manateen

[Luigitoilet]

he felt golden. a long, black and gray chasm ruptured above him. and below him a frothing blue violence. needles of rain exploded against his skin. just leave me alone. just let me be and no-one will be hurt.

he was stripped of his garments, some time ago, he could not remember. the rabid foam ate his feet as the tide began to advance. his eyes were closed now but burning hot beneath his eyelids.

he breathed water. waves crashed and slap rattled his bones. fully swallowed by the sea into the endless tide.

his head swollen, bulging cold and alone in the dark and he began to feel at peace. he breathed water.

(note: title not mine)

 

[technomancer]

Could use some capitolization (sorry to nazi :/)

Needs more stuff. Verb in sentance 2, "ruptured," doesn't sound descriptive, but rather as if the chasm was actually rupturing.

Yeah, but anyway, it's hard to understand what's going on with so little to work with. More coming soon?

 

[Eor]

I've read this around ten times, but I just can't find the meaning of it.

 

[Luigitoilet]

since when are verbs supposed to be descriptive? a verb is an action. therefore, the 'chasm' WAS rupturing.

 

[Evil Eye]

A few things to say



-Don't listen to technomancer

-Eor was pretty close

-I "got it" and am therefore better than everyone else

-It was nice here but capitalize in the future

-I love you <3

 

[technomancer]

A chasm rupturing doesn't make sense... at least not to me. A rupture can create a chasm, but a preformed chasm would either split further or just sort of rumble and drop stuff.

The way it's written, dude is in the bottom of a chasm with an ocean at the bottom, perhaps a split in a cliff wall?, which is rupturing. The next two lines are his thoughts written in first person (everything else is 3rd person), and this should be denoted.

Rocks fall from above, splashing water on him, and either he was already injured or becomes injured, and the oncoming tide swallows him and he drowns.

But anyway, the way it's written, the story is not clear and you make alot of work for the reader. The theme is ???. The identity of the person is ??? (manateen???). The chasm is ???. Is there an analogy???. Too many ??? not enough story, and nothing that I can see that you can pull from it.

 

[Luigitoilet]

you dolt. it's a lot less ridonkulous than that. it's called imagery

 

[technomancer]

Then what's it about? Cuz I got nothing.

Ed: Everything was written in a "this happens" way. How am I supposed to infer something from that?

 

[Evil Eye]

LT's story is more a poem than a story. It's not meant to be fleshed out or proper.


The idea is simply the protagonist committing suicide by walking into the waves. He watches the sky shimmer and distort as he slips away with the tide and feels empowered by his ability to decide his own fate.

Then... he breathed water.