Well, I'm still waiting for sheepyman but I don't think it will hurt to post them now any way. I know Awesome Man and I really enjoyed reading these stories and most of you handled the prompt very well. Without further ado, here they are-
Results:
All Judges (so far)
1st (126 pts) Evil Eye- Cole's Cave
2nd (120 pts) Arrun- The Unconscious Landscape
3rd (103 pts) plasmawisp6633- Nighthawks
4th (51.3 pts) Xsyven- TThe Science of Ordinary
Demoncaterpie
1st (44.5 pts) Aruun- The Unconscious Landscape
2st (42 pts) Evil Eye-Cole's Cave
3rd (38.5 pts) plasmawisp6633-Nighthawks
4th (36 pts) Xsyven-TThe Science of Ordinary
Virgilijus
(40 pts) Evil Eye- Cole's Cave
(37 pts) Aruun- The Unconscious Landscape
3rd (34 pts) plasmawisp6633-Nighthawks
4th (20 pts) Xsyven-TThe Science of Ordinary
Sheepyman
sucks.
(44 pts) Evil Eye- Cole's Cave
(38.5 pts) Aruun- The Unconscious Landscape
3rd (30.5 pts) plasmawisp6633-Nighthawks
4th (15.5 pts) Xsyven-TThe Science of Ordinary
Aruun The Unconscious Landscape (62/90 pts)
Adherence to Prompt
* demoncaterpie (10/10) Flawless victory!
* Virgilijus (8/10)I thought you did a very good job with this. Of course you had the scene of Amadi and the other members of the caravan huddled behind a cliff for protection, just like the painting, but you really put the same bleakness into the story that the painting had. The lifeless grays and brown were shown in Amadi’s despair..
* Sheepyman (9/10)I think you did a fairly good job of keeping with the style of the painting, especially your description of the overall scene. Your story really hosted the dreariness of the painting. The scene from the painting is in the story, with all the bleakness of it as well.
Spelling and Grammar
* demoncaterpie (4.5/5 noticed one or two things, but nothing the average reader would catch.
* Virgilijus (5/5) I didn’t catch any the first time through.
* Sheepyman (5/5)I didn’t see any glaring issues.
Characterization
* demoncaterpie (9/10)What’s great about this story is you kept it simple. You didn’t introduce any unneeded characters, focusing firmly on the girl. Normally I would complain about the lack of description of her father, but he was used in such a great way that I can’t really complain.
* Virgilijus (7/10) Amadi is obviously an afflicted character and is going through a horrible tragedy. We can see her emotions and how they are tearing at her, but she lacks a sort of real, human touch. I think you may have put yourself in a difficult situation; her life is becoming so bleak that she no longer really has much emotion or character left. But just for getting to that point I’ll give a seven.
* Sheeypman (6/10) could clearly see that she was tormented by her situation, but in terms of her real life character I wasn’t able to feel much. I only tasted the surface, and I think you could’ve expanded her just a little bit more. Being that she was in a desperate setting, however, I can see why that would be difficult.
Style
* demoncaterpie (13/15)You could have been more consistent. Otherwise, you did a great job in this department. I like how you would bring back motifs to expand their meaning. The repeating of the opening paragraph was genius.
* Virgilijus (10/15) You have a good style, and I liked the way you echoed word for word the ending from the beginning to show how her situation has come around again. However, it just didn’t have much allure to it. Most of the descriptions consisted of a brief adjective before the object: “The sun lowered, casting harsh shadows on the desolate landscape.” While that describes the land, we want to hear about a wasteland as white as the carcass bones that fill it, with sand as sharp as knives that are tossed to and fro at the winds mercy. Or something like that. Make us feel how bad it is with more than one adjective.
* Sheepyman (10/15) I think you did a good job of setting the “mood,” and I thought that the way you dealt with Amadi herself was effect, but the direct descriptions of things seemed a little too brief. It wasn’t a big problem, since the story itself seemed to have a simplicity to it much like the painting.
Plot
* demoncaterpie (3/5) Not a lot of plot here. But don’t get upset, everything else was so good that you could afford to lose a few points here. Still, it was a very engaging story. I was hooked until the very end.
* Virgilijus (5/5) The plot was really simple: woman loses father and then entire caravan while crossing a desert. I liked it because it was so simple and didn’t vary or stray far, but I also wish there was just maybe the smallest scintilla of why they were leaving. Genocide? Plague? Just a brief mention could have given their plight more meaning.
* Sheepyman (4/5)I enjoyed the plot, for the most part. You kept it very simple, although a little more “fleshing out,” for lack of a better phrase, would have helped. Some back story especially, as I was a bit confused as to what exactly they were leaving for.
