Fatmanonice
Banned via Warnings
Link to original post: [drupal=5003]Seven Reasons You[/drupal]
*Hey guys, I know it's been awhile but I wanted to share my latest essay here. I've been writing about one essay a month since August but with three jobs and grad school, I really don't have that much time to spend online anymore thus why I've been gone since about September. I hope you all enjoy my latest musing.*
I went to bed royally annoyed last night. Before I turned everything off for the night I had been going around on Facebook and Memebase and noticed the usual amount of “nice guy” complaints that seem to over flood the internet like a backed up toilet the week before Valentine’s Day. “I’m still single because I’m a nice guy.” “Girls don’t want to date nice guys, they want bad boys.” “It’s my genes that make me practically piss myself sporadically when my crush walks by.” I went to bed but when I woke up the feelings of annoyance were still there, as if I woke up to find the Sandman about to teabag me. As I saw the singing birds and the chattering squirrels on my way to school I wished I had laser eye beams to make them explode into flaming piles of meat. I was annoyed because I was reminded of a younger me, a more naïve me. I was reminded of the person who occasionally comes back into my life, tracks dog poo on the carpet of my self-awareness, and then leaves, leaving a visible trail of butthurt in his wake as he stumbles out with teary eyes and at least half my beer. The day continued on and as I bitterly chugged my bitter coffee and wrote bitter tickets for my bitter ticket writing job I knew that as an occasionally relapsing “nice guy”, I had to say something.
I was planning on writing another essay before Valentine’s pertaining to feelings that I’ve been having about society at large since about November but, screw philosophical musings for now, this needs to be addressed. Every year I see the same types of posts and hear the same complaints from “nice guys” in real life and on the web before Valentine’s Day. “Nice guy” has basically become a crutch for anyone whose social skills are lacking. I see it in guys younger than me and guys older than me. I’m even starting to see it in girls too and as someone who pretty much wrote the book on being a “nice guy”, I can relate to how they feel but I refuse to patronize the “nice guy” epidemic. If my younger self was sitting next to me right now I’d put this essay on a wooden clipboard and break it over his head because these are things I wish I had the sense to realize back then. As the saying goes, I’m here to kick *** and vote republican, but I’m an independent so one of these actions doesn’t make a lick of sense. Neither of them do? Well then I’ll just flail my arms at the keyboard and try to create a constructive rant that will rival Thomas Paine’s “Common Sense” or at least Bill Cosby’s “Fatherhood.”
First I’d like to address the premise of what a “nice guy” is. A “nice guy” is you, if you’re single because, logically, only nice guys are single right? You could throw bowling balls at baby giraffes in your spare time (see what I did there?) and you’d still be a “nice guy” as long as you’re single. Single equals nice. Now let’s look at the other side of the spectrum. These are the guys that you spend hours into the night swearing into your pillow over. These guys are insufferable douchebags. If you were on fire they wouldn’t even pee on you to put you out but they would probably do that to your charred corpse just to spite your ghost, and then proceed to piss on it. These are the guys that are in relationships. They don’t have a name because the sheer amount of evil they generate probably disintegrated it or something equally rational. They have girlfriends and you hate them for it. Regardless of their actual character and the things they actually do, they are always “abusive”, can’t be sympathetic to save a dying kitten’s life, and utterly incapable of any sort of emotion aside from the old standbys: hungry, tired, horny, sarcastic, and RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGEEEE (not to be confused with rage). Thank God you’re not one of them, right? At least you have some social grace but perhaps the truth of the matter is that maybe you don’t have nearly as much as you think you do.
Going through my own experiences over the years where my dignity has gone through the grinder in the pursuit of love I have determined that there are basically seven things that keep people single. Perhaps I’m about to reveal more about my past than most of you would probably care to know but one of the biggest things that I’ve learned is that being able to laugh at your own mistakes genuinely helps with not drinking the Kool-Aid of “Nice Guyism.” I’d like to think of this as an open letter to a younger me and some of my guys (and girls) that I’ve run into online and offline that can’t seem to get out of this mentality that “I’m single because I’m a nice guy/good girl.” So, without anything better to do, it’s time to put on the rubber gloves and go deep.
1. They’re assertive, you’re passive. Despite popular belief, not every guy who is in a relationship is overly aggressive and not every girl that is in a relationship with said guy is overly naïve/gullible. This is one of the main pillars of “Nice Guyism.” The guy is usually imagined as an ex con who just so happens to own a chopper, leather jacket, and his own dental office. He’s probably an alcoholic who injects heroin into his eyes just because pain and suffering, even his own, are enormous turn ons for him. The girl is basically a living punching bag who magically becomes so stupid that she confuses colors with numbers when she’s around her boyfriend. He’s a tool, she’s a fool but it’s not her fault because she doesn’t know better.
If you even have the smallest shred of feminist idealology in your head, you probably wanted to knee a hole through your monitor after reading that last paragraph. It’s extremely sexist but at least the “nice guy” has pity on the girl for being such a lump. Don’t get me wrong, I’m fully aware that there are extremely abusive relationships out there and that some women do develop Stockholm/Beaten Wife syndrome but most “nice guys” interpret any relationship a girl they like has with any other guy except them as abusive. “He doesn’t understand her like I do.” Behold, the mantra of the “nice guy!” Maybe he does and maybe he doesn’t but that still doesn’t take away one, simple little thing…
He got the balls to say something before you did. While you were rehearsing a Shakespearean sonnet to say to her under a full moon in May as the night wind gentling shakes the leaves on the trees and caressed her hair that’s ever, ever so soft, he actually asked her out on a date. *Boink* He didn’t grab her like Donkey Kong and then proceed to take her to the Olive Garden, he just asked. A lot of “nice guys” don’t even get this far and they spend months and even years not being able to get the courage to even talk to a girl. That “jerk” she’s now dating is confident and assertive. You’re left dating Rosy Palm because you’re passive and insecure. You had your chance but you were too scared of maybe two minutes of awkward silence to say anything. Oppurtunity knocked while you just stood there staring at the door because “chicks are scary, man!” Being assertive doesn’t mean being pushy or rude, it simply means that you have the courage to say what you want to say and enough resolve to pick yourself up again if things don’t go according to plan.
