Snot Man
Smash Cadet
On the last episode of Japan Time Time...
SNOT MAN! You’ve got to come back with me! It’s the lame updates! Something has to be done about the lame updates!
What? They’ve been pretty much fine recently… PD, you’d better back up, I think he or she wants to drive.
Drive? Where we’re going, we won’t NEED to—WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU STUPID FOOL?!
WOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
And now, for our featured presentation.
Hm. There appears to have been a critical math error.
Math error?
That's right. You didn't count correctly. There are five entries left rather than four. This means we've still got time before the end of the world as we know it. But at least, soon we'll be covering the super-special Halloween Power Hour!
Huh.
I'm going into sleep mode until we get to the real crisis. Until then, we'll be commenting on old entries as usual. It's just that the fate of the world won't depend on it just yet.
All right, then! Let's get this started!
WEEK #22: October 15th to 19th, 2007
Bad news, everyone! Despite my fundraiser, we came juuuuust short of the required million dollars, meaning I didn't get to fly to Los Angeles and play the Brawl demo! Oh well. You did all you could! But worry not, I spent all those funds on something almost as awesome! What is it? You may find out once it's done being constructed! Hints: it's sixty feet tall, gold-plated, and looks like me.
Day 105: Entry 127: New Pork City
I’m no maaaaaaaatch...
Hurray! A stage set in the final chapter of a game that's technically not available for english speakers to play! Unless they like following through the game with a script, stumbling through item lists, not really having any freedom, and missing all the humor in battle messages and whatnot!
This is a bit awkward.
All right, people who haven't played Mother 3 yet (and actually intend to)? Don't pay too much attention to the screenshots. In there is a detail that, while not a gigantic spoiler by itself (you might even see it coming while playing!), could be considered one!
You may not care much about the Mother franchise. If this is the case, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
Now that this is out of the way, dang. This is pretty awesome. A buttload of detail went into this, and while I don't think everyone liked the Temple in Melee, I, for one, approve of super-large stages! The Ultimate Chimera was a bit unnecessary, but I guess it's nice to have some hazards so, as they say, there'll be an end to it if someone does nothing but run away. If I recall right, touching that thing in the game didn't even trigger a battle and gave you an instant Game Over, so I guess that's been translated in pretty well here. I could think of another hazard that could one-shot you, but it also happens to be the very detail I said not to look at earlier. Dang it!
They need to hurry up with that translation patch. Grumblegrumble.
TODAY'S RATING: 4 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 106: Entry 128: STADIUM: Home Run Contest
PWANG! You launch him!
I wasn't a huge fan of the Home Run Contest in Melee, so this left me shrugging. Normally, I'd just do it with all the characters, spamming the same low-knockback attack again and again, then smash that Sandbag, but once I got the trophies, I was done. Aside from a few hardcorer fans who liked to test out combos and whatnot, I don't think I was alone doing that.
But still! I'm not complaining that the feature is back, if only because we can see Mr. Sandbag again. I like Mr. Sandbag. His soulful eyes and whimsical feature are an attracting point. Sandubaggu-kun is a great friend who lets you unleash frustration with fierce attacks. Of course, we already knew he'd be appearing in the loading screen for online matches, so there isn't much reason for me to rejoice. You'd THINK that, but consider for a bit. Now, we can beat up Sandbag in online co-op. Put two and two together! That's right. First you get to toss him around on the loading screen, and then... more Sandbag! This is like a dream come true, isn't it?
Double the Sandbag, double the fun!
There are mathematical equations that could prove that claim! But seriously, I hope they'll soon prove that they're capable of using Wi-Fi for more interesting things, because yeesh. As much as I've always wanted to see a sentient sandbag being beaten up by two Solid Snakes, one of which is played by a friend in another country without either one of us having to take a plane first, I have to admit that this was a bit low on my priority list.
Also, neat! A forcefield! I hope it'll break spectacularly when you smash through it. Because everyone knows forcefields must shatter like glass and stuff when you apply enough force. Also, yadda yadda, this changes the Home Run Contest metagame forever, I guess. Like that one time they introduced a set of Yu-Gi-Oh cards that had the gimmick of punching your opponent in the pressure points when you flipped them into attack mode. My brother kept spazzing out when they announced that. It might just be because his pressure points had been shattered and he was having a seizure, though.
The real point of Japan Time Time was for me to tell the Internet about a lot of things that would embarass my brother. But I kid, I kid. There's nothing embarassing about liking Yu-Gi-Oh. But real men play Pokémon.
TODAY'S RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 107: Entry 129: Meowth
Day 107: Entry 130: How to use the Wii Remote
And (perhaps boldly), it will be available for play with the Wii Remote. Is that really going to be OK?
Smash Bros. Dojo double feature! This will be divided into two points. Point A will cover the part regarding Meowth, while point B will cover the one on how to use the Wii Remote. Everybody got all that? I know this is a revolutionary concept, but don't mind stopping me if it's too hard to grasp! Honestly, it's okay!
Point A:
Back from his inexplicable vacation in Melee, Meowth rejoins the roster of Pokéball monsters! Of course, I have an hypothesis regarding where he was all this time, but it's complicated and involves Team Rocket, a time paradox and my hatred for Lucario being concentrated hard enough to take physical form.
I really hope we haven't accidentally caused any time paradoxes while we were here.
It appears that he's still using Pay Day this time around, albeit a little less impressively than before. I might be misremembering, but I think he also floated in mid-air last time, so it's not really a huge los-- Um? You wanted to say something, Sakurai-sensei?
That definitely appears to be a coin on its forehead, but what do you suppose they call it in Japan?
That's a good question, Masahiro Sakurai-senpai. If I were to venture a guess, I'd say something like a "raaki coino" or something. Is this right, Sakurai-chan?
Maybe if you check the Japanese version of Smash Bros. Dojo you can find out...
Ooooh, that sounds like a good idea, Masahiro-san. All right. Now, let's see. Um.
“??????”????????
????????????????
?? ???????????“??”???????
??????????????????
I'm... I'm not sure, but I think that means it's called a ??. This is so... so SUGOI!
All right, I'm plugging this into conversations from now on. Thank you, Masahiro my man! Everyone will be jealous of me now! I know something about Japan that you don't! Eat this, people who could read through Mother 3 without any trouble! Don't mess with me, or I'll throw a ?? at you! It stands for "Raaki Coino"!
Point B:
This reads a bit like a cross between the instruction manual and the Twilight Zone. First, you have the expected controls, which we already knew about already or could guess easily, and then you start having weird twists popping up, and then it ends with a figurative middle finger to the audience and/or characters. It's all pretty much fine until the B button comes along, I mean. They even say it themselves! The button is kind of hard to press. Unfortunately, it's the only way to do three different things, plus another thing (Grabbing, true believers! -Fretting Fred) that can be done with the - button but also happens to share the same controller input (Pressing 2 while holding B! Excelsior! -Freedom Fred) as another completely unrelated action (Throwing an item! If you guessed, you win a No Prize! -Farting Fred).
Of course, you'd have to be mentally challenged to try and grab someone while holding an item, and Z did pretty much the exact same thing in Melee before, but I only just realized that, and I'm afraid that, if I erase those complaints, my whole Stan Lee/Editor's Notes joke will be ruined! So I'll just leave them here, and hope no one notices.
But my point about the final middle finger remains!
How about a little mental training before the time comes when you actually control it?
I don't really hate Sakurai for no reason. It's just that he loves to twist the knife in and destroy my hopes and dreams like that.
Yoshi really has an enormous shoe. I had never noticed that.
TODAY'S RATING: 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 108: Entry 131: Little Mac
Resurrecting this legend for the current generation is something we can all enjoy just a bit.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
He's not playable, sadly, but still.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
I always thought the Punch-Out franchise was one of those that was more popular in America for some reason. I mean, it has an american protagonist, the whole Mike Tyson endorsement thing, and an opponent who can be quoted saying "Sushi, Kamikaze, Fujiyama, Nipponichi...". But either way, he's here! He's not playable, sadly, but... maybe in the next game? I can always dream, can't I?
I know there's all this talk of this being the last Smash game and all, but newsflash, folks: The SSB franchise is very popular, and Nintendo likes money.
And it seems that they've settled an important issue once and for all, here. It's not his enemies who are inexplicably ten feet tall or so! It's him who's freaking small!
And now, because I don't have much to write about here, because it's somewhat related, because it's awesome, because I haven't put up a YouTube video here yet and because I can't bear the thought of any Nintendo fan not having seen it, I'll throw in the fanmade Punch-Out movie trailer for free!
In case you think I was the one who did that, I didn't. Oooooh, I wish, though.
TODAY'S RATING: 4 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 109: Entry 132: Peach: Final Smash
The flowers bloom. The peaches pour down. Yes. It’s so elegant.
It always looks weird when characters grab the Smash Ball. I mean, they look like they're posessed by the spirit of the popular japanimation character, "Dragon Ball Z". It looks weird on the likes of Yoshi and Pikachu, but on Peach it looks downright freaky. What does she do when she feels the power overwhelming, when her aura starts burning with flames of crimson? She starts exuding hearts and flower petals, dances, everyone falls asleep, and then peaches appear out of nowhere.
And that, my friends, is horrifying.
It also seems pretty underwhelming, from a gameplay standpoint. Like Diddy's Final Smash, if you survive it, it seems you might wake up to see a bunch of healing items scattered throughout the stage. I guess it's nice to have a Final Smash where you can choose between messing up your opponents' lives while they're defenseless or healing up, but the way it's set up seems silly, since if you don't heal up, your opponents probably will, which means you pretty much just wasted your character's ultimate move. Assuming you didn't kill them all first, I guess. Maybe I'm wrong, though. Maybe it IS easy to slay a bunch of sleeping enemies like that! And bonus points if the peaches disappear as people start waking up, too, because sheesh.
TODAY'S RATING: 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
GAME!
1ST PLACE WINNER: In the absence of strong contenders for the title, Little Mac wins the championship belt by technical KO! I also told him to uppercut anyone who pointed out that I got my cute metaphors mixed up here. Maybe I need to stop talking to fictional characters like that. People seem to think I'm crazy.
LAST PLACE LOSER: I was a bit underwhelmed by Peach's Final Smash, if only just because flames of intense burning courage and flower petals just don't mix, but the return of the Home Run Contest was even more meh in general, possibly on virtue of not being a Final Smash. Either way, the latter got a lower score than the former, so ha!
THIS WEEK'S OVERALL RATING: 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
And that's it for this week! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be in my room, crying over the fact that other normal people got to play the game but NOT ME. However! If news spread of a publically available demo disk of some sort becoming available at some point in the future, even if bundled with a game or magazine or whatever, I'd really appreciate it if one of you was kind enought to notify me. If not, I will be forced to resort to force. What? Why are you laughing? You should take me seriously! I have a katana and a ??, folks!
And that's it for this week! As usual, the Halloween Power Hour you're probably anticipating a lot will only be at the end. I don't do those things on purpose. It just sort of... happens like that.
WEEK #23: October 22nd to 26th, 2007
Day 110: Entry 133: PictoChat
Oh! That’s just divine.
How strange! How unusual! Of course, I'd be more surprised if I hadn't, y'know, seen Super Flat Zone before, but I think this tops it in terms of strangeness. (Wario Ware being a strong contender, of course.) Plus, now we know where this weird cookbook software thing's song will probably be used, as well as why they hired the guy who did the Mii Shop Channel music! All of the songs we see here are pretty much quiet and subdued background music, which is why I'm pretty eager to hear how they'll remix them into slugfest-worthy material.
Now, as for the stage's design itself, that's pretty neat, the way it's drawn and redrawn with new hazards and platforms all the time. Hopefully the drawings will be randomized to keep us guessing, instead of following a predictable pattern like in, say, Poké Floats. But now, I can't help but wonder. What kind of PictoChat, exactly, have the game developers been using? I know I barely ever bothered with that feature at all, but I'm pretty sure that some singing(?) guy, some mine cart thing and stacks of blocks are not very accurate representations of what is really going on there. There appears to be a distinct lack of chat there, which is a bit of a shame, because it might be neat to see some scrolling text trying to rationalize how all that weird crap would come up in a normal, stylus-enhanced conversation between relatively normal people.
Looking at this also reminded me of that one Looney Toons short, you know the one, where Daffy Duck argues with the pen drawing him and is put into more and more outrageous situations. I couldn't help but think, wouldn't it be neat if... Hold on, time out, I'm putting that sentence on hold to go on a tangent.
You see, I tend to hate it when speculators for a game or whatever take the time to go "Ooooh, ooooh, wouldn't it be neat if?" Who cares about your list of series you'd like to see in Super Robot Wars? Why do you think your well thought-out idea for a new RPG battle system needs to be explained in excruciating detail? Unless I get to play it or see it happening, there isn't much point to doing that. No, that vague hope that someone from Nintendo will read it and use your idea will not realize itself. There are laws against that. But here I am, doing it. Feel free to throw stones at me.
Where was I? Oh yes! Wouldn't it be neat if you could, say, have a fourth player use the DS as a controller, and actually draw the stage themselves? Of course, hazards like fire and whatnot wouldn't work, but drawing platforms and stuff could be pretty amusing if you get imaginative! (The great thing about this part is that the tangent is longer than my actual point!)
Okay, I'm done now.
TODAY'S RATING: 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 111: Entry 134: Donkey Kong Makes His Stand
It’s time to rise up against this blatant provocation!
"The Koopatron, the ultimate fortress, will have the world to its knees... The only thing missing is the power source, Donkey Kong's magical Golden Banana."
"But isn't it like searching for a needle in a haystack, papa?"
"No, Jr. ...We'll just steal them all!"
THIS FEBRUARY...
