Before we start the story, there are some things some of you might need to know. First of all, this is a comical series and thus not meant to be taken seriously, so whoever takes it too seriously is an idiot. Also this first chapter isn't going to have too much stuff in it, well, because it's a first chapter, so be patient I will add new chapters regularly. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s move onto our main character, Chet.
Chet is a man’s man, the embodiment of badassery. He’s not exactly Bond or Snake Plissken, but he is a man’s man in his own way, which you’re sure to find out. He has a power, a special power, a power that lies dormant in a specific gesture of his. Whenever Chet is particularly disgusted or unimpressed, he will do the chetface/
hetface:
Here is the basic chetface
As you can see, Chet is not impressed. Anyway, as the title suggests, Chet will find himself unexpectedly in the nation of Smash World Forums, and this series will chronicle his adventures starting circa 2010, and of course, it will include all the rooms and many members of the site. So if I happen to make you look bad, don’t worry, it’s just fiction!
Chapter 1: An Unexpected Chain of Events
“SSV Ares to Commander Chetpard, please enter coordinates for destination”, the monotone of the ship’s AI filled every inch of the craft. Chet Chetpard, the captain of the ship, lay there in thought. What was there to do? There wasn’t really much to do on in the realm of the internet for a real man like him, nothing but pencil necked geeks, smelly mouth breathers, and idiotic sluts. It was then that it hit him; the internet at least had some planets with said sluts, so he might as well get off to them.
“Commander Chetpard to AI, use Google navigation to find coordinates corresponding to the words hot, teen, and sluts”.
“Yes Commander, bringing up most relevant results on display now”. The first option was definitely the one Chet wanted, the planet’s advertisement picture was that of a young, busty blonde in a cheerleader’s outfit, definitely what Chet was looking for. He keyed in the coordinates and hit go, soon he would be on his way to a brief period of sleazy bliss. The engines whirred and the ship suddenly blasted onwards, and for now, Chet was satisfied.
“SSV Ares to Commander Chetpard, Red Alert, your ISP is suffering from serious technical difficulties, switching to backup power source. We will have to initiate an emergency landing on the nearest planet, brace yourself”.
“Fuck I should never have cheaped out and gone with Comcast”. Chet was annoyed, but he took solace in the fact that pretty much the entire internet was composed of brothel planets, so even if he didn’t land on planet Teen Sluts, he’d at least get something. The ship jolted and started to slow down, it seemed he’d reached a nearby planet and the ship was preparing for an emergency landing. The ship slowed down further and a large, evidently well populated planet came into view. With a population like this, Chet was pretty certain he was home safe ready to dock on a brothel planet.
The SSV Ares docked, and Chet geared up, black t-shirt with a vaguely tribal white stencil design, showing two dragons or birds or whatever the fuck, who cares, it was manly. Then came the red and white racing jacket, accompanied by a pair of black jeans and black loafers. The exit bay opened and as the smoke cleared, Chet pulled on a fingerless studded driving glove onto his left hand, there was already one on his right. It was time to get busy.
Chet looked around the docking area, seeing some much more powerful foreign looking ships, it always annoyed him how American engines were just utterly subpar, how did that even make sense? He surveyed the people going in and out of customs, mostly nerdy white males, none of this really surprised him, after all, it was a brothel planet this was their average clientele. He saw a sign for customs and immigration, accompanied by a pink sign surrounded with hearts which read “Itty Bitty Welcoming Committee”. Chet smirked, it looked like he was going to be taken care of as soon as he stepped through the gates. As he reached customs, he noticed a slightly under average adult height blonde teenage boy wearing a horned helmet and donning a club. This surprised Chet slightly, after all, he seemed a little young to be working a seedy operation like this.
“You there, gentleman with big muscles, come here”, the Viking teenager called out. Chet walked over with manly vigour. “Welcome to Smash World Forums Mister...?”
“Call me Chet. Wait, forums? But Smash World that means like... smashing them [font]bitches’ pooses good right?” Chet was getting a bit anxious, and this wasn’t helped by the somewhat disapproving and perplexed look on the teenager’s face.
“No this planet does not tolerate language like that, neither does it tolerate sexual conduct nor discussion of any kind. This is a site dedicated to the community of fans of the competitive sport known as Smash Brothers, where characters from different universes are pitted against each other in specific forms of combat, with varying battle conditions. There are 3 series thus far, the 64 series, teh Melee series, and the Brawl series. Please take this membership seal and go through, remember. That seal is vital for your safe and easy travel across the planet”. The teenager handed a round seal over to Chet and ushered him through the gate.
Chet looked at the seal once he was in Smashboards, the seal was black and had a Bowser design carved into it. Chet looked around, he was in the Information Center district, desks with bored looking receptionists surrounded him, bored ugly receptionists. There was no poontang to be found. Even worse, it was a sausage fest, and it seemed a couple of the boys didn’t have the courtesy to bathe. Chet was beyond enraged, his disgust knew no limits, he stared back down at that faggy seal, and he lost control. His right eye squinted, the eyebrow rose slightly above it, his nostrils clenched at the top and flared, his mouth dropped open, revealing his perfectly ordered and pearly white teeth. A pulse erupted from his face, it seemed the power of his disgust was so great that it was able to manifest itself as a form of pure energy. The pulse ripped through the seal, cracking it in two.
