Kantrip
Kantplay
"grabbed some old poetry"
like a couple days old don't joke I can read you like a book
like a couple days old don't joke I can read you like a book
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- Thread starter Tom
- Start date
I'm a terrible judge of poetry, but I think I liked the first one better.
Shun Goku Satsu Rake
Oriwa Rake. Kaizo ko ni oriwa naru
- Joined
- May 8, 2012
- Messages
- 3,897
Actually the second one is about....6 months old, i think i wrote it around june. The first one is maybe a year older than that. I haven't wrote anything recent and honestly I haven't been inspired at all lately, so I haven't been writing. Hence me entering something to try and kick start myself
Kantrip
Kantplay
Haha okie I believe you 
I liked the first one
I liked the first one
Sweet dude, I have Monaco and just used some gift money to get the Civ 5 Brave New World expansion.
I'm pretty sure my steam name is the same as my name here (I'm grossly unoriginal and lazy)
PS: I also finally got my PS3 it's own HDMI cable... Blazblue CP looks SOOOOO much better without those black movie bars on the top and bottom compensating for non-HD 16:9 resolution...
GOD YES SO GOOD
Had to get that out there
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Xbox Dgamers, Shoot Many Robots is currently free it's a 4 person side scrolling shooter, it's hilarious lets get it and play itt
Raziek
Charging Limit All Day
First one is better, but they both need work. You want a full critique? I'll do one or both.
Raziek
Charging Limit All Day
Went ahead and critiqued/re-wrote a bit because I liked the ideas behind it. Apologies for being a tad heavy-handed in my suggestions/editing.
I realize you're entering these in a contest, however, so taking my suggestions is up to you. If you were going to pick one, un-edited, I would say the first is the better of the two, but its.... actually, the second needed less to be edited. Hrm. I LIKE the first one better as a poem, but it needs more work than the second. I think that's the best way to put it.
In midnight darkness once I rode
Directionless, my brain made of mold.
[“made of” wrecks the pacing of this line. Replace with either “but” or “just”, depending on what intent you want, I think “but” is probably the better choice.]
Through endless tracks I raced the night
Fighting to such sweet light.
[Again, pacing is off. I'd use something like “Fighting to reach/meet that/the sweet moon light.” (Intentionally two words for verbally separating it.) or “Fighting to reach/meet that/the sweetest light”]
Wounded of spirit, body and mind
I took to facing this foe alone,
Thinking myself strong in kind
But never won, and thus unknown
[This section is alright, but I might change “facing” to “face” for a more natural tense-synch with “took”]
The light I sought, it was my own.
The strength I used, from my own heart grown.
[I like this section. Might change “it was” to “'twas”.]
And when the foe faced me again
His own demise , quite swiftly did apprehend
[This part's a mess. You need to add words to the first line or remove them from the second. Second could be reworded to “His own demise, did quite swiftly apprehend, possibly removing “swiftly” entirely. Would yield something like:
[And when I faced that foe again
His own demise, did apprehend.]
A light in my mind, and of my own making.
The ideals I sought slowly awakening.
[Might remove “and”, but otherwise decent. “Slowly” having two syllables makes it a little awkward, might change it to “now”]
To find at long last
My own ending, to a once dark path.
[First line is strangely short by comparison. Add to the first perhaps?]
Directionless, my brain made of mold.
[“made of” wrecks the pacing of this line. Replace with either “but” or “just”, depending on what intent you want, I think “but” is probably the better choice.]
Through endless tracks I raced the night
Fighting to such sweet light.
[Again, pacing is off. I'd use something like “Fighting to reach/meet that/the sweet moon light.” (Intentionally two words for verbally separating it.) or “Fighting to reach/meet that/the sweetest light”]
Wounded of spirit, body and mind
I took to facing this foe alone,
Thinking myself strong in kind
But never won, and thus unknown
[This section is alright, but I might change “facing” to “face” for a more natural tense-synch with “took”]
The light I sought, it was my own.
The strength I used, from my own heart grown.
[I like this section. Might change “it was” to “'twas”.]