Theme
* demoncaterpie (5/5) We are but rocks, powerless to a shifting environment. We are born into the earth, we are destroyed by the earth, and we are sent back to the earth. I don’t know if this was your theme, but that’s what I got out of it. Very good job!
* Virgilijus (4/5) Themes are always tricky because you typically have more than one in any worthwhile story. I enjoyed the themes of life is meaningless without others and the savageness and fickleness of nature, although I thought they could have been wrought out a little more.
* Sheepyman (4/5) I especially like the theme of an antagonistic nature, because of the way it’s so central and relevant to human society. The value of life once one is eternally deserted, among other themes, was also present and I think the depth really made it shine.
Virg and DC’s Overall Critique!
* Virgilijus I though this was an outstanding story. It was simple and only had two or three real actions in it, but that’s all it needed. Good job and keep it up!
* demoncaterpie I really liked this story. I can tell that you spent a great amount of time on it. While it was complicated, it wasn’t impossible to understand. In fact, it was quite the contrary. You should be proud of this story. I hope you write another one soon!
Evil Eye Cole's Cave
Adherence to Prompt
* demoncaterpie (10/10) A great interpretation of a great painting. You nailed this category!
* Virgilijus (9/10)I think you did an amazing job here. Your story is gloomy and bleak as it focuses for so long on the suffering of one man as he tries to reach his goal. The colors and the expressions on the dead souls flowing through the painting mirror that nicely; they are grimacing and wincing on their path. And to have the woman dead at his feet while the light above him shows his ecstasy just as Cole was so relieved to kill the woman in the house. You mirrored the painting wonderfully. The only thing I see that keeps me from giving you a ten is that the painting is a scene from Dante’s Inferno, dealing with the lustful being blown around by the winds. If you could have connected Cole to the woman somewhat sexually, that would have done it for me.
* Sheepyman (10/10) The way you so vividly depicted the dreariness and darkness of the painting, the way it was such a good reflection of the artwork, gets you a ten.
Spelling and Grammar
* demoncaterpie (4/5) A few structure problems and grammar errors prevent you from receiving a five. That’s still really good, considering your style.
* Virgilijus (4/5) He cast his firearm over the hole and followed it.” That made me laugh. There were a few other mistakes.
* Sheepyman (4/5)Nothing too problematic, just a few typos. There was a tense shift once, but I think it was just a typo.
Characterization
* demoncaterpie (7/10)I know you were being purposely vague about his character, but it still needed more. It’d just be nice to know a little more about him. I know Cole’s going through hell and all, but he’s so bland that I almost don’t care. Luckily you save yourself towards the end with a great climax and conclusion.
* Virgilijus (7/10) A strong character. His determination is easily seen and his purpose, while vicious, shows how vengeful his mindset is. A brute, bull headed character, but shown convincingly. Still would have liked to seen more.
* Sheeypman (7/10) He’s going to get vengeance. I didn’t see as much anger as I would’ve expected out of someone about to commit a murder, but I saw the determination, and the constant revolver that reminded him of what he was here to do. I thought the character was well crafted, just not without a few minor glitches.
Style
* demoncaterpie (13/15)You did an amazing job in this category. I like how you were able to keep your style consistent throughout. I can tell you thought long and hard about which words to use in each sentence. There was a part where you switched to the girl’s perspective. It was clever, but it just didn’t fit right. Again, great job!
* Virgilijus (13/15) I really like your style. You don’t describe many things with over the top analogies or incredibly analytical descriptions but they aren’t bland either. But they still hit you in the gut, which is what they are supposed to do. Occasionally though, more so towards the end, some aspects became a little cliché, but that is only a minor gripe.
* Sheepyman (15/15) The style was probably one of my favorite aspects of the story, especially because of the vivid image I can see in my mind when I read it. They have a sort of refreshing “ooh” to them, and for that I can only commend you.
Plot
* demoncaterpie (3/5)You gave up plot for art, which is fine. It was still strong enough to keep me going, but not enough to make me care. Still, it was very interesting.
* Virgilijus (4/5) A man goes through Hell to finish his vengeance. Simple, but all the good plots are when they are boiled down. I would have still liked a small glance at a back story, maybe just a sentence or two, just to give the reader a better bearing on Cole’s reason.
* Sheepyman (3/5)I thought the plot was well thought-out, the only issue I had was that it was almost a little too vague for me.
Theme
* demoncaterpie (5/5) I’m going to have to read this a couple of more times before I figure out the theme, but I’m not going to mark you off for that. You did a great job with this story, and you should be proud.
* Virgilijus (4/5) can push a person through any obstacle. True, but such inspiration is not without its pitfalls, and I feel that is a necessity when speaking of the nature of revenge.