Alarms blared out around Chet, his disgust was immediately replaced with confusion, what was going to be next in this ridiculous place? Where were the boobs? Why hadn’t he woken up yet? All these questions were cut short in his head by four men in dark suits and sunglasses dropping out of the sky, rushing towards Chet. One of the men grabbed the cracked seal and examined it, then looked towards Chet expressionlessly.
“You broke your seal, I’m afraid you have to come with us Mr. Chet”, his voice was as monotonous as Chet had expected.
“Man, can’t I just get out of here?”
“I’m afraid with that seal broken, you cannot leave Smashboards, and your travel across the planet will be severely hindered”.
“So where will you be taking me, exactly?” The men smiled upon hearing Chet’s question, it was obvious to him their intentions were not good.
“I think it’s best you didn’t know for now”. This was bullshit, and Chet was having none of it. He lunged forward and took a swing at the suited man closest to him, knocking him back slightly, but it didn’t seem to do much because he regained composure a second after the punch landed. Chet knew he was screwed deep down, but of course, he wouldn’t admit it to himself because the ultimate man can never lose, he clenched his fists and braced himself for the inevitable fight that was about to ensue.
Just as Chet was about to unleash his second wave of attacks, a golden yellow blaze of light ripped across the landscape and catapulted the suited men far into the distance. The blinding light dimmed and soon disappeared, and standing in front of Chet was an early adolescent boy with brown hair.
“Take my hand bro, no homo”. The boy had an English accent, which threw Chet off slightly, but he took his hand because, of course, it wasn’t homo. Chet’s surrounding’s dissolved followed by a soft whirr. A large city started to materialise around him with people fighting in the streets. Chet found this amusing, at least if there were no breasts, some violence would at least satiate his need for manly activities. “Hey, stop looking around and follow me”. The boy gestured towards a large villa behind them, and Chet reluctantly followed.
“So kid, who are you anyway?”
“I’m not a kid, I just look like this when I’m keeping a low profile. I like it though it suits me considering I’m a troublemaker”.
“That doesn’t answer my question”.
“I’m Teran, I run this here city you see here, and I was chosen to look after you by a secret organisation of sages. Still, you’re not going to see me much because I have better things to do”. They approached the entrance to the villa and Teran placed his palm on the door, causing it to melt and reveal a large foyer, dominated by a marble statue of a naked young man.
“Dude, what the fuck?” Chet’s face contorted into the chetface once again, causing another shockwave to blast forth, breaking the penis off the statue. Teran’s eyes widened in horror, and he immediately rushed over to the statue and dropped to his knees. A blinding light engulfed his body and his form changed into that of a late adolescent looking young adult.
“What have you done?!”
“Man, I keep blowing up gay shit around here with my face, can’t say I’m sorry but is this why those suits came after me?” Teran looked over, a mournful expression still on his face.
“Yeah, you are the chosen saviour. It seems your latent power manifests itself every time you make that disgusted face”.
“Wait, what? I just want to get off this homo planet”.
“When you broke your seal you made sure you couldn’t leave, and if you want to leave, you’re basically going to have to fulfil your destiny and end the reign of Smashboards’ Emperor”.
“How does that help?”
“All the seals are tied to him, so basically get rid of him, new governing body can make a new seal for you and you can get the fuck outta here”.
“Why can’t you just do it, you seem to have all these flashy tricks, more than I do”. Teran got up and left the room, returning a minute or so later with a case of beers. He threw one over to Chet and sat down on an armchair, he materialised one for Chet and offered him the seat. Chet walked towards it and sat down, but as soon as he lowered himself, it became clear that the seat was just an illusion, and he fell straight through and landed hard on his backside. Teran smiled at what he deemed to be his great ingenuity. “Drink up negro, this is gonna be one long story, and a really shitty one sober”.
[collapse=Chapter 2 Things Start To Make Sense, Kinda...]
Teran took a swig of his beer and scratched his head, it seemed that he was unsure of how to start the story. Chet had already finished his first beer, and signalled for another. It seemed obvious that Teran was taking too long, so Chet took it upon himself to at least get some answers to questions of his own.
“So Teran, right? Who were those suits anyway?” Teran let out a small sigh, evidently disappointed by the fact that he couldn’t formulate the story in time to stop Chet asking questions.
“Those were the Agents of Fail, some say they’re a group of Smashboards’ civil servants in disguise, some think they’re just minions of the Emperor, in any case, their mission is to suck the fun and soul out of Smashboards.”
“You wanna tell me about this Empreror?”
“Well yeah actually he’s the reason you’re here. Over three thousand years ago, the Empreror Jay Vee, a member of the MLG Consortium. Before that it was run by someone called Gideon, who decided to commit internet suicide and ascend to the realm of IRL forever. Jay Vee’s regime started as a rule of great promise, the infrastructure of the planet was vastly improved thanks to MLG’s great resources, but soon things started to fall apart. The first example was the Friend Finder technology, where people could link instantaneously to facilitate easier Smash Bros. Competition. This seemed minor, compared to the benefits of the improved infrastructure, so not much was said, and soon it was forgotten. Thing is, Chet, things got worse and worse. Less and less MLG presence, the introduction of the Agents of Fail, corrupt or inept civil servants; things just kept getting worse, and so a secret organisation was formed by some of Smashboards’ wisest and most powerful sages, with the purpose of bringing down the Emperor”.
“So how come you didn’t? There are more of you than him right?”