And when the foe faced me again
His own demise , quite swiftly did apprehend
[This part's a mess. You need to add words to the first line or remove them from the second. Second could be reworded to “His own demise, did quite swiftly apprehend, possibly removing “swiftly” entirely. Would yield something like:
[And when I faced that foe again
His own demise, did apprehend.]
A light in my mind, and of my own making.
The ideals I sought slowly awakening.
[Might remove “and”, but otherwise decent. “Slowly” having two syllables makes it a little awkward, might change it to “now”]
To find at long last
My own ending, to a once dark path.
[First line is strangely short by comparison. Add to the first perhaps?]
Twisting vines, my mind wove.
Intrinsic, complicated, the veritable grove.
Sanity, questionable. Insanity, negotiable.
[Change “veritable” to “winding” or “entwined”. Links better with line 1. Last line is just a little odd. Aren't you more or less saying the same thing twice? <Post-edit: Ah, it syncs with later stanzas. Leave it be, then.>]
Through spiked thorns, duck and wove
Veiled eyes watch my approach, as through the thickets I dove.
Utopia, approachable. Dystopia, forgettable.
[Possibly remove “as” and “of”, including the extra words is usually unnecessary and interrupts flow in poetry.]
Chilling winds, carry me, as i lay morose.
As the vines, with me interwove. [Re-word this line? “As with the vines, I lay interwove.” “me” is usually a ****ty word for poetry.]
Recognition, gained. Ignorance, disposed.
The last whisper, from my mouth arose.
My own will, my own truth, was it you I opposed ?
Empathy, granted. Apathy, outgrown
[Really like this part.]
The last question, never posed.
A simple answer, one I chose.
Both yes, and no.
[Feel like this could match your One-two, One-two pattern better, but I'm not quite sure how.]
Intrinsic, complicated, the veritable grove.
Sanity, questionable. Insanity, negotiable.
[Change “veritable” to “winding” or “entwined”. Links better with line 1. Last line is just a little odd. Aren't you more or less saying the same thing twice? <Post-edit: Ah, it syncs with later stanzas. Leave it be, then.>]
Through spiked thorns, duck and wove
Veiled eyes watch my approach, as through the thickets I dove.
Utopia, approachable. Dystopia, forgettable.
[Possibly remove “as” and “of”, including the extra words is usually unnecessary and interrupts flow in poetry.]
Chilling winds, carry me, as i lay morose.
As the vines, with me interwove. [Re-word this line? “As with the vines, I lay interwove.” “me” is usually a ****ty word for poetry.]
Recognition, gained. Ignorance, disposed.
The last whisper, from my mouth arose.
My own will, my own truth, was it you I opposed ?
Empathy, granted. Apathy, outgrown
[Really like this part.]
The last question, never posed.
A simple answer, one I chose.
Both yes, and no.
[Feel like this could match your One-two, One-two pattern better, but I'm not quite sure how.]
I realize you're entering these in a contest, however, so taking my suggestions is up to you. If you were going to pick one, un-edited, I would say the first is the better of the two, but its.... actually, the second needed less to be edited. Hrm. I LIKE the first one better as a poem, but it needs more work than the second. I think that's the best way to put it.
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#HBC | Acrostic
♖♘♗♔♕♗♘♖
- Joined
- Jan 31, 2010
- Messages
- 2,452
Once I rode a girl in midnight darkness,Rake said:
Directionless and hazardous she had no harness.
I raced her night through the endless track.
A heart attack, seized out for my Tiazac.
#HBC | ZoZo
Shocodoro Blagshidect
the first one was disgusting to read and even razieks analysis misses some things so id go with the 2nd one
#HBC | Nabe
Beneath it all, he had H-cups all along
You're right beside Rake.
Very much so.@#HBC | Nabe : I was going to comment on the fact that we reached 1000 pages, and then I noticed your avatar and signature. Ees legal?
@
Shun Goku Satsu Rake
@
#HBC | ZoZo
is a ****, don't worry about him
Nicholas1024
Smash Lord
- Joined
- Mar 14, 2009
- Messages
- 1,075
By the way, is it just me, or has the number of active games/players around here dwindled since I was last playing?