* Sheepyman (4/5)I really enjoyed seeing this. It almost went too quickly, and I almost didn’t catch it, but after the second read through I started to understand it. The way the murder felt like a sort of relief, like he’d gotten something off of his back and he could finally lie down or drop. About how you need that passion to drive you, and once you’ve lost it there’s nothing needed anymore.
Virg and DC’s Overall Critique!
* Virgilijus Another good effort EE. It was partly vague and foreboding, but I like stories of that manner. I can’t wait to read your next one.
* demoncaterpie It was a good story, but you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your plot to support your art. I should also mention that guns almost always come up in your stories. That has nothing to do with anything, but just . Anyway, I would suggest working more onsomething I wanted to say your plot next time. Your style is fine, but without a solid plot this story is more like a long poem.
Plasmawisp6633 Nighthawks
Adherence to Prompt
* demoncaterpie (10/10) Your story fit the mood of the painting perfectly. Nothing more I can say.
* Virgilijus (7/10)You did a good job with the prompt. Of course, the last scene in the story is exactly that in the painting, which helps quite a bit. However, I just didn’t feel the late thirties, early forties vibe from the story. We see the narrator dressed up in his grey suit and fedora, but reading the story you wouldn’t have necessarily known it. That and the painting evokes a kind of loneliness that you didn’t quite capture to the full extent; there he is, alone, as a husband and wife are talking with each other. He’s hunched over, all to himself. You mainly talked about his insomnia, which, while making him more of a loner, didn’t make me feel for him.
* Sheepyman (7/10) The thing about art is that you can interpret it in so many ways. You didn’t quite catch his loneliness, his irrelevance to the world, in the story. The revelation at the end didn’t quite seem to fit with the piece, either.
Spelling and Grammar
* demoncaterpie (4/5)You messed up on a couple of things, but nothing major.
* Virgilijus (5/5) I didn’t find any on the first pass through.
* Sheepyman (3.5/5)You seem to have quite a few typos and misplaced commas. A few careful readings would probably eliminate those though.
Characterization
* demoncaterpie (7/10) Very impressive work! The main character shined throughout. Even though he was doing the most boring things, I wanted to stay by him the entire time. He was just so interesting. Everyone else was really bland. You did talk about them a little…kind of…
* Virgilijus (6/10) For the most part I liked the characterization of the narrator. However, I just felt there was more left of him that could have been explored. Through his ramblings and thoughts about tea and books we see how his mind is affected by his lack of sleep and vice versa, but there needs to be more pull in the character. Also, his epiphany at the end seemed a little stretched and too instantly uplifting for him.
* Sheeypman (6/10) You captured some of his attributes, but the character was a bit like an uninflated balloon. You can see what color it is, but you don’t know what it looks like. A little bit more effort into the character himself would’ve been nice.
Style
* demoncaterpie (12/15) A solid job throughout. A weaker writer would have just randomly used big words that didn’t mean anything, but you kept a simple style throughout. Some of your sentences were too big and didn’t make sense, and you weren’t always consistent, but when you were, you were spot on. Again, great job.
* Virgilijus (10/15) You have a very speech like style; it really sounds as if you were just saying this and some one jotted it down. I would say work on your descriptions. For example, “The moon was out too.” When the narrator is about to talk about why he likes the moon, how beautiful it is, the shadows it casts, etc. just saying that the moon was out doesn’t bode so well. How was it out? How did the narrator see it? Little things like that that give it a more realistic feel just a summary of what the man did.
* Sheepyman (10/15) Your style is a lot like spoken word. It fit well with the rants he goes on. The story was a little shaky in the descriptions in certain places. Try to be more descriptive in terms of what things looked or felt like. Just try to make us see what you see in your head.
Plot
* demoncaterpie (3.5/5)A man misses work and goes out. Not exactly the most exciting premise, but you were still able to keep me interested. The ending was way too spontaneous, but more on that in the next section.
* Virgilijus (3/5) A man realizes walks around town for a day and decides to change his life. I enjoy brevity in plots, but there also needs to be some viable struggle. The narrator has a problem with insomnia, but it doesn’t appear to affect him too much. Without that conflict, the plot looses some of its importance
* Sheepyman (2/5) It was there, but it wasn’t really gripping. The character is mainly aimless throughout the whole story, so I can’t see where the stress was. I couldn’t see the actual problem.
Theme
* demoncaterpie (2/5) Never, and I mean EVER, tell the reader your theme. You need to make it as vague as possible and let the reader figure it out. On top of that, it just came out of nowhere. You have this guy who can’t sleep, than he miraculously figures out why. There was no support for this in your story.
* Virgilijus (3/5) A man must reach for his joy instead of waiting for it to come to him. You basically spelled it out at the end. A more subtle approach would have made it have a stronger impact. But also, in correlation with the prompt and plot, if you had shown him as more depressed and as a loner, it would have meant more coming from him.
