Guzzler Guzzler
Melee Elitist
Louisiana Power Rank #2
“Shout outs to Vaughn edition”
September 2014
“Shout outs to Vaughn edition”
September 2014
10. Dope
HIGH: Yes
PREV: 07
CHNG: -3
The first returner to the Louisiana Power Rank is our boy Dope. Dope was the first Falco to ever travel abroad and win tournaments in notable locations such as Jamaica and Amsterdam by using a revolutionary technique known as the “Legendary Dope Cancel”. It is rumored, however, that he went to those tournaments for some other reason. However, his play as of recent is not as blazingly quick as it was last month.
Unfortunately he has dropped a few spots having failed expectations -- while he typically beats all of Louisiana and wins multiple melee tournaments here every week, he’s had the relatively “low” placing of third at nearly all of the events he’s been to recently. Reports indicate that this is owed to the fact that Dope gets more and more powerful the closer the date is to April 20th due to his very rare blood type of THC. As the date approaches the last week of October we might expect him to appear to slump even more but afterwards he’s sure to bounce back and win every tournament again.
9. Robert Lee
HIGH: 09
PREV: --
CHNG: NEW
Robert Lee, aka the “Smash Philosopher” of Louisiana. Known for asking mind bending questions on the Louisiana Smash thread such as “Why is there a venue fee”, “What happens if I win a tournament”, and the classic “Why bring a lot of setups”. His insatiable thirst for knowledge knows no bounds and often leads to many double posts, but in these posts he also has very insightful analysis like pointing out that it’s easier to recover in Brawl than in Melee. Due to this existential meta-knowledge of the games beyond the mere trivialities of frame data and play, he has earned himself the ninth spot on the power rank.
8. TC123
HIGH: 08
PREV: --
CHNG: NEW
Known amongst the players at LSU as the one-man boss rush, TC is most widely reputed for his ability to refuse to play his main in friendlies. The Bible itself predicted in its prophetic final book “Revelations” that the day TC played more than five games of Sheik in a row in friendlies would begin the end of all things, the rise of the Antichrist as well as the second coming of Breezus Christ.
There are plenty of theories concerning his true identity but the most prevalent seems to be that TC is actually Drake Smith from LAGG wearing a mask.
7. TaylorHJ
HIGH: 06
PREV: 06
CHNG: -1
A recent survey of Baton Rouge smashers revealed that 69% of Baton Rouge smashers agree that Taylor is getting worse at Melee. This impression was reinforced by his constant losses to Lee, who constantly beats him even with input and output lag that varies wildly between 4 minutes and 20 minutes since he is playing from Mars. One night at Rocket’s Hideout he even lost to Kenny “Southballz” “The Fox that Beat JSalt” Naka twice and got JV 3-stocked by TC. And he hasn’t even stopped smocking yet.
There are several possibilities that account for this. First, the curse of the butt pirate. There is speculation Taylor had a curse placed upon him by an angry Mexican for refusing to let him enter his manor. Secondly, the eviction of Nathaniel Fountaine from the facebook group has resulted in an incredible downswing in crime rates and without criminals, the self-proclaimed Batman is really just a crazy dude with a mask. It is entirely possible that Taylor draws his power from banning and unbanning Nathaniel from the group and without this daily ritual he is unable to find his inner fire.
But, as the first commandment says: “Thou shalt not John.”
6. Ryck “The People’s TO” Soto
HIGH: 06
PREV: --
CHNG: NEW
Ryck Soto founded the Golden Chariot Arcade as a man with a dollar and a dream, a true entrepreneur after the spirit of capitalists such as John Rockefeller, Andrew Carnegie, Milton Hershey and TCR | Jared “Curlz” Lebouef. Most recently he charged a venue fee to play friendlies after hosting the infamous Godlike series which previously featured ingenious ideas such as “Run every bracket at the same time”, “have random partner doubles instead of actual doubles”, “just kidding we’re not having that event because it’s too late” and “not having air conditioning to alleviate the smasher stank”. However he had better watch out as LAGG and company look to usurp his position of richest man in Louisiana.