"This is Lakitu, live from Donkey Kong Island, where the greatest banana heist since the 1994 K. Rool Krisis has just taken place. Residents are in a state of panic, Kremlings are advised to stay in their homes, and roads from Jungle Japes to Cranky's House have been blocked off due to violent riots..."
ONE APE
"They stole muh bananas!... They're gonna PAY!"
AND HIS LITTLE BUDDY
"I'm right behind you! You'll need all the help you can get!"
WILL MAKE THEIR STAND
"What sort of fool would DARE stand against the almighty Koopa Troop?"
"Dare this."
100! 200! 400! 800! 1600! 1-UP!
BE READY...
"Candy, are you hurt?!"
"DK, the Golden Banana, all along, it was inside your hea..."
*belch*
TO GO BANANAS!
DONKEY KONG
Opens in theaters February 10th. Parental guidance required.
"You ever wondered why we eat each other's fleas?"
"They're kind of tasty."
Holy crap, Donkey Kong is so BADASS now.
I sort of wonder why Bowser would have interest in stealing his bananas, though. K. Rool did it because it pissed him off, I presume, but usually you can stay on the ape's safe side by staying out of his frickin' hoard, not giving him penalties in Mario Party, and maybe offering him something shiny. Aggroing him like that just isn't a good idea.
TODAY'S RATING: 4 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 112: Entry 135: STADIUM: Target Smash!
It feels great to use all of your knowledge and techniques to shave off a hundredth of a second.
Golly! It's another update about a feature that was in previous versions of the game and came back with a slight facelift! It's sort of neat that there are now five stages for each character... at least I hope it's for each, because otherwise that would just suck. The inclusion of items I'm a little more wary about, as while I'm not the kind of player who, in their words, "salivates at the thought of speed runs", I think it sort of misses the point of Break the Targets. They may prove me wrong, of course, but usually, the point of the mode is to use your character's unique abilities in original ways to hit all of the targets without dropping into a pit. And... aside from a few exceptions, the Home Run Bat is handled pretty much the same by everyone. Plus, hopefully the items aren't randomized, or else there would be anarchy in the thriving Target-Breaking community.
All right, that was a sort of boring update, so-- Hmmm?
There is another announcement I’d like make simultaneously...
Ooooooh, wow. See, now that's more interesting. Only three minutes isn't a whole lot of filming time, but I guess they have to spare the Wii's meager memory space. It's not very clear wether you have to turn recording on and off, or if it just keeps the last three minutes stored or something, but hopefully it's the latter, because otherwise, we might have another completely useless mode on our hands! Hurrah! I'm looking forward to sending all of your guys tons of "Look at this AWESOME THING I did!" videos where I send you three minutes of footage without specifying who I'm playing or what, exactly, the awesome thing I did was!
TODAY'S RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 113: Entry 136: King Dedede
Mechanizing his wooden mallet, he delivers a mighty, earth-shaking blow!
Oh no, another gimmick entry coming up. Brace yourselves...
DEDEDE DEDEDE DEDEDE!
DEDEDE DEDEDEDE DEDEDE!
Get angry! Blue penguin thingamagig!
Wood hammer, and a stylish red coat!
From the top of your BIG THRONE
Watch over Dreamland's future
Take action now!
The food in your pantry
Don't forgive Kirby for eating it!
DEDEDE DEDEDE DEDEDE!
DEDEDE DEDEDEDE DEDEDE!
PENGUIN FUSION approved!
The super-royal combination is
Bending the floorboards!
WOODEN HAMMEEEEEER!
Envy! Sloth! Gluttony! Greed! Born is
The invicible huge penguin,
Our King of Dreamland!
DEDEDEDE DEDEDE!
This is the story of a penguin and his followers, who bravely fight to rid Dreamland of an annoying marshmallow thing!
All right, I think that's the last GaoGaiGar reference I did. My only regret is that the song doesn't actually synch up with the original, here.
Okay, I'm done now. This is the second last time I use a random GaoGaiGar tribute instead of an actual commentary entry. I don't know when the last time will be, but I prefer to save it up just in case. I also promise to use a translation of the theme song with less stilted english next time!
And if you really want my opinion, DeDeDe looks pretty rad here. Not the pants-pooping new character I expected, but I like that guy. I'm just hoping they won't have him voiced by some texan guy, because I normally don't complain about anime dubs, but that just ain't right.
Oh, and bonus points for what I believe to be the surprisingly first Kirby Hat appearance yet, and a shot of what I believe will be DeDeDe's stage introduction or taunt. Did I say anything about how happy I was that those custom stage introductions were back? I am! Turning from a trophy into an actual character looked cool for about point eight seconds, but I really enjoyed how, in the original Smash, Pikachu would pop out of a Pokéball, Falcon would hop out of his car, Ness would almost screw up his teleportation, and Samus would... huh... come out of a door thing? I always wondered what was up with that.
I think those were the save points or something?
TODAY'S RATING: 4 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 114: Entry 137: King Dedede: Special Moves
Look! That’s a serious jump!
See that, here? This is my serious jump.
Y'know, I wonder where I got it into my head that Friday updates were always neat.
I don't really like that silly habits of theirs, where they introduce a new character and then use the next entry to tell us about their moves. Of course, it's nice to know what the character DOES, but my self-diagnosed ADD demands more variety! However, since no one at Nintendo particularly cares even if I voice my dissatisfaction and even start swearing while doing it, I guess there isn't much point to whining about it. Now, let's hope they won't give us any more crud like that, or else I'll become a heckuva annoyed!
That's a pretty interesting moveset he's got there. Abusing random followers in battle is a lot more his style than Peach's, and I'm really amused by the Super DeDeDe Jump. I think he jumped around in some of his boss fights in the games too, so--
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
So THAT's what they meant when they said he mechanized his hammer! Now I'm sad that I already wasted my GaoGaiGar tribute for this week AND the Goldion Hammer sequence parody I did before when the Golden Hammer was announced. Now what am I gonna do? ...I can only hope that his Final Smash involves his hammer getting really freaking huge. Or that, at least, his hands will glow two different colors.
It doesn't, but I fixed that, if you'll recall.
Oooooh! Oooooh! Wait, don't go! I have an alternate joke. How could he get his hammer mechanized like that, anyway? I thought the entrance to the laboratory had a sign explicitly stating "No DeDeDes"? Haha! I kill myself.
TODAY'S RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
GAME!
Exceptionally, this week's best and worst entries will be judged by our honored guest from Dreamland, King DeDeDe.
1ST PLACE WINNER: The much-beloved King DeDeDe is the greatest, as usual! Take that, Kirby! Hahahahahahahaha! And as usual, the 1st Place Winner wins ALL THE ICE CREAM! --Hey, what are you doing? Get back here and spit that out, you pink little runt! Aaaaargh! I'll flatten you into a pancake!
LAST PLACE LOSER: Obviously, those lame target-smashing antics aren't gonna fly with me or anyone else! I don't know why DeDeDe's smooth moves only got two icons, but I'm sure this is all somehow YOUR fault. Guards! Seize them! And seize all the ice cream in the department store, posthaste!
THIS WEEK'S OVERALL RATING: 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
And now... looking at my watch, hold on... Yes! This is it! It's now time for the Halloween Power Hour!
THE JAPAN TIME TIME NIGHTMARISH SHOCKTOBER SPOOKTACULAR SPOOKCIAL
A Channel DDD original! Be sure to put on your 3D glasses while reading this!
OCTOBER 31ST, JAPAN TIME TIME HEADQUARTERS, SOLID SNAKE'S OFFICE
Great news, Snake!
What? Can I finally stop being the closest thing we have to a main character?
Yes, actually! Thanks to a generous donation from an anonymous source, we've finally obtained the funds to hire another actual human to work here. Meet XStryke!
Hi, David!
How the hell do you--
I played Metal Gear Solid! Isn't that great? I was transported from the real world to this one thanks to my immense knowledge of video games.
That's amazing, XStryke!
...What?
I've recently learned that I was the son of Dante from Devil May Cry, and he gave me those two katanas, ? and ?! I'm on a quest to save Kairi from Kingdom Hearts, but now I'm conflicted between saving her or not because Samus is my girlfriend.
Hi!
This... huh...
That's so cool! Say, Snake, you don't look convinced.
Not really.
That's normal, because I never liked you either. I noticed that characters that suck all hate me for no good reason.
Yeah, cheer up, Snake! By the way, I forgot to tell you, but there were two conditions to the donation we recieved.
Conditions?
The first one doesn't really concern us, but the editorial slant of the reviews has been changed a little. The second one is that... three of us have to spend the night in an abandoned castle!
... Sorry, but you'll have to count me out.
It's okay, Toad. I brought a friend from the real world!
I'm Steve! My specialty is throwing flaming daggers that can chop a man in half thanks to my Saiyajin strenght.
This is going to be a BLAST!
WEEK #24: October 29th to November 4th, 2007
Day 115: Entry 138: Stage Builder
DUN DUN DUNNNNNN! That’s the shocking truth.
Oooooooh, yeah! Once again, an update that supports my theory that, somehow, Nintendo flipped their calendars around, giving them the impression that Mondays were Fridays and vice-versa. I mean, it's a pretty awesome feature, it reveals what the mysterious "fourth button" is, potentially giving us plenty of replay value, AND it has King DeDeDe in the first screenshot! But this continuing awesomeness means that, instead of having a climatically awesome update on a Friday and a poor excuse for one on the following Monday, we have the other way around! This isn't entirely bad in that it gives me a reason to get up on Mondays, instead of remaining in bed until Friday's update, therefore sort of ruining my school and family life in the process. However, what about what I'm writing right now? You saw the climax! This is the best update all week, and there are four more to go still! It's a bit like when you see a movie and realize that you saw all of the awesome bits in the first 10 minutes in the trailer. Then, it proceeds to not be awesome anymore. I'm pondering just flipping the week around or going with some wacky Top 5 format next week if this goes on.
I never do that, it turns out! Man, I love spoiling those things.
But waaaaait! There was a time when I considered bad updates a good thing. Maybe I need to recapture what I lost since then! I need to regain my sense of sarcasm and capacity to massively overblow disappointments! I need to search my feelings, and find the strenght to get PISSED OFF at Japan Time Time! I need to become... a DEVIL! AMON! ENTER THIS BODY!
RAAAAAAAAAH! That's spooky, isn't it?! Go Nagai's original artwork will do that. Stare at 30 minutes of poorly-drawn facial expressions and everyone looking like Koji Kabuto, and you, too, can gain the angry powers of a Devil! But oh, I digress. Maybe I should start talking about the update, now that I'm properly pumped up to totally tear into it.
This won't really help you understand any jokes, but check "Devilman" on Wikipedia, you uncultured twit! You should know who he is! Also, I, um, take no responsibility for what I said or did while in this state, okay? This is my evil side, y'know.
Now, what do we have here? Did they code that in yesterday or what? There seems to only be three backgrounds and less than twenty things to put into your actual stages. And this includes what appears to be a TOTEM POLE, folks. Did they run out of ideas before going "All right, I've always wanted to make a stage with a Native American motif"? But, comparing screenshots, it seems the stage elements you can use depend on your background or something. So they can match your "flavor", I guess? That sucks. They're stifling our creativity! I want a stage where greek-ish colums sit atop of totem poles and a fire-breathing Arc de Triomphe looms ominously overhead. But now, will I ever realize my dream? SCREW that.
And what's with their SD cards fetish? At this point, this is just getting ridiculous. Everyone who wants to do anything with the game will have to buy a stack of them at this point. Sakurai must clearly be one of the shareholders for whoever makes those. How much does that crap cost, anyway? Why can't I just get a freaking WII HARD DRIVE and not, say, something I have to buy separately, can't see without a looking glass and probably won't even remove from the machine to begin with? That's it. For Christmas, you guys are buying me a bouquet of SD cards. I've been writing those things for free for a while now, so you at least owe me that. Oh, and you should pay for my copy of the game, too.
Christmas has passed, but that still stands!
And now, the whole submission thing. For when you get tired of playing on Final Destination with items, Luigi and fun off! Every day, you'll be able to download a new custom-made stage modelled directly after the maker's genitalia. I'm on to you, Nintendo. If they just put the tagline "Very scary ruins" onto the stage, you'll never notice what it's actually meant to look like. If you don't get like five hundred submissions a day trying to get a "crotch totem pole" stage past the radar, I'll be very surprised. I almost wish you could put text in the background just to complete the "Cheetos up ins" experience.
I'm not done yet! "Oops! Sorry. For music, you’ll only be able to choose from the songs you have available." What is this crap?! Now we have to unlock everything ourselves? Next you'll tell me I can't play online using a character I haven't unlocked yet? Screw you, Nintendo. Screw you.
"Chuckity-chuckity-CHUCK!" Real funny, Sakurai. This update SUCKS. Let me give it the proper punishment it deserves!
RAAAAAAAH!! You lose a Smash Icon!
TODAY'S RATING: 4 Smash Icons out of 5!
You know what's very scary besides the Fearsome Ruins? Me.
Flaming boulders aside, this place isn't as creepy as I thought it would be.
Don't worry! As long as I have a source of mana, I can split them in half for as long as I want. Get closer to me, Samus.
OK!
Hey! She's my girlfriend! You can't do that!
No, that Samus is my girlfriend. You have the one from the continuity where Metroid Fusion will never happen and you're the Chozo's chosen one.
Hi!
Oh, yeah, right.
G-g-guys!
What, can't you see we're having a serious discussion?
It's a d-d-d...
Boo!
Day 116: Entry 139: Classic
Um, you think they’re there to make it look more lively?
Look! Look! Look! It's CLASSIC MODE, and it's NOT DIFFERENT! No, seriously, aside from a facelift and the part where each stage has a different game "theme", it's not different. It's been the same thing since the first game, and they barely even changed it for Melee. That's why it's CLASSIC MODE. It's like any other game's Arcade Mode, where they don't even bother with a story, and make you fight eight guys for no reason they'll attempt to explain. It's like "how to play Smash" all over again.