2. You think you’re entitled to things because of your better qualities and ignore how you actually use them. Facepalm as hard as you can if you’ve ever thought this yourself or if you’ve heard someone say it. If your eyes end up flying out of your head from the sheer force of it, this only further proves my point. “I’m tall, smart, and handsome but I’m single because I’m a ‘nice guy.’” I used to tell myself this all the time in my later high school years. I’d practically look at myself in the mirror in the morning and say “I will fail epically today because I’m not a total A*hole” and then proceeded to put on my trench coat and vampire fangs. The irony of this is now as poignant as getting kicked in the balls by Optimus Prime but back then it was completely lost on me. I was tall but I usually used this to loom over people. I was handsome but I generally scowled or looked lethargic. I was smart but I rarely ever said anything and put minimal effort in the intellectual efforts that I actually pursued. I was romantic but I remained paralyzed by the fear of failure to call girls back when I got their numbers. I had all the tools there but I didn’t use them.
What’s worse than a “nice guy” who doesn’t use his better qualities? A “nice guy” who uses them in all the wrong ways. Have you ever been around someone who was incredibly smart but hardly anyone liked them at all? Of course, we all have, but that’s because egotism and intellectualism have a nasty habit of going hand in hand. “I’m smart therefore I’m entitled to talk down to you.” Heck, Einstein ran with this idea when he was alive. He openly cheated on his wife and practically bragged to her about all the amazing cocktail parties and orgies she wasn’t invited to. You know that famous picture with him sticking his tongue out? If you pan out he’s actually sitting on a throne of gold pointing at his junk with both hands while three drunk hookers are passed out at his feet. “Screw fidelity, I revolutionized physics and astronomy,” he’d say using a half dead panda cub as a hat while burning the American flag. History is full of people like this. Thomas Edison was full of himself and so was Sir Isaac Newton. LBJ and JFK pretty much ordered women to have sex with them simply because they were president. If you look at nearly anyone noteworthy from history you’ll find at least one glaring flaw about them that will nearly make you want to hate them inside and out.
People can obviously abuse their intelligence to no end but people can also do it with other qualities. If you spend most of your time calling people ******* because you tower over them, you probably deserve to have your legs cut off at the knee cap. If you avoid “ugly” people because you think they taint the perfection that is your radiant face, congrats, you’re spectacularly shallow and probably deserve to be alone. You may have the qualities that would make you the “perfect boyfriend” but if you trounce around with some sort of God complex over them then chances are that you are a lot more socially inept that you’d care to admit.
3. You interpret “alone right now” as “forever alone.” The Forever Alone Guy is pretty infamous across the internet. For those of you who don’t know who he is, he’s a man with a horribly misshapen face that forever bemoans the fact that he has no friends and/or is single. He’ll usually be depicted in comics doing things that fans of his do themselves and won’t openly admit to like staying home to watch TV marathons instead of going out and rejoicing in the fact that people even know his name despite the fact that he barely ever talks and has no social life. He is your typical “nice guy” in every sense of the word. It’s pathetic but that’s what makes it so funny. He’s basically Charlie Brown as a teenager/adult and the world laughs as virtually everything he touches turns to suck. His “catch phrase” is “forever alone…” as he quietly cries his eyes out over minor blunders.
Forever Alone Guy is basically the patron saint of “nice guys” everywhere. Much like a ghost, he has the ability to possess “nice guys” and make them “forever alone guys” too. Watch “When Harry Met Sally” by yourself? Congrats, you’re now the Forever Alone Guy. Get turned down for a date? Forever alone. Buy a box of valentine chocolates for your mom? Once again, you’re forever alone. It’s meant to be a hyperbole but a lot of “nice guys” seem to interpret this as how reality really works. If you mess up or do anything that’s even slightly socially awkward, you’re forever alone.
What a lot of “nice guys” don’t seem to realize is just how freakin’ long forever is. The average American lifespan is quickly approaching the late seventies with advances in medical technology. I’ve personally been single for eight years and that’s only a 1/10th of my life if I live to be 80. If my life were an hour, that would be about six minutes which is probably about the amount of time it takes to boil a pan of water. Whoop-de-frickin’-doo. I can make spaghetti in about 15 minutes if I’m pressed for time. Think of it like if life were a lunch break. Are you going to tell me that I’m entitled to think I’m going to be “forever hungry” because I didn’t get to eat for the first quarter of my lunch break and actually had to have some degree of patience to not just give up entirely? Heck, if you’re that impatient I guess that’s what hookers are for but I think most people will be just fine in the end even if they even go as long as a decade without dating someone.
4. You interpret missed opportunities as the only opportunities. This may sound a lot like number 3 but it’s not. Number 3 dealt with people not grasping that life is longer than anything else you’ll ever do (even waiting to renew your driver’s license at the DMV or your least favorite sibling’s wedding) while this one deals with never getting over past mistakes. Once again, this was me and is still me to some degree, you see. If I were to add up all the time that I’ve spent being single, I’d say that four of the eight years were spent wondering “what if” and overanalyzing mistakes that I made. If my thoughts from those times could be turned into sheets of paper, I would have two volumes of encyclopedias with first being titled “Piss” and the other being “Moan.” Looking back on it, that’s all it really was, pissing and moaning. It’s like the sun was in my eyes so I decided that the best solution was to lie on my back and stare at it until it developed self-awareness and decided to dim itself out of common courtesy. Don’t get me wrong, reflection is a one of the best ways to learn about the world but it’s useless without insight. It’s like if you were staring at a zit in the mirror and just stood there gawking at it as it mocked you with its pus-sy bulgy-ness. (“Ah-bleh-bleh-bleh” is the sound I imagine zits would make if they could talk.)
