Congratulations to our new Smash Writer, Sheepyman! I would like to personally congratulate you all, however. This was a very challenging prompt and I am pleased that you all took a chance in not only entering, but also that you left your comfort zones and experimented in unfamiliar styles. You're all winners in my book. =)
Except for Scav, who's a big dumb jerk.
All the Judges
1st (127.5 pts) Scav - Cells
2nd (120 pts) Sheepyman - Fruit Tree
3rd (118 pts) Eorlingas - Four Minutes
4th (107.5 pts) technomancer - Office with a View
5th (99.5 pts) Kragen - Parachutes
6th (95 pts) Xsyven - Sleep
7th (93 pts) Wak - Lil'-Butt
8th (87.5 pts) Sizzle - Wet Sand
9th (81 pts) Skywalker - Tuesday Afternoon
10th (73 pts) OnYourMark - The Hill of Dreams
Matt’s
(45.5 pts) Scav - Cells
(45 pts) Eorlingas - Four Minutes
(40 pts) Sheepyman - Fruit Tree
(39.5 pts) technomancer - Office with a View
(33.5 pts) Kragen - Parachutes
(32 pts) Xsyven - Sleep
(31.5 pts) Sizzle - Wet Sand
(28 pts) Wak - Lil'-Butt
(26 pts) OnYourMark - The Hill of Dreams
(20.5 pts) Skywalker - Tuesday Afternoon
Virgilijus’s
(39 pts) Scav - Cells
(37 pts) technomancer - Office with a View
(36.5 pts) Eorlingas - Four Minutes
(36 pts) Sheepyman - Fruit Tree
(35 pts) Sizzle - Wet Sand
(35 pts) Wak - Lil'-Butt
(26 pts) Skywalker - Tuesday Afternoon
(26 pts) Xsyven - Sleep
(25 pts) Kragen - Parachutes
(20 pts) OnYourMark - The Hill of Dreams
demoncaterpie’s
(44 pts) Sheepyman - Fruit Tree
(43 pts) Scav - Cells
(41 pts) Kragen - Parachutes
(37 pts) Xsyven - Sleep
(36.5 pts) Eorlingas - Four Minutes
(34.5 pts) Skywalker - Tuesday Afternoon
(31 pts) technomancer - Office with a View
(30 pts) Wak - Lil'-Butt
(27 pts) OnYourMark - The Hill of Dreams
(21 pts) Sizzle - Wet Sand
Adherence to Prompt – /30 pts
“I mean really, how much stuff can you say in only 547 words? I’m going to assume you were rushed when you wrote this, but come on. You can do better. Your style alone tells me this. I’m still waiting for a true Eorlingas piece, I just hope I don’t have to wait that long. Metaphysical conversations with yourself make for great poems, not so great stories. Keep trying, and I know you’re next one will be better.”
Adherence to Prompt – /30 pts
“My mom would love this story. She would probably cry. She would probably tell me to let you win. But it’s almost too simple. A little more meat would have made this story perfect. But, as it stands, it’s just a simple love story, nothing more, and nothing less.”
Adherence to Prompt – /30 pts
“I guess the one thing you should get out of this review is to not write corny and cliché stories. If you want to get people to emotionally respond to your stories, you need to create real and interesting characters in real and believable situations (real and believable in regards to the story, that is). But hey, with a little practice, you could be a great author. Just keep writing and you’ll get better.”
Adherence to Prompt – /30 pts
“I’m not one of those guys who say “OMG!!!11!! GAY SEX THIS SUXORZ!!!11!!” If it has a point in the story, like it does here, then I’m cool with it. This was a great read, though creepy, but I think that’s the sensation you wanted when you wrote this. Keep it up and I’ll be reading your stories in the New York Times (but probably not this particular one).”
Adherence to Prompt – /30 pts
“What’s great about this story is its simplicity. You didn’t try to over-gloss the story with cheap tricks and fancy words. What you made was a real, genuine story. And for that, I’ve got to give you props.”
Adherence to Prompt – /30 pts
“Don’t think that just because I wrote some mean things about your story that I never want you to write again. If I’m not honest with you, then you wont learn anything. It seemed like to story was really rushed. Next time you write a story, make sure to have a better game plan. Brainstorm, pre-write, outline, whatever. A little more preparation makes a story that much better.”
Adherence to Prompt – /30 pts
“It wasn’t good, but it wasn’t bad either. An average story with an average plot and an average style. But, I’m sure that next time you’ll write an extraordinary story with an extraordinary plot and extraordinary style. I look forward to seeing that story.”
Adherence to Prompt – /30 pts
“There isn’t much I can say. Nothing happened in this story. While your characterization was alright and your style was effective, your plot (or lack thereof) really hurt your story in almost every category. Even with a limit of 2500 words, you should be able to make a convincing plot.”
Adherence to Prompt – /30 pts
“But hey, maybe this is only because your story wasn’t translated right. Maybe next time you’ll have a wonderful story with a rich and beautiful translation. Until then, keep at it. I look forward to your next story.”
Adherence to Prompt – /30 pts
“Note: Don’t try to explain certain parts of your story. If it’s a good story, the reader will figure it out for himself. Oh, and don’t worry. I won’t be a douche and take off points for that. You definitely got talent, but you just need to work on your presentation. With a little more work, you could be posting some great stories on Smashboards. Keep at it and never give up.”
Except for Scav, who's a big dumb jerk.