What's that, now? Giant Meta Knight? Why not Giant DeDeDe? Those screenshots suck.
Lastly, Mario clears a stage... Wait, WHAT? No kooky bonuses? Just the damage you took and time remaining? No Edge Hog, Butter Fingers, Switzerland, Mr. Saturn Fan, Crate Lifter, Stiff Knees, Meteor KO, Creepy Stalker, Dedicated Specialist, Kirby Eater, Dapper Duck, Tournament Virgin, Nuclear Judo, MAC User, Final Armageddon or Pokéball KO bonuses? Are they mad? Admittedly, I never cared much for those to begin with, since they were pretty arbitrary for the most part. Seriously, find me one person who ever bothered with keeping track of their score. Find me one person who EVER ENJOYED A SCORE MATCH. It sometimes rewards good gameplay practices like "killing your opponents", but otherwise, what? It rewards you for using the most Pokéballs? Eating all the food? Never messing up a throw? Sure, that's nice, but what should you prioritize? Which one will give you a thousand points, and which one should you not bother with? Especially since there were like 8000 different bonuses to keep track of. More importantly, who the hell cares?
All right, screw this. Awesome puns aside, I'm actually glad if those bonuses are really gone.
TODAY'S RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
Oh yeah, I forget. MASSIVE SPOILERS: You spend those coins to get trophies. Just like in the previous game.
Kind of!
AAAAAAAH! It's the Devil!
What game is that thing from? I don't recognize it from any game.
Hold on, I'll ask the guys on GameFAQs with my wristwatch computer.
No time for that! I just have to attack him! EKKUSU... SUTURAAAAAAAAAIKE!
Nuhuhuhuhu...
Wait a second. Weird laugh...
CRASH!
What the... my swords broke against his skin! At least I can regenerate them with my mana... Hnnnng...
...absurd strenght even compared to the protagonist's already ridiculous power...
You fool, you cannot use those simple weapons against me! They were forged by a demon, and thus I am completely immune to them! Your pitiful attacks are only excuses for attacks.
...and he's just standing there explaining his powers. Guys, I got it! It's got to be a character from a Japan-only game!
What? We can't get any info on him, then!
Prepare... to feel absolute despair!
Day 117: Entry 140: The Summit
A pop! A crack! It’s breaking?!
Hmm... well, Icicle Mountain was a pretty stupid level... I wonder what this is all abou--
HOLY **** IT'S BREAKING APART!!
OH MY ****ING GOD WE'RE GOING AT 200 MPH AND I'M STILL THE FIST OF THE NORTH STAR
**** YES! YOU ARE THE BEST CAMEO EVER!
Yes, I just used the same 4chan meme again. Unless you find another humorous way to show a scenario of initial disappointment followed by the tables being turned in an awesome way, feel free to just get off the island. I really have an attitude today!
The fun part is that I used it again for my Smash Blog premiere and you guys didn't even know! Ha!
Bonus points if you immediately recognized where the stoned fish thing was from! And if you didn't, you can count on me to give it away. It's from the NES game, Balloon Fight! I tried finding a screenshot with it in it, but it turns out image searching for "balloon fight" on Google just isn't a good idea. If you really want to know what it's all about, get the game (available on your local Virtual Console or Animal Crossing game! It's simple but very fun.), then stick too close to the water. See who pops out to totally grab you with its mouth and drag you into the cold, unforgiving abyss!
Now, this is pretty cool. I think this is the first time elements from two different games mesh like that in a stage. This, and the fact that the Balloon Fight theme occasionally played on Icicle Mountain back in Melee, supports my theory that Ice Climber and Balloon Fight take place in a shared fictional universe. Sadly, while there's been acknowledgement of at least one other theory (Baraduke, Dig-Dug and Mr. Driller all canonically take place in the same universe!), this is pretty much it. So far, they haven't confirmed the links I found between Burger Time, Frogger and Missile Command, Pipe Dream and Elevator Action, or Arkanoid, Space Invaders and Double Dragon. But hopefully, yes, we'll see more fun cameos like that!
Wait... demon's blood... kicking in... remembering that I need to be mean... WHAT THE CRAP? DeDeDe looks like he's about to get eaten by that fish in that last screenshot! I don't buy it. The real DeDeDe would not only notice it, but kick its butt with great ease. AAAAAAAARGH! THIS MAKES ME SO ANGRY!
TODAY'S RATING: 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
How... how can we defeat an enemy whose weaknesses we don't know?
Nnngh... I'll show him! AAAAAAAAH! SUUUUUPAA EKKUSU SUTURAAAAAAAIKE!
CRASH!
Nuhuhuhuhu! Don't you see it's useless? All demon-made weapons break against my demon skin! You don't stand a chance against me!
S... somehow, I'm sure this is all Dr. Wily's fault.
MEANWHILE...
There, there, Baby Moses. Did you have a bad dream? Ugh. Maybe if I didn't spend so much on materials for apocalyptic contraptions, I could hire a nanny.
MEANWHILE...
HAHAHA! Actually, this is all my doing, but unfortunately for them, I'm in another castle, sitting on my throne and eating popcorn! HAHAHAHA! Oh, that wacky Devil. GUARDS! Get more popcorn ready.
MEANWHILE...
ENOUGH! It is now time for me to unleash my ultimate attack! Prepare yourself for...
He's pointing...
...down?!
What's with those cliffhangers every minute or two, anyway?
Day 118: Entry 141: Meta Knight: Final Smash
This time, behold!
Pfffft. I can think of another Kirby character I'd like to have seen the Final Smash of. And it ain't Kirby.
I wonder if I'm the only one feeling a little underwhelmed by the one. Sure, it looks cool, but there's a whole air of deja-vu about it. Maybe I've watched too much anime or played too many fighting games, which I sort of doubt. The way you'll be hit by a long combo unless you dodge (or presumeably defend from) it, and it's an attack IN THE DARKNESS where strikes come from every direction, both of those things have been done to death already.
Plus, there's the whole bit where you can counteract it by jumping. I know there are a few other underwhelming Final Smashes out there, but having seen a video of the demo in action, I figure that someone else getting ahold of the Smash Ball's terrifying power is supposed to evoke a feeling of "oh god no." In this case, it evokes a feeling of "time to jump!" Of course, those things shouldn't be unavoidable or else it'd be unfair, but here it looks really easy to waste. Oh well.
FUN FACT: Apparently, Meta's sword is called Galaxia in the anime.
TODAY'S RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
BEHOLD! GALAXIA DARKNESS! A single strike of this will send you to a dimension of darkness where you are hit relentlessly! No one has ever survived this!
Dude, you missed. You totally ripped that off from Naruto.
Gouki did it before in Street Fighter anyway.
So... much... pain...
What?! How could this be? No one has ever survived Galaxia Darkness! I see I underestimated you. You are worthy opponents. It seems that, for the first time in this century, I will have to use my TRUE ultimate attack! BEHOLD! SCREEN SCROLL!
He's pointing...
...left?! That's one of the oldest ones in the book! I'm going right!
No, don't do it! You'll reach the edge of the scr--
PLAYER TWO DEFEATED.
STEVE! NOOOO!
STEEEEEEEEEVE! Devil, you *******! I'll make you pay for this! I'm using ? and ?'s ultimate power, even if Dante said it could cost me my life! DEVIL TRIGGER!
PLAYER ONE DEFEATED.
X STRYYYYYYYYKE!
Now, little mushroom. Prepare to feel... the ultimate despair!
Day 119: Entry 142: On-Screen Appearances
Mr. Saturn’s tea table?
But... I knew that already... It's pretty cool, but... Grrr...
This makes me so MAD! What's with Nintendo's beef with Fridays? Why must they waste our time with these things? They could at least have included King DeDeDe's entrance, even if we saw it before! This is it! Enough with this time flip-flop thing they've got going on! We're going back to the old schedule! Hear me, Earth! If you do not give me a GREAT update next Friday, you will suffer the consequences! As a warning, look at what I'm about to do to your beloved Canada!
Goodbye, hockey and mounties!
If my demands are not met within seven days, all major countries in the world will suffer the same fate! You've messed with the wrong person, Nintendo. One angry enough to post pictures of explosions to the Internet!
HAHAHAHA! NO ONE WILL END MY VAGUELY HALLOWEEN-RELATED SPOOKY REIGN OF TERROR! NO ONE!
Hold on, major countries of the world! I'll save ya!
...D-dude. This is the most awesome thing ever. I think I could stare at this thing forever. Heeheehee! Mr. Saturn's tea table can run around and stuff! And Lucas is riding it, looking determined!
Bonus points for the fact that the Arwing actually looks up to scale now.
TODAY'S RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
I... I don't stand a chance against the Devil!
Hi!
Wait... Samus and Samus! You can help me be this guy, right?
OK!
And thus, not fighting with demon-made weapons, Toad, Samus and Samus were able to easily take down the Devil. They then gave XStryke and Steve a decent burial before settling in and having a good night's sleep with no further spooky incidents.
MEANWHILE...
What the... NEXT TIME, JAPAN TIME TIME! NEXT TIIIIIME!
GAME!
1ST PLACE WINNER: Monday's stage editor wins the cake this week! Or, well, King DeDeDe does, as the contract states. Sorry, Monday!
LAST PLACE LOSER: Meta Knight's final smash was eeeeeeh. I don't know why, I just didn't like it. Maybe it's just because Link does something similar already, come to think of it. Thanks to contractual obligations, King DeDeDe gets a cake for that too.
THIS WEEK'S OVERALL RATING: 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
NOVEMBER 1ST, JAPAN TIME TIME HEADQUARTERS, BREAKROOM
So, how was the trip?
Eeeeeh, it wasn't that spooky. I could have sworn I read that in a manga before.
What about the other two guys?
They didn't make it. I'm not sure why, but I don't think I miss them much. Does that make me a bad person? Samus and Samus are okay, though.
Hi!
Remind me never to say anything bad about you ever again, Toad.
MEANWHILE...
I... live...
I... SURVIVE!!
And now, on the following page, is the moment you've all been waiting for...
I need one of those free Photoshop knockoffs ASAP.
Well, well. It's the beginning of the end. The fate of the world is at stake here, and our knowledge of the future tells us we'll have to change history. Ready?
Yes! One question, though.
Go ahead.
All right. Who are you anyway? I know when I'm typing normally like this, it's "regular me", or me in the present. And when there's the little icon followed by italics, it's still me, except commenting in old entries. And now, all of a sudden, it's like we're two different people. What's up with that? Are you me from the future or something? Or I'm me in the past and you're trying to prevent me from turning into Devilman, except I already did? Or you're the time machine's AI? Are you the time machine anyway? Why does it look like a TARDIS one second and a DeLorean the next? Wouldn't trying to change history cause a paradox? Why is the timeline in a series of funny Smash Bros. Dojo reviews so insanely complicated?
Oh, I've got a really simple answer to that one. Wibbly-wobbly...
...Timey-wimey stuff.
Exactly. Don't think about it too hard. Now, just hop in and save the world already! And comment on the entries while we're here, I suppose. ... Let's never speak of that again, by the way.
On the last episode of Japan Time Time...
Hear me, human race! If your next Friday update doesn't make me pee my pants in delight, this entire planet will have to suffer dire consequences. As a warning, I will destroy Canada!
Farewell, maple syrup and mooses! ...Meeses? Meese?
Oh no! I've got to stop him! Everyone! We have to work our best to make Friday's entry the best one we've had so far! The fate of the world is riding on it!
Will Masahiro Sakurai be able to get to Namek on time to deliver the screenshots for the ultimate Friday entry? Will Piccolo be able to hold off Devilsnotman long enough? Will Snake drink beer, or have a refreshing sports drink instead? How will Goku, who had his mind swapped with Captain Ginyu's, defeat the cunning body-snatcher? Find out in today's Japan Time Time episode: GINYU THE FROG!
Nope, I just can't get over Captain Ginyu.
WEEK #25: November 5th to 9th, 2007
Day 120: Entry 143: Fox's misfortune
Day 120: Entry 144: Fire Emblem: Fire Emblem Theme
"?If danger approaches, retreat helter-skelter!"
A double entry of cool stuff, on a Monday? Hmmm. This does not bode well for all life on Earth. But maybe Friday's entry will be great anyway. Who knows? I mean, besides those who checked the site and still remember it, of course.
Now, firsto. Fox has crash landed (presumeably after being downed by Meta Knight's ship, if screenshots seen earlier are any indication) in the jungle, just in time to rescue Diddy Kong from a legendary Pokémon that sort of happened to be there. Brilliant! I really like how the movies we see seem to get more and more crossoverey over time. First you had the beginning of the game, with Mario characters, Kirby and Zelda, but they were in an arena. You sort of expect those sorts of weird interactions to happen in an arena. Somehow. Then, you had Pit doing Pitty stuff with Palutena. Crossover quotient: zero! Then... Snake gets briefed on Mario? DK's bananas get stolen by Bowser? And NOW, we have the situation I described earlier in the paragraph? Brilliant, as I said! I like crossovers, what can I say. The only thing missing is Captain Falcon appearing out of freaking nowhere to show them his moves.
TANGENT ALERT! TANGENT AHEAD! HE'S GOING ON ANOTHER FREAKING LONG TANGENT!
