jokes, they are here. ALSO, HIEMIE ABUSES HIS POWER! *Lightningbolts!*

[Plazma]

keep em somewhat appropriate for the boards. heres one:
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddy bikers who worked as aircraft
mechanics in Dallas Tx.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with
nothing to do. Bud said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!' Jim
says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?' So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high
octane hootch and got completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up
and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO
hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?' Bud says, 'I feel great.
How about you?' Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Bud says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We
ought to do this more often. '

'Yeah, well there's just one thing.' 'What's that?'

Have you farted yet?'

'No '

'Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver

 

[D13]

Check this out.

The Longest Joke in the World.

I've read it all, it's pretty awesome. But unless you're really bored, you might not want to waste your time with it.

 

[Plazma]

Check this out.

The Longest Joke in the World.

I've read it all, it's pretty awesome. But unless you're really bored, you might not want to waste your time with it.

HAHAHAH. when I saw the title longest joke in the world I knew what I was in for. A friend of mine told a long joke to me that does the same thing. I enjoyed this and almost loled at the end

 

[Peeze]

Check this out.

The Longest Joke in the World.

I've read it all, it's pretty awesome. But unless you're really bored, you might not want to waste your time with it.

wow it actually is really good.

 

[Fiend's_Knee]

I've got to say I throughly enjoyed that story, I nearly forgot it was a joke, terrible pun in the end though but I still laughed.

 

[D13]

Haha, I'm glad all you guys enjoyed it as much as I did.

 

[Rici]

Yes I have read the Longest Joke in the World before, and I'm one of the 11% which enjoyed it all the way. I really had to laugh at the end, even though the pun was horrible. The idea of itself is really genius.

 

[Plazma]

yea I too am part of that 11%, definately a genious idea

 

[Fiend's_Knee]

Right this thread is becoming about that one joke, here's one for you:

An Irishman was driving around a car park looking for a space but he couldn't find one. It got so bad he eventually looked up to the sky and said "God please find me a parking space, I promise to go church every week, I'll stop drinking, I'll be faithful to my wife, good to my kids and I'll stop gambling, so please God find a parking space please I beg you."

Miraculously a parking space appeared right in front of him, he looked up to the sky again and said "Nevermind, I found one."

 

[Plazma]

nice

10chars

 

[XACE-K]

Check this out.

The Longest Joke in the World.

I've read it all, it's pretty awesome. But unless you're really bored, you might not want to waste your time with it.

I'll read the whole thing later.

I have a few jokes but I think most of you have already heard them.

 

[antimatter]

a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead committed severe crimes and were to be executed. The method of execution was for them to be shot at a firing range. However, before they were shot, they were allowed one word to say before they died. The brunette was up first.
3
2
1
She says, "Earthquake!" Her executioner flips out, and misses. She runs away scot free. Next, the redhead.
3
2
1
She says, "Tornado!" Same thing as the brunette.
The blonde thinks that she gets it.
3
2
1
The blonde says, "Fire!"

A man died and went to heaven, one of the three people that made it that year. He sees a lot of clocks around in heaven, and asks saint peter what they're for. Saint Peter replies that they are the liar clocks. Every time you tell a lie, the hands on the clock move. Saint Peter takes the man to the presidential wing. The man asks, "Where's George W. Bush's clock?" Peter replies: "In Jesus's room. It's being used as a fan."

I'll tell more later.

 

[Amide]

Right this thread is becoming about that one joke, here's one for you:

An Irishman was driving around a car park looking for a space but he couldn't find one. It got so bad he eventually looked up to the sky and said "God please find me a parking space, I promise to go church every week, I'll stop drinking, I'll be faithful to my wife, good to my kids and I'll stop gambling, so please God find a parking space please I beg you."

Miraculously a parking space appeared right in front of him, he looked up to the sky again and said "Nevermind, I found one."

That's a good one. On the world's longest joke, if it has a bad pun, there is no way I'm reading it. I'd share some jokes, but they're awful, really.

 

[Plazma]

share em all tlink_king. ITS BEING USED AS A FAN. awesome.
hers one:
a blond goes into walmart. she sees a tv up on the shelf and asks to buy it. the guy says"we dont serve blonds"
she is confused and angry and goes home. the next day she goes again, asks to buy the tv, and gets the same response.
she is infuriated now so decides to dye her hair brown to buy the tv. so she dyes her hair, goes in the store, and asks to buy the tv. the guy says we dont serve blonds she asks how he knows she is blonde and he replies because thats a microwave

 

[antimatter]

The three surgeons:
Three surgeons are playing golf. The first one takes a swing, and tells about a man with nerve damge in his hands that he operated on. After he was treated, he became a world famous pianist.
The second one says, "That's nothing! I performed an operation on a man with no legs, and he became a world champion kickboxer!"
The third one says, "I can beat you both. This Texan was riding on his donkey, right? He crashed into a tree. His head couldn't be saved. But I put the donkey's rear end on the guy's neck, and he became our President!"