All the Judges
1st (127.5 pts) Scav - Cells
2nd (120 pts) Sheepyman - Fruit Tree
3rd (118 pts) Eorlingas - Four Minutes
4th (107.5 pts) technomancer - Office with a View
5th (99.5 pts) Kragen - Parachutes
6th (95 pts) Xsyven - Sleep
7th (93 pts) Wak - Lil'-Butt
8th (87.5 pts) Sizzle - Wet Sand
9th (81 pts) Skywalker - Tuesday Afternoon
10th (73 pts) OnYourMark - The Hill of Dreams
Matt’s
(45.5 pts) Scav - Cells
(45 pts) Eorlingas - Four Minutes
(40 pts) Sheepyman - Fruit Tree
(39.5 pts) technomancer - Office with a View
(33.5 pts) Kragen - Parachutes
(32 pts) Xsyven - Sleep
(31.5 pts) Sizzle - Wet Sand
(28 pts) Wak - Lil'-Butt
(26 pts) OnYourMark - The Hill of Dreams
(20.5 pts) Skywalker - Tuesday Afternoon
Virgilijus’s
(39 pts) Scav - Cells
(37 pts) technomancer - Office with a View
(36.5 pts) Eorlingas - Four Minutes
(36 pts) Sheepyman - Fruit Tree
(35 pts) Sizzle - Wet Sand
(35 pts) Wak - Lil'-Butt
(26 pts) Skywalker - Tuesday Afternoon
(26 pts) Xsyven - Sleep
(25 pts) Kragen - Parachutes
(20 pts) OnYourMark - The Hill of Dreams
demoncaterpie’s
(44 pts) Sheepyman - Fruit Tree
(43 pts) Scav - Cells
(41 pts) Kragen - Parachutes
(37 pts) Xsyven - Sleep
(36.5 pts) Eorlingas - Four Minutes
(34.5 pts) Skywalker - Tuesday Afternoon
(31 pts) technomancer - Office with a View
(30 pts) Wak - Lil'-Butt
(27 pts) OnYourMark - The Hill of Dreams
(21 pts) Sizzle - Wet Sand
Eorlingas - Four Minutes 118(/150 pts)
- Matt (10/10) – Awesome. For such a seemingly nonsensical song, I applaud your scrutiny in assigning it such a fitting and compelling narrative. Now when I read the lyrics, I can see clearly the narrative you provided for us. I think the brevity is a strength here. Yeah.
- demoncaterpie (8.5/10) – Bam! You nailed it. This is exactly what this contest is all about. It was almost like reading a continuation of the song (which is a good thing). My only complaint (and I’ll continue to mention this throughout the review), was that it was a little too metaphysical, making it more of a poem then a story. But, for the most part, great job.
- Virgilijus (8/10) – You followed the prompt rather well, but through reading the lyrics I felt there to be more chaos in the song than you put. While your take on the man being shot and pondering his last minutes was not what I was expecting when I first read the lyrics, it was a good, unique take. However, not having that panic and pandemonium keeps you from a higher score.
- Matt (5/5) – Flawless, I think.
- demoncaterpie (5/5) – Nothing that I could see. And, considering your style, that’s pretty impressive.
- Virgilijus (5/5) – You make all of your old English teachers proud.
- Matt (7.5/10) – Nice, how much we learn about the character’s personality in so few words, how unique to him the experience of dying so unjustly and yet being at peace. Very nice. And yet, I do have to dock points for the lack of context, for really not knowing anything at all concrete about your narrator or his situation. But arguably, given the four minute nature of the story, you did what you could. Hm. Taking chances is commendable, yes, and much loved by Matt.
- demoncaterpie (7/10) – You painted a pretty convincing character. I like how his mind was completely distorted by all the horrible things going on around him. But, then again, there was really only one character. Yes, there were the “bad guys,” but they were more archetypes then characters. It would have been nice to learn a little bit more about them, so they aren’t just this stereotypical evil. I mean, at only 547 words, you could have definitely added more in this department.
- Virgilijus (7/10) – We see the man as he lay helpless and how he turns from dazed to merciful to wrathful to delirious, reverting to some of the former again in between. I could really see this man lying there, debating about what to think in the waning moments of his life. But for as good of a picture as it was, it was very brief and showed us only a small glimpse. I always say quality over quantity, but when you can have both…
- Matt (15/15) – I love the repetition of “This is really happening” and how it slowly changes meaning and becomes so much heavier as the narrator realizes he’s dying. You struck a chord (a good chord!) with the short simple paragraphs. This is so close to a song but wonderfully cinematic all the same. Y’know, even the blank space after the final line is stylish and smart. Wow.
- demoncaterpie (12/15) – You can’t say this doesn’t have a style all its own. The fragmented paragraphs perfectly fit the fractured state of mind of the main character. But, it seemed almost too fractured, if that makes sense. Like I’ve said before, this would be better classified as a poem then a story.
- Virgilijus (12/15) – For the most part, I really liked your style. The terse sentences that mirror his breathing that shorten to nothing was very well done. But some of the descriptions you used seemed rather forced in the moment and did not fit the prose too well (“The joyous yet pitiful noise coming from me served as a clay bunker, a fortress to hide from the truth”). Everything else he said is a harsh and curt, impromptu judgment; why would he randomly blurt out a sentence that feels like Thomas Kinkaide breathed on it? Boy, I hope some one understands that comparison…
- Matt (3.5/5) – The style is definitely closer to poetry than prose, and I’m not sure if much was accomplished in the story-telling sense. We have a very brief moment in time with virtually no context. Hm. However, I do like what’s implied, what isn’t there: perhaps it’s just the completely random tragedy of an innocent person on the way to his car in the parking lot after work. Perhaps something else. I’m wondering how much it matters, and I’m thinking “not a lot.” In that case, points for you! For the purposes of this exercise, you did awesomely at creating a mood and keeping with it, and plot took a back seat and the story didn’t suffer much. So, nice job.
- demoncaterpie (2/5) – I’m amazed at how much you were able to say in around 550 words. But, a dying man’s last thoughts is not exactly creative. That, and it got pretty cliché at some parts to. This is a poem, and while I understand that only so much plot can come from a poem, the assignment was to tell a story. I think you could have added a lot more in this department.
- Virgilijus (2.5/5) – It’s a very simple plot; guy gets shot and is left to die. But I feel like some greater explanations are to be had; why was the man out in the middle of no where? Why was there no one at the parking lot and why was there no one nearby? What agenda did he have there? Too many unopened questions and too little expansion on the simple premise.
- Matt (4/5) – The “aboutness” of the story, eh? Your story is definitely about more than meets the eye—I think. Well, maybe. Let’s say that it’s a story about dying. And also that more content would have been necessary to make this theme stronger.
- demoncaterpie (2/5) – Um, dying sucks? Violence is bad? Pretty shallow if you ask me.
- Virgilijus (2/5) – It’s difficult for me to pin point a theme in here, especially when I look in context with the lyrics of the song. Is it about the delirium one gets when facing their own death? I guess it might be. And if it is then it was too obscure to warrant more points. And if it isn’t, well, you still have your two points.
“I mean really, how much stuff can you say in only 547 words? I’m going to assume you were rushed when you wrote this, but come on. You can do better. Your style alone tells me this. I’m still waiting for a true Eorlingas piece, I just hope I don’t have to wait that long. Metaphysical conversations with yourself make for great poems, not so great stories. Keep trying, and I know you’re next one will be better.”