So congratulations, you messed up royally. The girl you were interested is not interested in you, creeped out by you, or possibly dead because of your actions. You now have to deal with an awkward moment, an awkward class together, or an awkward funeral. What do you do now? You can go crawl in a hole and die. You could drown yourself in self-pity. You can starve yourself from social interaction until the awkwardness goes away. They say that death is the final solution but I think there’s a better alternative. What you need to become is a love zombie. Blow a zombie’s leg off, it’ll still keep crawling towards you. Blow a zombie’s jaw off and the stupid pugnut will still want to eat your brains. That’s the sort of resolve that you need.
What should be noted is that zombies aren’t necessarily stalkers. If they see a target, they’ll only stay with it if there isn’t anything else because otherwise it’s counterproductive. You’re going after a person and then you stumble upon another person with an injured leg. Who’s the better target? If this sounds like a predator and prey situation, you’d be right. Love and dating are largely like this. You go out with a certain person in mind and try to “catch them.” Put in this context it sounds deliciously creepy but that’s simply the basic mechanics of it. Hunting is about seizing opportunities and not having tunnel vision when a better offer comes along. It’s about knowing when to give up and knowing that tomorrow is another day. You can wait your whole life waiting for “Ms/Mr. Perfect” instead of actually looking at the people around you who are available. You can lurch all you want but you’re never going to catch that chick on the motorcycle with a double barrel shotgun, moltalv cocktails, and double D bust. That cute brunette with the gaping neck wound who you used to share an American Politics class with before you became a zombie on the other hand…
5. You turn minor flaws about yourself into crippling weaknesses. I think one of the most tedious things to sit through is someone who’s complaining about how ugly or fat they think they are. Maybe they are fat, maybe they are ugly, or maybe they are slammed with the double whammy, double stuffed Oreo of being both fat and ugly but it’s really tiresome to listen to people tear their self-esteems apart over these things. Suddenly every pratfall they’ve ever experienced ends up becoming about one or two characteristics. “I’m single because I’m fat.” “I’m unmotivated because I’m ugly.” “I’m socially awkward because I’m fat.” “I’m irresponsible because I’m ugly.” So, in the entire world there’s no such thing as a fat/ugly person who’s in a relationship, motivated, responsible, and/or can carry on a conversation without complaining about their weight or how they look? I have relatives who look like you put corn chowder in a paper bag and slapped it against a wall a couple of times who have been married for decades and you’re trying to tell me that it’s impossible for you to find love?
One of the complaints that really gets to me though is when people complain about being shy. It’s the main emotion of “nice guys” and if they’re not complaining about their appearance or “how nice they are”, they’re complaining about this. Don’t get me wrong, social anxiety is a very real thing but there are ways around it. If you remain cripplingly shy it’s probably because you’ve decided to act like that there is nothing you can do about it. “I’m shy because of my genes.” This is true to some degree. In my opinion, shyness is an evolutionary trait that keeps you from doing really, really stupid stuff and protects you to some degree. If you’re shy, you’re probably going to think twice about picking a fight with another guy who is interested in the same girl you are who could probably mushroom stamp railroad spikes through concrete walls. If you’re shy, you’re probably going to avoid the girls that would straddle your face like an equally squishy squid if you gave them a quarter. Based on my own experiences in high school, I was probably spared hospital trips and a KFC bucket full of STDs because I was shy and thus was able to act rationally even when the potential social payout for acting like a brainless moron was huge. Despite being able to effectively dodge more obvious bullets, there’s a point where “nice guys” have to realize there’s a point that can be crossed where being shy stops protecting you and starts hindering you.
There are worse things than being fat, ugly, or shy with three of those things being indecisive, self-defeating, and detached to form the worst thing that a person can possibly be: salty/bitter/butthurt. When you radiate negativity it starts affecting the people around you and they start to resent you for it. There are real problems in the world and your love handles aren’t nearly as huge compared to them. They are problems but they can be overcome. My nose is crooked and it has a mole that strongly resembles a brown M&M but this doesn’t make me stay home on Friday nights. I have the figure of an anorexic teenage girl but this doesn’t stop me from meeting new people. I’m not suggesting to always be so positive that you piss golden rays of sunshine but to save negativity and strong self-criticism for real problems which leads me to reason number 6…
6. You psychoanalyze the smallest details about people but never turn the lens on your glaring flaws. This was me a thousand times over. I still psychoanalyze quite a bit (I am studying to become a counselor, after all) but despite my habit of trying to read people like books, I never bothered to check out my own autobiography. It would sit on my bed while I would write dissertation sized critiques about girls I was potentially interested in. It went untouched when I was racist in middle school and it went untouched when I was cuttingly sarcastic in my early college years. It really wasn’t until early 2009 that I started to thumb through the pages and started to see the stone walls that I kept slamming my head into over and over again like some derpy eyed woodpecker. I blamed my social failings on the wrong things and the wrong people and when I started to read the book instead of just skimming it I was forced to kneel in front of an assembly lie and be force fed an uncomfortable amount of humble pie.
At this point I want to point out some things that some “nice guys/girls” I know have done that turn people away from them that they seem to be totally oblivious about. “Nice guy #1,” nobody wants to hear about your porn collection… ever. I don’t care if you think tentacle **** and bukkake are hilarious; nobody wants to hear about it. “Nice guy #2,” you don’t come to a party to sit alone on the couch and surf the internet on your laptop. I once played through the entirety of Sonic the Hedgehog 2 in the middle of a party and, looking back, it was one of the most pathetic moments of my life. “Nice girl #1,” getting drunk to the point of alcohol poisoning just so that you have the courage to be social is not a smart route to go and it’s especially not smart when you do this at virtually every party you go to. “Nice guy # 3,” commenting on your crush’s Facebook pictures that are several years old is as creepy as all get out. Those “longing looks of love” that you give girls from across the lunch table give them the impression that you want to bend them over that table. “Nice Girl #2”, why do you sew when people are trying to talk to you? Yes, that scarf that’s as long as my intestines is impressive but immersing yourself in your hobby will not help with your shyness. “Guy typing this essay,” show some emotion for God’s sake. As much as you want to be, you are not the Goddamn Batman or Doctor Strange.