* Sheepyman (2/5) It was a little bit too direct, and you might consider making it less of an out-of-nowhere revelation. It was still a valid theme, you just have to massage it into the story.
Virg and DC’s Overall Critique!
* Virgilijus I am thoroughly impressed that a relative newcomer to the boards had such a good first entry. Keep this up and you’ll be a force to reckon with!
* demoncaterpie This is still a very good story. You’re definitely one of the writers to look out for here on Smashboards. Just keep working at it and I know you’ll get better.
Xsyven[TThe Science of Ordinary
Adherence to Prompt
* demoncaterpie (5/10) I’ll give you half credit, since you talked about life in the city, but what about the boats? A big part of this painting is missing from your story, so your score suffers because of it Some bad plot choices don't help much either.
* Virgilijus (3/10)I didn’t see much correlation between the story and the picture. The painting is bright and uplifting in some places and dark in others, kind of like your story, but that is the only thing I saw. What I’m trying to get at is that there were no sail boats in your story
* Sheepyman (1.5/10) I couldn’t see much correlation between your story and the painting. You’re missing something crucial, my friend. You’re missing the boats.
Spelling and Grammar
* demoncaterpie (2.5/5)Some confusing sentences and bad word choices hurt the flow of the story. I know this was rushed, but you could have at least done a bit more proofreading.
* Virgilijus (4/5) An odd sentence here or there and some ill used words.
* Sheepyman (4/5)A few errors hurt your story. Still, it was nothing that proofreading couldn’t have solved.
Characterization
* demoncaterpie (2/10) You kind of made one of the characters kind of three dimensional, but you didn’t give them nearly enough time to develop their character. This story is way too short, and the characters come and go in a second. Seriously, you can do a lot better.
* Virgilijus (3/10) A short story really only has room to show one character for what he’s worth. You tried to spread it out equally with three and it just made the characterization too thin. Focus on Charles. The Wagner’s aren’t the axis of the plot or the theme and as such, they don’t need to take away from what could be Charles’ revealing.
* Sheeypman (2/10) Well, the characters were fairly bland, and I couldn’t see much of what they were all about. I saw some light characterization, but it wasn’t particularly well done.
Style
* demoncaterpie (5/15) The narrator talks like a scientist. Your sentences aren’t coherent, and some of your lines bore to tears. You just didn’t take this contest seriously.
* Virgilijus (6/15) You wrote this in an hour, so I’m sure it wasn’t your complete style, but I will judge it none the less. Some of your sentences just got jumbled up as you were writing them down. The first sentence, for example; don’t try to make things profound because the writer always makes himself look bad when he spells it out for the reader. Other than that, show us where we are more and make us feel we are with the Wagner’s as they are stranded on the side of the road in their Buick.
* Sheepyman (5.5/15) Your sentences are mangled, and your style is inconsistent and odd. Certain parts were really quirky. Some of your sentences were a little too epic in scope, especially at the beginning and end.
Plot
* demoncaterpie (1/5) Was there a plot? A character appeared twice, and that’s about it. If you’re going to write a story, the most important rule is to make sure you have a story. Otherwise, it’s just a bunch of philosophical crap.
* Virgilijus (2/5) Guy coincidentally has a run in with two different cars driven by the same family. Yeah, I can buy that as an OK plot, but you have to follow through with it more with characterization and style to help it out and give it some importance and meaning.
* Sheepyman (2/5) You’re going to be hard pressed to sell me on this one. The issues come up mainly because the story is practically incomplete and things just kind of skip around too much and nothing really makes sense or seems to matter. In short, I got bored. And your story isn't really all that long.
Theme
* demoncaterpie (1/5) If you hadn’t stated it at the end, I would never have been able to figure it out. While a good theme, it just wasn’t supported at all by the rest of the story.
* Virgilijus (2/5) Gestures can be misconstrued. Yes, that is a decent theme, but please, do not dedicate a paragraph at the end telling the audience. The reader wants to get to the end and say “Oh, I see it now”, but because the story is now complete and they see all of it for what it is worth and can hook together every piece, not because you decided to tell them in the off chance they missed it. I don’t mean to sound too harsh, it’s just a pet peeve of mine.
* Sheepyman (1.5/5) You were far, far too direct. Don't get too philosophical or epic. It was a valid theme though, so I’ll give you points for that.
Virg and DC’s Overall Critique!
* Virgilijus I would complain that you didn’t put a lot of effort in, because you didn’t…so I will. Just take a couple of minutes each day and put a better story together. It really doesn’t take too much time. However, I applaud you for even entering.
* demoncaterpie I want you to write another story. This time though, spend a good couple of weeks on it. Once you’re sure it’s perfect, post it. I don’t want to see more things like this, mainly because I know you can do better. Here’s to your next story!