“True, but we’re all linked to him by the seal, and so is every person who obtains Smashboards citizenship, for this reason, while we can do a lot of things to hinder and disrupt the Emperor’s plans, we can never truly confront him and end his reign, for ultimately he could strip us of our powers and send us into exile?”
“So how come he hasn’t done that already?”
“Like I said we’re a secret organisation, he doesn’t actually know what we’ve been up to. Also, while it may seem odd that a clown like me is a civil servant, I’m actually good at my job, so, as far as he’s concerned I’m worth keeping around. The others are all exemplary civil servants who have been around for many many more years than I have, so there’d be no reason for him to can them either. Now you’re wondering where you fit in, right?”
“Right.”
“See, fuckin’ psychic brah. So yeah, basically we used some ancient magic voodoo voodoo mokoloko ooga booga and called out to the vast expanses of the internet for someone who could transcend the confines that plague us, and take down the Emperor, that person is you. The moment you came in you broke your seal, the seals are indestructible, even a permanently exiled citizen will still have a seal that is marked, not cracked. You are now stuck on Smashboards, which sucks sure, but the reason the Agents were so worried about you was that you have the power to traverse the planet completely under the government’s radar at all times, you are not tied to the Emperor, and thus, you can destroy him. We called for this to happen, and it has come to pass”.
“Word?”
“Word. The sages chose me to be your guardian spirit, which was a weird choice, but hey a man has to do his job right? In any case, you’re pretty weak right now, that was made clear by your pathetic attempt at taking down the agents. It’s cool though, you have potential, you can come to reach godlike power, but in order to reach that stage, you need to travel across the planet, learning about the people, the customs, and of course, finding sages and learning new techniques. Do this, and you will be performing the steps required to fulfil your destiny”.
“Uh okay bro, but where the hell do I go first?”
“I say your first destination should be the Back Room, it’s some super exclusive VIP burlesque, nightclub I dunno what exactly place that’s invite only. Normally you wouldn’t be able to get in, hell even I can’t, assholes, but one of the sages I trust the most is part of the management there, his name is Evil Eye, most call him EE. Ask for him, drop my name, tell him who you are, and he should hook you up. You’ll be well looked after and definitely well trained in the Back Room, for sure”.
“When you say burlesque, does that mean there will be tits?”
“Yes Chet... there will be tits”.
“Sweet, I’ll be seeing ya”. Chet got up and brushed his shoulders, for no other reason than to look like a badass, it was obvious that the Back Room was the right place for him to go.
“Hey, just wait a second Chet, there are a couple first techniques I think I should teach you before you head out”.
“Maaaaan what?” Chet sighed, this whole experience was nothing but an endless chain of cockblocks.
“Yeah yeah. Okay the two techniques are: Ultimate Seduction, where you’ll be able to seduce someone without fail, the second is Denzel Smile, you’ll work it out when I teach you”. The Ultimate Seduction was enough to sway Chet, this Teran guy may have seemed a little off on account of some strangely gay quirks, but it seemed he was going to make up for it with a tool a real man could use.
“So what I gotta do?”
“Just focus on me as I perform each technique”. Teran got up out of his armchair, staggering slightly on account of all the alcohol he’d consumed. “Bear with me... OKAY!” He was ready, stood upright with arms by his side, his hands raised outwards. He lowered his head and loosened his posture, suddenly he flicked his head back in what Chet could only describe as the most swishy and faggoty motion he had ever seen, before bringing his head back forward to look Chet in the eyes, Teran’s eye’s burned into Chet’s, but since Chet was straight this shit just wasn’t going to happen. A soft lilac glow emanated from Teran’s body as he opened his mouth slightly and formed a tentative smile, finishing it off with a wink.
“Dude...” Chet didn’t know how to react, he could feel his shock and disgust boil up to his neck, it was out of his control again, the chetface consumed him. Suddenly a lilac aura burst out of Chet, and a smile of approval lit up Teran’s face.
“Wow, can’t believe you caught on so fast, that face of yours really is something huh?”
“So you’re telling me by pulling this off, I can seduce any chick I want?” Chet’s excitement bled from his mouth.
“Um... well slight catch here, Ultimate Seduction, or I guess in your case Chetface Seduction will only work on gay guys”. Upon revealing this, Teran expected Chet to be consumed by the chetface once more, but instead, Chet’s face suddenly looked like that of a mother who’d lost a child. All that power he felt was at his fingertips just a moment ago had been cruelly ripped from him, his devastation was beyond words.
“What... what the fuck is the point in that?!” Chet exclaimed. Teran couldn’t hide his amusement, he lived for moments like this.
“Well, there are lots of fags on Smashboards, seducing them will give you a great level of control over them”.
“Hey look not being gay but are you... a fag?”
“Yep.”
“Then how come it didn’t work on you?”
“Because I wanted to fuck you since before you pulled it off, so it made no difference”.
Chet’s level of disgust started to rise again, but it was still overwhelmed by the level of his shock. He had drinks with a queer? Teran was a queer? Didn’t really seem like much of one outside of that statue. He looked up at Teran with a glare, to which Teran responded by reaching down to his pocket and pulling out a cigarette. He put it into the corner of his mouth, then pulled out a glossy, onyx black Zippo with his name engraved on it to light the smoke. He took a puff and put it back into the corner of his mouth, and a large, slightly mischievous but mostly smile of pure manly badassery crossed his face. This smile seemed to exist only to taunt Chet, to rub the disgust right in his face. It was too much for Chet, and once again the chetface overcame him, but as soon as it did, something bizarre started to happen. A cigarette materialised in his mouth, already lit. His mouth went from simply hanging open to mimicking the smile that Teran had on his, Chet was now mirroring Teran’s facial expression, and as soon as this happened, Teran’s face returned to normal, and Chet’s followed suit. The cigarette stayed, however, because remember kids, smoking is cool.
