Seed of Sorrow
Smash Champion
Hey everyone, I don't know if you remember me, its been a long time so its alright if you don't know who I am. I'd like to say hello to everyone new and old and share a bit of myself with you guys. This is the first time I've ever addressed a major problem in my life and I felt confident enough to tell people. First, NO I'm not gay and this is not me coming out of the closet, haha, so sorry to disappoint you.
I'm a senior in high school and I'm writing my college apps, as I'm sure some others are as well, and I'd like to share one of my essays with you. Listen, I don't want you to think I'm posting it here so you can critique it, I have other people doing that for me
. I want to post it up here because it is about the biggest problem in my life that I've recently come to terms with. I'd also like to say that my problem may seem insignificant to some people but, relatively speaking, to me its huge.
I also feel that I shouldn't have to force you to read my essay, so I'll put a short summary at the bottom so you don't have to read if you don't want to.
Now that I've dodged the subject long enough, you can read.
Can you keep a secret? I haven’t told anyone this, but I feel I can trust you. Okay…here it goes. For as long as I can remember I’ve had a struggle with depression. Now before you worry, I want to say that it was nothing serious. No medication, no thoughts of - well you know; there was none of that. The only thing that gave any hint of it was my own self-doubt and the occasional personality test that marked me as “melancholy.” I could never tell what made me sad, or what I could do to get rid of its persistence, I only knew that it was always present.
I admit that I can only now talk about my problem because it’s resolved. Oddly enough, it happened in an ordinary way and I did not notice. There was no sudden epiphany, no self revelation that garnered my self worth, no zealous devotion to religion, nothing, only 52 palm sized slips of paper and a word that I still can’t find in a dictionary, “cardisty.”
Cardistry is exactly what it sounds like, card art, the graceful movement of cards. Never would I have guessed that a $2.00 pack of playing cards could end a mentality that had been with me since my first memories. The first trick I learned was a basic two handed shuffle known as “Sybil.” To complete the trick I needed to methodically break a full deck of cards into five smaller units, shuffle those units within my hands, and then reconstruct each one into a clean stack. It sounded easy enough, in fact, it looked easy enough. Bottom line, I started in July of last summer and only now, in October, can I fully perform Sybil.
Cards are not the reason I became a healthier individual, it was my determined practice. I came to understand that if I moved cards, I couldn’t think I would not drop them, I had to know I would not; I needed confidence. When I first picked up the Sybil my fingers fumbled and my hands rocked convulsively. Cards spilled from my grip at every turn of my fingers and of each hour of practice, 45 minutes were devoted to clean up. Fortunately, I practiced incessantly, carrying cards wherever I went, however that meant I also dropped cards, and in a lot of places. So far I’ve dropped on the bus to school, the school hallways, in each one of my six classes, my car, in a pot filled with soapy water (long story), and have even managed to drop them in the street. Eventually I got fed up with my mediocrity and awkward fingers and evolved a mentality that changed my life. Before every trick, I would think to myself, “get it right, or don’t do it.” That’s all I needed, 15 years of confusion settled in one thought conjured in an instant.
Since then I have adapted my confidence gained through cardistry to other aspects of my life. For one, I no longer look down at the floor when I walk but rather keep my head up and back straight. Confidence has filled the space that was once inexplicable sadness and I feel happier on a day to day basis. I have begun socializing with more students at my school and met my teachers on a more personal level. I have learned that I can’t rule out the little things in life, such as the tattered and worn out deck of cards that now sits immediately to my left, and that personality tests are a waste.
Okay, my essay was about how I'd always felt depressed and that one day I picked up cardistry. By practicing for long periods of time I learned that I need to be confident when playing with cards or that I should give up. I have since then applied that confidence to my life and have no longer been depressed.
By the way, thanks if you read to here.
Also, sorry about the formating, the boards have changed and I don't know how to make it prettier.
I'm a senior in high school and I'm writing my college apps, as I'm sure some others are as well, and I'd like to share one of my essays with you. Listen, I don't want you to think I'm posting it here so you can critique it, I have other people doing that for me
(although you can say anything good or bad about it if you wish)
I also feel that I shouldn't have to force you to read my essay, so I'll put a short summary at the bottom so you don't have to read if you don't want to.
Now that I've dodged the subject long enough, you can read.
Can you keep a secret? I haven’t told anyone this, but I feel I can trust you. Okay…here it goes. For as long as I can remember I’ve had a struggle with depression. Now before you worry, I want to say that it was nothing serious. No medication, no thoughts of - well you know; there was none of that. The only thing that gave any hint of it was my own self-doubt and the occasional personality test that marked me as “melancholy.” I could never tell what made me sad, or what I could do to get rid of its persistence, I only knew that it was always present.
I admit that I can only now talk about my problem because it’s resolved. Oddly enough, it happened in an ordinary way and I did not notice. There was no sudden epiphany, no self revelation that garnered my self worth, no zealous devotion to religion, nothing, only 52 palm sized slips of paper and a word that I still can’t find in a dictionary, “cardisty.”
Cardistry is exactly what it sounds like, card art, the graceful movement of cards. Never would I have guessed that a $2.00 pack of playing cards could end a mentality that had been with me since my first memories. The first trick I learned was a basic two handed shuffle known as “Sybil.” To complete the trick I needed to methodically break a full deck of cards into five smaller units, shuffle those units within my hands, and then reconstruct each one into a clean stack. It sounded easy enough, in fact, it looked easy enough. Bottom line, I started in July of last summer and only now, in October, can I fully perform Sybil.
Cards are not the reason I became a healthier individual, it was my determined practice. I came to understand that if I moved cards, I couldn’t think I would not drop them, I had to know I would not; I needed confidence. When I first picked up the Sybil my fingers fumbled and my hands rocked convulsively. Cards spilled from my grip at every turn of my fingers and of each hour of practice, 45 minutes were devoted to clean up. Fortunately, I practiced incessantly, carrying cards wherever I went, however that meant I also dropped cards, and in a lot of places. So far I’ve dropped on the bus to school, the school hallways, in each one of my six classes, my car, in a pot filled with soapy water (long story), and have even managed to drop them in the street. Eventually I got fed up with my mediocrity and awkward fingers and evolved a mentality that changed my life. Before every trick, I would think to myself, “get it right, or don’t do it.” That’s all I needed, 15 years of confusion settled in one thought conjured in an instant.
Since then I have adapted my confidence gained through cardistry to other aspects of my life. For one, I no longer look down at the floor when I walk but rather keep my head up and back straight. Confidence has filled the space that was once inexplicable sadness and I feel happier on a day to day basis. I have begun socializing with more students at my school and met my teachers on a more personal level. I have learned that I can’t rule out the little things in life, such as the tattered and worn out deck of cards that now sits immediately to my left, and that personality tests are a waste.
Okay, my essay was about how I'd always felt depressed and that one day I picked up cardistry. By practicing for long periods of time I learned that I need to be confident when playing with cards or that I should give up. I have since then applied that confidence to my life and have no longer been depressed.
By the way, thanks if you read to here.
Also, sorry about the formating, the boards have changed and I don't know how to make it prettier.
