become powerful. To become a symbol. Criminals are a cowardly and superstitious lot, after all. As I pondered my costume, Wario suddenly flew through my bedroom window. I had an epiphany. I would become the most terrifying thing known to man. Wario-Man. Half-man, half-Wario.</strong>
And now you know everything.
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>THURSDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/various/various16.html"><strong>Events</strong></a>
<em>The pictures make it easy to understand.</em>
Just to get that out of the way first: Isn’t “Pink Ball Repulsion” the worst name for anything ever?
Aside from that, there isn’t much to say about it. You can set the difficulty! Three times the difficulty settings means triple the fun! And I bet there might even be a way to unlock… harder difficulties! Now THAT would be the greatest thing ever.
Byyyyy the way, that was SARCASTIC!
The new events don’t really seem like anything as special as I would have expected for the return of event matches. Of course, I’m not sure WHAT I expected, because if you think about it, the game doesn’t make many huge drastic changes to gameplay and characters and stages that could be exploited here. Of course, we’ve only seen a few so we might be surprised yet.
What I REALLY want to know, though, is what’s up with the second event. Look! It’s the one numbered “2″!
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/various16_071129a-l.jpg" alt="You've seen it all and you're seeing it again, folks!" />
<strong>It’s… the Landmaster?!</strong>
They’ve skipped over describing that one, and it seemed like the coolest, too. What are you gonna do here? Do you immediately control the Landmaster (without the whole “smashing the Smash Ball” thing) and have to blast Subspace goons for fun and profit? Or are you faced with it and you have to survive for a set time? Or maybe you’ve got to run away or… dare I say it… DESTROY it? Now that would be pretty insane.
(Solid Snake would be all “Feh, it doesn’t even have LEGS.”)
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>FRIDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/stages/stage18.html"><strong>Melee Stages</strong></a>
<em>It’s…big…</em>
I hope my body can take it… (Okay, that was reaching a little.)
The Temple. Why did it have to be the TEMPLE? But I kid, I kid. I know I might get lynch mobbed as soon as this entry goes live by saying this, I actually sort of like the Temple. I actually never really understood everyone else in the world’s dislike of it, so I asked my brother. Bad idea. He immediately started spazzing out and screaming incoherently about hit-and-running and invincible caves and turtles and things that are too wide. I shot a tranquilizer dart into his neck because he had clearly lost his mind. The widescreen update was Tuesday! Get with the program! I then crossed my arms and said something really witty while he slammed the door and screamed about never visiting my store ever again. Right, brother, you do that.
I think I know what the real problem is, though. The stage is too big for ONLY four players. Sadly, this is still a problem in Brawl, but, luckily for you, I’ve once again made use of my ability to see the future to predict what the next installment in the series had in store for us. Believe it or not, Super Smash Bros. Genocide will allow up to 16 characters to play on the same stage at once! As you may have noticed above, I can’t get actual images from the Internet of the future, but you’ll have to trust my descriptions and this handy chart, on which I’ll describe a typical match on the new Temple. Believe me, you won’t be disappointed!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/templechartqr6.png" alt="Big battlefields like that would be nice, because Smash has always needed more giant robots. I'm just saying." />
At <strong>point 1</strong>, Solid Snake and Liquid Snake are engaged in fierce fisticuffs on top of the structure, which is on fire for no clear reason. Fox is constantly sniping them from <strong>point 2</strong> using his newfound ability to shoot lasers in any direction, but they pay him no mind for now, so determined to take each other down once and for all.
At <strong>point 3</strong>, a computer-controlled Cooking Mama is making a mad dash for the Smash Ball that has just appeared at the left edge of the stage, ignoring anyone or anything in her way.
At <strong>point 4</strong>, Belome, Poo and Dr. Fred have been hitting each other chaotically for like five minutes now, but haven’t managed to get any actual KOs in despite the absurd beating each one has taken.