A guy walked into a town looking for a horse. He found the only shop in town, but there was only one horse left. The shopkeep said that it was a special horse, that only started walking when you said "Praise the Lord" and only stopped when you said "Amen". The shop keep said "Praise the Lord" after the guy got on the horse, and off it went. It ran and ran for hours and hours. Now, the guy forgot what to say to make the horse stop, when up ahead was a cliff! He said his prayers before he was about to die, and finished with "Amen". The horse stopped with its hooves on the edge of the abyss.
The man said, "Praise the Lord!"

very mature Heimie.

 

[Plazma]

ok so heimie changed the title? wth, isn't that an abuse of power. it makes me look like an idiot.

 

[Hiemie]

Yes, it likely is an abuse of power.

 

[Kilut]

-is hit by a lightning bolt of awesome-

 

[Amide]

OK, I didn't make this one up, but whatever:

Two blondes are looking at the stars, one of them asks the other "What do you think's farther away? The Moon or Florida?"
"Duh" responds the other. "We can see the moon from here, but we can't see Florida, Florida's farther away."

___
That was awful, sorry for sharing.

 

[Fiend's_Knee]

OK, I didn't make this one up, but whatever:

Two blondes are looking at the stars, one of them asks the other "What do you think's farther away? The Moon or Florida?"
"Duh" responds the other. "We can see the moon from here, but we can't see Florida, Florida's farther away."

That was really bad, awful even you need to do better than that. Any way another joke

A panda walks into a bar and orders a steak, sits down at the table and the waiter brings him his steak. After finishing his steak the waiter walks towards him to clean up and give him his bill, when the waiter reaches the table the panda says "thanks for the food" and then shoots the waiter. The waiter drops dead and the bar owner runs out to see what the noise was and notices the dead waiter and the panda with the smoking gun.
"What the F**K!!! Did you shoot him?! You can't do that its no..."
"Listen" the panda says calmly interrupting the bar owner"Go home and look up panda in the encyclopedia" he then gets up and leaves as the bar owner is left stunned by the his employee's death and the panda's unusual response. He immediately goes home, finds his encyclopedia and looks up panda and he finds

Panda:
Eat shoots and leaves.

 

[Plazma]

haha I like that

 

[Zook]

Little Johnny is playing in his front yard when a stranger in a van pulls up.

"Hey kid," says the man, taking out a sack, "I'll give you a peice of candy if you'll come in my van.

Johnny thinks for a minute, then says, "Hell, give me the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth!"
-
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.
-
What's the difference between a secretary and a hooker?

One spends her day scribbling notes.

 

[Pluvia's other account]

I read that whole long joke! Score! I'm actually quite glad I did, it's good to know I'm one of those 11%.

Anyway,

Two muffins in an oven, the first muffin says, "Do you think it's getting hot in here?" The second muffin says, "Holy **** a talking muffin!"

 

[XACE-K]

I got a joke.

A guy goes to a bar and sits at the counter with a sad look on his face. The bartender says' "What's wrong". The guy says' "I got fired and now I need money". The bartender replies, "I got three jobs for you, if you do them I'll give you some money. One, get rid of our bouncer. Two, there's a pit bull in the basement with a toothache. I need you to pull out his tooth. Three, that lady over there wants to get laid so do her."

The guy takes a bottle of beer and hits the bouncer over the head with it. The bouncers falls down and becomes unconcious. The guy says, "First job's done."

He then goes in the basement with the pit bull. For an hour you hear the dog barking and the guy yelling. The guy comes back up with his clothes teared and has dog bites on him. He says, "Okay, now where is the lady with a toothache."

 

[omfgomfg]

Check this out.

The Longest Joke in the World.

I've read it all, it's pretty awesome. But unless you're really bored, you might not want to waste your time with it.

the ending was absolutely brilliant, really the guy who wrote this was a genius
i do have one pet peeve with it though
as you can see,

, there is clearly a typo! absolutely unacceptable!

 

[MojoMan]

Here's a good one. So George W. Bush goes up to the Queen of England, and asks how to find good advisors. The Queen of England says that she tells people a riddle, and if they get it, they become a ruling officer, and she calls "mister Blair!" and Tony Blair walks in. She says, "if your mother has a child that is neither your sister nor your brother, who is it?" He responds "so it must be me then". Bush says "wow, I've gotta got tell that one back home. So he goes and tells **** Cheney. He tells the riddle, and **** cheney says "wow that's a hard one, I've gotta go outside to think". So he leaves his office, and tells Colin Powell the riddle. Powell says "so it must be me then". Cheney goes back and says "Colin Powell!" Bush responds "No you idiot, it's TOny Blair!"

