A little something I have written

[Martian]

Keith Warren, a seemingly unimportant boy in the City of Detroit, sits in a desk at a school like any other boy. He has a navy blue hoodie jacket on, and his head rests on the palm of his right hand. His I-Pod headphone is weaved from his dark blue jeans and up through his sleeve where the peace sits comfortably between his hand and ear. He listens to classic rock as the science teacher writes on the board how important it is to concentrate when using acids.

"To many kids like you are killed from thinking an acid is some kind of moisturizer or fruity beverage." he says as he turns to face the class and brush the chalk dust from his hands. "Please, Keith, try to at least pretend to listen, this is important stuff."

Keith didn't respond, his music was to loud and his eyes were closed. A boy sitting to his left reached over and tugged on his hood. Keith opened his eyes and met the boy's, the boy gave a sideways glance to the teacher. Keith then sat up to face Mr. Rowley who now had a scowl on his face and his arms were crossed.

"Detention, after class, no if's, and's, or but's about it, and I'm calling your parents." he said as he wrote:

Keith Warren - Detention
3:30​

"Good luck with that." Keith mumbled quietly looking down at his empty notebook.

"I'm dissapointed in you Keith," Mr. Rowley said as he walked to Keith's desk, "you seem to be happy using this," he said as he pointed at the shape outlining an I-Pod in Keith's pocket, "rather than this." Mr. Rowley whispered and he touched Keith's forehead with his index finger.

Keith slapped Mr. Rowley's hand away and stood up to face him. He was a couple inches taller than Mr. Rowley, and his curly black hair fell over his shoulders elegantly. He fixed his hood which was out of place and stared back at Mr. Rowley with his intense green eyes. "Don't ever touch my face." he said and he lightly pushed Mr. Rowley to his right. He walked by him and to the bleached white door with the golden handle and "21" engraved on the glass. He put his hand on the handle and turned to look at his classmates who were all staring back at him with mouths wide open.

"If you walk out of this classroom your going to be suspended for two weeks." Mr. Rowley said peering over his glasses. "What would your parents say?"

Keith stared into Mr. Rowley's eyes, and shrugged, "I dunno" he said, "never met 'em. If you find them, ask for me, ok?"

With that he turned the handle and walked out of room twenty-one for the final time, with everyone else awestruck looking at an open door.

What did you think? Should I keep going?

 

[dualseeker]

Keep going if you want to. Not what people say.

But I like this story. Very nice use of words. Hope to see more of this ^__^.

 

[Martian]

Alright sounds good, I will keep going

 

[Mr.Lombardi34]

It's been a while, but I s'pose I'll leave some feedback...

First of all, check your grammar over a few times. Read your piece over a few times on different occasions and you'll easily weed out all mistakes. I noticed that you sometimes switched from present to past tense mainly.

I like the way you describe everything very well. It was easy for me to picture the characters and the things that were going on.

Finally I think you should work on dialogue. I know this is just a small sample of writing, but some of the lines seem unrealistic. For example, "never met 'em. If you find them, ask them for me, okay?" If you try to picture a kid saying this to his teacher (even somebody like Keith), it seems awkward and strange. Try to make people say things that would be said in real life.

If you're still working on this, hope I helped.