At <strong>point 5</strong>, Street Fighting Ryu, Ryu Bateson and Ryu Hayabusa have formed an uneasy truce to take down a Mega-Mushroomed Ryusei Date.
Safe at <strong>point 6</strong>, Phoenix Wright keeps taunting again and again, with a custom message popping out each time saying “pull my finger!!!!” The one controlling him thinks this is really hilarious.
And at <strong>point 7</strong>… Hey, it’s Waldo!
The people at <strong>point 8</strong> are screwed, however, for Viewtiful Joe has gotten his hands on the oft-mentioned Smash Ball! For his ultimate move, he summons his giant robot, Six Majin, whose massive size crushes the chunk of land it was standing on, taking down Gray Fox and Nei with him.
Sadly, I can’t rate things that haven’t happened yet. Hopefully this means we’ll see more great stages return from Melee, like Icicle Mountain. …pffffthahaha, okay, I can’t type that with a straight face. … Hopefully this also means we won’t see a different update about stages from the N64 game returning.
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" />
<h1>GAME!</h1>
<strong>1ST PLACE WINNER:</strong> I’m not a huge fan of Wario-Man, but I always appreciate a new Final Smash that doesn’t make me question my will to live. Of course, you could say that just LOOKING at him could cause this effect… Hmmm…
<strong>LAST PLACE LOSER:</strong> Wasn’t the Controls update really really dull? Imagine your grandpa ranting about stamps, then imagine that he was doing it while offering you that corn flake paste I mentioned earlier. I still think this update was more dull than that. The fact that you can get excited about not accidentally jumping it really puts things in perspective.
Maybe I should come up with a new rating system for end-of-week updates, because there might not be enough entries here to notice yet, but we end up with a lot of threes at the end. Maybe it’s karmic balance? Maybe it’s the result of Masahiro Sakurai’s twisted desire to both bring happiness and despair at once. Once again, we find ourselves playing in this madman’s hands!
<strong>THIS WEEK’S OVERALL RATING:</strong> 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" />
Aaaand that’s all the time we’ve got. I want to thank the nice folks at Kellogg’s for supplying ingredients for this delicious corn flake paste, as well as my sponsor King DeDeDe for not having me ordered beheaded for weeks now. Thanks for reading this, and have a good morning/day/evening!
Tune in next week as we cover the appearance of the smoke ball launcher item, the amazing sound settings, and NEWCOMER: MS. GAME AND WATCH!
Earlier this week, Mic_128 and kirbykid posted two pretty <a href="http://smashboards.com/blog/2007/11/28/objection-sakurai-doesnt-suck/">cool</a> <a href="http://smashboards.com/blog/2007/11/28/if-you-give-a-smasher-a-muffin/">entries</a> about why naysayers should quit it with the Sakurai hate already. They are quite right. But, in spite of all this, rest assured that Japan Time Time will not hesitate to rebel and whine immaturely about disappointing updates! For each morning we have to wake up to a detailed entry on how to jump, Japan Time Time will strike the Smash Dojo down with all of its hatred, completing its journey to the Dark Side. Why, you’re asking? Because it’s more fun that way, that’s why!
Now, onwards to another week of pure madness.
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/various15_071127e.jpg" alt="This is way too wide! Look what you've done!" /></p>
<p align="center"><strong>To view Japan Time Time properly, please pick the option with the circular background shape.</strong></p>
<strong>WEEK #28: November 26th to 30th, 2007</strong>
<strong>MONDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/various/various14.html"><strong>Controls</strong></a>
<em>Wow. I hate to say it, but we really have thought of everything.</em>
Hey, I don’t know why, but this update sounds <a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/various/various01.html">sort </a><a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/howto/basic/basic07.html">of </a><a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/various/various01.html">familiar</a>… I really can’t put my finger on it.
