What was supposed to be a day of merriment soon turned to be one of mourning after Smasher Jacob Price unwrapped a “hideous” Mad Catz controller gifted to him by his mother. By innocently assuming that third-party controllers were the same as the standard Nintendo fare, Price’s mother had single handedly ruined both Christmas as well as the concept of generosity.
Third-party controllers, also known as the strongest argument against the existence of a benevolent God, have long been the source of nightmares for Super Smash Bros. players due to them being holistically inferior to their Nintendo-made counterparts.
Their very design is entirely flawed; they either come with a cord long enough to loop around the Earth twice and still have some left over, or are wireless (for whatever reason one may find that useful) and lose connection when the user is slightly further back than a normal wire would allow. In addition to being able to do literally nothing better than the officially licensed controllers, the cheap material used to create the buttons is incredibly stiff and therefore capable of producing deafening clicks and clacks when trying to play Melee or some other game.
Price acknowledged these painful facts as he glared at the controller before him, cursing himself over his misfortune. At this point, he reportedly said to himself that he is “better off just playing Smash with the ‘DK Bongo’ controller from Donkey Kong: Jungle Beat”.
“I wouldn't wish this fate upon my worst enemy,” he told Smashboards in an exclusive interview. “This controller is an embarrassment of human potential and Sakurai should personally torture the manufacturers by subjecting them to an eternity of these clickity-clacks.”
However, Jacob soon realized that no matter how unsavory his gifts may be, he should be grateful nonetheless. In the end, he embraced his mother and plans to be more thankful in the future.
Update: Jacob just tried to play Melee with the controller and is currently yelling about how awful it is to his mom