“What the hell was that?”
“Like I said, that was the Denzel Smile, it doesn’t really have much of a particular function yet, well none that I’ve figured out. It’s just one of the coolest things on Smashboards so it only seemed right that you master it. I find it’s best used when you’ve pulled off something badass or really gotten under someone’s skin”.
“So basically taught me two useless techniques, man you are the worst”. Chet had had enough, it was time to go. Besides even though he wouldn’t have the power of guaranteed seduction, he was all man, he didn’t need it. He’d bag those skanks in the Back Room like it was nothing. He adjusted his jacket, and walked out the door, he didn’t say goodbye or acknowledge Teran, who didn’t much seem to care. He stepped outside the gates of the villa back into the crowded streets filled with violence and chaos. He was alone, in the district of User Blogs, but he was getting out, and he was going to return to teach Teran a lesson, but for now, pussy was more important.[/collapse]
[collapse=denzelsmile]
[/collapse]
[collapse=Chapter 3 The Long Road Ahead] Chet exited the villa and gazed back on the chaotic streets of User Blogs, people were still screaming and rioting, although this didn’t really bother Chet as he found it rather humorous and exciting. Still, he had to find his way to the Back Room, and Teran was possibly the least helpful of guides one could possibly hope for. He needed more information, and he needed it at once.
He moved on trying to navigate the streets, looking for a more quiet place where perhaps there would be someone who could answer a few questions, all he needed was to be pointed in the correct direction and he’d be fine. He traversed the city for what seemed like hours, and it seemed the all he could find were empty streets or all out mob wars. Chet grew weary of his fruitless search for clues, and sat down on the corner of an empty street, brewing over the lamentable situation he was in. A few minutes later, however, it seemed his hopes were answered when he heard a voice call to him.
“Hey you, guy”. The voice was male and distinctly adult. Chet turned around and caught sight of a young black man who slightly resembled Samuel L. Jackson (the narrator swears the resemblance is really there). Chet looked at him as if to ask if it were he the man was referring to. “Yeah, you, you are the only person here after all”.
“Who are you, and what do you want?” Chet asked, not with venom but with a genuine curiosity mixed with a slight tone of boredom.
“I’m the guy that used to run this place, and I’m curious as to why you’re just passing through quietly and not wreaking havoc like people usually do here”.
“Well to be honest I’m trying to get out of here”.
“That’s pretty simple man you just use your seal to teleport wherever”.
“Yeah see here’s the deal, I busted it ‘cause I’m supposed to be some chosen warrior or some shit, so that’s not really an option”.
“Chosen warrior? Really? Well...” The black man’s interest was certainly piqued, and he signalled Chet to follow him down an alley.
“Hey yo I got nothing against you bro but I’m not going down a dark alley with some stranger, no offence”.
“Bubba doesn’t wear glasses, you’re not gonna get *****”.
“That’s a good point, try anything and I’ll kill you though”.
“Yeah yeah just come here it’s not safe for you to discuss this stuff out in the open”. The two walked through a series of alleys and ended up at a large building, not impressive on the outside except for a large, reinforced steel door. The man placed his palm on a glassy looking plate next to the door, causing it to slowly shuffle upwards and open. The two went inside, met by a large an impressive study, although it resembled a library more than the former. The man sat down at the mahogany desk, put his feet up, and took off his glasses. “The name’s Jam Stunna, most just call me Jam, anyway like I said I used to run this place and I know quite a bit about the planet in general. Surprising though should Teran have taken care of the basics?”
“Yeah that guy’s a bit...”
“Eccentric? Yeah I know but he has his moments, there’s a reason we chose him to look after you. Anyway you say you want to get out of here, you headed anywhere in particular?”
“Yeah, the Back Room or something”.
“Damn he isn’t wasting any time, good I guess. I’m a member there, but I’m resigned and I’m living the quiet life, got too much man stuff to do to be around here too often. Anyway, you’re gonna have to go a long way, the Back Room is in the Password Protected province, on the other end of the planet. Since your seal is bust, you’re going to have to travel the long way”.
“Well how exactly am I gonna cross a planet with no clue about how to get around this place?”
“Well I’ll use my powers to ingrain a map of the whole planet in your mind, after which you should know where to go without any issues”.
“Sounds good, do it”. Jam raised his hands and streaks of light started to paint a map in front of Chet. When the map was complete, it stretched and shot into Chet’s head, and after that, his knowledge of Smash World Forums’ geography was perfect. “Sweet, thanks man, you’re alright. Maybe I’ll see you later”.
“Probably not, I have actual important things to do”.