Sometimes I feel that the problems that we overlook the most are the ones that we are secretly the most embarrassed to admit to. “Yes, I smell like cheese.” “Yes, I’m an enormous creeper whose actions mirror Jack Torrance from the Shining.” “Yes, I have a habit of touching people’s faces and not being able to keep my hands to myself.” “Yes, I’m extremely dogmatic and I believe everybody is stupid but me.” “Yes, I have a tendency to run away when I feel claustrophobic.” “Yes, virtually everything that tumbles out of my mouth is so sarcastic that I have even made people cry from it.” “Yes, being a smoker has cost me more than my health.” “Yes, I write My Little Pony clop fiction and illustrate them with eye bleach worthy pictures too.” “Yes, I’m extremely needy and feel neglected when people don’t give their full undivided attention to me.” Aren’t you glad you let that all out? Now that all those things are out on the table, what are you going to do about them?
7. You have grossly unrealistic expectations for love. Think of the word “love” for a moment and what comes to mind? Did you think of something so sugary sweet that William Brimley would scowl at you for it? Did you think of something momentously disastrous like spending years watching your crush date other guys and trying to conceal awkward boners until your late 40’s? If you’re a “nice guy” you probably see love as either euphoric or dystopian and both scenarios come with immeasurable amounts of delusion. I’ve already covered the negative side so I think I’ll now largely address the other side of the spectrum. What is love? Love is subjective and it is something that virtually everyone takes a stab at defining around this time of year. Some people have general ideas on what they believe love is but “nice guys” basically have the whole thing mapped out like it was a scientific theory.
There are two things that “nice guys” tend to map out long before they even become interested in a person: what they want the person to be like and how they think the relationship should play out. Let me pretend to be the typical “nice guy” fan fiction writer for a moment. Our story begins with your typical “nice guy” at the zoo. A beautiful maiden with a mesomorph body frame, long blonde hair, green eyes shining behind glasses, a laugh that makes flowers bloom, and cat ears stands in front of the alligator pit as a spring breeze blows her hair and reveals an Autobot insignia on the back of her neck. Suddenly her class ring slips off her dainty fingers and falls into the pit. She looks on in despair but with the “nice guy’s” super powers of empathy and being available, he dives in. As he proceeds to punch each and every alligator in the throat, he successfully retrieves the ring. The maiden is smitten and the two introduce themselves. After five minutes of surprisingly non awkward conversation, she reveals that she has also memorized “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-a-Long Blog” from beginning to finish and that, she too, is also an enormous fan of Dr. Who and reveals the sonic screwdriver that she keeps in her Totoro backpack. She also reveals that she is also lactose intolerant and also writes Hentalia fan fiction in her spare time. It’s a match made in Heaven and the two embrace lovingly as people stop to applaud and Whitney Houston makes a guest appearance to belt out “I Will Always Love You” as fireworks explode overhead in broad daylight. (Lik dis if u cry evrtim.) Yes, I just wrote a better love story than Twilight in about 10 minutes but no, that doesn’t mean that it was a good one (although a movie is already in the works called “Alligator Pit of My Heart”).
One of the best kept secrets about love that’s perfectly out in the open is that there is no such thing as a “soul mate” or a “perfect relationship.” There will always be ups and downs. Some days it is like heaven and other days it is like spilling hot coffee on white pants and being given a towel made of LEGOs to dry yourself off. There will be cuddling but there will also be arguments. There will be days when her face is as shining as crystal and other days when she has morning breath and crows’ feet. Love is what you make it and if you have made it into a fairy tale then you’ll never have it. What a lot of “nice guys” don’t seem to get is that the “perfect love” will not just come and nudge you while you’re on the couch and drive you to White Castles for a midnight Slider run, you have to go out and try to find it and, when you actually do find love, you have to work at it to make it work and keep it going. Planning ahead and having standards is well and good but if your idea of love is more like a bad piece of fan fiction, then it shows that you really don’t have all that much real life experience. Stand up straight, stick your chest out, walk out that door and go write your own love story.
I hope you enjoyed this crash course through the wonderful world of self-criticism. How do you feel about yourself right now? I feel awesome letting out one of the biggest rants I’ve written in about four years but chances are you probably feel like a whiny pile of crap whom euthanasia is too good for but, if you took all that I said to heart, these feelings will pass and you’ll be better for it. Trust me, I had to go through the same thing and I still have some problems with number 4 and number 6. Being a “nice guy” is a lot like being a recovering alcoholic and if you don’t monitor your thoughts and actions you’ll soon find yourself falling off the wagon and landing in a pile of tissues wet with varying bodily fluids. One of the hardest parts of being on the road to recovery is admitting that, although you might be a nice guy, you’re only a “nice guy” because of thoughts and behaviors that you find yourself going back to again and again.
Maybe one of the best things that I ever did for myself happened about three years ago when I stood up and said “no more Mr. Nice Guy.” Doing this allowed me to become more self-aware and, you know, actually TRY to find a girl. I openly admit that even since then I have goofed a lot and, yes, I am still single. I have turned down girls after learning more about them but at least I’ve gone out there instead of spending the weekends in my apartment singing a “nice guy” version of “Maybe” from “Annie” to myself as I watch reruns on Adult Swim until 4 or 5 in the morning. As the old saying goes, “Nice guys finish last” because “nice guys” are typically doormats who have taken to the niche so well that they even step on themselves. If you thought this whole thing was wholly exhaustive and want an abridged version, here it is: Be confident but not cocky. Be assertive but not aggressive. Be honest with yourself and keep your expectations realistic. A little self-criticism never hurt anyone but a lot can. Love is a journey, not a destination. If Hitler could find love, so can you. There are worse things than being alone and you have your whole life ahead of you. Pay attention to both your strengths and weaknesses but don’t lose yourself in either. Roll up your sleeves and pull up your pants, exclaim “Carpe Diem” and take a chance. Peace, I’m out… Happy Valentine’s Day.