I would like to congratulate all that entered and hopefully you guys enter next time as well! And Xsyven, if you pick a painting with sailboats in them, write a story about sailboats.
Results:
All Judges (so far)
1st (126 pts) Evil Eye- Cole's Cave
2nd (120 pts) Arrun- The Unconscious Landscape
3rd (103 pts) plasmawisp6633- Nighthawks
4th (51.3 pts) Xsyven- TThe Science of Ordinary
Demoncaterpie
1st (44.5 pts) Aruun- The Unconscious Landscape
2st (42 pts) Evil Eye-Cole's Cave
3rd (38.5 pts) plasmawisp6633-Nighthawks
4th (36 pts) Xsyven-TThe Science of Ordinary
Virgilijus
(40 pts) Evil Eye- Cole's Cave
(37 pts) Aruun- The Unconscious Landscape
3rd (34 pts) plasmawisp6633-Nighthawks
4th (20 pts) Xsyven-TThe Science of Ordinary
Sheepyman
sucks.
(44 pts) Evil Eye- Cole's Cave
(38.5 pts) Aruun- The Unconscious Landscape
3rd (30.5 pts) plasmawisp6633-Nighthawks
4th (15.5 pts) Xsyven-TThe Science of Ordinary
Aruun The Unconscious Landscape (62/90 pts)
Adherence to Prompt
* demoncaterpie (10/10) Flawless victory!
* Virgilijus (8/10)I thought you did a very good job with this. Of course you had the scene of Amadi and the other members of the caravan huddled behind a cliff for protection, just like the painting, but you really put the same bleakness into the story that the painting had. The lifeless grays and brown were shown in Amadi’s despair..
* Sheepyman (9/10)I think you did a fairly good job of keeping with the style of the painting, especially your description of the overall scene. Your story really hosted the dreariness of the painting. The scene from the painting is in the story, with all the bleakness of it as well.
Spelling and Grammar
* demoncaterpie (4.5/5 noticed one or two things, but nothing the average reader would catch.
* Virgilijus (5/5) I didn’t catch any the first time through.
* Sheepyman (5/5)I didn’t see any glaring issues.
Characterization
* demoncaterpie (9/10)What’s great about this story is you kept it simple. You didn’t introduce any unneeded characters, focusing firmly on the girl. Normally I would complain about the lack of description of her father, but he was used in such a great way that I can’t really complain.
* Virgilijus (7/10) Amadi is obviously an afflicted character and is going through a horrible tragedy. We can see her emotions and how they are tearing at her, but she lacks a sort of real, human touch. I think you may have put yourself in a difficult situation; her life is becoming so bleak that she no longer really has much emotion or character left. But just for getting to that point I’ll give a seven.
* Sheeypman (6/10) could clearly see that she was tormented by her situation, but in terms of her real life character I wasn’t able to feel much. I only tasted the surface, and I think you could’ve expanded her just a little bit more. Being that she was in a desperate setting, however, I can see why that would be difficult.
Style
* demoncaterpie (13/15)You could have been more consistent. Otherwise, you did a great job in this department. I like how you would bring back motifs to expand their meaning. The repeating of the opening paragraph was genius.
* Virgilijus (10/15) You have a good style, and I liked the way you echoed word for word the ending from the beginning to show how her situation has come around again. However, it just didn’t have much allure to it. Most of the descriptions consisted of a brief adjective before the object: “The sun lowered, casting harsh shadows on the desolate landscape.” While that describes the land, we want to hear about a wasteland as white as the carcass bones that fill it, with sand as sharp as knives that are tossed to and fro at the winds mercy. Or something like that. Make us feel how bad it is with more than one adjective.
* Sheepyman (10/15) I think you did a good job of setting the “mood,” and I thought that the way you dealt with Amadi herself was effect, but the direct descriptions of things seemed a little too brief. It wasn’t a big problem, since the story itself seemed to have a simplicity to it much like the painting.
Plot
* demoncaterpie (3/5) Not a lot of plot here. But don’t get upset, everything else was so good that you could afford to lose a few points here. Still, it was a very engaging story. I was hooked until the very end.
* Virgilijus (5/5) The plot was really simple: woman loses father and then entire caravan while crossing a desert. I liked it because it was so simple and didn’t vary or stray far, but I also wish there was just maybe the smallest scintilla of why they were leaving. Genocide? Plague? Just a brief mention could have given their plight more meaning.
* Sheepyman (4/5)I enjoyed the plot, for the most part. You kept it very simple, although a little more “fleshing out,” for lack of a better phrase, would have helped. Some back story especially, as I was a bit confused as to what exactly they were leaving for.
Theme
* demoncaterpie (5/5) We are but rocks, powerless to a shifting environment. We are born into the earth, we are destroyed by the earth, and we are sent back to the earth. I don’t know if this was your theme, but that’s what I got out of it. Very good job!