So basically, this update is a remix of older ones stuck together, only now we have screenshots to know how exactly that will work, as well as the confirmation that you’ll be able to store name information in your WiiMote. That’s not so bad, except that those weren’t <em>really</em> the greatest of updates to begin with, at least if you’ve read them once already. It’s a bit like mixing up dry crackers, plain potato chips and corn flakes in a blender, then adding multicolored sprinkles to the result. This might gross you out a little, but not as much as if I told you writing that made me hungry. Which is did. Mmmmm. Corn flake paste.
I know I promised evil Force lightning for bad updates, but I’m too busy eating right now.
This update MIGHT have had a two if it hadn’t had the gall to say that line at the end. What’s up with that? Sakurai seems to apologize for great updates and boast about boring ones. I don’t get that man.
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 1 Smash Icon out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>TUESDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/various/various15.html"><strong>Widescreen Support</strong></a>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/music/music15.html"><strong>Donkey Kong</strong></a>
<em>The two shots above… Wrong.</em>
YAY! I’ll be able to play Smash in widescreen… except… that I don’t have a widescreen TV. Dang.
Now, boy. They really were scratching the bottom of the barrel there, weren’t they? For this and Monday’s update, at least. Using my amazing ability to peer into the future, here’s a prediction for an entry we’ll see next week…
<p align="center"><strong><Sound Settings></strong></p>
A popular feature in the first two Smash games was the ability to adjust your sound settings on the Options screen. Now, you’ll be able to enjoy them in Brawl too!
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/noscreenshotff5.png" alt="Look, it's not easy getting my hands on images that don't even exist yet." />
<strong>You’ll be able to adjust the ratio of sound you hear. Don’t like the music? Turn them down and turn the SFX on! Don’t like the sound effects? Do the opposite!</strong>
<p align="center"> </p>
<p align="center"><strong><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/noscreenshotff5.png" alt="Since there's nothing really relevant to say here: Tengen Toppa Gurren-Lagann is AWESOME." />
And now, not only can you set it to Stereo or Mono, but also… surround sound! Now you can feel like Mario is brawling right beside you!</strong>
And best of all, we’ve even managed to put in an additional functionality that works with a peripheral I’m sure you all have already… oh, I’m almost too excited to say it!
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/volumewp4.png" alt="Oh wow, I managed to get some reception from the Future Internet after all." />
<strong>Using your TV’s controller, you can even adjust the volume!!</strong>
Oh, yeah, there was also the Donkey Kong thing. This redeems the entry somewhat, since it’s a pretty decent remix of basic arcade music. But I gotta say, I’m curious. What would it sound like if that guy remixed the original Pac-Man theme? Pac-Man jingle, wakkawakkawakka boop-beep boop wakkawakka beginning of Pac-Man jingle wakka wakka boop boop boop beep wakkawakka end of Pac-Man jingle boop beedee boop wakkawakka ghost-eating sound, etc.?
But you know what? That entry wasn’t redeemed enough. And now, young Dojo update… you will die.
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/forcelightninghc6.png" alt="HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAH!! *pant pant* ... HAHAHAHA!!" />
<strong>HAHAHAHAHAHA! HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!</strong>
Good thing I got that out of the way, because the rest of the week isn’t nearly as bad!
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>WEDNESDAY</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/wario.html#3rd"><strong>Wario: Final Smash</strong></a>
<em>Punch to pummelpummelpummelpummel!</em>
As far as “Super Mode” Final Smashes go, this one seems pretty cool. At least, cooler than Diddy Kong’s, which is admittedly not very hard to top. Of course, it LOOKS ridiculous, but that makes sense when you consider that THIS IS WARIO WE ARE TALKING ABOUT. And it was pulled from an actual game, which is always a good thing.
Wario has always been a thorn by my side since I’ve started writing this. Why? Because he’s too weird! It’s hard to make fun of something that basically makes fun of itself and is even stranger than what you can come up with yourself. So, instead, I’m thinking maybe I could take a serious angle. I’ll explain the Wario-Man origin story Nintendo doesn’t want you to know. Official word is that he ate some mutant garlic and turned into a superhero, but this is just a cover story. For the first time, in exclusivity, Japan Time Time is proud to bring you <em>Wario-Man: The Untold Story</em>.