Chet saw himself out and emerged from the alleyways back into the main roads. He could hear screaming and explosions not so far from where he was. It didn’t matter to him, the route he had to take to leave wouldn’t intersect with the commotion. For the first time since Chet arrived he actually felt happy, he was finally getting somewhere and he knew it wouldn’t be long before he was off the miserable rock called Smash World Forums. The confidence surged through him as if it were a physical force, the warmth tingled in every digit of his hands, every inch of his body, the rush was sensational. He looked towards the horizon and braced himself, he ran towards it, and the energy permeating through his body exploded, causing him to rocket forwards in a trail of red light. In mere minutes, he had escaped the confines of User Blogs.[/collapse]
Chet is a man’s man, the embodiment of badassery. He’s not exactly Bond or Snake Plissken, but he is a man’s man in his own way, which you’re sure to find out. He has a power, a special power, a power that lies dormant in a specific gesture of his. Whenever Chet is particularly disgusted or unimpressed, he will do the chetface/
hetface: Here is the basic chetface
As you can see, Chet is not impressed. Anyway, as the title suggests, Chet will find himself unexpectedly in the nation of Smash World Forums, and this series will chronicle his adventures starting circa 2010, and of course, it will include all the rooms and many members of the site. So if I happen to make you look bad, don’t worry, it’s just fiction!
Chapter 1: An Unexpected Chain of Events
“SSV Ares to Commander Chetpard, please enter coordinates for destination”, the monotone of the ship’s AI filled every inch of the craft. Chet Chetpard, the captain of the ship, lay there in thought. What was there to do? There wasn’t really much to do on in the realm of the internet for a real man like him, nothing but pencil necked geeks, smelly mouth breathers, and idiotic sluts. It was then that it hit him; the internet at least had some planets with said sluts, so he might as well get off to them.
“Commander Chetpard to AI, use Google navigation to find coordinates corresponding to the words hot, teen, and sluts”.
“Yes Commander, bringing up most relevant results on display now”. The first option was definitely the one Chet wanted, the planet’s advertisement picture was that of a young, busty blonde in a cheerleader’s outfit, definitely what Chet was looking for. He keyed in the coordinates and hit go, soon he would be on his way to a brief period of sleazy bliss. The engines whirred and the ship suddenly blasted onwards, and for now, Chet was satisfied.
“SSV Ares to Commander Chetpard, Red Alert, your ISP is suffering from serious technical difficulties, switching to backup power source. We will have to initiate an emergency landing on the nearest planet, brace yourself”.
“Fuck I should never have cheaped out and gone with Comcast”. Chet was annoyed, but he took solace in the fact that pretty much the entire internet was composed of brothel planets, so even if he didn’t land on planet Teen Sluts, he’d at least get something. The ship jolted and started to slow down, it seemed he’d reached a nearby planet and the ship was preparing for an emergency landing. The ship slowed down further and a large, evidently well populated planet came into view. With a population like this, Chet was pretty certain he was home safe ready to dock on a brothel planet.
The SSV Ares docked, and Chet geared up, black t-shirt with a vaguely tribal white stencil design, showing two dragons or birds or whatever the fuck, who cares, it was manly. Then came the red and white racing jacket, accompanied by a pair of black jeans and black loafers. The exit bay opened and as the smoke cleared, Chet pulled on a fingerless studded driving glove onto his left hand, there was already one on his right. It was time to get busy.
Chet looked around the docking area, seeing some much more powerful foreign looking ships, it always annoyed him how American engines were just utterly subpar, how did that even make sense? He surveyed the people going in and out of customs, mostly nerdy white males, none of this really surprised him, after all, it was a brothel planet this was their average clientele. He saw a sign for customs and immigration, accompanied by a pink sign surrounded with hearts which read “Itty Bitty Welcoming Committee”. Chet smirked, it looked like he was going to be taken care of as soon as he stepped through the gates. As he reached customs, he noticed a slightly under average adult height blonde teenage boy wearing a horned helmet and donning a club. This surprised Chet slightly, after all, he seemed a little young to be working a seedy operation like this.
“You there, gentleman with big muscles, come here”, the Viking teenager called out. Chet walked over with manly vigour. “Welcome to Smash World Forums Mister...?”
“Call me Chet. Wait, forums? But Smash World that means like... smashing them [font]bitches’ pooses good right?” Chet was getting a bit anxious, and this wasn’t helped by the somewhat disapproving and perplexed look on the teenager’s face.
“No this planet does not tolerate language like that, neither does it tolerate sexual conduct nor discussion of any kind. This is a site dedicated to the community of fans of the competitive sport known as Smash Brothers, where characters from different universes are pitted against each other in specific forms of combat, with varying battle conditions. There are 3 series thus far, the 64 series, teh Melee series, and the Brawl series. Please take this membership seal and go through, remember. That seal is vital for your safe and easy travel across the planet”. The teenager handed a round seal over to Chet and ushered him through the gate.
Chet looked at the seal once he was in Smashboards, the seal was black and had a Bowser design carved into it. Chet looked around, he was in the Information Center district, desks with bored looking receptionists surrounded him, bored ugly receptionists. There was no poontang to be found. Even worse, it was a sausage fest, and it seemed a couple of the boys didn’t have the courtesy to bathe. Chet was beyond enraged, his disgust knew no limits, he stared back down at that faggy seal, and he lost control. His right eye squinted, the eyebrow rose slightly above it, his nostrils clenched at the top and flared, his mouth dropped open, revealing his perfectly ordered and pearly white teeth. A pulse erupted from his face, it seemed the power of his disgust was so great that it was able to manifest itself as a form of pure energy. The pulse ripped through the seal, cracking it in two.
Alarms blared out around Chet, his disgust was immediately replaced with confusion, what was going to be next in this ridiculous place? Where were the boobs? Why hadn’t he woken up yet? All these questions were cut short in his head by four men in dark suits and sunglasses dropping out of the sky, rushing towards Chet. One of the men grabbed the cracked seal and examined it, then looked towards Chet expressionlessly.