Fatmanonice, February 9th, 2012
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.”- Dr. Seuss
“What a man can be, he must be. This need we call self-actualization.”- Abraham Maslow
“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”- Bill Cosby
*Hey guys, I know it's been awhile but I wanted to share my latest essay here. I've been writing about one essay a month since August but with three jobs and grad school, I really don't have that much time to spend online anymore thus why I've been gone since about September. I hope you all enjoy my latest musing.*
I went to bed royally annoyed last night. Before I turned everything off for the night I had been going around on Facebook and Memebase and noticed the usual amount of “nice guy” complaints that seem to over flood the internet like a backed up toilet the week before Valentine’s Day. “I’m still single because I’m a nice guy.” “Girls don’t want to date nice guys, they want bad boys.” “It’s my genes that make me practically piss myself sporadically when my crush walks by.” I went to bed but when I woke up the feelings of annoyance were still there, as if I woke up to find the Sandman about to teabag me. As I saw the singing birds and the chattering squirrels on my way to school I wished I had laser eye beams to make them explode into flaming piles of meat. I was annoyed because I was reminded of a younger me, a more naïve me. I was reminded of the person who occasionally comes back into my life, tracks dog poo on the carpet of my self-awareness, and then leaves, leaving a visible trail of butthurt in his wake as he stumbles out with teary eyes and at least half my beer. The day continued on and as I bitterly chugged my bitter coffee and wrote bitter tickets for my bitter ticket writing job I knew that as an occasionally relapsing “nice guy”, I had to say something.
I was planning on writing another essay before Valentine’s pertaining to feelings that I’ve been having about society at large since about November but, screw philosophical musings for now, this needs to be addressed. Every year I see the same types of posts and hear the same complaints from “nice guys” in real life and on the web before Valentine’s Day. “Nice guy” has basically become a crutch for anyone whose social skills are lacking. I see it in guys younger than me and guys older than me. I’m even starting to see it in girls too and as someone who pretty much wrote the book on being a “nice guy”, I can relate to how they feel but I refuse to patronize the “nice guy” epidemic. If my younger self was sitting next to me right now I’d put this essay on a wooden clipboard and break it over his head because these are things I wish I had the sense to realize back then. As the saying goes, I’m here to kick *** and vote republican, but I’m an independent so one of these actions doesn’t make a lick of sense. Neither of them do? Well then I’ll just flail my arms at the keyboard and try to create a constructive rant that will rival Thomas Paine’s “Common Sense” or at least Bill Cosby’s “Fatherhood.”
First I’d like to address the premise of what a “nice guy” is. A “nice guy” is you, if you’re single because, logically, only nice guys are single right? You could throw bowling balls at baby giraffes in your spare time (see what I did there?) and you’d still be a “nice guy” as long as you’re single. Single equals nice. Now let’s look at the other side of the spectrum. These are the guys that you spend hours into the night swearing into your pillow over. These guys are insufferable douchebags. If you were on fire they wouldn’t even pee on you to put you out but they would probably do that to your charred corpse just to spite your ghost, and then proceed to piss on it. These are the guys that are in relationships. They don’t have a name because the sheer amount of evil they generate probably disintegrated it or something equally rational. They have girlfriends and you hate them for it. Regardless of their actual character and the things they actually do, they are always “abusive”, can’t be sympathetic to save a dying kitten’s life, and utterly incapable of any sort of emotion aside from the old standbys: hungry, tired, horny, sarcastic, and RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGEEEE (not to be confused with rage). Thank God you’re not one of them, right? At least you have some social grace but perhaps the truth of the matter is that maybe you don’t have nearly as much as you think you do.
Going through my own experiences over the years where my dignity has gone through the grinder in the pursuit of love I have determined that there are basically seven things that keep people single. Perhaps I’m about to reveal more about my past than most of you would probably care to know but one of the biggest things that I’ve learned is that being able to laugh at your own mistakes genuinely helps with not drinking the Kool-Aid of “Nice Guyism.” I’d like to think of this as an open letter to a younger me and some of my guys (and girls) that I’ve run into online and offline that can’t seem to get out of this mentality that “I’m single because I’m a nice guy/good girl.” So, without anything better to do, it’s time to put on the rubber gloves and go deep.
1. They’re assertive, you’re passive. Despite popular belief, not every guy who is in a relationship is overly aggressive and not every girl that is in a relationship with said guy is overly naïve/gullible. This is one of the main pillars of “Nice Guyism.” The guy is usually imagined as an ex con who just so happens to own a chopper, leather jacket, and his own dental office. He’s probably an alcoholic who injects heroin into his eyes just because pain and suffering, even his own, are enormous turn ons for him. The girl is basically a living punching bag who magically becomes so stupid that she confuses colors with numbers when she’s around her boyfriend. He’s a tool, she’s a fool but it’s not her fault because she doesn’t know better.
If you even have the smallest shred of feminist idealology in your head, you probably wanted to knee a hole through your monitor after reading that last paragraph. It’s extremely sexist but at least the “nice guy” has pity on the girl for being such a lump. Don’t get me wrong, I’m fully aware that there are extremely abusive relationships out there and that some women do develop Stockholm/Beaten Wife syndrome but most “nice guys” interpret any relationship a girl they like has with any other guy except them as abusive. “He doesn’t understand her like I do.” Behold, the mantra of the “nice guy!” Maybe he does and maybe he doesn’t but that still doesn’t take away one, simple little thing…
He got the balls to say something before you did. While you were rehearsing a Shakespearean sonnet to say to her under a full moon in May as the night wind gentling shakes the leaves on the trees and caressed her hair that’s ever, ever so soft, he actually asked her out on a date. *Boink* He didn’t grab her like Donkey Kong and then proceed to take her to the Olive Garden, he just asked. A lot of “nice guys” don’t even get this far and they spend months and even years not being able to get the courage to even talk to a girl. That “jerk” she’s now dating is confident and assertive. You’re left dating Rosy Palm because you’re passive and insecure. You had your chance but you were too scared of maybe two minutes of awkward silence to say anything. Oppurtunity knocked while you just stood there staring at the door because “chicks are scary, man!” Being assertive doesn’t mean being pushy or rude, it simply means that you have the courage to say what you want to say and enough resolve to pick yourself up again if things don’t go according to plan.