Kragen - Parachutes (99.5/150 pts)
- Matt (6.5/10) – Hmm. The lyrics were too few for much of a bridge between the song and your story. However, I am familiar with the song and know that it’s under a minute, and I know the feel of it well. Does your story match the feel of the song? Yeah, I’d say it does. Did you develop that feel artistically enough into the shape of the song? Not so much. More on that below.
- demoncaterpie (8/10) – I don’t know if it’s against the rules to write about a song with such few lyrics, but I don’t think it’s very fair.
- Virgilijus (6/10) – From the lyrics to the song and the performance, I gathered an admirable and optimistic love coming from the singer. And while in many ways you tried to show that through actions and descriptions, they just didn’t really fit into the essence of the song. The man is trying to tell her he’ll always be there for here, but there is no emphasis of that in your story.
- Matt (3/5) – English isn’t your first language? It’s certainly not bad, but there are some very notable mistakes (aside from a couple of typos). Mostly it was formatting and grammar related. Some of your adjectives weren’t proper, I don’t think. Descriptive words are tricky.
- demoncaterpie (4/5) – Writing in the present tense is very difficult, but you nailed it…for the most part.
- Virgilijus (4/5) – From the lyrics to the song and the performance, I gathered an admirable and optimistic love coming from the singer. And while in many ways you tried to show that through actions and descriptions, they just didn’t really fit into the essence of the song. The man is trying to tell her he’ll always be there for here, but there is no emphasis of that in your story.
- Matt (5.5/10) – “It makes me feel alone” is the sort of something that I discourage in storytelling. Through descriptive language and metaphors and atmosphere and every action of the narrator we should be able to feel his loneliness. Implicit over explicit. Some of the thoughts don’t seem very plausible or don’t feel wholly important, and in short stories like this especially it’s vital that every detail perform the arduous duty of being important. The dialogue is cute. I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing for this story.
- demoncaterpie (9/10) – Your characters seemed to jump out of the pages. I really felt a bond with them. They definitely felt like two friends in love.
- Virgilijus (4/10) – The narrator is a young guy in love. There are so many things you could have written to evince his character more; past struggles the two may have had in the relationship, physicals signs of adoration during their time together, etc. Otherwise, we just see the skin instead of the churning emotions below. Everything for the narrator holds for his love as well.
- Matt (10/15) – You seem to have been preoccupied with making sense of the title, and I would argue that the title doesn’t have to be important. However, you made an interesting metaphor out of it, and that is duly noted. Your effort was mostly a success in giving the story a feeling of unleashing, of a single sort of plummeting sensation into the unknown (love, growing up, one’s self). I think that there was too much dialogue and not enough atmosphere, not enough stimuli for the senses. Not bad overall, though. This was a tough prompt for style and you handled it pretty well.
- demoncaterpie (13/15) – Your writing is so elegant, like a song (*wink wink*). You messed up a couple of times with wording and stuff, but nothing too serious. Just, you know, enough for you not to get a perfect in this category.
- Virgilijus (7/15) – No doubt you have your own style, but in many ways I felt an over use of dialogue that limited what you had to say. As the two are walking to the moor, they just give sentence long quips back and forth to each other with a line or two in between telling what they are doing; we want to know what he is thinking, what her profile looks like as he is walking beside her, what anticipation he has for the new year and their relationship, why what they are doing is essential to the story. At some parts you tried, but they seemed forced and blocky, considering the mood of the song.
- Matt (3.5/5) – A small moment in time, a new year approaching, two young people kissing, fireworks and exploding dolls, but no conflict in sight.
- demoncaterpie (4/5) – A simple and beautiful love story. What more is there to say?
- Virgilijus (2/5) – A boy in love takes his love out on New Year’s Eve. Very simple, and left something to be desired for; perhaps some minor conflict or mention of one in the past, or maybe the unlikely scenario in which they met. It just needs a little something to propel it further, to entice me along instead of pulling me.
- Matt (5/5) – Like I said, I dig the metaphor of diving into the unknown. This is a story about more than love. Good job.
- demoncaterpie (/5) – Stop stalling and jump. Take risks, make mistakes. Unfortunately, the simplicity of your story made your overall theme somewhat weak and non-existent.
- Virgilijus (2/5) – I feel themes involving love are tough since most stories revolve around love and its consequences. Here, it is hard for me to see a theme that is outstanding or warranting of a higher score. Love makes us happy; yes, but we all know that. Tell us something that will make us ponder and debate, only to have us ponder again.
“My mom would love this story. She would probably cry. She would probably tell me to let you win. But it’s almost too simple. A little more meat would have made this story perfect. But, as it stands, it’s just a simple love story, nothing more, and nothing less.”
OnYourMark - The Hill of Dreams (73/150 pts)
- Matt (5/10) – Reading the lyrics and then reading your story didn’t really spark much a connection to me. Reading the lyrics a few more times, I started to see what you were going for. However! For basing this off of a song that was directed by the great visionary Myazaki, I definitely expected more. Even given the nature of the song, I think that your story lacked a lot of necessary color.
- demoncaterpie (8/10) – A corny song with a corny story. What happened to the flue part? Oh well, nice job anyway.
- Virgilijus (5/10) – To me the lyrics screamed of a budding relationship between a young or reconciled couple (“We can't say the right thing, like telling time on a clock with invisible hands. We're too young to appreciate it, much to our chagrin). Having the relationship between a young girl and her long lost father completely took away the blossoming love feel of the song which to me meant a lot. The song also has a very strong “starting over” motif which you adhered to, but it seemed some what sappy and unrealistic in essence.
- Matt (5/5) – I didn’t spot that mistake you mentioned! Lucky you.
- demoncaterpie (5/5) – Pretty good as far as I can see.
- Virgilijus (4/5) – That mistake you warned us judges about? I found it.
- Matt (4/10) – To use your own words, your characterization was a bit threadbare. I didn’t real feel that the dialogue was genuine. You tried to cover too big a span of time and too many key events and inevitably things were rushed, especially the dialogue. The situation of the characters’ seems highly unlikely, too, if not a bit corny.
- demoncaterpie (3/10) – I’m sorry, but I didn’t feel any connection with your characters. Aurora was weak and unbelievable. One line in particular really threw me off. “With no dad and a dead mom,” Aurora explained to Mark, “there is no way that I can afford the surgery that I need to fix my legs.” Come on, would a little girl actually say that? It’s so heartless. Either she has no emotion, or you need to fix this. The dad isn’t much better. He practically defines a static, archetypical character. Not to mention he isn’t the least bit interesting.