“You broke your seal, I’m afraid you have to come with us Mr. Chet”, his voice was as monotonous as Chet had expected.
“Man, can’t I just get out of here?”
“I’m afraid with that seal broken, you cannot leave Smashboards, and your travel across the planet will be severely hindered”.
“So where will you be taking me, exactly?” The men smiled upon hearing Chet’s question, it was obvious to him their intentions were not good.
“I think it’s best you didn’t know for now”. This was bullshit, and Chet was having none of it. He lunged forward and took a swing at the suited man closest to him, knocking him back slightly, but it didn’t seem to do much because he regained composure a second after the punch landed. Chet knew he was screwed deep down, but of course, he wouldn’t admit it to himself because the ultimate man can never lose, he clenched his fists and braced himself for the inevitable fight that was about to ensue.
Just as Chet was about to unleash his second wave of attacks, a golden yellow blaze of light ripped across the landscape and catapulted the suited men far into the distance. The blinding light dimmed and soon disappeared, and standing in front of Chet was an early adolescent boy with brown hair.
“Take my hand bro, no homo”. The boy had an English accent, which threw Chet off slightly, but he took his hand because, of course, it wasn’t homo. Chet’s surrounding’s dissolved followed by a soft whirr. A large city started to materialise around him with people fighting in the streets. Chet found this amusing, at least if there were no breasts, some violence would at least satiate his need for manly activities. “Hey, stop looking around and follow me”. The boy gestured towards a large villa behind them, and Chet reluctantly followed.
“So kid, who are you anyway?”
“I’m not a kid, I just look like this when I’m keeping a low profile. I like it though it suits me considering I’m a troublemaker”.
“That doesn’t answer my question”.
“I’m Teran, I run this here city you see here, and I was chosen to look after you by a secret organisation of sages. Still, you’re not going to see me much because I have better things to do”. They approached the entrance to the villa and Teran placed his palm on the door, causing it to melt and reveal a large foyer, dominated by a marble statue of a naked young man.
“Dude, what the fuck?” Chet’s face contorted into the chetface once again, causing another shockwave to blast forth, breaking the penis off the statue. Teran’s eyes widened in horror, and he immediately rushed over to the statue and dropped to his knees. A blinding light engulfed his body and his form changed into that of a late adolescent looking young adult.
“What have you done?!”
“Man, I keep blowing up gay shit around here with my face, can’t say I’m sorry but is this why those suits came after me?” Teran looked over, a mournful expression still on his face.
“Yeah, you are the chosen saviour. It seems your latent power manifests itself every time you make that disgusted face”.
“Wait, what? I just want to get off this homo planet”.
“When you broke your seal you made sure you couldn’t leave, and if you want to leave, you’re basically going to have to fulfil your destiny and end the reign of Smashboards’ Emperor”.
“How does that help?”
“All the seals are tied to him, so basically get rid of him, new governing body can make a new seal for you and you can get the fuck outta here”.
“Why can’t you just do it, you seem to have all these flashy tricks, more than I do”. Teran got up and left the room, returning a minute or so later with a case of beers. He threw one over to Chet and sat down on an armchair, he materialised one for Chet and offered him the seat. Chet walked towards it and sat down, but as soon as he lowered himself, it became clear that the seat was just an illusion, and he fell straight through and landed hard on his backside. Teran smiled at what he deemed to be his great ingenuity. “Drink up negro, this is gonna be one long story, and a really shitty one sober”.
[collapse=Chapter 2 Things Start To Make Sense, Kinda...]
Teran took a swig of his beer and scratched his head, it seemed that he was unsure of how to start the story. Chet had already finished his first beer, and signalled for another. It seemed obvious that Teran was taking too long, so Chet took it upon himself to at least get some answers to questions of his own.
“So Teran, right? Who were those suits anyway?” Teran let out a small sigh, evidently disappointed by the fact that he couldn’t formulate the story in time to stop Chet asking questions.
“Those were the Agents of Fail, some say they’re a group of Smashboards’ civil servants in disguise, some think they’re just minions of the Emperor, in any case, their mission is to suck the fun and soul out of Smashboards.”
“You wanna tell me about this Empreror?”
“Well yeah actually he’s the reason you’re here. Over three thousand years ago, the Empreror Jay Vee, a member of the MLG Consortium. Before that it was run by someone called Gideon, who decided to commit internet suicide and ascend to the realm of IRL forever. Jay Vee’s regime started as a rule of great promise, the infrastructure of the planet was vastly improved thanks to MLG’s great resources, but soon things started to fall apart. The first example was the Friend Finder technology, where people could link instantaneously to facilitate easier Smash Bros. Competition. This seemed minor, compared to the benefits of the improved infrastructure, so not much was said, and soon it was forgotten. Thing is, Chet, things got worse and worse. Less and less MLG presence, the introduction of the Agents of Fail, corrupt or inept civil servants; things just kept getting worse, and so a secret organisation was formed by some of Smashboards’ wisest and most powerful sages, with the purpose of bringing down the Emperor”.
“So how come you didn’t? There are more of you than him right?”
“True, but we’re all linked to him by the seal, and so is every person who obtains Smashboards citizenship, for this reason, while we can do a lot of things to hinder and disrupt the Emperor’s plans, we can never truly confront him and end his reign, for ultimately he could strip us of our powers and send us into exile?”