2. You think you’re entitled to things because of your better qualities and ignore how you actually use them. Facepalm as hard as you can if you’ve ever thought this yourself or if you’ve heard someone say it. If your eyes end up flying out of your head from the sheer force of it, this only further proves my point. “I’m tall, smart, and handsome but I’m single because I’m a ‘nice guy.’” I used to tell myself this all the time in my later high school years. I’d practically look at myself in the mirror in the morning and say “I will fail epically today because I’m not a total A*hole” and then proceeded to put on my trench coat and vampire fangs. The irony of this is now as poignant as getting kicked in the balls by Optimus Prime but back then it was completely lost on me. I was tall but I usually used this to loom over people. I was handsome but I generally scowled or looked lethargic. I was smart but I rarely ever said anything and put minimal effort in the intellectual efforts that I actually pursued. I was romantic but I remained paralyzed by the fear of failure to call girls back when I got their numbers. I had all the tools there but I didn’t use them.
What’s worse than a “nice guy” who doesn’t use his better qualities? A “nice guy” who uses them in all the wrong ways. Have you ever been around someone who was incredibly smart but hardly anyone liked them at all? Of course, we all have, but that’s because egotism and intellectualism have a nasty habit of going hand in hand. “I’m smart therefore I’m entitled to talk down to you.” Heck, Einstein ran with this idea when he was alive. He openly cheated on his wife and practically bragged to her about all the amazing cocktail parties and orgies she wasn’t invited to. You know that famous picture with him sticking his tongue out? If you pan out he’s actually sitting on a throne of gold pointing at his junk with both hands while three drunk hookers are passed out at his feet. “Screw fidelity, I revolutionized physics and astronomy,” he’d say using a half dead panda cub as a hat while burning the American flag. History is full of people like this. Thomas Edison was full of himself and so was Sir Isaac Newton. LBJ and JFK pretty much ordered women to have sex with them simply because they were president. If you look at nearly anyone noteworthy from history you’ll find at least one glaring flaw about them that will nearly make you want to hate them inside and out.
People can obviously abuse their intelligence to no end but people can also do it with other qualities. If you spend most of your time calling people ******* because you tower over them, you probably deserve to have your legs cut off at the knee cap. If you avoid “ugly” people because you think they taint the perfection that is your radiant face, congrats, you’re spectacularly shallow and probably deserve to be alone. You may have the qualities that would make you the “perfect boyfriend” but if you trounce around with some sort of God complex over them then chances are that you are a lot more socially inept that you’d care to admit.
3. You interpret “alone right now” as “forever alone.” The Forever Alone Guy is pretty infamous across the internet. For those of you who don’t know who he is, he’s a man with a horribly misshapen face that forever bemoans the fact that he has no friends and/or is single. He’ll usually be depicted in comics doing things that fans of his do themselves and won’t openly admit to like staying home to watch TV marathons instead of going out and rejoicing in the fact that people even know his name despite the fact that he barely ever talks and has no social life. He is your typical “nice guy” in every sense of the word. It’s pathetic but that’s what makes it so funny. He’s basically Charlie Brown as a teenager/adult and the world laughs as virtually everything he touches turns to suck. His “catch phrase” is “forever alone…” as he quietly cries his eyes out over minor blunders.
Forever Alone Guy is basically the patron saint of “nice guys” everywhere. Much like a ghost, he has the ability to possess “nice guys” and make them “forever alone guys” too. Watch “When Harry Met Sally” by yourself? Congrats, you’re now the Forever Alone Guy. Get turned down for a date? Forever alone. Buy a box of valentine chocolates for your mom? Once again, you’re forever alone. It’s meant to be a hyperbole but a lot of “nice guys” seem to interpret this as how reality really works. If you mess up or do anything that’s even slightly socially awkward, you’re forever alone.
What a lot of “nice guys” don’t seem to realize is just how freakin’ long forever is. The average American lifespan is quickly approaching the late seventies with advances in medical technology. I’ve personally been single for eight years and that’s only a 1/10th of my life if I live to be 80. If my life were an hour, that would be about six minutes which is probably about the amount of time it takes to boil a pan of water. Whoop-de-frickin’-doo. I can make spaghetti in about 15 minutes if I’m pressed for time. Think of it like if life were a lunch break. Are you going to tell me that I’m entitled to think I’m going to be “forever hungry” because I didn’t get to eat for the first quarter of my lunch break and actually had to have some degree of patience to not just give up entirely? Heck, if you’re that impatient I guess that’s what hookers are for but I think most people will be just fine in the end even if they even go as long as a decade without dating someone.
4. You interpret missed opportunities as the only opportunities. This may sound a lot like number 3 but it’s not. Number 3 dealt with people not grasping that life is longer than anything else you’ll ever do (even waiting to renew your driver’s license at the DMV or your least favorite sibling’s wedding) while this one deals with never getting over past mistakes. Once again, this was me and is still me to some degree, you see. If I were to add up all the time that I’ve spent being single, I’d say that four of the eight years were spent wondering “what if” and overanalyzing mistakes that I made. If my thoughts from those times could be turned into sheets of paper, I would have two volumes of encyclopedias with first being titled “Piss” and the other being “Moan.” Looking back on it, that’s all it really was, pissing and moaning. It’s like the sun was in my eyes so I decided that the best solution was to lie on my back and stare at it until it developed self-awareness and decided to dim itself out of common courtesy. Don’t get me wrong, reflection is a one of the best ways to learn about the world but it’s useless without insight. It’s like if you were staring at a zit in the mirror and just stood there gawking at it as it mocked you with its pus-sy bulgy-ness. (“Ah-bleh-bleh-bleh” is the sound I imagine zits would make if they could talk.)