- Virgilijus (2/10) – I found both characters rather unbelievable and somewhat shallow. I doubt that any ten year old, handicapped girl has ever in the history of speech told a stranger “Why do you hurt me like this, Mr. Mark? Why do you ask me what I want when there is no hope for me? With no dad and a dead mom there is no way that I can afford the surgery that I need to fix my legs.” Also, why would Mark not tell her that he is her father when he first met her: to fill her life with suspense? Both were just too far fetched to merit a good score.
- Matt (8/15) – Nothing too extraordinary here. Again, for something so near and dear to Myazaki, I would expect a fantastic atmosphere and sensual stimuli galore. Details of any kind were very sparse. You should have let the lyrics guide you better in creating a more lyrical piece, something that reads like a song and forms in the mind’s eye like a fantasy.
- demoncaterpie (9/15) – Corny, but consistent. Awkward phrasing was a slight issue, but nothing too serious. The main problem was that it was just so boring.
- Virgilijus (5/15) – Through all of the dramatic events of a child reuniting with her father and a young girl finally being able to walk again, there was so little description and words that made me truly feel what was going on. I wanted to feel her small fingers gripping her corduroy teddy bear as she sat helpless on the pavement. I wanted to be touched by her realization of a complete stranger giving her her legs back, not that she just smiled. Your descriptions just had no substance behind them.
- Matt (2/5) – Rushed. She’s in and out of the hospital in a single sentence, her father is gone for vague business reasons and disappears with a native tribe for even vaguer reasons, her mother dies in a cliché anime-esque moment. Even the progression of what little is there isn’t terribly compelling because it’s too predictable.
- demoncaterpie (1/5) – It seems like you’re writing the script for the next Disney Channel Special. Everything is just way too happy and too corny (corny is also the one word I would use to describe this story) and nobody learns anything. In order to get people to feel anything in a story, you need to put in real, living and breathing emotions. There isn’t any in this story. I know you wanted people to feel sad, then happy, but I didn’t feel anything.
- Virgilijus (2/5) – The plot could have been much more solid and believable. There was no orphanage or relative that would look after a young partially paralyzed girl instead of leaving her on the street? How did Mark even recognize his daughter if he left when she was unborn? I really wasn’t sold on it at all or at the pace that it progressed which was all too quick.
- Matt (2/5) – The theme isn’t at all powerful but could have been made so with more sensory details, with a stronger plot, and with a different them altogether. It’s important to leave more to the imagination, to leave room for interpretation.
- demoncaterpie (1/5) – Weak, at best. Seriously, you must be working for Disney or something (sorry for all the Disney bashing, but I’m just not very happy with them right now). “Dreams come true” is a concept that’s been done to death, and in much better circumstances. Avoid clichés next time your right.
- Virgilijus (2/5) – While I agree with the theme that everyone gets another chance and the joys that come from the kindness of strangers, they weren’t fully flushed out in a convincing or moving way. I’m giving you a two because the execution could have been better
“I guess the one thing you should get out of this review is to not write corny and cliché stories. If you want to get people to emotionally respond to your stories, you need to create real and interesting characters in real and believable situations (real and believable in regards to the story, that is). But hey, with a little practice, you could be a great author. Just keep writing and you’ll get better.”
Scav - Cells (127.5/150 pts)
- Matt (7.5/10) – Interesting interpretation. A lesser writer wouldn’t be able to pull off a story about transsexuals and butt sex, but you, sir, are not a lesser writer. You managed to make something that would be otherwise tasteless… not tasteless. Mostly. But I was really hoping for a more fantastic sort of interpretation, whereas your story reads more like an episode of The Shield. I love that show, but that sort of raw and shocking realism isn’t quite what I had in mind for this contest. You stayed true to the song, however, so I can’t penalize you much.
- demoncaterpie (8.5/10) – Well, that’s one way to interpret the song, but I can’t help thinking you’re missing a point somewhere. Oh well, great job though.
- Virgilijus (7/10) – [no comment]
- Matt (4.5/5) – Two typos, but otherwise awesome.
- demoncaterpie (4/5) – Nothing too serious, but enough to notice. You repeated some words as well.
- Virgilijus (4/5) – [no comment]
- Matt (10/10) – Quirky. Believable. You got it, brotha.
- demoncaterpie (8.5/10) – Great job! Fischer was a very convincing character, as was the hooker. I was just a little confused by his actions, which is kind of a big deal considering what he does. But, that could just be me. Don’t let the eight point five upset you, because you really did well in this category.
- Virgilijus (9/10) – [no comment]
- Matt (13.5/15) – Other than writing about anal sex and transvestites, you didn’t really take a lot of chances. Stylistically, at least. What you did write, of course, was rendered very well, even disregarding how quickly it was written. And truly, you captured the essence of the song, and you paid good attention to doing what was necessary to make the transition from poetry to prose. Perhaps too well! Like I said, I was looking for something chancier, more poetic.
- demoncaterpie (14/15) – Consistent throughout. I love all of the little descriptions of his apartment, which slowly builds up his anger until he explodes at the conclusion. Excellent work.
- Virgilijus (13/15) – [no comment]
- Matt (5/5) – No one else here knows plot quite like you do.
- demoncaterpie (4/5) – Interesting and engaging. The things a guy will do when he’s fed up with the world. I love how he’s a cop, it really adds an extra dimension to the story. All in all, it was a great read.
- Virgilijus (3/5) – [no comment]
- Matt (5/5) – True to life, and subtle. I expected no less from you. Props for the Sisyphus reference.
- demoncaterpie (4/5) – A man will do things that society would consider horrible in order to get revenge for the circumstances that said society has placed on him. I don’t know if this is what you had in mind, but that’s what’s so great about good themes. They can be interpreted in many ways.
- Virgilijus (3/5) – [no comment]
“I’m not one of those guys who say “OMG!!!11!! GAY SEX THIS SUXORZ!!!11!!” If it has a point in the story, like it does here, then I’m cool with it. This was a great read, though creepy, but I think that’s the sensation you wanted when you wrote this. Keep it up and I’ll be reading your stories in the New York Times (but probably not this particular one).”