Oh yes, and the Pokémon is Raqueza. I know that because I looked it up, and also learned in the process that the thing apparently lives in the ozone layer. Somehow this strikes me as a bad place to set up shop in, but I guess you can do those things when you're so legendary. Not legendary enough to not get caught by the prepubescent kid who somehow has a whole bunch of other supposedly one-of-a-kind personnifications of forces of nature, of course, but I digress. I was just thinking, maybe they did a Pokémon movie with Raqueza in it already, but if they didn't, I've got this plot concept in my head that I think could work. So you've got this villain, right, who pollutes. And then he makes a hole in the ozone layer. Raqueza comes out, and starts destroying everything. Ash, who just has to always be around for those world-reshaping events, tries to stop the villain from polluting, but it's too late. Team Rocket shows up and barely does anything, but Team Rocket has to show up to provide comic relief at inappropriate moments. That's how it works. So then, Ash uses all of his Pokémon at once, and like, there's a Deus Ex Machina (I didn't really think that part through. Maybe it can involve, like, Zapdos.) and Raqueza is sealed back into the ozone layer. Then, the villain is beaten and learns a lesson about not polluting. Heck, since this is a japanese movie, he won't stop here. He'll learn a lesson about how industrialization was a bad idea to begin with and technology is completely wrong, and we should never have progressed beyond the Middle Ages, because then nature suffers and eventually decides to rebel with its supernatural nature powers. Oh, and there will be a short movie where Pikachu has wacky speechless adventures at the beginning and the parents in the audience strongly consider going out to buy snacks until it's finished.
TANGENT OVER!
I've been told that there was already a Raquaza movie. Bummer!
Oh yes! There's another post! And it's music! Yay music! I like how latin has more or less become shorthand for any "foreign language no one speaks anymore". We need more of those. Does anyone still speak spanish? If so, they should stop immediately. It's almost the same as italian, anyway. So yes, that was a nice song for them to remix into a super-epic battle theme with epic latin chorus. I sadly don't know what it seems to be transitioning near the end, and my brother doesn't either, despite having played more Fire Emblem than I did. (He can somehow stand not being able to bring back lost allies even if you shell out like 25000 credits at the end of the mission!) This song is so epic that it brings to mind images of dozens of shirtless Fire Emblem characters, weapons in hand, marching down the battlefield while singing in latin for no clear reason. From afar, enemies flee in terror, for their epic song isn't nearly as good and doesn't repeat "Fire Emblem" nearly enough. Because as we all know, repeating the name of your series' McGuffin is a source of power.
TODAY'S RATING: 4 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 121: Entry 145: Items from Previous Installments
This time it gets REALLY long!
I hope my body can take it...
You become gigantic!
It was AWESOME! I didn't think his body could take it.
Maaaaan, I don't like the feel of this.
Well, I know I might be controversial in saying this, but you pay me to have these edgy opinions. Or, well, you don't, but you should. So yes, controversy: I like this update. You can take the time to pick the glass shards of your exploded monocle out of your eye before you read the next sentence. Done? Good. See, I've learned to see the bright side in those things after a while. Superpowerred evil alter-ego fueled by hatred of bad updates and all living things aside, I think these trials have made me a better person. I've endured weeks and weeks of thinly-disguised slow painful torture, so now, I appreciate the little things in life much better. It's a bit like coming back from a months-long trip to Africa and hugging your VCR, even though it's an obsolete noisy piece of hardware with poor picture-recording quality, because all Africans have is bamboo shoots, oral tradition and the assurance that nature will not rebel against them anytime soon.
So, what am I so happy about? The fact that they just crammed six potential terrible updates into a single underwhelming one. They'd have done it, too. They made an update about crates and barrels, remember? I don't know about you, but I prefer this greatly over the prospect of waking up one morning and seeing Sakurai trying his best to muster up enthusiasm about the lenght of his beam sword. Wait, wrong example. I think I could go on for several JTT entries about nothing but the lenght of my beam sword. But you get my point.
Now I regret that JTT is almost over, because that would've had lots of potential right there.
Now, a lightning round of factlets!
Day 122: Entry 146: Gray Fox
Day 122: Entry 147: Grab and Throw
Awww! It makes you want to use him as a playable character.
Maybe in the sequel. This is the only thought that keeps me sleeping at night.
And the Metal Gear content keeps coming in! The second most awesome MGS character (after Otacon, who may not translate to assist trophy well) appears as an assist trophy, raising the game's awesomeness rating just a little more once again. Plus, ponder, if you will, the implications of this for Sonic's own appearance! We may now see a... huh... gee... Tails assist trophy! Wow! Of course, I doubt Yuji Naka is as enthousiastic about the game as I imagine Hideo Kojima to be. I can see it, you know. Kojima just barges into the Sora offices once every two weeks or so, and starts enthusiastically ranting at whoever will listen that he's got a great idea for stuff Snake could do, and then hands Sakurai a pile of documents stating he could basically make a whole MGS game around the Smash concept, and then Sakurai tries to be friendly but can't help but feel a little awkward. As Kojima starts telling him about the Mario Gear Solid crossover he's been thinking of for after this game is done, Sakurai interrupts him, apologizing and saying he's just been text-messaged by Yuji Naka, who requested an immediate meeting to discuss the finer points of Sonic's inclusion. It's only a half-truth, however, because the text message only consists of "yeah, sonic can use the spin dash sure. dunno about the up+b? something w/ rings? Heh"
Also, fun fact. Apparently, the japanese site's update had some more info. It seems Fox (the gray one) gets some lines when he appears, but says something different if Snake is on the battlefield. I figure they mustn't have said anything about that because they weren't sure they're record lines for him in the english version, maybe. But with Otacon, Mei Ling and Campbell all confirmed as returning just for silly cutscenes, I think we can afford to be hopeful.
Now, oh, hey, wow! It's a double update. I wonder if...
...
SAKURAAAAAAI!
I'm Masahiro Sakurai, but you may call me Director. I direct this development team, after all.
Hello.
Director! I mean Sakurai. What is this chicanery? Kudos for you including this as part of a double update, but this part about throwing causes me physical pain to look at. If this is anything like what you've got in store for Friday, this world had better say its prayers right away.
No worries, no worries! We have everything under control. Please look forward to it.
You try my patience, Sakurai. But very well.
TODAY'S RATING: 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 123: Entry 148: Lucas: Special Moves
They are from the same family of PK users.
Reread that. Ponder the implications.
They are from the same family of PK users.
are from the same family of
from the same family
Why... This could only mean... NESS IS
LUCAS' DAD!
(And a badass cowboy.)
...Wait... so if I sleep with Paula... LUCAS WILL NEVER BE BORN?! AAAAAAAAAH!! ...Wait, it's okay, she's like somewhere between eight and twelve. The game never makes it clear.
Joking aside, I can only imagine the hordes of fanpeople speculating about this entry. Masses and masses of them, shirtless, singing in latin about how Ness has only been in the game up until now, which means THE END, or something equally ominous when said in latin. This makes me glad I'm only obsessed about this game enough to have set a car on fire when the game got delayed!
I'm surprised that I didn't nuke Canada again when the second delay came, honestly.
If you're asking me for my own theory, which you aren't but I'll pretend otherwise, I think Ness still has a shot at being in. I can't definitely say wether or not he will be, because you might not have noticed, but they didn't definitely say it either, and they're by far our most reliable source of information. I believe, by now, that pretty much all of SSBM's cast will be returning, save maybe for some of the more superfluous ones like Dr. Mario and Pichu. I mean, for heaven's sake, they put in the Ice Climbers. It would take a special brand of evil to put them in and not Ness. Lucas is similar, but Earthbound fans aside, I'm pretty sure some fans of the franchise (and not much else Nintendo) would really miss the funny kid with the cap. Instead, we have the funny kid with the funny haircut, but... it's not the same thing, you know?
One important argument I heard in the Ness-won't-come-back camp is that Sakurai apparently said he didn't want to bring back the "cloned" characters concept from Melee, wherein characters would share movesets but with some tiny tweaks here and there. However, I'd like to know the exact quote on this, because this leaves some room for interpretation. Take, for example, Luigi. I think I can safely bet my right hand (but I won't, because, well, my hand) that Luigi will come back. But now what? Will they give him an entirely different moveset? I think not! He is Mario's Player 2 counterpart and all. Luigi had the unique Luigi Rocket move in Melee already, and while he plays similarly to Mario, he's been tweaked enough to be a much more different gameplay experience than, by comparison, Dr. Mario. Would Luigi qualify as one of the clones getting axed, as is? I'm tempted to doubt it. (And this is unrelated, but I'm predicting that not only is he in, but his Down+B, like Mario's FLUDD replacement which pushes enemies away, will be changed for the Poltergust which pulls enemies in. Write that down just in case.) And here, coming back to Lucas, he seems to play similarly to Ness, but with a different move, a pretty different-looking basic attack pattern, and the expected tweaks. I believe there could be room for Ness still. They seem to be cramming in everything they can, and somehow I have trouble picturing a somewhat popular character from the past two games getting left on the cutting room floor, twin with a funky hairdo or not.
So bottomline, I still have no idea. HA! They may yet surprise us already. Or they may not. Who knows?
Shhhhhhhh. Don't spoil.
oh yeah and the moves are okay i guess
This is it! Friday's entry! This one will decide the fate of the world!
TODAY'S RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 124: Entry 149: Norfair
Whoa! That looks hot.
...
SAKURAAAAAAI!
This is it, the ultimate Smash Bros. Dojo entry! And please call me Director, as I told you before.
...
I figured, since you were a devil, that we could do something about a stage with lots of lava in it. You enjoyed it, right?
...You know, I just remembered that I didn't really plan anything special to save the world with...
TODAY'S RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
(Seems we survived the Apocalypse. Knock on wood!)
*cough* Everyone all right? GAME!
1ST PLACE WINNER: As usual, we live in a Bizarro world where Mondays are great and Fridays are merely ordinary! I generally dig Subspace Emissary entries, and this one certainly doesn't disappoint. Adding in a pretty cool song was not necessary, but cakes are better with icing, don't you think? ...Speaking of which, the King's tribute isn't quite ready yet. Oh bother. I hope he won't throw a tantrum.
LAST PLACE LOSER: Lucas' moveset isn't so bad, but it's pretty crazy what speculation a single line will fuel. I prefer not to think about it too much, but look at what this thing is making me do! NEXT TIME, JAPAN TIME TIME! NEXT T-- All right, I don't think we need me to become a villain at this point. Superpowerred evil alter-ego fueled by hatred of bad updates and all living things aside.
THIS WEEK'S OVERALL RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
It seems that every week somehow seems to round up at 3 or 4. Not this time, despite what the averages might say! I'll listen to my heart here, and it's telling me that this week sort of sucked. This feels like the good old days of the site's launch, doesn't it?
?And believe me I am still alive
I'm doing a game and I'm still alive
I feel fantastic and I'm still alive
While you are dying I'll be still alive
And when you're dead I'll be still alive
Still alive, still alive... ?
You too, huh?
The plot thickens! ...Wait, there's another page? Oh, right! I really need to learn how to count.
On the last episode of Japan Time Time...
Hear me, human race! If your next Friday update doesn't make me pee my pants in delight, this entire planet will have to suffer dire consequences. As a warning, I will destroy Canada!
Farewell, maple leaves and Tim Horton's!
Oh no! I have to stop him! Devilsnotman! Eat my ultimate Friday update! SPECIAL LAVA ATTACK!
HAHAHAHA! I AM ABSORBING YOUR ATTACK AND IT ONLY MAKES ME STRONGER! I WILL DESTROY THE WORLD! BEHOLD, MY TRUE FORM!
Despite going back in time for the sole purpose of preventing this, I forgot to actually do something about it.
SKREEEEEEEE!! SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
CHIRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
WRYYYYYYYYYY
BREEEEEEEEEEEE!
FADE TO WHITE.
(Insert new, angstier opening theme.)
My name is Toad. Six days have passed since the blast. Six days have passed since... everything changed. Gone. Everyone is gone. All employees, including me, have been blown clear out of the Japan Time Time building by the explosion. I woke up to find myself in the middle of an empty wasteland.
Alone.
The overworld theme has changed since then. It's the... second one from Final Fantasy VII, I think? Either way, it's pretty depressing. Did I mention that the Japan Time Time building has grown like three times taller and looms ominously on the horizon, drawing dark clouds to it like a beacon of pure evil? Because it did.
Surviving hasn't been easy. Toads have never been of the hunter-gatherer type, and it shows. Most creatures I've found still alive are either tiny and riddled with disease, or something like three times stronger than what used to roam around these parts. Luckily, I quickly got the materials to fashion myself a crude fishing rod. Note for self, though: Don't eat the slow fish. Ugh.
With the leftover materials from the fishing rod, I made myself a crude short-wave radio. I figured if I would be looking for any more survivors, having some means of communications would help. They'd probably be trying to call for help somehow, too. So far I've been having no success tuning in to anything, but this all changed one fateful night. I was fiddling around with the dials, and, all of a sudden, I heard a very familiar voice...
JAPAN TIME TIME!
WEEK #26:November 12th to 16th, 2007
Hi, everyone. This is Snot Man, broadcasting from a nuclear shelter I can't disclose the location of!
Ooooooh, yeah... I forgot to mention that in my more recent entries. If you were trying to get my home adress and not able to, that's why.
I'd be glad to get some visitors or confirmation that there's still someone else out there, besides me and my superpowerred evil alter-ego, but well, superpowerred evil alter-ego wants to destroy his good side once and for all. Sorry about that, by the way. The whole destroying the world thing. It's okay, though, Devilsnotman grew powerful enough to not need my body anymore, so now I can atone neatly while still having an incarnation of pure evil (and frustration at the Smash Bros. Dojo) for everyone to hate! Oh, and good news. This shelter has Internet access, and it turns out the Smash Bros. Dojo didn't go offline either, nor did the game get pushed back because of the thing where most landmasses are now barren, lifeless wastelands. To make a long story short, this means Japan Time Time still continues! Knock on wood, folks!
Well, I guess it's okay that I didn't save the world, then.