So congratulations, you messed up royally. The girl you were interested is not interested in you, creeped out by you, or possibly dead because of your actions. You now have to deal with an awkward moment, an awkward class together, or an awkward funeral. What do you do now? You can go crawl in a hole and die. You could drown yourself in self-pity. You can starve yourself from social interaction until the awkwardness goes away. They say that death is the final solution but I think there’s a better alternative. What you need to become is a love zombie. Blow a zombie’s leg off, it’ll still keep crawling towards you. Blow a zombie’s jaw off and the stupid pugnut will still want to eat your brains. That’s the sort of resolve that you need.
What should be noted is that zombies aren’t necessarily stalkers. If they see a target, they’ll only stay with it if there isn’t anything else because otherwise it’s counterproductive. You’re going after a person and then you stumble upon another person with an injured leg. Who’s the better target? If this sounds like a predator and prey situation, you’d be right. Love and dating are largely like this. You go out with a certain person in mind and try to “catch them.” Put in this context it sounds deliciously creepy but that’s simply the basic mechanics of it. Hunting is about seizing opportunities and not having tunnel vision when a better offer comes along. It’s about knowing when to give up and knowing that tomorrow is another day. You can wait your whole life waiting for “Ms/Mr. Perfect” instead of actually looking at the people around you who are available. You can lurch all you want but you’re never going to catch that chick on the motorcycle with a double barrel shotgun, moltalv cocktails, and double D bust. That cute brunette with the gaping neck wound who you used to share an American Politics class with before you became a zombie on the other hand…
5. You turn minor flaws about yourself into crippling weaknesses. I think one of the most tedious things to sit through is someone who’s complaining about how ugly or fat they think they are. Maybe they are fat, maybe they are ugly, or maybe they are slammed with the double whammy, double stuffed Oreo of being both fat and ugly but it’s really tiresome to listen to people tear their self-esteems apart over these things. Suddenly every pratfall they’ve ever experienced ends up becoming about one or two characteristics. “I’m single because I’m fat.” “I’m unmotivated because I’m ugly.” “I’m socially awkward because I’m fat.” “I’m irresponsible because I’m ugly.” So, in the entire world there’s no such thing as a fat/ugly person who’s in a relationship, motivated, responsible, and/or can carry on a conversation without complaining about their weight or how they look? I have relatives who look like you put corn chowder in a paper bag and slapped it against a wall a couple of times who have been married for decades and you’re trying to tell me that it’s impossible for you to find love?
One of the complaints that really gets to me though is when people complain about being shy. It’s the main emotion of “nice guys” and if they’re not complaining about their appearance or “how nice they are”, they’re complaining about this. Don’t get me wrong, social anxiety is a very real thing but there are ways around it. If you remain cripplingly shy it’s probably because you’ve decided to act like that there is nothing you can do about it. “I’m shy because of my genes.” This is true to some degree. In my opinion, shyness is an evolutionary trait that keeps you from doing really, really stupid stuff and protects you to some degree. If you’re shy, you’re probably going to think twice about picking a fight with another guy who is interested in the same girl you are who could probably mushroom stamp railroad spikes through concrete walls. If you’re shy, you’re probably going to avoid the girls that would straddle your face like an equally squishy squid if you gave them a quarter. Based on my own experiences in high school, I was probably spared hospital trips and a KFC bucket full of STDs because I was shy and thus was able to act rationally even when the potential social payout for acting like a brainless moron was huge. Despite being able to effectively dodge more obvious bullets, there’s a point where “nice guys” have to realize there’s a point that can be crossed where being shy stops protecting you and starts hindering you.
There are worse things than being fat, ugly, or shy with three of those things being indecisive, self-defeating, and detached to form the worst thing that a person can possibly be: salty/bitter/butthurt. When you radiate negativity it starts affecting the people around you and they start to resent you for it. There are real problems in the world and your love handles aren’t nearly as huge compared to them. They are problems but they can be overcome. My nose is crooked and it has a mole that strongly resembles a brown M&M but this doesn’t make me stay home on Friday nights. I have the figure of an anorexic teenage girl but this doesn’t stop me from meeting new people. I’m not suggesting to always be so positive that you piss golden rays of sunshine but to save negativity and strong self-criticism for real problems which leads me to reason number 6…
6. You psychoanalyze the smallest details about people but never turn the lens on your glaring flaws. This was me a thousand times over. I still psychoanalyze quite a bit (I am studying to become a counselor, after all) but despite my habit of trying to read people like books, I never bothered to check out my own autobiography. It would sit on my bed while I would write dissertation sized critiques about girls I was potentially interested in. It went untouched when I was racist in middle school and it went untouched when I was cuttingly sarcastic in my early college years. It really wasn’t until early 2009 that I started to thumb through the pages and started to see the stone walls that I kept slamming my head into over and over again like some derpy eyed woodpecker. I blamed my social failings on the wrong things and the wrong people and when I started to read the book instead of just skimming it I was forced to kneel in front of an assembly lie and be force fed an uncomfortable amount of humble pie.
At this point I want to point out some things that some “nice guys/girls” I know have done that turn people away from them that they seem to be totally oblivious about. “Nice guy #1,” nobody wants to hear about your porn collection… ever. I don’t care if you think tentacle **** and bukkake are hilarious; nobody wants to hear about it. “Nice guy #2,” you don’t come to a party to sit alone on the couch and surf the internet on your laptop. I once played through the entirety of Sonic the Hedgehog 2 in the middle of a party and, looking back, it was one of the most pathetic moments of my life. “Nice girl #1,” getting drunk to the point of alcohol poisoning just so that you have the courage to be social is not a smart route to go and it’s especially not smart when you do this at virtually every party you go to. “Nice guy # 3,” commenting on your crush’s Facebook pictures that are several years old is as creepy as all get out. Those “longing looks of love” that you give girls from across the lunch table give them the impression that you want to bend them over that table. “Nice Girl #2”, why do you sew when people are trying to talk to you? Yes, that scarf that’s as long as my intestines is impressive but immersing yourself in your hobby will not help with your shyness. “Guy typing this essay,” show some emotion for God’s sake. As much as you want to be, you are not the Goddamn Batman or Doctor Strange.