Sheepyman - Fruit Tree (120/150 pts)
- Matt (10/10) – You followed the lyrics very closely and created a fitting narrative. That’s what I asked for and that’s what you did. So, that’s that.
- demoncaterpie (9/10) – Great interpretation of the song.
- Virgilijus (7/10) – I think you caught the song pretty well, although it just didn’t have the atmosphere that the lyrics gave off; a more of a pessimistic fading, if that makes sense. Needless to say you did a good job incorporating the actual lyrics into the story.
- Matt (4.5/5) – Minor typos, an improper usage or two of the semicolon. Overall solid.
- demoncaterpie (5/5) – No problems that I could see.
- Virgilijus (5/5) – I didn’t find any mistakes on my first pass through.
- Matt (6.5/10) – I think the overall brevity in your style and in the plot made for somewhat bare characterizations. Your characters had some quirks to make them unique, and there should be more of a focus on that. There were times when you explicitly stated things about the characters that I thought could have been more subtle, more implicit. Hmm. I think, overall, they feel more like characters in a fairy tale, and maybe not as lively as you intended. Something is definitely missing. The characterization of the tree, although neat, lacked depth.
- demoncaterpie (9/10) – I really felt connected with the main character, and I love his descriptions of his family. You’ve got some serious talent in this department.
- Virgilijus (6/10) – As much as the situation that the narrator was in was realistic, I found him much less so. His transformation to a big business man seemed very sudden with too little conflict coming from his former life. I would have liked to have seen more of an inner conflict with in him than what was shown.
- Matt (10.5/15) – Like I said, brevity. It works, yes, but not so much for a story that should read like music. I don’t agree with a lot of your fragment choices, because they paused the story when I don’t think a pause accomplished anything stylistically. Rarely do I say this, but I think more adjectives would have helped, at least in bringing the world more to life. I had trouble visualizing what should have been a very lush, vivid world of plentiful fruits.
- demoncaterpie (13/15) – Very interesting, I was hooked until the end. There was one part when you switched to the tree’s point of view. It didn’t seem like a natural change to me. Other then that, really good job.
- Virgilijus (10/15) – As much as your style told me everything it needed to in its short, concise sentences, it just really didn’t have much punch to it. Maybe it was because your story was rather short and fast paced that things were skimmed over instead of elaborated on, leaving them a little bland.
- Matt (3.5/5) – Looking back at it again, the last line definitely has a fairy tale feel to it. I can just see a mother reading it to her child, closing the giant old tome with a wise smile and half-closed eyes. It’s a pleasant image, but it shouldn’t come to mind here. I’m a big fan of contemporary, and the structure of this story really felt more old-fashioned than I like.
- demoncaterpie (4/5) – It’s amazing that such a simple idea can be so interesting. The ending was pretty obvious, but in a good sort of way. I couldn’t stop thinking about it after I was done. Great job!
- Virgilijus (3/5) – I enjoyed the plot, although I must say it was awfully cliché and therefore predictable. Maybe introduce a subtle conflict or a red herring beneath the main story.
- Matt (5/5) – I didn’t see it coming, actually. And when it did come, I could go back and trace all the signs of it. Nicely done.
- demoncaterpie (4/5) – The only thing that prevented you from getting a five in this department was how you kind of made the theme a bit too obvious. Other then that, you did a great job (I can’t say that enough about this story). We all need to look out for what’s really important to us. Oh, and the last line didn’t seem to fit the story. But it’s nothing to worry about.
- Virgilijus (4/5) – I can’t explain why, but I’ve always had an interest in the characteristics of fame; the damage that it brings along with good. And while it remains rather straight forward, it is still something worth ruminating.
“What’s great about this story is its simplicity. You didn’t try to over-gloss the story with cheap tricks and fancy words. What you made was a real, genuine story. And for that, I’ve got to give you props.”
Sizzle - Wet Sand (87.5/150 pts)
- Matt (5.5/10) – I will admit it: after reading the lyrics many times, I still don’t really get them. After reading your story, I still don’t really get them. Obviously, though, you saw something I didn’t. Something, yes, but not everything. There were a lot of details that probably should have been worked into your story to make it better correlate with the song and give it more meaning.
- demoncaterpie (7/10) – I don’t know. I felt like you missed something here. Like, the song was a little bit more then what was in your story.
- Virgilijus (6/10) – While I enjoyed the story and see its correlation to the lyrics, it has a more gloomy and downhearted mood to it than the song, which seems more up beat, being filled with shouts and exclamations and all. I’d like to give you a better score, but your story just seems to drift a little too far away.
- Matt (4.5/5) – A single typo.
- demoncaterpie (5/5) – No errors that I could see.
- Virgilijus (5/5) – No mistakes as far as I could see.
- Matt (6/10) – I do like your description of Nicole. However, I would like even more if Nicole were manifested in some more tangible form than a brief memory. I think there was room for a lot of symbolic exploration when Jeremy revisits the beach and is reminded of his late lover. There isn’t much for interpretation, and a lot of that comes down to wording. Keep in mind the senses when describing your characters, or seemingly unimportant quirks.
- demoncaterpie (2/10) – You barely developed your characters at all. Not only did I not feel connected with the characters, but I had absolutely no idea who they were. Make sure to develop your characters next time.
- Virgilijus (5/10) – I see the lonely boy searching for love, but I’d like to see more of what is going on in his mind, how he changed when he met her, how he changed when she died. He seems a timid young man, but in a story as short as yours it is hard to fully paint him out.
- Matt (9/15) – Like I said in the characterization comments, I think you should have taken more chances to develop the world better with symbols and metaphors. Also, again, the lyrics didn’t guide your story as much as they should have. There’s a deep and heartfelt narrative somewhere in this, but it needs to be fleshed out.
- demoncaterpie (5/15) – You were fairly consistent, but not very interesting. Your style just made the story more boring and pointless. Sometimes, style can save a boring story. That is not the case here.
- Virgilijus (11/15) – You have a very curt style that holds quite a bit of meaning and gets the point across. But the story was too short to merit a better score and some of the descriptions felt a little misplaced in the dreary tale.
- Matt (3/5) – Too short, and wasn’t tight enough to feel complete or terribly compelling. I would have definitely liked to see this story framed better. That is: keeping the present time of the story at the beach from start to finish. The end is an interesting attempt, but falls short in making the story ultimately coherent.
- demoncaterpie (1/5) – You had the bare minimum of what would be considered a plot. I barely understood what was going on, and the climax ending appeared out of nowhere. Seriously, I just couldn’t figure out what this story was about, and you gave me no reason to care.
