[WWYP RT] - Jorge

Epilogue:

This was originally written for a branch out a vignette book called Seedfolks. In which characters from a vast multitude of backgrounds are bound together by a vacant lot in their Chicago slum. They eventually turned the lot into a thriving garden and a jewel to the town. The story I have written is about boy where the garden not only helped the town, but also brought a troubled family together. I know that it's short, but its about quality not quantity. With that being said please enjoy the vignette!

Vignette- short, impressionistic scenes that focus on one moment or give a trenchant impression about a character, an idea, or a setting.

To better make notes on your story, I will do it all in quotes. Enjoy:

Illussionary said:

Jorge
​

My mother has been depressed, ever since my father died, and we have lost touch with our relatives in Brazil. All she does is yell at me, making me care to her every need day in and day out. I never have anytime for fun anymore. Since my father’s dead, I’ve been the man of the house, and it’s not as easy as it had looked when my father did it. Lately money has been tight so I started a job as the paperboy. I only make a couple cents a day, but its better then nothing.​

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The intro lacks an active engine. To get a story going, you need to have an engine pumping and get the reader enraptured. Here, I don't feel the need to continue. The fact the father is dead does lead me to wonder how, or what significance that will have to the narrator, though so build from there.

Illussionary said:

Today, I heard that Sam is having a contest, to see which child, twelve and under, could come up with the best idea to help the garden in the vacant lot, and the winner could win a whole 20 dollars! That’s when I knew that I had to win, but I’m not very smart and I can’t speak English very well yet. I explained my idea as best I could to our community, but they just couldn’t understand me, even the Spanish-speaking people couldn’t understand my accent.​

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Some logic errors plague this section, but it does turn the engine on and makes me want to continue reading. First off, if he cannot speak English well, his narrative does not show it. Also, there has been no indication that he is not very smart to me. Why couldn't the Spanish-speaking community understand him? Couldn't he just speak Spanish to them? The lack of details also hurt this part. Perhaps some dialogue of him, difficultly, explaining his idea would work better than this. The writing standard is to "show and not tell." Right now, this is all showing.

Illussionary said:

Mom is getting more and more depressed; she keeps crying and rambling on about how her and her grandmother used to plant tomatoes. That’s when I got the idea(No comma) that maybe if I grew tomatoes in the garden lot and brought them to her that maybe it would give her some hope and take her out of her depression. The next day I got the seeds and went to work. As I checked back every day, I could see that my plants were thriving.​

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This is one of your worst paragraphs. First off, remember, even in dialect, you are writing in English. You MUST follow grammatical rules or publishers will think you can't write. Also, watch your word choices. The short the work; the better your word choices must be. Also, another important thing to note from Sol Stein, "1 + 1 = 1/2" This means that if you use the same imagery more than once, it's reduced to half strength. Such as instead of saying "Day after day," a better term would be "every day." It's stronger.

Illussionary said:

I encouraged mom to come outside and help me. She reluctantly walked outside to the lot and gazed upon all the patches of fruits, vegetables, and flowers. For a second, I thought I saw her smile, but it quickly faded. I took her over to my patch. She explained that I was doing everything all wrong, so I asked her to demonstrate. After that she became extremely interested in our small tomato patch.​

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That line I bolded and underlined was the best line so far. It was so powerful and strong. You have the power and ability to write strong lines then; you just need to learn how to harness this. The problem is after that line, the paragraph ends way too quickly. His mom insulted him after all his hard work, and he asks her to just show him what to do? Emotionally speaking, he would be a little bit upset, no doubt. Also, I wanted to see more conflict.

Illussionary said:

My mother and I worked on that tomato patch for several hours each day. We talked about life in Brazil and Dad. I can tell that I’m getting my mother, back. She’s starting to smile and laugh again, just like old times.​

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The ending is so weak and unimportant. What happens with the contest? How could they have worked for several hours a day, when he probably has school and she probably has work.

Honestly, either the story does not work as vignette or you need to hone your skills at writing it a little better. Conflict, the driving engine of a story, is nearly absent, with the conflict you do have being so weak it hurts the story. The story is there, and you have the tone, but I feel you really need to polish and work on your idea some more. Keep writing, though.

Thanks crimson I'll take all this into account and edit it as it is needed.

Bump for competition's sake