Sometimes I feel that the problems that we overlook the most are the ones that we are secretly the most embarrassed to admit to. “Yes, I smell like cheese.” “Yes, I’m an enormous creeper whose actions mirror Jack Torrance from the Shining.” “Yes, I have a habit of touching people’s faces and not being able to keep my hands to myself.” “Yes, I’m extremely dogmatic and I believe everybody is stupid but me.” “Yes, I have a tendency to run away when I feel claustrophobic.” “Yes, virtually everything that tumbles out of my mouth is so sarcastic that I have even made people cry from it.” “Yes, being a smoker has cost me more than my health.” “Yes, I write My Little Pony clop fiction and illustrate them with eye bleach worthy pictures too.” “Yes, I’m extremely needy and feel neglected when people don’t give their full undivided attention to me.” Aren’t you glad you let that all out? Now that all those things are out on the table, what are you going to do about them?
7. You have grossly unrealistic expectations for love. Think of the word “love” for a moment and what comes to mind? Did you think of something so sugary sweet that William Brimley would scowl at you for it? Did you think of something momentously disastrous like spending years watching your crush date other guys and trying to conceal awkward boners until your late 40’s? If you’re a “nice guy” you probably see love as either euphoric or dystopian and both scenarios come with immeasurable amounts of delusion. I’ve already covered the negative side so I think I’ll now largely address the other side of the spectrum. What is love? Love is subjective and it is something that virtually everyone takes a stab at defining around this time of year. Some people have general ideas on what they believe love is but “nice guys” basically have the whole thing mapped out like it was a scientific theory.
There are two things that “nice guys” tend to map out long before they even become interested in a person: what they want the person to be like and how they think the relationship should play out. Let me pretend to be the typical “nice guy” fan fiction writer for a moment. Our story begins with your typical “nice guy” at the zoo. A beautiful maiden with a mesomorph body frame, long blonde hair, green eyes shining behind glasses, a laugh that makes flowers bloom, and cat ears stands in front of the alligator pit as a spring breeze blows her hair and reveals an Autobot insignia on the back of her neck. Suddenly her class ring slips off her dainty fingers and falls into the pit. She looks on in despair but with the “nice guy’s” super powers of empathy and being available, he dives in. As he proceeds to punch each and every alligator in the throat, he successfully retrieves the ring. The maiden is smitten and the two introduce themselves. After five minutes of surprisingly non awkward conversation, she reveals that she has also memorized “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-a-Long Blog” from beginning to finish and that, she too, is also an enormous fan of Dr. Who and reveals the sonic screwdriver that she keeps in her Totoro backpack. She also reveals that she is also lactose intolerant and also writes Hentalia fan fiction in her spare time. It’s a match made in Heaven and the two embrace lovingly as people stop to applaud and Whitney Houston makes a guest appearance to belt out “I Will Always Love You” as fireworks explode overhead in broad daylight. (Lik dis if u cry evrtim.) Yes, I just wrote a better love story than Twilight in about 10 minutes but no, that doesn’t mean that it was a good one (although a movie is already in the works called “Alligator Pit of My Heart”).
One of the best kept secrets about love that’s perfectly out in the open is that there is no such thing as a “soul mate” or a “perfect relationship.” There will always be ups and downs. Some days it is like heaven and other days it is like spilling hot coffee on white pants and being given a towel made of LEGOs to dry yourself off. There will be cuddling but there will also be arguments. There will be days when her face is as shining as crystal and other days when she has morning breath and crows’ feet. Love is what you make it and if you have made it into a fairy tale then you’ll never have it. What a lot of “nice guys” don’t seem to get is that the “perfect love” will not just come and nudge you while you’re on the couch and drive you to White Castles for a midnight Slider run, you have to go out and try to find it and, when you actually do find love, you have to work at it to make it work and keep it going. Planning ahead and having standards is well and good but if your idea of love is more like a bad piece of fan fiction, then it shows that you really don’t have all that much real life experience. Stand up straight, stick your chest out, walk out that door and go write your own love story.
I hope you enjoyed this crash course through the wonderful world of self-criticism. How do you feel about yourself right now? I feel awesome letting out one of the biggest rants I’ve written in about four years but chances are you probably feel like a whiny pile of crap whom euthanasia is too good for but, if you took all that I said to heart, these feelings will pass and you’ll be better for it. Trust me, I had to go through the same thing and I still have some problems with number 4 and number 6. Being a “nice guy” is a lot like being a recovering alcoholic and if you don’t monitor your thoughts and actions you’ll soon find yourself falling off the wagon and landing in a pile of tissues wet with varying bodily fluids. One of the hardest parts of being on the road to recovery is admitting that, although you might be a nice guy, you’re only a “nice guy” because of thoughts and behaviors that you find yourself going back to again and again.
Maybe one of the best things that I ever did for myself happened about three years ago when I stood up and said “no more Mr. Nice Guy.” Doing this allowed me to become more self-aware and, you know, actually TRY to find a girl. I openly admit that even since then I have goofed a lot and, yes, I am still single. I have turned down girls after learning more about them but at least I’ve gone out there instead of spending the weekends in my apartment singing a “nice guy” version of “Maybe” from “Annie” to myself as I watch reruns on Adult Swim until 4 or 5 in the morning. As the old saying goes, “Nice guys finish last” because “nice guys” are typically doormats who have taken to the niche so well that they even step on themselves. If you thought this whole thing was wholly exhaustive and want an abridged version, here it is: Be confident but not cocky. Be assertive but not aggressive. Be honest with yourself and keep your expectations realistic. A little self-criticism never hurt anyone but a lot can. Love is a journey, not a destination. If Hitler could find love, so can you. There are worse things than being alone and you have your whole life ahead of you. Pay attention to both your strengths and weaknesses but don’t lose yourself in either. Roll up your sleeves and pull up your pants, exclaim “Carpe Diem” and take a chance. Peace, I’m out… Happy Valentine’s Day.
Fatmanonice, February 9th, 2012
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.”- Dr. Seuss
“What a man can be, he must be. This need we call self-actualization.”- Abraham Maslow
“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”- Bill Cosby