- Virgilijus (3/5) – While I like the plot and the shyness and repercussions of love, there were some things that would have been better off explained. How did Jeremy survive and why did he seem so detached from the tragedy at the end? If it was the emotional shock it should have been further fleshed out. I gave you a three because it seemed minimalist for as strong as it was.
- Matt (3.5/5) – Losing a loved one sucks. Not exactly original, but I’ll give a fair amount of “subtlety” points for not belaboring the theme, I suppose.
- demoncaterpie (/5) – “Fasten your seatbelt.” I’m sure there was more stuff going on, but this is all I could get from it.
- Virgilijus (5/5) – Maybe it is because I have had some similar experiences in love (sans dead people) that I can relate to the reluctance of giving one’s heart to another. As much as every one feels it, it is still something to dwell on.
“Don’t think that just because I wrote some mean things about your story that I never want you to write again. If I’m not honest with you, then you wont learn anything. It seemed like to story was really rushed. Next time you write a story, make sure to have a better game plan. Brainstorm, pre-write, outline, whatever. A little more preparation makes a story that much better.”
Skywalker - Tuesday Afternoon (81/150 pts)
- Matt (4/10) – There were mentions of trees and Tuesday afternoon, but really nothing else from the song. Granted, the song didn’t provide for much imagery. I guess that means you should have picked a song with more meat to it.
- demoncaterpie (8/10) – You gave your self a pretty open ended song, but you put a pretty creative spin on it. I don’t know if the whole “fairy-land of love” line inspired the story, but it would be pretty interesting if it did.
- Virgilijus (3/10) – The song was a happy little romp about a kind of existential dreamer being drawn into the beauty of nature. And while your story did have a man that found great delight in a nearby wood, it basically ends there. The song itself was more upbeat, with that ever so distinct 60’s persona of peace and love. So, when Robert killed Glen with a pick axe it just didn’t fit in at all.
- Matt (5/5) – I didn’t spot anything wrong.
- demoncaterpie (4/5) – A few spacing issues and such. Nothing serious.
- Virgilijus (5/5) – I didn’t find any mistakes.
- Matt (3/10) – I didn’t really learn anything about the characters other than what was made explicit, but there’s little coherency in why they are the way they are and why it’s important to the rest of the story. The relationship (or lack thereof?) between the two main characters makes very little sense. If the significance of the character’s tension is veiled in metaphor, then I’m having trouble envisioning anything appropriate about someone’s boss trying to date **** him. Or something. Your characters are way too confusing. The murder war brash and detracted completely from the tone of the story.
- demoncaterpie (5/10) – Your characters weren’t very consistent. They made decisions that just didn’t fit who they were. Not to mention they weren’t well developed. The gay thing at the end was somewhat interesting.
- Virgilijus (5/10) – Robert just didn’t seem too real of a character. During the whole story he is begrudgingly going to work in a dark and gloomy mine shaft with his only light being the beautiful meadow nearby. And what does he do after he escapes from that hell hole forever? He kills his boss with a pick axe, followed by his instantaneous metamorphosis into a loving sympathizer? You just didn’t show enough of him to make this some what believable.
- Matt (5.5/15) – There’s little consistency in the usage of imagery, and very little in the tone. You tried to emulate the style in the example story that I provided, but you can’t rely on one or two sentences sprinkled in to create a dreamlike atmosphere. The way you did it just makes those moments feel very misplaced, almost acid-trippy. Much more imagery is needed to give this story any sort of completeness. The atmosphere of the story is just too confusing. Also, I discourage having the narrator’s thoughts. Finding more creative ways to show what’s on the narrator’s mind is the best way to go.
- demoncaterpie (12/15) – Interesting and consistent. It tended to get plain and boring after awhile, but it got the job done.
- Virgilijus (8/15) – Sometimes you bogged down sentences with fruitless little adjectives: “I hurried along the dusty path. As I went farther, small plants climbed through the dry cracks in the sand. The arid landscape…” As much as dusty, small, dry, and arid describe the situation, they really don’t need to be there. From the situation we can assume that the path down towards the mine is a worn out, boot trodden path that no one wants to walk. But if you really want to tell us, make it worthwhile and more than dusty.
- Matt (2/5) – Unclear beginning. Corny ending like an action movie. It’s never really clear why the characters are in the situation they’re in, and even after we guess it’s certainly not care why we should care. There has to be something more urgent going on, and hasty murders (that are handled so nonchalantly!) should be avoided unless given more attention to.
- demoncaterpie (3.5/5) – The story was kind of funny, in a sick kind of way. Getting someone drunk and tricking them to work for you, but then actually having sex with them is pretty creative. But it all seemed to come together a little too quickly. Nice job, though.
- Virgilijus (2/5) – At first I enjoyed the plot and was wondering what was Robert going to do next. However, when he suddenly decided to kill Glen and then found a love poem Glen had written concerning Robert, I found it completely forced and out of the pace you had originally obtained. Having some one die does not necessarily create interest or a riveting twist, especially if it feels very misplaced.
- Matt (1/5) – At best, I guess this story is about how difficult it is to be a gay man in the world today, and how quickly you can be murdered for it by your employees who aren’t really your employees. Hmm. Considering there were no clues or no other mention of the whole gay thing except for the end, I’m not even sure if 1 point is appropriate.
- demoncaterpie (2/5) – Don’t judge a book by its cover. The wording and pace of your book made the final plot a little lame, but adequate.
- Virgilijus (3/5) – I can respect the theme of a man reaching for his dream or even that it takes a dire situation for some one to realize who they are. Now you just have to work on showing these a little more convincingly.
“It wasn’t good, but it wasn’t bad either. An average story with an average plot and an average style. But, I’m sure that next time you’ll write an extraordinary story with an extraordinary plot and extraordinary style. I look forward to seeing that story.”
technomancer - Office with a View (107.5/150 pts)
- Matt (7/10) – I definitely get the sense that the song and the story are related, and it’s clear that you paid close attention to aligning the two. I don’t think there’s a really consistent tone, however. I don’t feel a whole lot of anything having read the story, although I can see what you were going for. More on that below.
- demoncaterpie (8/10) – You wrote something that connected with your song, but I’m not sure if it was a story.