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/wario_071128b.jpg" alt="hi all i am good" />
<strong>I was raised in the mean streets of life. Those are no place for a kid. Everywhere I looked, I saw crime, corruption, and not nearly enough garlic. I had never known my mom. My father did his best to help me survive the real world out there, but it wasn’t easy. He had his own battle to fight. He was a software consultant. I never asked him what it meant, because I was too busy surviving the mean streets to care. We were happy together. Not rich, but we were happy.</strong>
<p align="center"> </p>
<p align="center"><strong><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/wario_071128e.jpg" alt="hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii" /></strong></p>
<p align="center"><strong>Then, the Y2k bug happened. He died trying to fix it. I was sent to an orphanage, but I never forgot him. Years passed, and I grew violent. I took my anger out on small-time criminals. It was through a chance encounter with just the right crook that I learned the truth about what killed my father. It wasn’t the Y2k bug at all, but the crime boss, Giovanni, who rigged the Internet to explode. Hearing the news, I was devastated.</strong></p>
<p align="center"> </p>
<p align="center"><strong><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/wario_071128d.jpg" alt="hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii alllllllllllllllll" />
Once I got over it, I became driven. I had to eradicate crime in all of its forms, so no child would have to suffer this again. I had to become powerful. To become a symbol. Criminals are a cowardly and superstitious lot, after all. As I pondered my costume, Wario suddenly flew through my bedroom window. I had an epiphany. I would become the most terrifying thing known to man. Wario-Man. Half-man, half-Wario.</strong>
And now you know everything.
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>THURSDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/various/various16.html"><strong>Events</strong></a>
<em>The pictures make it easy to understand.</em>
Just to get that out of the way first: Isn’t “Pink Ball Repulsion” the worst name for anything ever?
Aside from that, there isn’t much to say about it. You can set the difficulty! Three times the difficulty settings means triple the fun! And I bet there might even be a way to unlock… harder difficulties! Now THAT would be the greatest thing ever.
Byyyyy the way, that was SARCASTIC!
The new events don’t really seem like anything as special as I would have expected for the return of event matches. Of course, I’m not sure WHAT I expected, because if you think about it, the game doesn’t make many huge drastic changes to gameplay and characters and stages that could be exploited here. Of course, we’ve only seen a few so we might be surprised yet.
What I REALLY want to know, though, is what’s up with the second event. Look! It’s the one numbered “2″!
<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/various16_071129a-l.jpg" alt="You've seen it all and you're seeing it again, folks!" />
<strong>It’s… the Landmaster?!</strong>
They’ve skipped over describing that one, and it seemed like the coolest, too. What are you gonna do here? Do you immediately control the Landmaster (without the whole “smashing the Smash Ball” thing) and have to blast Subspace goons for fun and profit? Or are you faced with it and you have to survive for a set time? Or maybe you’ve got to run away or… dare I say it… DESTROY it? Now that would be pretty insane.
(Solid Snake would be all “Feh, it doesn’t even have LEGS.”)
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" />
<strong>FRIDAY!</strong>
<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/stages/stage18.html"><strong>Melee Stages</strong></a>
<em>It’s…big…</em>
I hope my body can take it… (Okay, that was reaching a little.)
The Temple. Why did it have to be the TEMPLE? But I kid, I kid. I know I might get lynch mobbed as soon as this entry goes live by saying this, I actually sort of like the Temple. I actually never really understood everyone else in the world’s dislike of it, so I asked my brother. Bad idea. He immediately started spazzing out and screaming incoherently about hit-and-running and invincible caves and turtles and things that are too wide. I shot a tranquilizer dart into his neck because he had clearly lost his mind. The widescreen update was Tuesday! Get with the program! I then crossed my arms and said something really witty while he slammed the door and screamed about never visiting my store ever again. Right, brother, you do that.