Day 125: Entry 150: Ike: Final Smash
Do a standard special move to swing your blazing sword!
Pretending to be Voltron won't make you cooler, Ike. You should learn to just be yourself!
You know, I'm beginning to wonder if Final Smashes have always sucked this much. The last few ones have pretty much all disappointed me in some way or another. So maybe it's just me? Maybe I'm judging those by unrealistically high standarts of awesomeness I made up in my head?
TAAAAA NANANA!
JAPAN TIME TIME!
ANY NEWS?
WHAT'S UP IN SSB?
CAN WE STILL PLAY AS SONIC?
Nyyyyyope, the last ones just suck! Good to know, because I was starting to lose hope. This might just be because I never played that Fire Emblem and thus don't know the significance of this particular move (HA!) but it seems like one of the least spectacular ones so far. I mean, it's one of his ordinary moves turned up to 11. It looks like it miiiight be fun to use, but it's hardly original or very impressive. Shaaaaame on you, Nintendo! Shame on you for not coming up with anything crazier for a sword user to do when infused with PURE, RAW POWER. Couldn't he, like, slice the air and blow up tanks or anything? I mean, swordsmen keep doing that. MY TANKS, YOU **** SWORDSMEN! Ugh.
Note: I've seen a video of Great Aether in action. I take that back. I take EVERYTHING back. This rating is obsolete and you should not pay attention to it. The update just made it LOOK lame.
And here, interestingly, it says "In multiplayer brawls, you can move freely as long as you aren’t the one who’s suffering the Final Smash." This makes it sound as if it worked differently in other modes. Are opponents frozen into place when one gets the Smash Ball in one-player modes or something? Weird.
TODAY'S RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 126: Entry 151: Three Different Taunts
Snaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaake!
TRIPLE THE TAUNTS, TRIPLE THE FUN! What can I say? I like taunting! And this means that, statistically, everyone will have at least one taunt that doesn't suck, this time around! Mario will have at least one that doesn't take half an hour, Snake will go under his box (So it seems that won't be one of his moves!) and, hopefully, Ness will still say "Okay!" for no reason other than because that's what american kids do!... ...
...
*sob*
Shhh.
Anyway, this update is strange. We get some of these once in a while, where the english translation (or, well, the japanese text it was translated from) makes me raise my eyebrow. Let's look at the highlights!
Oh. A fairy.
Here, Link or Sakurai seems bored with the concept of a fairy. Like, "Oh, a fairy. Been there, done that. I suuuure wasn't expecting that. What's next? Rupees? Oh. Rupees."
Is this his mysterious pose from the Nintendo 64 version?!
This pose is very mysterious! Where did it come from? What were its true intentions? Why is it back now? Wasn't it dead?! How come it's so dreamy? Why won't it believe in the power of friendship? What is the source of its powerful abilities? Many mysteries, left unsolved.
She curls herself in some sort of new stretch.
Maybe "new stretch" is the exercise sensation in the US of A, I don't know, but that doesn't sound right. Plus, what exactly is Samus doing? It seems she's twirling or something, but she's "curling herself" in "some sort" of "new stretch". It looks sexy, but inexplicable. Hopefully I'll be able to solve the mystery of both the new stretch and the Nintendo 64 pose later.
He gives a shout on the spot.
Here, Fox will "give you" a "shout" on the "spot". I can't think of a good joke. So I'll just leave you with this. I can't have possibly been the only one who thought of that.
DRAGON DRAGON!
ROCK THE DRAGON!
DRAGON BALL Z!
(Instrumental)
TODAY'S RATING: 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 127: Entry 152: Handicap
Be kind to beginners!
MY LIFE HAS BEEN FOREVER CHANGED, MY MIND BLOWN AND MY SOCKS DRIED OFF INSTANTANEOUSLY! I CAN'T FIND MY MONOCLE AND MY HAT JUMPED RIGHT OFF THANKS TO THAT FAULTY AIR CONDITIONING SYSTEM! MY CAPS LOCK KEY JUST EXPLODED AND I'M FINE WITH IT BECAUSE IT ALLOWS ME TO TYPE OUT WHY EXACTLY THIS UPDATE ROCKED MY FACE INTO THE NEXT CENTURY! IT WILL ALSO ALLOW ME TO MAKE YOU UNEASY BY EXPLOITING THE MENTAL ASSOCIATION INTERNET NERDS EVENTUALLY MAKE BETWEEN CAPS LOCK TEXT AND PEOPLE SCREAMING OBNOXIOUSLY! IF I WERE ON A CHATROOM OR SOMETHING, YOU'D PROBABLY GO "UGH, TURN THAT CAPS LOCK OFF, YOU BUFFOON!" AND I DARESAY IT'S NOT BECAUSE YOU HAVE ANY PARTICULAR BEEF WITH CAPITAL LETTERS, BUT JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GET IT OUT OF YOUR HEAD THAT WHAT I'M QUIETLY TYPING HERE IS ACTUALLY SCREAMED AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS. FASCINATING, ISN'T IT? OH, RIGHT, THAT UPDATE MADE ME MORE OF A MAN THAN I EVER WAS!
Ahem. Okay, I'm done! So yeah, I didn't care much for that update at all. To me, this is one of those features you might see, go "neat", try out once then never again. I don't really intend to tutor newbies at the game, either, despite what Nintendo's PR department might want my non-gamer relatives to think. Of course, this has interesting applications for sudden death matches in tournaments, but do I look like I care about things that would be useful to have in tournaments? NO, I DON'T, HAHAHA. RIGHT BACK TO THE CAPS LOCK! HAHAHAHA!
TODAY'S RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 128: Entry 153: Meta Knight: Special Moves
Day 128: Entry 154: Kirby: Meta Knight’s Revenge
But, since he has so many peculiar moves, I wanted to explain them again.
SAKURAI I AM GOING TO END YOU AND THE WORLD YOU'RE STANDING ON-- oh right I already did that. Stay good, self! Stay good!
Seriously, it's like Sakurai was trying to get a reaction out of us here. We must not play his game! We must not dance like tiny puppets following his every whim! We must remain strong, and ignore his taunts! We must also not skim too much through those moves we've already seen, or else we might miss this:
This is a move you use to glide. It’s kind of like Kirby’s wing ability.
Strange. Does this mean that Kirby will be using his wing ability here, or was Sakurai just referencing the previous Kirby games he worked on in the past? I mean, I don't remember the Wing ability allowing you to actually glide. If anything, the most notable thing I recall it doing was that it made you fly a little differently. So yeah, I didn't use that ability much! Plus, it looked really stupid. So let's hope that was just some weird reference. Yes.
Also, it says this will be the move he uses to glide. Have they changed their minds as to what will trigger gliding? I looked it up and apparently that occurs after a mid-air jump, not the up+B move. Or maybe this is just specific to Meta Knight, whose wings aren't always present!
Oh, wait! This update isn't a complete waste of my time (if I don't like speculating, at least, which I gotta say I prefer making tangents about caps lock over). There's also a MUSIC update! They could've just made that the main update and left it at that. Sheesh. Listen to it! It's GREAT! I think I've already said that a couple of times before, but Kirby Super Star was one of my favorite games of all time. That track wasn't one of my favorites, but I still feel warm and fuzzy hearing it getting such a great remix of it. I predict that, if they remixed the song I liked the most (Here, have a midi if you want to know which one I'm talking about!), my head would explode and I would die a very happy Nintendo fanboy.
And now, Sakurai has the gall to complain that the "overly peppy song might be a little incongruous"!? Grrrr... Breathe, self, breathe... He just wants you to get angry... Yes... Must not let it get the best of you... Also, has anyone else noticed that he seems to be sound apologetic only for the great songs? Hm. Must be a "cultural thing".
TODAY'S RATING: 4 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 129: Entry 155: Spectator
Just to make sure there’s no mistaking that just watching a match can be fun, we’ll be passing out stickers left and right.
Here's a great idea! Let's bribe people into trying this new mode. Now, I've actually seen a lot of people who seemed happy about that update, but I won't give in to public opinion! This is the ME SHOW, which is all about ME and where what you think is IRRELEVANT. YEAH! I really showed you.
In other words, it means I don't mind if you like the Ice Climbers and Coin Mode as long as you don't mind if I don't!
Somehow, this all seems rather boring to me. I mean, I guess it's nice if I want to laze away and eat an oversized leg of fried chicken while drinking from a novelty soda cup with a giant straw and watching total strangers playing Smash... LIVE, but... I mean, it probably won't be very different from either leaving the game on Attract mode and watching the random battle demo they show there, or pitting four level 9 computers against each other in a battle royale to the death. Here, players are human, but does that really change much? They'll cheat less, of course, but there are also chances you'll catch some paraplegic 3 year olds who think picking Bowser will make them significantly more powerful than anyone else. (Not that I'm implying Bowser is or will be particularly bad here. The strong, slow bruiser type is a perfectly reasonable competitive character choice, right?!)
Now, if you could watch your FRIENDS play, that could be much more interesting. Once aggagain (that wasn't a typo, I just thought the word would be cool), this isn't a feature I could see myself use much, but it would at least be nice to know it's there.
It seems you can also bet coins on matches! Now this sounds a little bit more interesting, but still not really exciting. How can you tell who's going to win? Apparently, you know NOTHING about the competitors beside which character and stage they pick. Maybe you could just take the safe road and always bet on the higher-tier characters! Or maybe you could take the smart road and carefully study which characters are good in what stages and against who! Yes, I think that's how it's going to go, now. Already, I can picture my brother angrily walking up the stairs (because our Wii is in our basement, see, an information that may be capital if you wish to stalk me someday, so write that down), complaining that Donkey Kong should NOT have won against Wario on The Summit. If DK had done the RIGHT moves, he would have been completely dominated!
Now, stickers! I really like the comment I quoted above. How does it make any sense? "This is going to be fun! In case you don't think this is going to be fun, here! Have a sticker! In fact, have a BUNCH of stickers! Don't you like getting tons of worthless crap from basically doing nothing? Don't you? You should! You lazy american! It's what you do!"
ALSO! OMFG, Daisy is playable! I believe this is the first sighting of alternate color schemes on this site. Tell me if I'm wrong! Nothing really spectacular here, though, since all those colors already were in Melee pretty much as-is, and I see no extra costume parts or anything particularly interesting. Too bad, because I'm hoping for more drastic alternate costume changes, following the trend of Pikachu's many different hats and whatnot.
TODAY'S RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
GAME!
1ST PLACE WINNER: Man. Not much choice at all this week. We really ARE back in the oldschool days of Japan Time! This feels so nostalgic and 8-bitty. I guess if I have to pick, I'll take the only double update this week. The Meta Knight bit I really could've done without, but I guess at least it's out of the way, and the song was actually pretty kickass, despite how utterly INCONGRUOUS it might be.
LAST PLACE LOSER: I'm torn between the handicap and Ike's Final Smash. Both were pretty lame, but I guess "Here is a change to a fairly minor (aside from computer player balancing in 1-player modes, we guess) gameplay feature we used to have before" will have to win the HALL OF SHAME this week. Sadly, since this world is only a dead husk and a shadow of its former self, King DeDeDe will only be recieving delicious pancakes as tribute for this... if he still lives.
Another boring week in general, huh. Well, I guess I gotta have SOME punishment for my terrible sin. This is a weight I must carry myself. I must atone... for her sake. And other cliché stuff like that!
THIS WEEK'S OVERALL RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
I turned the radio off. This didn't give me much useful information, but it gave me much more. Hope. There was at least one other person on this god-forsaken planet still alive. Thus, there was a chance, however slim, that members of the old gang might have made it. The path was clear. Even if I had to walk the entire world on these feet, brave the toughest bloodthirsty mutant foes and complete the most inane of fetch quests, I would find and reunite everyone.
I grabbed my large dramatic cloak, draped it on my shoulders, and began my journey through the Desert of Scavengers. That's what it's called now, I think.
And that's it. We've finally caught up. Week #27 was Japan Time Time's premiere on the Super Smash Blog, and I never again adressed the issue of what happened to Toad. What's he been doing all these months? Where's everyone else? How could I go so long without mentioning that we were now living in a post-apocalyptic nightmare? Why didn't YOU notice to begin with? Some of these questions will be answered... soon! Thanks for reading, Smash fans!
Tune in this week-end as the final weekly Japan Time Time update goes live! It'll be a blast!
What? They’ve been pretty much fine recently… PD, you’d better back up, I think he or she wants to drive.
And now, for our featured presentation.
Math error?
Huh.
All right, then! Let's get this started!
WEEK #22: October 15th to 19th, 2007
Bad news, everyone! Despite my fundraiser, we came juuuuust short of the required million dollars, meaning I didn't get to fly to Los Angeles and play the Brawl demo! Oh well. You did all you could! But worry not, I spent all those funds on something almost as awesome! What is it? You may find out once it's done being constructed! Hints: it's sixty feet tall, gold-plated, and looks like me.
Day 105: Entry 127: New Pork City
I’m no maaaaaaaatch...
Hurray! A stage set in the final chapter of a game that's technically not available for english speakers to play! Unless they like following through the game with a script, stumbling through item lists, not really having any freedom, and missing all the humor in battle messages and whatnot!
This is a bit awkward.
All right, people who haven't played Mother 3 yet (and actually intend to)? Don't pay too much attention to the screenshots. In there is a detail that, while not a gigantic spoiler by itself (you might even see it coming while playing!), could be considered one!
Now that this is out of the way, dang. This is pretty awesome. A buttload of detail went into this, and while I don't think everyone liked the Temple in Melee, I, for one, approve of super-large stages! The Ultimate Chimera was a bit unnecessary, but I guess it's nice to have some hazards so, as they say, there'll be an end to it if someone does nothing but run away. If I recall right, touching that thing in the game didn't even trigger a battle and gave you an instant Game Over, so I guess that's been translated in pretty well here. I could think of another hazard that could one-shot you, but it also happens to be the very detail I said not to look at earlier. Dang it!