“So how come he hasn’t done that already?”
“Like I said we’re a secret organisation, he doesn’t actually know what we’ve been up to. Also, while it may seem odd that a clown like me is a civil servant, I’m actually good at my job, so, as far as he’s concerned I’m worth keeping around. The others are all exemplary civil servants who have been around for many many more years than I have, so there’d be no reason for him to can them either. Now you’re wondering where you fit in, right?”
“Right.”
“See, fuckin’ psychic brah. So yeah, basically we used some ancient magic voodoo voodoo mokoloko ooga booga and called out to the vast expanses of the internet for someone who could transcend the confines that plague us, and take down the Emperor, that person is you. The moment you came in you broke your seal, the seals are indestructible, even a permanently exiled citizen will still have a seal that is marked, not cracked. You are now stuck on Smashboards, which sucks sure, but the reason the Agents were so worried about you was that you have the power to traverse the planet completely under the government’s radar at all times, you are not tied to the Emperor, and thus, you can destroy him. We called for this to happen, and it has come to pass”.
“Word?”
“Word. The sages chose me to be your guardian spirit, which was a weird choice, but hey a man has to do his job right? In any case, you’re pretty weak right now, that was made clear by your pathetic attempt at taking down the agents. It’s cool though, you have potential, you can come to reach godlike power, but in order to reach that stage, you need to travel across the planet, learning about the people, the customs, and of course, finding sages and learning new techniques. Do this, and you will be performing the steps required to fulfil your destiny”.
“Uh okay bro, but where the hell do I go first?”
“I say your first destination should be the Back Room, it’s some super exclusive VIP burlesque, nightclub I dunno what exactly place that’s invite only. Normally you wouldn’t be able to get in, hell even I can’t, assholes, but one of the sages I trust the most is part of the management there, his name is Evil Eye, most call him EE. Ask for him, drop my name, tell him who you are, and he should hook you up. You’ll be well looked after and definitely well trained in the Back Room, for sure”.
“When you say burlesque, does that mean there will be tits?”
“Yes Chet... there will be tits”.
“Sweet, I’ll be seeing ya”. Chet got up and brushed his shoulders, for no other reason than to look like a badass, it was obvious that the Back Room was the right place for him to go.
“Hey, just wait a second Chet, there are a couple first techniques I think I should teach you before you head out”.
“Maaaaan what?” Chet sighed, this whole experience was nothing but an endless chain of cockblocks.
“Yeah yeah. Okay the two techniques are: Ultimate Seduction, where you’ll be able to seduce someone without fail, the second is Denzel Smile, you’ll work it out when I teach you”. The Ultimate Seduction was enough to sway Chet, this Teran guy may have seemed a little off on account of some strangely gay quirks, but it seemed he was going to make up for it with a tool a real man could use.
“So what I gotta do?”
“Just focus on me as I perform each technique”. Teran got up out of his armchair, staggering slightly on account of all the alcohol he’d consumed. “Bear with me... OKAY!” He was ready, stood upright with arms by his side, his hands raised outwards. He lowered his head and loosened his posture, suddenly he flicked his head back in what Chet could only describe as the most swishy and faggoty motion he had ever seen, before bringing his head back forward to look Chet in the eyes, Teran’s eye’s burned into Chet’s, but since Chet was straight this shit just wasn’t going to happen. A soft lilac glow emanated from Teran’s body as he opened his mouth slightly and formed a tentative smile, finishing it off with a wink.
“Dude...” Chet didn’t know how to react, he could feel his shock and disgust boil up to his neck, it was out of his control again, the chetface consumed him. Suddenly a lilac aura burst out of Chet, and a smile of approval lit up Teran’s face.
“Wow, can’t believe you caught on so fast, that face of yours really is something huh?”
“So you’re telling me by pulling this off, I can seduce any chick I want?” Chet’s excitement bled from his mouth.
“Um... well slight catch here, Ultimate Seduction, or I guess in your case Chetface Seduction will only work on gay guys”. Upon revealing this, Teran expected Chet to be consumed by the chetface once more, but instead, Chet’s face suddenly looked like that of a mother who’d lost a child. All that power he felt was at his fingertips just a moment ago had been cruelly ripped from him, his devastation was beyond words.
“What... what the fuck is the point in that?!” Chet exclaimed. Teran couldn’t hide his amusement, he lived for moments like this.
“Well, there are lots of fags on Smashboards, seducing them will give you a great level of control over them”.
“Hey look not being gay but are you... a fag?”
“Yep.”
“Then how come it didn’t work on you?”
“Because I wanted to fuck you since before you pulled it off, so it made no difference”.
Chet’s level of disgust started to rise again, but it was still overwhelmed by the level of his shock. He had drinks with a queer? Teran was a queer? Didn’t really seem like much of one outside of that statue. He looked up at Teran with a glare, to which Teran responded by reaching down to his pocket and pulling out a cigarette. He put it into the corner of his mouth, then pulled out a glossy, onyx black Zippo with his name engraved on it to light the smoke. He took a puff and put it back into the corner of his mouth, and a large, slightly mischievous but mostly smile of pure manly badassery crossed his face. This smile seemed to exist only to taunt Chet, to rub the disgust right in his face. It was too much for Chet, and once again the chetface overcame him, but as soon as it did, something bizarre started to happen. A cigarette materialised in his mouth, already lit. His mouth went from simply hanging open to mimicking the smile that Teran had on his, Chet was now mirroring Teran’s facial expression, and as soon as this happened, Teran’s face returned to normal, and Chet’s followed suit. The cigarette stayed, however, because remember kids, smoking is cool.