* Virgilijus (4/5) Themes are always tricky because you typically have more than one in any worthwhile story. I enjoyed the themes of life is meaningless without others and the savageness and fickleness of nature, although I thought they could have been wrought out a little more.
* Sheepyman (4/5) I especially like the theme of an antagonistic nature, because of the way it’s so central and relevant to human society. The value of life once one is eternally deserted, among other themes, was also present and I think the depth really made it shine.
Virg and DC’s Overall Critique!
* Virgilijus I though this was an outstanding story. It was simple and only had two or three real actions in it, but that’s all it needed. Good job and keep it up!
* demoncaterpie I really liked this story. I can tell that you spent a great amount of time on it. While it was complicated, it wasn’t impossible to understand. In fact, it was quite the contrary. You should be proud of this story. I hope you write another one soon!
Evil Eye Cole's Cave
Adherence to Prompt
* demoncaterpie (10/10) A great interpretation of a great painting. You nailed this category!
* Virgilijus (9/10)I think you did an amazing job here. Your story is gloomy and bleak as it focuses for so long on the suffering of one man as he tries to reach his goal. The colors and the expressions on the dead souls flowing through the painting mirror that nicely; they are grimacing and wincing on their path. And to have the woman dead at his feet while the light above him shows his ecstasy just as Cole was so relieved to kill the woman in the house. You mirrored the painting wonderfully. The only thing I see that keeps me from giving you a ten is that the painting is a scene from Dante’s Inferno, dealing with the lustful being blown around by the winds. If you could have connected Cole to the woman somewhat sexually, that would have done it for me.
* Sheepyman (10/10) The way you so vividly depicted the dreariness and darkness of the painting, the way it was such a good reflection of the artwork, gets you a ten.
Spelling and Grammar
* demoncaterpie (4/5) A few structure problems and grammar errors prevent you from receiving a five. That’s still really good, considering your style.
* Virgilijus (4/5) He cast his firearm over the hole and followed it.” That made me laugh. There were a few other mistakes.
* Sheepyman (4/5)Nothing too problematic, just a few typos. There was a tense shift once, but I think it was just a typo.
Characterization
* demoncaterpie (7/10)I know you were being purposely vague about his character, but it still needed more. It’d just be nice to know a little more about him. I know Cole’s going through hell and all, but he’s so bland that I almost don’t care. Luckily you save yourself towards the end with a great climax and conclusion.
* Virgilijus (7/10) A strong character. His determination is easily seen and his purpose, while vicious, shows how vengeful his mindset is. A brute, bull headed character, but shown convincingly. Still would have liked to seen more.
* Sheeypman (7/10) He’s going to get vengeance. I didn’t see as much anger as I would’ve expected out of someone about to commit a murder, but I saw the determination, and the constant revolver that reminded him of what he was here to do. I thought the character was well crafted, just not without a few minor glitches.
Style
* demoncaterpie (13/15)You did an amazing job in this category. I like how you were able to keep your style consistent throughout. I can tell you thought long and hard about which words to use in each sentence. There was a part where you switched to the girl’s perspective. It was clever, but it just didn’t fit right. Again, great job!
* Virgilijus (13/15) I really like your style. You don’t describe many things with over the top analogies or incredibly analytical descriptions but they aren’t bland either. But they still hit you in the gut, which is what they are supposed to do. Occasionally though, more so towards the end, some aspects became a little cliché, but that is only a minor gripe.
* Sheepyman (15/15) The style was probably one of my favorite aspects of the story, especially because of the vivid image I can see in my mind when I read it. They have a sort of refreshing “ooh” to them, and for that I can only commend you.
Plot
* demoncaterpie (3/5)You gave up plot for art, which is fine. It was still strong enough to keep me going, but not enough to make me care. Still, it was very interesting.
* Virgilijus (4/5) A man goes through Hell to finish his vengeance. Simple, but all the good plots are when they are boiled down. I would have still liked a small glance at a back story, maybe just a sentence or two, just to give the reader a better bearing on Cole’s reason.
* Sheepyman (3/5)I thought the plot was well thought-out, the only issue I had was that it was almost a little too vague for me.
Theme
* demoncaterpie (5/5) I’m going to have to read this a couple of more times before I figure out the theme, but I’m not going to mark you off for that. You did a great job with this story, and you should be proud.
* Virgilijus (4/5) can push a person through any obstacle. True, but such inspiration is not without its pitfalls, and I feel that is a necessity when speaking of the nature of revenge.
* Sheepyman (4/5)I really enjoyed seeing this. It almost went too quickly, and I almost didn’t catch it, but after the second read through I started to understand it. The way the murder felt like a sort of relief, like he’d gotten something off of his back and he could finally lie down or drop. About how you need that passion to drive you, and once you’ve lost it there’s nothing needed anymore.