 

[Eor]

Don't take any of the 11% stuff true, it's all crap people invent

 

[Pluvia's other account]

Still, I liked the story, it gave me something to read I guess.

 

[Eor]

The story was good, much better then I thought.

 

[Grandeza]

Don't take any of the 11% stuff true, it's all crap people invent

I felt special. Gotta ruin everything dont ya eor? <criesinside>

 

[Zook]

Dude, that was a joke about the percent-thing being fake.

 

[Grandeza]

lol i was being sarcastic. sarcasm is hard to detect over the net.

 

[Exypnos]

a guy goes into a bar with a sad look on his face sits down and puts the paper bag he has on the counter. the bartender goes "whats in the bag?" the guy pulls out a tiny piano and then pulls out a tiny man and the man starts playing mozart on the piano. the bartender goes "where did you get this?" the man pulls out a lamp and tells the bartender he has one wish. the bartender wishes for a million bucks. all of a sudden a duck walks in the bar. then another, and another, and another until the whole bar is filled with ducks. the bartender says "I think your genie has a hearing problem!" the guy goes "No crap! you think I wished for a nine inch pianist?"

 

[the melon!!!!!]

Little Johnny says to his mother, "Mommy, I wanna be a fireman when I grow up!"

His mother says back, "Johnny, you're not going to grow up. You have AIDS!"

 

[Fiend's_Knee]

I got a joke.

A guy goes to a bar and sits at the counter with a sad look on his face. The bartender says' "What's wrong". The guy says' "I got fired and now I need money". The bartender replies, "I got three jobs for you, if you do them I'll give you some money. One, get rid of our bouncer. Two, there's a pit bull in the basement with a toothache. I need you to pull out his tooth. Three, that lady over there wants to get laid so do her."

The guy takes a bottle of beer and hits the bouncer over the head with it. The bouncers falls down and becomes unconcious. The guy says, "First job's done."

He then goes in the basement with the pit bull. For an hour you hear the dog barking and the guy yelling. The guy comes back up with his clothes teared and has dog bites on him. He says, "Okay, now where is the lady with a toothache."

I was planning to post that joke on here but its told differently

Here's another one (changed so Americans will understand it)

This man and his wife are wanting a baby but the guy doesn't have a d**k so he heads down to the shop to buy one.

He walks in and asks the shop owner what he's got in stock, the shop owner says they've got a white one for 50c, the guy takes a look at it, fairly unimpressed he asks if there's anything else. The shop owner says there's two more items, a black one and a metal one. The guy is instantly impressed by the metal and asks how much it is?
"$1"
"S**t, I've only got 99c. Could you not just give me it anyway its only one cence."
"No I can't do that sir, am sorry"
"Well, how much is the black one?"
"99c"
"Fine I'll take it" the man says disappointedly

So the man goes home and him and wife get down to business, 5 years later, there five year old son asks his dad, "Dad? How come am black and you and mom are white"
"Well son" the man says "If I was one cence richer you would be Robo Cop"

 

[Eor]

That's not a joke, that's an abomination

 

[Exypnos]

i kind of liked the punch line
heres one:
little jonny is taking a bath and looks down at his testes. he goes "mommy is this my brain?"
his mom goes "not yet"

 

[Amide]

That was really bad, awful even you need to do better than that. Any way another joke

Actually, my original jokes are even worse.
_
On previous joke: What...?

 

[Sporkman]

that Was Really Bad, Awful Even You Need To Do Better Than That. Any Way Another Joke

A Panda Walks Into A Bar And Orders A Steak, Sits Down At The Table And The Waiter Brings Him His Steak. After Finishing His Steak The Waiter Walks Towards Him To Clean Up And Give Him His Bill, When The Waiter Reaches The Table The Panda Says "thanks For The Food" And Then Shoots The Waiter. The Waiter Drops Dead And The Bar Owner Runs Out To See What The Noise Was And Notices The Dead Waiter And The Panda With The Smoking Gun.
"what The F**k!!! Did You Shoot Him?! You Can't Do That Its No..."
"listen" The Panda Says Calmly Interrupting The Bar Owner"go Home And Look Up Panda In The Encyclopedia" He Then Gets Up And Leaves As The Bar Owner Is Left Stunned By The His Employee's Death And The Panda's Unusual Response. He Immediately Goes Home, Finds His Encyclopedia And Looks Up Panda And He Finds

Panda:
Eat Shoots And Leaves.

,
The comma makes the joke.

 

[SacredThunder]

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"