A couple of skits I wrote today

[Zook]

Today in study hall, I realized that I've never actually written a short story, script, or anything along those, in spite of the fact that I've developed several plots in the past years. So I found an old test I had with me, flipped it over to the blank side, and wrote 2 short skits.

It's Cold Out

Setting: A bus stop in winter. A boy and girl stand there.

Cast: Boy, Girl.

Props: Bus Stop sign, cell phone.

Curtain rises. Boy and Girl stand on opposite sides of the Bus Stop sign. Several seconds of awkward silence, Boy and Girl both eyeing the other, but avoiding eye contact. Finally,

Girl: Sure is cold out.

Boy: Yeah. Cold.

Both agree with "Yeah"s and "Uh huh"s for a while, then silence.

Boy: Did you do the English homework?

Girl: Huh?

Boy: Uh, did you do the English homework...?

Girl: Oh. Yeah.

Beat

Girl: Did you?

Boy: Huh?

Girl: Did you, um, do the homework.

Boy: No.

Girl: Oh, okay.

Boy: Yeah. Chuckles.

Girl: Also laughs. Eye contact is made for a second, then quickly broken. Several beats of silence.

Boy: Yeah... I, uh, hope it starts to warm up soon.

Girl: Yeah, I know. It's too cold.

Boy: Yeah.

Girl: Yeah...

Awkward silence.

Boy and Girl: (At same time) Hey---

Boy: Uh-

Girl: -You go first.

Boy: Oh. I, uh, I was wondering... Beat. ...I forget.

Girl: Oh. Beat. ...Me too.

Boy: Yeah. A few beats. It's getting kinda late.

Girl: Uh huh.

Boy: Do you think it might have been cancelled?

Girl: Lemme check... Girl takes out cell phone, dials, listens for a few seconds, puts phone away. Yeah, it was.

Boy: Huh.

Girl: Yeah. Beat.

Boy: I gotta go do my homework.

Girl: Later.

Boy: See ya.

Both stare at each other, almost longingly, for a while. Suddenly, both turn in opposite directions, and exit. Curtain falls.

-End-

I had the idea for that one for a while, but never got around to writing it.

Transit with an Annoying White Guy

Setting: The inside of a subway train.

Cast: Several Latino men, White Guy.

Props: Suit case, fake sushi, laptop, cell phone.

Curtain rises. The train is filled with Latinos. Latinos chat, laugh, pantomime, etc. amongst themselves. Sound of train stopping, and door opening. Enter White Guy.

White Guy: (Loudly, obnoxiously, into cell phone. As he shouts, Latinos slowly fall silent and stare at him.) HAHAHA! Alright! ...Yeah, great! ...Aw man, that's HILARIOUS! Hahaha!! Alright, I'm on the train... (He tries to sit between two Latinos, shoving them aside. Even louder I'M ON THE TRAIN! ...ALRIGHT, MAN! ...HA! OKAY, LATER! CHUCKA-WUCKA-LOGEE!! (Closes phone, puts it away.)

Seconds pass. White Guy pats hands on his lap to the beat of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. He notices the Latinos looking at him.

WG: Hi.

Latinos: (In unison) Hi.

Slowly, the Latinos resume their conversations. White Guy opens suit case, takes out laptop and sushi, uses both.

WG: (Turns to man next to him) Hey! (Man is in conversation, ignores him at first.) Hey!! (The Latino turns.) Ever had this stuff before?

Latino Man: (Looks at sushi, then back at White Guy.) Yeah. Sushi.

WG: Man, isn't this stuff great?! (Drops some sushi onto his computer. Shouts DOES ANYONE HERE HAVE A NAPKIN? (Latinos fall silent.)

Latino Man: ...No. Sorry.

WG: Aw, craaaaap.

White Guy whipes the laptop's keyboard on the edge of his seat, as someone would do with dog poop on their shoe. Latinos talk again, but more aware of White Guy.

WG: (Speaking to man next to him [Who is talking to some of his friends], loudly) Hey, man, check out this video!

The man turns, visably annoyed, and looks at the laptop. As they 'watch' the video, White Guy giggles the whole time, saying "Watch this, this is good" and things along those lines. Latino man is wholly unamused. Finally, White Guy bursts in laughter.

WG: Hilarious, right?

Latino Man: Sure.

WG: Haha, yeah. I'm going to play some tunes. Do you mind?

Latino Man: Sure.

Frank Sinatra (Any other really white singer can do) is heard loudly, White Guy singing along. Latinos stare. Train stopping is heard, door opening 'ding' is heard, Latinos get off. Curtain falls.

-End-

I don't know why I wrote this one. It's terrible. "If you think that, then why do you post it?" you must be asking me. Well, I want feedback. Advice. What I did well, what sucked, etc.

 

[Blackadder]

I can't actually find any punchlines, or was that the point? ._.

The girl/boy one was better though, or at least I enjoyed it more. Your writing style is very much mundane -- and it works well here. Perhaps too many "huh"s, but that's just me. Actually, the whole mundaness of it would actually make it pretty hard to act out, at least in a high school drama class. The writing is stylised, but still very grounded in a sort of dulled reality. I dunno what I'm saying, really. Just thoughts.

I'm tired. I should try this again later.

 

[toon_marth]

Good skits, but I feel kinda just left hanging at the ends. Try to tie them up with some punchlines.

The Boy/Girl one is good, as it portrays real-life behavior of a boy and a girl at a bus stop. The bleak, awkward dialogue is very life-like, but really leaves you feeling kinda like: "Okay, so...I didn't quite catch the point of this," when you don't tie it together with some witty humor or ironic event at the end. You know, stuff that makes them feel worth reading/watching.

I really liked the White guy/ Latinos one. (lol I tried so hard not picture a bunch of George Lopez's getting frustrated with some random white guy). Though, it would have been much more amusing if at the end you put something like : "Then as the train rolls into the station, the white guy realizes this is not his stop. A group of Gangsta blacks are seen rapping to a boom-box. They enterd the train, as the white guy says: "Hei homies whassup?!" or something like that.

all in all, I really enjoyed these, but felt empty as they ended.

 

[Zook]

I can't actually find any punchlines, or was that the point? ._.

The girl/boy one was better though, or at least I enjoyed it more. Your writing style is very much mundane -- and it works well here. Perhaps too many "huh"s, but that's just me. Actually, the whole mundaness of it would actually make it pretty hard to act out, at least in a high school drama class. The writing is stylised, but still very grounded in a sort of dulled reality. I dunno what I'm saying, really. Just thoughts.

I'm tired. I should try this again later.

No, no punchline in either.

I tried to make the boy/girl one as boring as possible.

Good skits, but I feel kinda just left hanging at the ends. Try to tie them up with some punchlines.

The Boy/Girl one is good, as it portrays real-life behavior of a boy and a girl at a bus stop. The bleak, awkward dialogue is very life-like, but really leaves you feeling kinda like: "Okay, so...I didn't quite catch the point of this," when you don't tie it together with some witty humor or ironic event at the end. You know, stuff that makes them feel worth reading/watching.

I really liked the White guy/ Latinos one. (lol I tried so hard not picture a bunch of George Lopez's getting frustrated with some random white guy). Though, it would have been much more amusing if at the end you put something like : "Then as the train rolls into the station, the white guy realizes this is not his stop. A group of Gangsta blacks are seen rapping to a boom-box. They enterd the train, as the white guy says: "Hei homies whassup?!" or something like that.

all in all, I really enjoyed these, but felt empty as they ended.

Haha, thanks. I need to think of some punch lines.