- Joined
- Jan 14, 2002
- Messages
- 28,982
I have been summoned from the void of the Broom. Pretty incredible to hit 1000 pages, legitimately, and then some by the time I read this.
weve indeed dwindled. were on a site dedicated to a 5 year old game in a room completely unrelated to it
yo anyone know if sigs are turned off on the mobile iteration?
happy new year from the future yall!
yo anyone know if sigs are turned off on the mobile iteration?
happy new year from the future yall!
Handorin
Smash Hero
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2005
- Messages
- 6,013
Melee is older than that.
Smash 4 will be out soon though. It might bring some people into the woodworks.
#HBC | Joker
Space Marine
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2012
- Messages
- 3,864
- Location
- St. Clair Shores, Michigan
- NNID
- HBCJoker
- 3DS FC
- 1864-9780-3232
Yea Melee is like, over a decade old. It came out in December 2001, so it's 12 years old. Smash64 came out near the beginning of 1999, so that ****** is almost 15 years old.
Orboknown
Smash Hero
third time tomorrow is the charm? prolly not
#HBC | Laundry
Grand Sage of Swag
gog, 40,000 posts in this thread. if this were a mafia game i'd kill myself if i had to replace in
Orboknown
Smash Hero
oh yea, GG cincy on sunday laundry.
#HBC | Laundry
Grand Sage of Swag
dalton throws 4 picks? whatever, still win by 17 points.
Orboknown
Smash Hero
ravens suck obv
#HBC | Laundry
Grand Sage of Swag
well yeh, when your quarterback is a felt puppet off of sesame street, that tends to happen
Red_Antoine
Smash Apprentice
- Joined
- Nov 13, 2013
- Messages
- 146
I'm done with this 1001 page day one, daykill: Laundry
Orboknown
Smash Hero
I lost it.
It was a long, cold, quite evening. The Bungles, errr, Bangels, had just beaten their arch-rivals the Ravens, and one young man was walking home from the game with a fire in his heart. "We're going to the playoffs!" He thought, and he was ready to show Dgames how good his team's young QB really was.
He had no idea he was dead as soon as he turned the corner.
WashedLaundry, Town Sense-Maker, has been slain in his prime.
#HBC | Laundry
Grand Sage of Swag
obv scum, daykills don't end on scum death and he knows my death will end the day
also i like how orbo STILL spelled the bengals wrong
Orboknown
Smash Hero
**** if i knew man, this hotel comp has no spell checker
Vinylic.
Woke?
You're using a hotel computer? Heck, guess I'll note that down.
#HBC | Laundry
Grand Sage of Swag
also while i'm here, breeding hidden powers in pokemon ****ing sucks. i avoided it for so long knowing i'd hate it and i'm still salty as i'm trying to breed an hp:ice chimchar and an hp:fire magnemite with magnet pull
if anyone can help, please do
if anyone can help, please do
#HBC | Nabe
Beneath it all, he had H-cups all along
I can help.
Stop. Enjoy your short and fragile existence for every moment.
Kiss someone tonight.
Smile.
Stop. Enjoy your short and fragile existence for every moment.
Kiss someone tonight.
Smile.
Orboknown
Smash Hero
i was supposed to be in basic in SC by now.
Vinylic.
Woke?
Well, this gave me quite the discomfort.
Well, take your time. Happy New Years, I'll be playing the last missions on Luigi's Mansion.
#HBC | Nabe
Beneath it all, he had H-cups all along
uhhhhh why
theres games older than brawl!?
Kantrip
Kantplay
but if i do all of these i'll end up getting my teeth kissed and that just feels weird
BSL
B-B-B-BLAMM!!!
Idk why but I loved this.
Vinylic.
Woke?
Does anyone made an avatar that's about 192x288?
This seemed to give me the highest quality possible.
This seemed to give me the highest quality possible.
#HBC | ѕoup
The world is not beautiful, therefore it is.
- Joined
- Sep 15, 2010
- Messages
- 6,865
#HBC | Laundry
Grand Sage of Swag
i'll do my best sir nabe but that was written at the time of like 1 in the afternoon and i don't have a lot of ways to kill time here.