They need to hurry up with that translation patch. Grumblegrumble.
TODAY'S RATING: 4 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 106: Entry 128: STADIUM: Home Run Contest
PWANG! You launch him!
I wasn't a huge fan of the Home Run Contest in Melee, so this left me shrugging. Normally, I'd just do it with all the characters, spamming the same low-knockback attack again and again, then smash that Sandbag, but once I got the trophies, I was done. Aside from a few hardcorer fans who liked to test out combos and whatnot, I don't think I was alone doing that.
But still! I'm not complaining that the feature is back, if only because we can see Mr. Sandbag again. I like Mr. Sandbag. His soulful eyes and whimsical feature are an attracting point. Sandubaggu-kun is a great friend who lets you unleash frustration with fierce attacks. Of course, we already knew he'd be appearing in the loading screen for online matches, so there isn't much reason for me to rejoice. You'd THINK that, but consider for a bit. Now, we can beat up Sandbag in online co-op. Put two and two together! That's right. First you get to toss him around on the loading screen, and then... more Sandbag! This is like a dream come true, isn't it?
Double the Sandbag, double the fun!
There are mathematical equations that could prove that claim! But seriously, I hope they'll soon prove that they're capable of using Wi-Fi for more interesting things, because yeesh. As much as I've always wanted to see a sentient sandbag being beaten up by two Solid Snakes, one of which is played by a friend in another country without either one of us having to take a plane first, I have to admit that this was a bit low on my priority list.
Also, neat! A forcefield! I hope it'll break spectacularly when you smash through it. Because everyone knows forcefields must shatter like glass and stuff when you apply enough force. Also, yadda yadda, this changes the Home Run Contest metagame forever, I guess. Like that one time they introduced a set of Yu-Gi-Oh cards that had the gimmick of punching your opponent in the pressure points when you flipped them into attack mode. My brother kept spazzing out when they announced that. It might just be because his pressure points had been shattered and he was having a seizure, though.
TODAY'S RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 107: Entry 129: Meowth
Day 107: Entry 130: How to use the Wii Remote
And (perhaps boldly), it will be available for play with the Wii Remote. Is that really going to be OK?
Smash Bros. Dojo double feature! This will be divided into two points. Point A will cover the part regarding Meowth, while point B will cover the one on how to use the Wii Remote. Everybody got all that? I know this is a revolutionary concept, but don't mind stopping me if it's too hard to grasp! Honestly, it's okay!
Point A:
Back from his inexplicable vacation in Melee, Meowth rejoins the roster of Pokéball monsters! Of course, I have an hypothesis regarding where he was all this time, but it's complicated and involves Team Rocket, a time paradox and my hatred for Lucario being concentrated hard enough to take physical form.
It appears that he's still using Pay Day this time around, albeit a little less impressively than before. I might be misremembering, but I think he also floated in mid-air last time, so it's not really a huge los-- Um? You wanted to say something, Sakurai-sensei?
That definitely appears to be a coin on its forehead, but what do you suppose they call it in Japan?
That's a good question, Masahiro Sakurai-senpai. If I were to venture a guess, I'd say something like a "raaki coino" or something. Is this right, Sakurai-chan?
Maybe if you check the Japanese version of Smash Bros. Dojo you can find out...
Ooooh, that sounds like a good idea, Masahiro-san. All right. Now, let's see. Um.
“??????”????????
????????????????
?? ???????????“??”???????
??????????????????
I'm... I'm not sure, but I think that means it's called a ??. This is so... so SUGOI!
All right, I'm plugging this into conversations from now on. Thank you, Masahiro my man! Everyone will be jealous of me now! I know something about Japan that you don't! Eat this, people who could read through Mother 3 without any trouble! Don't mess with me, or I'll throw a ?? at you! It stands for "Raaki Coino"!
Point B:
This reads a bit like a cross between the instruction manual and the Twilight Zone. First, you have the expected controls, which we already knew about already or could guess easily, and then you start having weird twists popping up, and then it ends with a figurative middle finger to the audience and/or characters. It's all pretty much fine until the B button comes along, I mean. They even say it themselves! The button is kind of hard to press. Unfortunately, it's the only way to do three different things, plus another thing (Grabbing, true believers! -Fretting Fred) that can be done with the - button but also happens to share the same controller input (Pressing 2 while holding B! Excelsior! -Freedom Fred) as another completely unrelated action (Throwing an item! If you guessed, you win a No Prize! -Farting Fred).
Of course, you'd have to be mentally challenged to try and grab someone while holding an item, and Z did pretty much the exact same thing in Melee before, but I only just realized that, and I'm afraid that, if I erase those complaints, my whole Stan Lee/Editor's Notes joke will be ruined! So I'll just leave them here, and hope no one notices.
But my point about the final middle finger remains!
How about a little mental training before the time comes when you actually control it?
I don't really hate Sakurai for no reason. It's just that he loves to twist the knife in and destroy my hopes and dreams like that.
Yoshi really has an enormous shoe. I had never noticed that.
TODAY'S RATING: 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 108: Entry 131: Little Mac
Resurrecting this legend for the current generation is something we can all enjoy just a bit.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
He's not playable, sadly, but still.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
I always thought the Punch-Out franchise was one of those that was more popular in America for some reason. I mean, it has an american protagonist, the whole Mike Tyson endorsement thing, and an opponent who can be quoted saying "Sushi, Kamikaze, Fujiyama, Nipponichi...". But either way, he's here! He's not playable, sadly, but... maybe in the next game? I can always dream, can't I?
And it seems that they've settled an important issue once and for all, here. It's not his enemies who are inexplicably ten feet tall or so! It's him who's freaking small!
And now, because I don't have much to write about here, because it's somewhat related, because it's awesome, because I haven't put up a YouTube video here yet and because I can't bear the thought of any Nintendo fan not having seen it, I'll throw in the fanmade Punch-Out movie trailer for free!
TODAY'S RATING: 4 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 109: Entry 132: Peach: Final Smash
The flowers bloom. The peaches pour down. Yes. It’s so elegant.
It always looks weird when characters grab the Smash Ball. I mean, they look like they're posessed by the spirit of the popular japanimation character, "Dragon Ball Z". It looks weird on the likes of Yoshi and Pikachu, but on Peach it looks downright freaky. What does she do when she feels the power overwhelming, when her aura starts burning with flames of crimson? She starts exuding hearts and flower petals, dances, everyone falls asleep, and then peaches appear out of nowhere.
And that, my friends, is horrifying.
It also seems pretty underwhelming, from a gameplay standpoint. Like Diddy's Final Smash, if you survive it, it seems you might wake up to see a bunch of healing items scattered throughout the stage. I guess it's nice to have a Final Smash where you can choose between messing up your opponents' lives while they're defenseless or healing up, but the way it's set up seems silly, since if you don't heal up, your opponents probably will, which means you pretty much just wasted your character's ultimate move. Assuming you didn't kill them all first, I guess. Maybe I'm wrong, though. Maybe it IS easy to slay a bunch of sleeping enemies like that! And bonus points if the peaches disappear as people start waking up, too, because sheesh.
TODAY'S RATING: 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
1ST PLACE WINNER: In the absence of strong contenders for the title, Little Mac wins the championship belt by technical KO! I also told him to uppercut anyone who pointed out that I got my cute metaphors mixed up here. Maybe I need to stop talking to fictional characters like that. People seem to think I'm crazy.
LAST PLACE LOSER: I was a bit underwhelmed by Peach's Final Smash, if only just because flames of intense burning courage and flower petals just don't mix, but the return of the Home Run Contest was even more meh in general, possibly on virtue of not being a Final Smash. Either way, the latter got a lower score than the former, so ha!
THIS WEEK'S OVERALL RATING: 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
And that's it for this week! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be in my room, crying over the fact that other normal people got to play the game but NOT ME. However! If news spread of a publically available demo disk of some sort becoming available at some point in the future, even if bundled with a game or magazine or whatever, I'd really appreciate it if one of you was kind enought to notify me. If not, I will be forced to resort to force. What? Why are you laughing? You should take me seriously! I have a katana and a ??, folks!
WEEK #23: October 22nd to 26th, 2007
Day 110: Entry 133: PictoChat
Oh! That’s just divine.
How strange! How unusual! Of course, I'd be more surprised if I hadn't, y'know, seen Super Flat Zone before, but I think this tops it in terms of strangeness. (Wario Ware being a strong contender, of course.) Plus, now we know where this weird cookbook software thing's song will probably be used, as well as why they hired the guy who did the Mii Shop Channel music! All of the songs we see here are pretty much quiet and subdued background music, which is why I'm pretty eager to hear how they'll remix them into slugfest-worthy material.
Now, as for the stage's design itself, that's pretty neat, the way it's drawn and redrawn with new hazards and platforms all the time. Hopefully the drawings will be randomized to keep us guessing, instead of following a predictable pattern like in, say, Poké Floats. But now, I can't help but wonder. What kind of PictoChat, exactly, have the game developers been using? I know I barely ever bothered with that feature at all, but I'm pretty sure that some singing(?) guy, some mine cart thing and stacks of blocks are not very accurate representations of what is really going on there. There appears to be a distinct lack of chat there, which is a bit of a shame, because it might be neat to see some scrolling text trying to rationalize how all that weird crap would come up in a normal, stylus-enhanced conversation between relatively normal people.
Looking at this also reminded me of that one Looney Toons short, you know the one, where Daffy Duck argues with the pen drawing him and is put into more and more outrageous situations. I couldn't help but think, wouldn't it be neat if... Hold on, time out, I'm putting that sentence on hold to go on a tangent.
You see, I tend to hate it when speculators for a game or whatever take the time to go "Ooooh, ooooh, wouldn't it be neat if?" Who cares about your list of series you'd like to see in Super Robot Wars? Why do you think your well thought-out idea for a new RPG battle system needs to be explained in excruciating detail? Unless I get to play it or see it happening, there isn't much point to doing that. No, that vague hope that someone from Nintendo will read it and use your idea will not realize itself. There are laws against that. But here I am, doing it. Feel free to throw stones at me.
Where was I? Oh yes! Wouldn't it be neat if you could, say, have a fourth player use the DS as a controller, and actually draw the stage themselves? Of course, hazards like fire and whatnot wouldn't work, but drawing platforms and stuff could be pretty amusing if you get imaginative! (The great thing about this part is that the tangent is longer than my actual point!)
Okay, I'm done now.
TODAY'S RATING: 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 111: Entry 134: Donkey Kong Makes His Stand
It’s time to rise up against this blatant provocation!
"The Koopatron, the ultimate fortress, will have the world to its knees... The only thing missing is the power source, Donkey Kong's magical Golden Banana."
"But isn't it like searching for a needle in a haystack, papa?"
"No, Jr. ...We'll just steal them all!"
THIS FEBRUARY...
"This is Lakitu, live from Donkey Kong Island, where the greatest banana heist since the 1994 K. Rool Krisis has just taken place. Residents are in a state of panic, Kremlings are advised to stay in their homes, and roads from Jungle Japes to Cranky's House have been blocked off due to violent riots..."
ONE APE
"They stole muh bananas!... They're gonna PAY!"
AND HIS LITTLE BUDDY
"I'm right behind you! You'll need all the help you can get!"
WILL MAKE THEIR STAND
"What sort of fool would DARE stand against the almighty Koopa Troop?"
"Dare this."
100! 200! 400! 800! 1600! 1-UP!
BE READY...
"Candy, are you hurt?!"
"DK, the Golden Banana, all along, it was inside your hea..."
*belch*
TO GO BANANAS!
DONKEY KONG
Opens in theaters February 10th. Parental guidance required.
"You ever wondered why we eat each other's fleas?"
"They're kind of tasty."
Holy crap, Donkey Kong is so BADASS now.
I sort of wonder why Bowser would have interest in stealing his bananas, though. K. Rool did it because it pissed him off, I presume, but usually you can stay on the ape's safe side by staying out of his frickin' hoard, not giving him penalties in Mario Party, and maybe offering him something shiny. Aggroing him like that just isn't a good idea.
TODAY'S RATING: 4 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 112: Entry 135: STADIUM: Target Smash!
It feels great to use all of your knowledge and techniques to shave off a hundredth of a second.
Golly! It's another update about a feature that was in previous versions of the game and came back with a slight facelift! It's sort of neat that there are now five stages for each character... at least I hope it's for each, because otherwise that would just suck. The inclusion of items I'm a little more wary about, as while I'm not the kind of player who, in their words, "salivates at the thought of speed runs", I think it sort of misses the point of Break the Targets. They may prove me wrong, of course, but usually, the point of the mode is to use your character's unique abilities in original ways to hit all of the targets without dropping into a pit. And... aside from a few exceptions, the Home Run Bat is handled pretty much the same by everyone. Plus, hopefully the items aren't randomized, or else there would be anarchy in the thriving Target-Breaking community.
All right, that was a sort of boring update, so-- Hmmm?
There is another announcement I’d like make simultaneously...
Ooooooh, wow. See, now that's more interesting. Only three minutes isn't a whole lot of filming time, but I guess they have to spare the Wii's meager memory space. It's not very clear wether you have to turn recording on and off, or if it just keeps the last three minutes stored or something, but hopefully it's the latter, because otherwise, we might have another completely useless mode on our hands! Hurrah! I'm looking forward to sending all of your guys tons of "Look at this AWESOME THING I did!" videos where I send you three minutes of footage without specifying who I'm playing or what, exactly, the awesome thing I did was!
TODAY'S RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 113: Entry 136: King Dedede
Mechanizing his wooden mallet, he delivers a mighty, earth-shaking blow!