5. Snuggleguy
HIGH: 05
PREV: --
CHNG: NEW
New to the Power Rank this month is Snuggleguy, a light and fluffy Michigan resident with a PhD in making stuff up. He earns this spot on the Official Louisiana Power Rank for recognizing that we are indeed the most American state, having being blessed by a large amount of liberty especially compared to the communist aspirations of Canada.
Louisiana is so free that Snuggleguy, who has never set foot in the state, is ranked here based purely off of misinformation: through extraordinary powers of persuasion he has somehow convinced the rest of the nation that Dope is the best player in Louisiana, Lee Martin no longer lives here because he's banned from tournaments and this backwards state that he’s a Fox main who makes a living being 4 stocked by Mew2King that literally anyone can beat by playing with their knees.
4. Lee Martin
HIGH: 04
PREV: 05
CHNG: +1
Honestly just an all around great guy.
3. TFG_KendrickOlimar
HIGH: 03
PREV: --
CHNG: NEW
The new Lucario main on the block, Bryce Lawson really came out of nowhere to take the number three spot on this month’s rank while working full-time at Red Lobster. Within the less than thirty days he’s been playing smash, he has already picked up a sponsorship as the premier Olimar player of TFG (TFerg Gaming) using the tag “Kendrick Olimar”. He has incredible potential, being projected to become Liquid’CT|EMP|P4K|C9 EG Crs TFG_KendrickOlimar by this time next year.
TFG_KendrickOlimar is remarkably similar to a certain someone who only listens to country music, is a valetvictorian and goes to private school.
2. Captain Zack’s Sister
HIGH: 02
PREV: --
CHNG: NEW
She’s hot and has taken the #2 spot on Captain Zack’s “Cuteness Power Rank”. Here are the raving reviews from the self-proclaimed butterface’s fans:
“I’m going to ask her for her number on stream… then she can’t possibly say no” - Anonymous
“DUDE, HER SKIN IS SO PERFECT… it’s just… omg...” - Anonymous
“Uhh dude do you need a moment” - in response to the previous quote
“Isn’t she like, 16 or 17 dude… know the rules” - someone else in response to the above two
“Captain Zack’s sister is SMOKING” - Anonymous
“Watching me play is fun, but I would not watch me play a million times over to talk to her… except I have a girlfriend already who I love very much” - TaylorHJ
“Even Brandon admits she’s hot and he’s socially awkward and is homeschooled” - Anonymous
“Okay fine she’s hot” - Magi
“I would hold her hand and buy her a coffee” - Anonymous
“Her name is Rachel” - JSalt
1. VforExtreme
HIGH: 01
PREV: --
CHNG: NEW
Topping the September 2014 Official Louisiana Power Rankings is Vaughn “VforExtreme” Venters, Zelda specialist and Retiree Extraordinaire.
Vaughn is currently the world record-holder in two new heuristics used to measure how good someone is, called SOPM (Shout Outs Per Minute) and HTPM (Horn Toots Per Minute). Prior to announcing his retirement from Singles matches his measurements in SOPM and HTPM were just above average but shortly afterwards both numbers exploded to shocking new heights.
The life of a professional horn tooter isn't easy. In a recent statement V explained, "I understand that I'm pretty much the state's low tier hero," a title I have never heard him called. Still, like the Energizer bunny, he just doesn't quit (except singles, he quit that). Having previously shouted himself out for beating Shu once with Kirby, nearly beating some other guy with Peach and declaring himself the "Gatekeeper of Goodness" we can expect to see his SOPM and HTPM increase to newfound heights in the future.
Close But No Cigar:
RuslinJimmies - One of the most flexible and slippery players in Louisiana. Capable of avoiding almost any circumstance that’s potentially damaging to his life or his wallet. You know, I was gonna put this guy on the Power Rank but then I stopped making Power Ranks and had work and stuff so I just couldn’t.