- Virgilijus (6/10) – For the most part you held onto the prompt rather well; the hatred for his position isn’t in a full blown rage, merely an unsettled questioning and dashes of discontent. However, the song had more of a rejuvenation in the end due to its uplifting freedom while your story had only a small change of pace which made it not as significant a “restart”.
- Matt (5/5) – Looked good to me.
- demoncaterpie (4/5) – A couple of noticeable errors, but nothing serious.
- Virgilijus (5/5) – If you had any, consider yourself lucky.
- Matt (8/10) – The map of the freckles thing really struck a chord with me. It’s little honest things like those that can make good stories great. More! Your narrator wasn’t extraordinary, and I realize he wasn’t meant to be. You did a good job at making him ordinary, believable, given his position in life. I think you tried to make his ordinary life seem something lamentable, but this didn’t come across as strongly as it could have. I think you would get a lot out of the recently published book “The Secret Lives of Men and Women.”
- demoncaterpie (6.5/10) – You told us what the characters are, but you didn’t tell us who the characters are. I may know what jobs these people have, but I have no idea what’s going on in their mind or soul. This makes your characters boring and uninteresting.
- Virgilijus (7/10) – In the self contained business world, there are the people that get drawn into the monotony and ennui of their job. Rarely do they instantly strike out in revolt and completely change their lives on a whim’s notice. That is why I can see the narrator’s little epiphany at the end more revealing than a dramatic outburst; it showed a calm thinker making his changes. I also would have liked to seen more of his girlfriend who seemed more of a draw in the lyrics.
- Matt (11/15) – I liked the coherency of the ideas, little things like a separate paragraph for “I think I’ll keep my day job” and how its significance is implicit but definitely there. My biggest concern, though, is that there are big paragraphs given to both his old girlfriend and his friend, but the details of them aren’t very integral to the story. Especially because of its shortness, it’s important that every single detail (quite literally) works.
- demoncaterpie (10/15) – Plain, simple, and consistent. What can I say, it got the job done.
- Virgilijus (11/15) – Your words have brevity that paints a very clear image. It’s just your story was very short and some of the paragraphs seemed like transparent descriptions of things that never came into play: his college years and his old girlfriend. Tell me something about him that matters and impacts him so he wouldn’t be the same without it.
- Matt (3.5/5) – What “happens” in the story is subtle, and is internal. I like that. However, again, a lot of the details didn’t serve to move along the plot.
- demoncaterpie (.5/5) – I’m not sure there was a plot. It was just a guy talking about his life, which is pretty boring.
- Virgilijus (3/5) – After erasing two of my comments and thinking about it, I actually enjoyed the plot. When he walked up onto the top of the building I actually thought he might jump to end his hum drum life instead of taking in the view and deciding to change his life in more constructive (yet small) ways. It was simple but with great underpinnings.
- Matt (5/5) – There wasn’t anything earth-moving here, but there didn’t have to be. Your theme matched the theme of the song and was executed well, I think.
- demoncaterpie (2/5) – Life may suck, but at least the views nice. Not too bad, but no that great either.
- Virgilijus (5/5) – Change or die. It holds true to every one in so many different situations. That and you didn’t present it in a very cliché or sappy way. Good job.
“There isn’t much I can say. Nothing happened in this story. While your characterization was alright and your style was effective, your plot (or lack thereof) really hurt your story in almost every category. Even with a limit of 2500 words, you should be able to make a convincing plot.”
Wak - Lil'-Butt (93/150 pts)
- Matt (7.5/10) – There’s no doubt that this story is inspired by the lyrics, but it was so dialogue-heavy between the boy and his mother that there was no room for mention of his brother or his girlfriend. I think they would have added some much needed diversity and additional perspective to an otherwise one-sided piece.
- demoncaterpie (7.5/10) – You only captured a portion of the song. What about his brother, or his girlfriend? But, the part you did capture was great. It really fit the song. Just, you know, not all of it.
- Virgilijus (8/10) – You really caught the angst and oppression that the boy felt by his family and friends. However, I felt some inclusion of his brother or girlfriend should have been warranted. Other than that they matched very well.
- Matt (3/5) – Some typos, some faulty grammatical constructions, some improper word choices. Not a bad translation, but it needed some more proofreading.
- demoncaterpie (1.5/5) – Don’t get me wrong, I understand this was originally in French. It’s just that I can’t make exceptions. Luckily I could still understand what was going on.
- Virgilijus (3/5) – I feel bad for giving you a three because I know how hard it is to properly translate something that isn’t your first language but I feel I have to remain fair to every one else.
- Matt (4/10) – I’ll grant you that the song itself was extremely straight-forward with the characterization, but I was still hoping for a little more subtlety in your interpretation. The protagonist comes off more like a lil’ *** than anything. We need to see more honestly how much he’s struggling against his parents, and the long and unnatural dialogues just don’t get the message across effectively. You need to describe more the look and manners of the characters, paying close attention to the senses. Also, I really discourage against internal dialogue with italics, because it rarely adds anything to the story and sucks out a lot of the subtlety. Also, angst is a pet peeve of mine.
- demoncaterpie (6/10) – You’re characters were pretty weak. David was pretty static, as he never really learned anything. The mom kind of learned something at the end, but it was a pretty lame realization. I like the Iron Maiden/Pink Floyd symbol of how she didn’t understand her son, but it still seemed fake.
- Virgilijus (6/10) – As much as I liked the qualities of both characters there really isn’t much of a transformation in either of them (excluding Gisele, but I can only say that it felt too quick and unnatural compared to her previous temperament and mindset). And as much as I believed and felt the angst of David, he was virtually a one sided character with (in his eyes) no internal conflict.
- Matt (7.5/15) – I really don’t understand the artistic need for the way you expressed the dialogue, or why you flopped between two styles for no apparent reason. You didn’t use much descriptive language. Most everything was laid out in the dialogue, and that was definitely something I wanted writers to stray away from in this exercise.
- demoncaterpie (12/15) – Consistent, but pretty plain. This could also be because it was originally in French, but again, I can’t make exceptions.
- Virgilijus (10/15) – It’s hard for me to judge your style because of the translation and what diction and syntax you originally laid out for it. The dialogue seemed a little stiff with actor, comedian, and lawyer used in almost every sentence or two. Also, there weren’t any stinging words or sentences that really showed the atmosphere or gravity of what was actually happening.
- Matt (2.5/5) – The son’s leaving could have been a lot more poignant if we had seen more of his character in action, rather than in whining. Like I said earlier, a scene with his brother or his girlfriend would have benefited the plot greatly. The ending is corny. They can afford a butler but the mother still prepares the food?