Virg and DC’s Overall Critique!
* Virgilijus Another good effort EE. It was partly vague and foreboding, but I like stories of that manner. I can’t wait to read your next one.
* demoncaterpie It was a good story, but you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your plot to support your art. I should also mention that guns almost always come up in your stories. That has nothing to do with anything, but just . Anyway, I would suggest working more onsomething I wanted to say your plot next time. Your style is fine, but without a solid plot this story is more like a long poem.
Plasmawisp6633 Nighthawks
Adherence to Prompt
* demoncaterpie (10/10) Your story fit the mood of the painting perfectly. Nothing more I can say.
* Virgilijus (7/10)You did a good job with the prompt. Of course, the last scene in the story is exactly that in the painting, which helps quite a bit. However, I just didn’t feel the late thirties, early forties vibe from the story. We see the narrator dressed up in his grey suit and fedora, but reading the story you wouldn’t have necessarily known it. That and the painting evokes a kind of loneliness that you didn’t quite capture to the full extent; there he is, alone, as a husband and wife are talking with each other. He’s hunched over, all to himself. You mainly talked about his insomnia, which, while making him more of a loner, didn’t make me feel for him.
* Sheepyman (7/10) The thing about art is that you can interpret it in so many ways. You didn’t quite catch his loneliness, his irrelevance to the world, in the story. The revelation at the end didn’t quite seem to fit with the piece, either.
Spelling and Grammar
* demoncaterpie (4/5)You messed up on a couple of things, but nothing major.
* Virgilijus (5/5) I didn’t find any on the first pass through.
* Sheepyman (3.5/5)You seem to have quite a few typos and misplaced commas. A few careful readings would probably eliminate those though.
Characterization
* demoncaterpie (7/10) Very impressive work! The main character shined throughout. Even though he was doing the most boring things, I wanted to stay by him the entire time. He was just so interesting. Everyone else was really bland. You did talk about them a little…kind of…
* Virgilijus (6/10) For the most part I liked the characterization of the narrator. However, I just felt there was more left of him that could have been explored. Through his ramblings and thoughts about tea and books we see how his mind is affected by his lack of sleep and vice versa, but there needs to be more pull in the character. Also, his epiphany at the end seemed a little stretched and too instantly uplifting for him.
* Sheeypman (6/10) You captured some of his attributes, but the character was a bit like an uninflated balloon. You can see what color it is, but you don’t know what it looks like. A little bit more effort into the character himself would’ve been nice.
Style
* demoncaterpie (12/15) A solid job throughout. A weaker writer would have just randomly used big words that didn’t mean anything, but you kept a simple style throughout. Some of your sentences were too big and didn’t make sense, and you weren’t always consistent, but when you were, you were spot on. Again, great job.
* Virgilijus (10/15) You have a very speech like style; it really sounds as if you were just saying this and some one jotted it down. I would say work on your descriptions. For example, “The moon was out too.” When the narrator is about to talk about why he likes the moon, how beautiful it is, the shadows it casts, etc. just saying that the moon was out doesn’t bode so well. How was it out? How did the narrator see it? Little things like that that give it a more realistic feel just a summary of what the man did.
* Sheepyman (10/15) Your style is a lot like spoken word. It fit well with the rants he goes on. The story was a little shaky in the descriptions in certain places. Try to be more descriptive in terms of what things looked or felt like. Just try to make us see what you see in your head.
Plot
* demoncaterpie (3.5/5)A man misses work and goes out. Not exactly the most exciting premise, but you were still able to keep me interested. The ending was way too spontaneous, but more on that in the next section.
* Virgilijus (3/5) A man realizes walks around town for a day and decides to change his life. I enjoy brevity in plots, but there also needs to be some viable struggle. The narrator has a problem with insomnia, but it doesn’t appear to affect him too much. Without that conflict, the plot looses some of its importance
* Sheepyman (2/5) It was there, but it wasn’t really gripping. The character is mainly aimless throughout the whole story, so I can’t see where the stress was. I couldn’t see the actual problem.
Theme
* demoncaterpie (2/5) Never, and I mean EVER, tell the reader your theme. You need to make it as vague as possible and let the reader figure it out. On top of that, it just came out of nowhere. You have this guy who can’t sleep, than he miraculously figures out why. There was no support for this in your story.
* Virgilijus (3/5) A man must reach for his joy instead of waiting for it to come to him. You basically spelled it out at the end. A more subtle approach would have made it have a stronger impact. But also, in correlation with the prompt and plot, if you had shown him as more depressed and as a loner, it would have meant more coming from him.
* Sheepyman (2/5) It was a little bit too direct, and you might consider making it less of an out-of-nowhere revelation. It was still a valid theme, you just have to massage it into the story.