Oh no, another gimmick entry coming up. Brace yourselves...
DEDEDE DEDEDE DEDEDE!
DEDEDE DEDEDEDE DEDEDE!
Get angry! Blue penguin thingamagig!
Wood hammer, and a stylish red coat!
From the top of your BIG THRONE
Watch over Dreamland's future
Take action now!
The food in your pantry
Don't forgive Kirby for eating it!
DEDEDE DEDEDE DEDEDE!
DEDEDE DEDEDEDE DEDEDE!
PENGUIN FUSION approved!
The super-royal combination is
Bending the floorboards!
WOODEN HAMMEEEEEER!
Envy! Sloth! Gluttony! Greed! Born is
The invicible huge penguin,
Our King of Dreamland!
DEDEDEDE DEDEDE!
This is the story of a penguin and his followers, who bravely fight to rid Dreamland of an annoying marshmallow thing!
Okay, I'm done now. This is the second last time I use a random GaoGaiGar tribute instead of an actual commentary entry. I don't know when the last time will be, but I prefer to save it up just in case. I also promise to use a translation of the theme song with less stilted english next time!
And if you really want my opinion, DeDeDe looks pretty rad here. Not the pants-pooping new character I expected, but I like that guy. I'm just hoping they won't have him voiced by some texan guy, because I normally don't complain about anime dubs, but that just ain't right.
Oh, and bonus points for what I believe to be the surprisingly first Kirby Hat appearance yet, and a shot of what I believe will be DeDeDe's stage introduction or taunt. Did I say anything about how happy I was that those custom stage introductions were back? I am! Turning from a trophy into an actual character looked cool for about point eight seconds, but I really enjoyed how, in the original Smash, Pikachu would pop out of a Pokéball, Falcon would hop out of his car, Ness would almost screw up his teleportation, and Samus would... huh... come out of a door thing? I always wondered what was up with that.
TODAY'S RATING: 4 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 114: Entry 137: King Dedede: Special Moves
Look! That’s a serious jump!
Y'know, I wonder where I got it into my head that Friday updates were always neat.
I don't really like that silly habits of theirs, where they introduce a new character and then use the next entry to tell us about their moves. Of course, it's nice to know what the character DOES, but my self-diagnosed ADD demands more variety! However, since no one at Nintendo particularly cares even if I voice my dissatisfaction and even start swearing while doing it, I guess there isn't much point to whining about it. Now, let's hope they won't give us any more crud like that, or else I'll become a heckuva annoyed!
That's a pretty interesting moveset he's got there. Abusing random followers in battle is a lot more his style than Peach's, and I'm really amused by the Super DeDeDe Jump. I think he jumped around in some of his boss fights in the games too, so--
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
So THAT's what they meant when they said he mechanized his hammer! Now I'm sad that I already wasted my GaoGaiGar tribute for this week AND the Goldion Hammer sequence parody I did before when the Golden Hammer was announced. Now what am I gonna do? ...I can only hope that his Final Smash involves his hammer getting really freaking huge. Or that, at least, his hands will glow two different colors.
Oooooh! Oooooh! Wait, don't go! I have an alternate joke. How could he get his hammer mechanized like that, anyway? I thought the entrance to the laboratory had a sign explicitly stating "No DeDeDes"? Haha! I kill myself.
TODAY'S RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
Exceptionally, this week's best and worst entries will be judged by our honored guest from Dreamland, King DeDeDe.
1ST PLACE WINNER: The much-beloved King DeDeDe is the greatest, as usual! Take that, Kirby! Hahahahahahahaha! And as usual, the 1st Place Winner wins ALL THE ICE CREAM! --Hey, what are you doing? Get back here and spit that out, you pink little runt! Aaaaargh! I'll flatten you into a pancake!
LAST PLACE LOSER: Obviously, those lame target-smashing antics aren't gonna fly with me or anyone else! I don't know why DeDeDe's smooth moves only got two icons, but I'm sure this is all somehow YOUR fault. Guards! Seize them! And seize all the ice cream in the department store, posthaste!
THIS WEEK'S OVERALL RATING: 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
THE JAPAN TIME TIME NIGHTMARISH SHOCKTOBER SPOOKTACULAR SPOOKCIAL
A Channel DDD original! Be sure to put on your 3D glasses while reading this!
OCTOBER 31ST, JAPAN TIME TIME HEADQUARTERS, SOLID SNAKE'S OFFICE
Great news, Snake!
What? Can I finally stop being the closest thing we have to a main character?
Yes, actually! Thanks to a generous donation from an anonymous source, we've finally obtained the funds to hire another actual human to work here. Meet XStryke!
Hi, David!
How the hell do you--
I played Metal Gear Solid! Isn't that great? I was transported from the real world to this one thanks to my immense knowledge of video games.
That's amazing, XStryke!
...What?
I've recently learned that I was the son of Dante from Devil May Cry, and he gave me those two katanas, ? and ?! I'm on a quest to save Kairi from Kingdom Hearts, but now I'm conflicted between saving her or not because Samus is my girlfriend.
Hi!
This... huh...
That's so cool! Say, Snake, you don't look convinced.
Not really.
That's normal, because I never liked you either. I noticed that characters that suck all hate me for no good reason.
Yeah, cheer up, Snake! By the way, I forgot to tell you, but there were two conditions to the donation we recieved.
Conditions?
The first one doesn't really concern us, but the editorial slant of the reviews has been changed a little. The second one is that... three of us have to spend the night in an abandoned castle!
... Sorry, but you'll have to count me out.
It's okay, Toad. I brought a friend from the real world!
I'm Steve! My specialty is throwing flaming daggers that can chop a man in half thanks to my Saiyajin strenght.
This is going to be a BLAST!
WEEK #24: October 29th to November 4th, 2007
Day 115: Entry 138: Stage Builder
DUN DUN DUNNNNNN! That’s the shocking truth.
Oooooooh, yeah! Once again, an update that supports my theory that, somehow, Nintendo flipped their calendars around, giving them the impression that Mondays were Fridays and vice-versa. I mean, it's a pretty awesome feature, it reveals what the mysterious "fourth button" is, potentially giving us plenty of replay value, AND it has King DeDeDe in the first screenshot! But this continuing awesomeness means that, instead of having a climatically awesome update on a Friday and a poor excuse for one on the following Monday, we have the other way around! This isn't entirely bad in that it gives me a reason to get up on Mondays, instead of remaining in bed until Friday's update, therefore sort of ruining my school and family life in the process. However, what about what I'm writing right now? You saw the climax! This is the best update all week, and there are four more to go still! It's a bit like when you see a movie and realize that you saw all of the awesome bits in the first 10 minutes in the trailer. Then, it proceeds to not be awesome anymore. I'm pondering just flipping the week around or going with some wacky Top 5 format next week if this goes on.
But waaaaait! There was a time when I considered bad updates a good thing. Maybe I need to recapture what I lost since then! I need to regain my sense of sarcasm and capacity to massively overblow disappointments! I need to search my feelings, and find the strenght to get PISSED OFF at Japan Time Time! I need to become... a DEVIL! AMON! ENTER THIS BODY!
RAAAAAAAAAH! That's spooky, isn't it?! Go Nagai's original artwork will do that. Stare at 30 minutes of poorly-drawn facial expressions and everyone looking like Koji Kabuto, and you, too, can gain the angry powers of a Devil! But oh, I digress. Maybe I should start talking about the update, now that I'm properly pumped up to totally tear into it.
Now, what do we have here? Did they code that in yesterday or what? There seems to only be three backgrounds and less than twenty things to put into your actual stages. And this includes what appears to be a TOTEM POLE, folks. Did they run out of ideas before going "All right, I've always wanted to make a stage with a Native American motif"? But, comparing screenshots, it seems the stage elements you can use depend on your background or something. So they can match your "flavor", I guess? That sucks. They're stifling our creativity! I want a stage where greek-ish colums sit atop of totem poles and a fire-breathing Arc de Triomphe looms ominously overhead. But now, will I ever realize my dream? SCREW that.
And what's with their SD cards fetish? At this point, this is just getting ridiculous. Everyone who wants to do anything with the game will have to buy a stack of them at this point. Sakurai must clearly be one of the shareholders for whoever makes those. How much does that crap cost, anyway? Why can't I just get a freaking WII HARD DRIVE and not, say, something I have to buy separately, can't see without a looking glass and probably won't even remove from the machine to begin with? That's it. For Christmas, you guys are buying me a bouquet of SD cards. I've been writing those things for free for a while now, so you at least owe me that. Oh, and you should pay for my copy of the game, too.
And now, the whole submission thing. For when you get tired of playing on Final Destination with items, Luigi and fun off! Every day, you'll be able to download a new custom-made stage modelled directly after the maker's genitalia. I'm on to you, Nintendo. If they just put the tagline "Very scary ruins" onto the stage, you'll never notice what it's actually meant to look like. If you don't get like five hundred submissions a day trying to get a "crotch totem pole" stage past the radar, I'll be very surprised. I almost wish you could put text in the background just to complete the "Cheetos up ins" experience.
I'm not done yet! "Oops! Sorry. For music, you’ll only be able to choose from the songs you have available." What is this crap?! Now we have to unlock everything ourselves? Next you'll tell me I can't play online using a character I haven't unlocked yet? Screw you, Nintendo. Screw you.
"Chuckity-chuckity-CHUCK!" Real funny, Sakurai. This update SUCKS. Let me give it the proper punishment it deserves!
RAAAAAAAH!! You lose a Smash Icon!
TODAY'S RATING: 4 Smash Icons out of 5!
You know what's very scary besides the Fearsome Ruins? Me.
Flaming boulders aside, this place isn't as creepy as I thought it would be.
Don't worry! As long as I have a source of mana, I can split them in half for as long as I want. Get closer to me, Samus.
OK!
Hey! She's my girlfriend! You can't do that!
No, that Samus is my girlfriend. You have the one from the continuity where Metroid Fusion will never happen and you're the Chozo's chosen one.
Hi!
Oh, yeah, right.
G-g-guys!
What, can't you see we're having a serious discussion?
It's a d-d-d...
Boo!
Day 116: Entry 139: Classic
Um, you think they’re there to make it look more lively?
Look! Look! Look! It's CLASSIC MODE, and it's NOT DIFFERENT! No, seriously, aside from a facelift and the part where each stage has a different game "theme", it's not different. It's been the same thing since the first game, and they barely even changed it for Melee. That's why it's CLASSIC MODE. It's like any other game's Arcade Mode, where they don't even bother with a story, and make you fight eight guys for no reason they'll attempt to explain. It's like "how to play Smash" all over again.
What's that, now? Giant Meta Knight? Why not Giant DeDeDe? Those screenshots suck.
Lastly, Mario clears a stage... Wait, WHAT? No kooky bonuses? Just the damage you took and time remaining? No Edge Hog, Butter Fingers, Switzerland, Mr. Saturn Fan, Crate Lifter, Stiff Knees, Meteor KO, Creepy Stalker, Dedicated Specialist, Kirby Eater, Dapper Duck, Tournament Virgin, Nuclear Judo, MAC User, Final Armageddon or Pokéball KO bonuses? Are they mad? Admittedly, I never cared much for those to begin with, since they were pretty arbitrary for the most part. Seriously, find me one person who ever bothered with keeping track of their score. Find me one person who EVER ENJOYED A SCORE MATCH. It sometimes rewards good gameplay practices like "killing your opponents", but otherwise, what? It rewards you for using the most Pokéballs? Eating all the food? Never messing up a throw? Sure, that's nice, but what should you prioritize? Which one will give you a thousand points, and which one should you not bother with? Especially since there were like 8000 different bonuses to keep track of. More importantly, who the hell cares?
All right, screw this. Awesome puns aside, I'm actually glad if those bonuses are really gone.
TODAY'S RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
Oh yeah, I forget. MASSIVE SPOILERS: You spend those coins to get trophies. Just like in the previous game.
AAAAAAAH! It's the Devil!
What game is that thing from? I don't recognize it from any game.
Hold on, I'll ask the guys on GameFAQs with my wristwatch computer.
No time for that! I just have to attack him! EKKUSU... SUTURAAAAAAAAAIKE!
Nuhuhuhuhu...
Wait a second. Weird laugh...
CRASH!
What the... my swords broke against his skin! At least I can regenerate them with my mana... Hnnnng...
...absurd strenght even compared to the protagonist's already ridiculous power...
You fool, you cannot use those simple weapons against me! They were forged by a demon, and thus I am completely immune to them! Your pitiful attacks are only excuses for attacks.
...and he's just standing there explaining his powers. Guys, I got it! It's got to be a character from a Japan-only game!
What? We can't get any info on him, then!
Prepare... to feel absolute despair!
Day 117: Entry 140: The Summit
A pop! A crack! It’s breaking?!
Hmm... well, Icicle Mountain was a pretty stupid level... I wonder what this is all abou--
HOLY **** IT'S BREAKING APART!!
OH MY ****ING GOD WE'RE GOING AT 200 MPH AND I'M STILL THE FIST OF THE NORTH STAR
**** YES! YOU ARE THE BEST CAMEO EVER!
Yes, I just used the same 4chan meme again. Unless you find another humorous way to show a scenario of initial disappointment followed by the tables being turned in an awesome way, feel free to just get off the island. I really have an attitude today!
Bonus points if you immediately recognized where the stoned fish thing was from! And if you didn't, you can count on me to give it away. It's from the NES game, Balloon Fight! I tried finding a screenshot with it in it, but it turns out image searching for "balloon fight" on Google just isn't a good idea. If you really want to know what it's all about, get the game (available on your local Virtual Console or Animal Crossing game! It's simple but very fun.), then stick too close to the water. See who pops out to totally grab you with its mouth and drag you into the cold, unforgiving abyss!