- demoncaterpie (2/5) – Kid wants to be an actor. Mother doesn’t want him to. He does it anyway. Mother learns a lesson. The song seemed to have a much more interesting plot, which is why I’m surprised you only wrote about part of it. But, I’m grading your story, not your song. Next time, try adding a little more in this department.
- Virgilijus (3/5) – While I enjoyed the story of a young man being oppressed by the paternalism of his mother, it was very straight forward and basic. It was also repetitive, with a great majority of the story being the continuation of Gisele telling him to be a lawyer and David saying no. Some other small or slightly relevant yet unique plot would have added significantly to the story.
- Matt (3.5/5) – It’s a compelling theme, chasing your dream against all odds, but I wish you’d have presented it with the all of things I mentioned above that were needed. It was also very heavy-handed in the way the mother relents at the end and we’re told that everything will work out for the son. Best to leave the ending open-ended.
- demoncaterpie (1/5) – Never, and I mean ever, state your theme directly in a story. Now that that’s out of the way, “Let your kids do what they want” is pretty interesting, it just didn’t have that much support from the rest of your story.
- Virgilijus (5/5) – The oppression of dreams and the risk of searching for them; good stuff that never gets old or loses its importance.
“But hey, maybe this is only because your story wasn’t translated right. Maybe next time you’ll have a wonderful story with a rich and beautiful translation. Until then, keep at it. I look forward to your next story.”
Xsyven - Sleep (95/150 pts)
- Matt (6/10) – This was the most challenging piece in the contest by far. I’ve said before that I’m much more receptive to artistic attempts than to something that just tries to emulate everything else, so I read your jumble of insanity with an open mind. Still, because the one thing that’s heavy or of consequence (the pills) is completely a mystery and we’re just supposed to get the sense that it’s something important without really getting it, the piece wasn’t very compelling beyond being bizarre. I do appreciate the attempt at subtlety in relaying urgency to the reader, but it falls short of being gripping in the wake of so much randomness and a lack of visual interest. Props for taking a chance, though.
- demoncaterpie (8/10) – Your story definitely fits the song, but it’s not perfect.
- Virgilijus (4/10) – The lyrics to the song seem very passive and peaceful; a man wishing to sleep to avoid what troubles him. Not to mention how smooth and flowing the song actually is. On the other hand, your story was very sporadic and rushed, running at a hundred miles a minute. It just didn’t feel like it caught the essence of the song despite the similarities in the speakers sleeping troubles.
- Matt (4.5/5) – Occasionally your ellipses were formatted incorrectly.
- demoncaterpie (4/5) – For how you were writing, you did a great job in this department.
- Virgilijus (5/5) – Some of the syntax was way out of whack, but considering it is all internal dialogue and intentional I won’t penalize.
- Matt (7/10) – You did some things very well, such as the comparison to Pinocchio and the asterisks describing his name. Those sorts of things are clever and give us an insight into how the protagonist really views himself. Because there are no other people for him to interact with, however, whatever else we should know about his character is left to the imagination. Yes, he’s clearly a bit paranoid and self-doubting, and we get the general sense why (with his impending appointment related to these mystery pills), but in a story that just takes place in the wandering mind of someone trying to sleep, there is little room for much liveliness.
- demoncaterpie (9/10) – I really felt a connection with the main character. I feel the same way sometimes when I can’t get to sleep. The counting things and trying to get the same number is almost exactly like what I do. Maybe I should seek medical help…
- Virgilijus (4/10) – The only thing I really saw of Travis was that he was paranoid and had ADHD. There were bits and snippets of other things in his life, but then he just snapped back to the same train. While doing that does give me a brief sense of who he is, it is not a defining part of his character. I want to see who he is at his core, his definite shape. His lack of interaction with others may be hindering that.
- Matt (9.5/15) – Again, I give you due credit for being experimental, and I understand that a lot of the thoughts (especially the more random and unnecessary ones) were meant to create a sense of monotonous time passing. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make for a very compelling read. Did I mention that ellipses are a pet peeve of mine? You used them appropriately, if not in ridiculous excess. There should have been a much greater emphasis on imagery, something more dreamlike. This style was, in your words, like random asterisks. John D’Agata had an interesting take on this style in his essay “Flat Earth Map” in Halls of Fame. Check it out.
- demoncaterpie (13/15) – You wrote with a great sense of direction and power, but it almost seemed like it was too much. I found myself getting a little board after a while. You need to make the insanity interesting for the reader, not just insanity for the sake of insanity.
- Virgilijus (8/15) – It is definitely unique, but I feel it could have had more of an impact in another form. At some points I was thinking to myself “Oh, this paragraph is just about eights” and became quickly disinterested. Also, it just didn’t really feel to me like a man trying to fall asleep, although maybe I just have a different thought process when I’m nodding off. The high points of the story just seemed too spread out with the style you chose.
- Matt (1.5/5) – This story suffers from lack of direction. Ultimately, he’ll go to sleep (and then to the doctor), but every detail before that is barely worth following other than to give us a brief synopsis of a few of his character traits. The urgency isn’t clear enough and comes too late.
- demoncaterpie (2/5) – A man can’t sleep because he’s crazy. Pretty weak set-up, but you kept it interesting. It was more poetry or metaphysical (which I have now decided is my new favorite word) babble then actual story.
- Virgilijus (2/5) – There really wasn’t much of a plot; no twists, no action that needs to be settled, just a guy’s random thoughts about numbers and tomorrow. And while the concept of his medication needs comes in at the end, it seemed too little development too late.
- Matt (3.5/5) – The effort was well-intended to slowly build up importance around the number 8, but the importance still falls well short to the reader.
- demoncaterpie (1/5) – Was there a theme? I couldn’t find anything, besides “Crazy people can’t sleep.”
- Virgilijus (3/5) – No theme really developed until the end with Travis’ realization that he might be crazy which begs the question “How can some one realize they are crazy?” and it’s ramifications. But it came so far at the end of the story and wasn’t dwelled upon for long which takes away from its impact.
“Note: Don’t try to explain certain parts of your story. If it’s a good story, the reader will figure it out for himself. Oh, and don’t worry. I won’t be a douche and take off points for that. You definitely got talent, but you just need to work on your presentation. With a little more work, you could be posting some great stories on Smashboards. Keep at it and never give up.”