Virg and DC’s Overall Critique!
* Virgilijus I am thoroughly impressed that a relative newcomer to the boards had such a good first entry. Keep this up and you’ll be a force to reckon with!
* demoncaterpie This is still a very good story. You’re definitely one of the writers to look out for here on Smashboards. Just keep working at it and I know you’ll get better.
Xsyven[TThe Science of Ordinary
Adherence to Prompt
* demoncaterpie (5/10) I’ll give you half credit, since you talked about life in the city, but what about the boats? A big part of this painting is missing from your story, so your score suffers because of it Some bad plot choices don't help much either.
* Virgilijus (3/10)I didn’t see much correlation between the story and the picture. The painting is bright and uplifting in some places and dark in others, kind of like your story, but that is the only thing I saw. What I’m trying to get at is that there were no sail boats in your story
* Sheepyman (1.5/10) I couldn’t see much correlation between your story and the painting. You’re missing something crucial, my friend. You’re missing the boats.
Spelling and Grammar
* demoncaterpie (2.5/5)Some confusing sentences and bad word choices hurt the flow of the story. I know this was rushed, but you could have at least done a bit more proofreading.
* Virgilijus (4/5) An odd sentence here or there and some ill used words.
* Sheepyman (4/5)A few errors hurt your story. Still, it was nothing that proofreading couldn’t have solved.
Characterization
* demoncaterpie (2/10) You kind of made one of the characters kind of three dimensional, but you didn’t give them nearly enough time to develop their character. This story is way too short, and the characters come and go in a second. Seriously, you can do a lot better.
* Virgilijus (3/10) A short story really only has room to show one character for what he’s worth. You tried to spread it out equally with three and it just made the characterization too thin. Focus on Charles. The Wagner’s aren’t the axis of the plot or the theme and as such, they don’t need to take away from what could be Charles’ revealing.
* Sheeypman (2/10) Well, the characters were fairly bland, and I couldn’t see much of what they were all about. I saw some light characterization, but it wasn’t particularly well done.
Style
* demoncaterpie (5/15) The narrator talks like a scientist. Your sentences aren’t coherent, and some of your lines bore to tears. You just didn’t take this contest seriously.
* Virgilijus (6/15) You wrote this in an hour, so I’m sure it wasn’t your complete style, but I will judge it none the less. Some of your sentences just got jumbled up as you were writing them down. The first sentence, for example; don’t try to make things profound because the writer always makes himself look bad when he spells it out for the reader. Other than that, show us where we are more and make us feel we are with the Wagner’s as they are stranded on the side of the road in their Buick.
* Sheepyman (5.5/15) Your sentences are mangled, and your style is inconsistent and odd. Certain parts were really quirky. Some of your sentences were a little too epic in scope, especially at the beginning and end.
Plot
* demoncaterpie (1/5) Was there a plot? A character appeared twice, and that’s about it. If you’re going to write a story, the most important rule is to make sure you have a story. Otherwise, it’s just a bunch of philosophical crap.
* Virgilijus (2/5) Guy coincidentally has a run in with two different cars driven by the same family. Yeah, I can buy that as an OK plot, but you have to follow through with it more with characterization and style to help it out and give it some importance and meaning.
* Sheepyman (2/5) You’re going to be hard pressed to sell me on this one. The issues come up mainly because the story is practically incomplete and things just kind of skip around too much and nothing really makes sense or seems to matter. In short, I got bored. And your story isn't really all that long.
Theme
* demoncaterpie (1/5) If you hadn’t stated it at the end, I would never have been able to figure it out. While a good theme, it just wasn’t supported at all by the rest of the story.
* Virgilijus (2/5) Gestures can be misconstrued. Yes, that is a decent theme, but please, do not dedicate a paragraph at the end telling the audience. The reader wants to get to the end and say “Oh, I see it now”, but because the story is now complete and they see all of it for what it is worth and can hook together every piece, not because you decided to tell them in the off chance they missed it. I don’t mean to sound too harsh, it’s just a pet peeve of mine.
* Sheepyman (1.5/5) You were far, far too direct. Don't get too philosophical or epic. It was a valid theme though, so I’ll give you points for that.
Virg and DC’s Overall Critique!
* Virgilijus I would complain that you didn’t put a lot of effort in, because you didn’t…so I will. Just take a couple of minutes each day and put a better story together. It really doesn’t take too much time. However, I applaud you for even entering.
* demoncaterpie I want you to write another story. This time though, spend a good couple of weeks on it. Once you’re sure it’s perfect, post it. I don’t want to see more things like this, mainly because I know you can do better. Here’s to your next story!
I would like to congratulate all that entered and hopefully you guys enter next time as well! And Xsyven, if you pick a painting with sailboats in them, write a story about sailboats.