“What the hell was that?”
“Like I said, that was the Denzel Smile, it doesn’t really have much of a particular function yet, well none that I’ve figured out. It’s just one of the coolest things on Smashboards so it only seemed right that you master it. I find it’s best used when you’ve pulled off something badass or really gotten under someone’s skin”.
“So basically taught me two useless techniques, man you are the worst”. Chet had had enough, it was time to go. Besides even though he wouldn’t have the power of guaranteed seduction, he was all man, he didn’t need it. He’d bag those skanks in the Back Room like it was nothing. He adjusted his jacket, and walked out the door, he didn’t say goodbye or acknowledge Teran, who didn’t much seem to care. He stepped outside the gates of the villa back into the crowded streets filled with violence and chaos. He was alone, in the district of User Blogs, but he was getting out, and he was going to return to teach Teran a lesson, but for now, pussy was more important.[/collapse]
[collapse=denzelsmile]
[collapse=Chapter 3 The Long Road Ahead] Chet exited the villa and gazed back on the chaotic streets of User Blogs, people were still screaming and rioting, although this didn’t really bother Chet as he found it rather humorous and exciting. Still, he had to find his way to the Back Room, and Teran was possibly the least helpful of guides one could possibly hope for. He needed more information, and he needed it at once.
He moved on trying to navigate the streets, looking for a more quiet place where perhaps there would be someone who could answer a few questions, all he needed was to be pointed in the correct direction and he’d be fine. He traversed the city for what seemed like hours, and it seemed the all he could find were empty streets or all out mob wars. Chet grew weary of his fruitless search for clues, and sat down on the corner of an empty street, brewing over the lamentable situation he was in. A few minutes later, however, it seemed his hopes were answered when he heard a voice call to him.
“Hey you, guy”. The voice was male and distinctly adult. Chet turned around and caught sight of a young black man who slightly resembled Samuel L. Jackson (the narrator swears the resemblance is really there). Chet looked at him as if to ask if it were he the man was referring to. “Yeah, you, you are the only person here after all”.
“Who are you, and what do you want?” Chet asked, not with venom but with a genuine curiosity mixed with a slight tone of boredom.
“I’m the guy that used to run this place, and I’m curious as to why you’re just passing through quietly and not wreaking havoc like people usually do here”.
“Well to be honest I’m trying to get out of here”.
“That’s pretty simple man you just use your seal to teleport wherever”.
“Yeah see here’s the deal, I busted it ‘cause I’m supposed to be some chosen warrior or some shit, so that’s not really an option”.
“Chosen warrior? Really? Well...” The black man’s interest was certainly piqued, and he signalled Chet to follow him down an alley.
“Hey yo I got nothing against you bro but I’m not going down a dark alley with some stranger, no offence”.
“Bubba doesn’t wear glasses, you’re not gonna get *****”.
“That’s a good point, try anything and I’ll kill you though”.
“Yeah yeah just come here it’s not safe for you to discuss this stuff out in the open”. The two walked through a series of alleys and ended up at a large building, not impressive on the outside except for a large, reinforced steel door. The man placed his palm on a glassy looking plate next to the door, causing it to slowly shuffle upwards and open. The two went inside, met by a large an impressive study, although it resembled a library more than the former. The man sat down at the mahogany desk, put his feet up, and took off his glasses. “The name’s Jam Stunna, most just call me Jam, anyway like I said I used to run this place and I know quite a bit about the planet in general. Surprising though should Teran have taken care of the basics?”
“Yeah that guy’s a bit...”
“Eccentric? Yeah I know but he has his moments, there’s a reason we chose him to look after you. Anyway you say you want to get out of here, you headed anywhere in particular?”
“Yeah, the Back Room or something”.
“Damn he isn’t wasting any time, good I guess. I’m a member there, but I’m resigned and I’m living the quiet life, got too much man stuff to do to be around here too often. Anyway, you’re gonna have to go a long way, the Back Room is in the Password Protected province, on the other end of the planet. Since your seal is bust, you’re going to have to travel the long way”.
“Well how exactly am I gonna cross a planet with no clue about how to get around this place?”
“Well I’ll use my powers to ingrain a map of the whole planet in your mind, after which you should know where to go without any issues”.
“Sounds good, do it”. Jam raised his hands and streaks of light started to paint a map in front of Chet. When the map was complete, it stretched and shot into Chet’s head, and after that, his knowledge of Smash World Forums’ geography was perfect. “Sweet, thanks man, you’re alright. Maybe I’ll see you later”.
“Probably not, I have actual important things to do”.
Chet saw himself out and emerged from the alleyways back into the main roads. He could hear screaming and explosions not so far from where he was. It didn’t matter to him, the route he had to take to leave wouldn’t intersect with the commotion. For the first time since Chet arrived he actually felt happy, he was finally getting somewhere and he knew it wouldn’t be long before he was off the miserable rock called Smash World Forums. The confidence surged through him as if it were a physical force, the warmth tingled in every digit of his hands, every inch of his body, the rush was sensational. He looked towards the horizon and braced himself, he ran towards it, and the energy permeating through his body exploded, causing him to rocket forwards in a trail of red light. In mere minutes, he had escaped the confines of User Blogs.[/collapse]