I think I know what the real problem is, though. The stage is too big for ONLY four players. Sadly, this is still a problem in Brawl, but, luckily for you, I’ve once again made use of my ability to see the future to predict what the next installment in the series had in store for us. Believe it or not, Super Smash Bros. Genocide will allow up to 16 characters to play on the same stage at once! As you may have noticed above, I can’t get actual images from the Internet of the future, but you’ll have to trust my descriptions and this handy chart, on which I’ll describe a typical match on the new Temple. Believe me, you won’t be disappointed!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/templechartqr6.png" alt="Big battlefields like that would be nice, because Smash has always needed more giant robots. I'm just saying." />
At <strong>point 1</strong>, Solid Snake and Liquid Snake are engaged in fierce fisticuffs on top of the structure, which is on fire for no clear reason. Fox is constantly sniping them from <strong>point 2</strong> using his newfound ability to shoot lasers in any direction, but they pay him no mind for now, so determined to take each other down once and for all.
At <strong>point 3</strong>, a computer-controlled Cooking Mama is making a mad dash for the Smash Ball that has just appeared at the left edge of the stage, ignoring anyone or anything in her way.
At <strong>point 4</strong>, Belome, Poo and Dr. Fred have been hitting each other chaotically for like five minutes now, but haven’t managed to get any actual KOs in despite the absurd beating each one has taken.
At <strong>point 5</strong>, Street Fighting Ryu, Ryu Bateson and Ryu Hayabusa have formed an uneasy truce to take down a Mega-Mushroomed Ryusei Date.
Safe at <strong>point 6</strong>, Phoenix Wright keeps taunting again and again, with a custom message popping out each time saying “pull my finger!!!!” The one controlling him thinks this is really hilarious.
And at <strong>point 7</strong>… Hey, it’s Waldo!
The people at <strong>point 8</strong> are screwed, however, for Viewtiful Joe has gotten his hands on the oft-mentioned Smash Ball! For his ultimate move, he summons his giant robot, Six Majin, whose massive size crushes the chunk of land it was standing on, taking down Gray Fox and Nei with him.
Sadly, I can’t rate things that haven’t happened yet. Hopefully this means we’ll see more great stages return from Melee, like Icicle Mountain. …pffffthahaha, okay, I can’t type that with a straight face. … Hopefully this also means we won’t see a different update about stages from the N64 game returning.
<strong>TODAY’S RATING:</strong> 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
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<h1>GAME!</h1>
<strong>1ST PLACE WINNER:</strong> I’m not a huge fan of Wario-Man, but I always appreciate a new Final Smash that doesn’t make me question my will to live. Of course, you could say that just LOOKING at him could cause this effect… Hmmm…
<strong>LAST PLACE LOSER:</strong> Wasn’t the Controls update really really dull? Imagine your grandpa ranting about stamps, then imagine that he was doing it while offering you that corn flake paste I mentioned earlier. I still think this update was more dull than that. The fact that you can get excited about not accidentally jumping it really puts things in perspective.
Maybe I should come up with a new rating system for end-of-week updates, because there might not be enough entries here to notice yet, but we end up with a lot of threes at the end. Maybe it’s karmic balance? Maybe it’s the result of Masahiro Sakurai’s twisted desire to both bring happiness and despair at once. Once again, we find ourselves playing in this madman’s hands!
<strong>THIS WEEK’S OVERALL RATING:</strong> 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" /><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/world_w_01.gif" />
Aaaand that’s all the time we’ve got. I want to thank the nice folks at Kellogg’s for supplying ingredients for this delicious corn flake paste, as well as my sponsor King DeDeDe for not having me ordered beheaded for weeks now. Thanks for reading this, and have a good morning/day/evening!
Tune in next week as we cover the appearance of the smoke ball launcher item, the amazing sound settings, and NEWCOMER: MS. GAME AND WATCH!