Now, this is pretty cool. I think this is the first time elements from two different games mesh like that in a stage. This, and the fact that the Balloon Fight theme occasionally played on Icicle Mountain back in Melee, supports my theory that Ice Climber and Balloon Fight take place in a shared fictional universe. Sadly, while there's been acknowledgement of at least one other theory (Baraduke, Dig-Dug and Mr. Driller all canonically take place in the same universe!), this is pretty much it. So far, they haven't confirmed the links I found between Burger Time, Frogger and Missile Command, Pipe Dream and Elevator Action, or Arkanoid, Space Invaders and Double Dragon. But hopefully, yes, we'll see more fun cameos like that!
Wait... demon's blood... kicking in... remembering that I need to be mean... WHAT THE CRAP? DeDeDe looks like he's about to get eaten by that fish in that last screenshot! I don't buy it. The real DeDeDe would not only notice it, but kick its butt with great ease. AAAAAAAARGH! THIS MAKES ME SO ANGRY!
TODAY'S RATING: 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
How... how can we defeat an enemy whose weaknesses we don't know?
Nnngh... I'll show him! AAAAAAAAH! SUUUUUPAA EKKUSU SUTURAAAAAAAIKE!
CRASH!
Nuhuhuhuhu! Don't you see it's useless? All demon-made weapons break against my demon skin! You don't stand a chance against me!
S... somehow, I'm sure this is all Dr. Wily's fault.
MEANWHILE...
There, there, Baby Moses. Did you have a bad dream? Ugh. Maybe if I didn't spend so much on materials for apocalyptic contraptions, I could hire a nanny.
MEANWHILE...
HAHAHA! Actually, this is all my doing, but unfortunately for them, I'm in another castle, sitting on my throne and eating popcorn! HAHAHAHA! Oh, that wacky Devil. GUARDS! Get more popcorn ready.
MEANWHILE...
ENOUGH! It is now time for me to unleash my ultimate attack! Prepare yourself for...
He's pointing...
...down?!
What's with those cliffhangers every minute or two, anyway?
Day 118: Entry 141: Meta Knight: Final Smash
This time, behold!
Pfffft. I can think of another Kirby character I'd like to have seen the Final Smash of. And it ain't Kirby.
I wonder if I'm the only one feeling a little underwhelmed by the one. Sure, it looks cool, but there's a whole air of deja-vu about it. Maybe I've watched too much anime or played too many fighting games, which I sort of doubt. The way you'll be hit by a long combo unless you dodge (or presumeably defend from) it, and it's an attack IN THE DARKNESS where strikes come from every direction, both of those things have been done to death already.
Plus, there's the whole bit where you can counteract it by jumping. I know there are a few other underwhelming Final Smashes out there, but having seen a video of the demo in action, I figure that someone else getting ahold of the Smash Ball's terrifying power is supposed to evoke a feeling of "oh god no." In this case, it evokes a feeling of "time to jump!" Of course, those things shouldn't be unavoidable or else it'd be unfair, but here it looks really easy to waste. Oh well.
FUN FACT: Apparently, Meta's sword is called Galaxia in the anime.
TODAY'S RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
BEHOLD! GALAXIA DARKNESS! A single strike of this will send you to a dimension of darkness where you are hit relentlessly! No one has ever survived this!
Dude, you missed. You totally ripped that off from Naruto.
Gouki did it before in Street Fighter anyway.
So... much... pain...
What?! How could this be? No one has ever survived Galaxia Darkness! I see I underestimated you. You are worthy opponents. It seems that, for the first time in this century, I will have to use my TRUE ultimate attack! BEHOLD! SCREEN SCROLL!
He's pointing...
...left?! That's one of the oldest ones in the book! I'm going right!
No, don't do it! You'll reach the edge of the scr--
PLAYER TWO DEFEATED.
STEVE! NOOOO!
STEEEEEEEEEVE! Devil, you *******! I'll make you pay for this! I'm using ? and ?'s ultimate power, even if Dante said it could cost me my life! DEVIL TRIGGER!
PLAYER ONE DEFEATED.
X STRYYYYYYYYKE!
Now, little mushroom. Prepare to feel... the ultimate despair!
Day 119: Entry 142: On-Screen Appearances
Mr. Saturn’s tea table?
But... I knew that already... It's pretty cool, but... Grrr...
This makes me so MAD! What's with Nintendo's beef with Fridays? Why must they waste our time with these things? They could at least have included King DeDeDe's entrance, even if we saw it before! This is it! Enough with this time flip-flop thing they've got going on! We're going back to the old schedule! Hear me, Earth! If you do not give me a GREAT update next Friday, you will suffer the consequences! As a warning, look at what I'm about to do to your beloved Canada!
Goodbye, hockey and mounties!
If my demands are not met within seven days, all major countries in the world will suffer the same fate! You've messed with the wrong person, Nintendo. One angry enough to post pictures of explosions to the Internet!
HAHAHAHA! NO ONE WILL END MY VAGUELY HALLOWEEN-RELATED SPOOKY REIGN OF TERROR! NO ONE!
Hold on, major countries of the world! I'll save ya!
...D-dude. This is the most awesome thing ever. I think I could stare at this thing forever. Heeheehee! Mr. Saturn's tea table can run around and stuff! And Lucas is riding it, looking determined!
Bonus points for the fact that the Arwing actually looks up to scale now.
TODAY'S RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
I... I don't stand a chance against the Devil!
Hi!
Wait... Samus and Samus! You can help me be this guy, right?
OK!
And thus, not fighting with demon-made weapons, Toad, Samus and Samus were able to easily take down the Devil. They then gave XStryke and Steve a decent burial before settling in and having a good night's sleep with no further spooky incidents.
MEANWHILE...
What the... NEXT TIME, JAPAN TIME TIME! NEXT TIIIIIME!
GAME!
1ST PLACE WINNER: Monday's stage editor wins the cake this week! Or, well, King DeDeDe does, as the contract states. Sorry, Monday!
LAST PLACE LOSER: Meta Knight's final smash was eeeeeeh. I don't know why, I just didn't like it. Maybe it's just because Link does something similar already, come to think of it. Thanks to contractual obligations, King DeDeDe gets a cake for that too.
THIS WEEK'S OVERALL RATING: 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
NOVEMBER 1ST, JAPAN TIME TIME HEADQUARTERS, BREAKROOM
So, how was the trip?
Eeeeeh, it wasn't that spooky. I could have sworn I read that in a manga before.
What about the other two guys?
They didn't make it. I'm not sure why, but I don't think I miss them much. Does that make me a bad person? Samus and Samus are okay, though.
Hi!
Remind me never to say anything bad about you ever again, Toad.
MEANWHILE...
I... live...
I... SURVIVE!!
Yes! One question, though.
All right. Who are you anyway? I know when I'm typing normally like this, it's "regular me", or me in the present. And when there's the little icon followed by italics, it's still me, except commenting in old entries. And now, all of a sudden, it's like we're two different people. What's up with that? Are you me from the future or something? Or I'm me in the past and you're trying to prevent me from turning into Devilman, except I already did? Or you're the time machine's AI? Are you the time machine anyway? Why does it look like a TARDIS one second and a DeLorean the next? Wouldn't trying to change history cause a paradox? Why is the timeline in a series of funny Smash Bros. Dojo reviews so insanely complicated?
...Timey-wimey stuff.
On the last episode of Japan Time Time...
Hear me, human race! If your next Friday update doesn't make me pee my pants in delight, this entire planet will have to suffer dire consequences. As a warning, I will destroy Canada!
Farewell, maple syrup and mooses! ...Meeses? Meese?
Oh no! I've got to stop him! Everyone! We have to work our best to make Friday's entry the best one we've had so far! The fate of the world is riding on it!
Will Masahiro Sakurai be able to get to Namek on time to deliver the screenshots for the ultimate Friday entry? Will Piccolo be able to hold off Devilsnotman long enough? Will Snake drink beer, or have a refreshing sports drink instead? How will Goku, who had his mind swapped with Captain Ginyu's, defeat the cunning body-snatcher? Find out in today's Japan Time Time episode: GINYU THE FROG!
WEEK #25: November 5th to 9th, 2007
Day 120: Entry 143: Fox's misfortune
Day 120: Entry 144: Fire Emblem: Fire Emblem Theme
"?If danger approaches, retreat helter-skelter!"
A double entry of cool stuff, on a Monday? Hmmm. This does not bode well for all life on Earth. But maybe Friday's entry will be great anyway. Who knows? I mean, besides those who checked the site and still remember it, of course.
Now, firsto. Fox has crash landed (presumeably after being downed by Meta Knight's ship, if screenshots seen earlier are any indication) in the jungle, just in time to rescue Diddy Kong from a legendary Pokémon that sort of happened to be there. Brilliant! I really like how the movies we see seem to get more and more crossoverey over time. First you had the beginning of the game, with Mario characters, Kirby and Zelda, but they were in an arena. You sort of expect those sorts of weird interactions to happen in an arena. Somehow. Then, you had Pit doing Pitty stuff with Palutena. Crossover quotient: zero! Then... Snake gets briefed on Mario? DK's bananas get stolen by Bowser? And NOW, we have the situation I described earlier in the paragraph? Brilliant, as I said! I like crossovers, what can I say. The only thing missing is Captain Falcon appearing out of freaking nowhere to show them his moves.
TANGENT ALERT! TANGENT AHEAD! HE'S GOING ON ANOTHER FREAKING LONG TANGENT!
Oh yes, and the Pokémon is Raqueza. I know that because I looked it up, and also learned in the process that the thing apparently lives in the ozone layer. Somehow this strikes me as a bad place to set up shop in, but I guess you can do those things when you're so legendary. Not legendary enough to not get caught by the prepubescent kid who somehow has a whole bunch of other supposedly one-of-a-kind personnifications of forces of nature, of course, but I digress. I was just thinking, maybe they did a Pokémon movie with Raqueza in it already, but if they didn't, I've got this plot concept in my head that I think could work. So you've got this villain, right, who pollutes. And then he makes a hole in the ozone layer. Raqueza comes out, and starts destroying everything. Ash, who just has to always be around for those world-reshaping events, tries to stop the villain from polluting, but it's too late. Team Rocket shows up and barely does anything, but Team Rocket has to show up to provide comic relief at inappropriate moments. That's how it works. So then, Ash uses all of his Pokémon at once, and like, there's a Deus Ex Machina (I didn't really think that part through. Maybe it can involve, like, Zapdos.) and Raqueza is sealed back into the ozone layer. Then, the villain is beaten and learns a lesson about not polluting. Heck, since this is a japanese movie, he won't stop here. He'll learn a lesson about how industrialization was a bad idea to begin with and technology is completely wrong, and we should never have progressed beyond the Middle Ages, because then nature suffers and eventually decides to rebel with its supernatural nature powers. Oh, and there will be a short movie where Pikachu has wacky speechless adventures at the beginning and the parents in the audience strongly consider going out to buy snacks until it's finished.
TANGENT OVER!
Oh yes! There's another post! And it's music! Yay music! I like how latin has more or less become shorthand for any "foreign language no one speaks anymore". We need more of those. Does anyone still speak spanish? If so, they should stop immediately. It's almost the same as italian, anyway. So yes, that was a nice song for them to remix into a super-epic battle theme with epic latin chorus. I sadly don't know what it seems to be transitioning near the end, and my brother doesn't either, despite having played more Fire Emblem than I did. (He can somehow stand not being able to bring back lost allies even if you shell out like 25000 credits at the end of the mission!) This song is so epic that it brings to mind images of dozens of shirtless Fire Emblem characters, weapons in hand, marching down the battlefield while singing in latin for no clear reason. From afar, enemies flee in terror, for their epic song isn't nearly as good and doesn't repeat "Fire Emblem" nearly enough. Because as we all know, repeating the name of your series' McGuffin is a source of power.
TODAY'S RATING: 4 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 121: Entry 145: Items from Previous Installments
This time it gets REALLY long!
I hope my body can take it...
You become gigantic!
It was AWESOME! I didn't think his body could take it.
Well, I know I might be controversial in saying this, but you pay me to have these edgy opinions. Or, well, you don't, but you should. So yes, controversy: I like this update. You can take the time to pick the glass shards of your exploded monocle out of your eye before you read the next sentence. Done? Good. See, I've learned to see the bright side in those things after a while. Superpowerred evil alter-ego fueled by hatred of bad updates and all living things aside, I think these trials have made me a better person. I've endured weeks and weeks of thinly-disguised slow painful torture, so now, I appreciate the little things in life much better. It's a bit like coming back from a months-long trip to Africa and hugging your VCR, even though it's an obsolete noisy piece of hardware with poor picture-recording quality, because all Africans have is bamboo shoots, oral tradition and the assurance that nature will not rebel against them anytime soon.
So, what am I so happy about? The fact that they just crammed six potential terrible updates into a single underwhelming one. They'd have done it, too. They made an update about crates and barrels, remember? I don't know about you, but I prefer this greatly over the prospect of waking up one morning and seeing Sakurai trying his best to muster up enthusiasm about the lenght of his beam sword. Wait, wrong example. I think I could go on for several JTT entries about nothing but the lenght of my beam sword. But you get my point.
Now, a lightning round of factlets!
- The sword can get really long! This is cool. I loved beam swords before, and now I predict that I'll use nothing but these.
- The Fire Flower, after all these years, finally looks once more like its 8-bit sprites! And holy crap, it still feels really weird seeing Sonic hold one of those. Times are changing. I'm so proud of him.
- Freezies are still the EXACT SAME.
- Japan Time Time heartily endorses King DeDeDe's run for a seventeeth term as undisputed ruler of Dreamland! When December 1st comes, remember to vote!
- Everyone has a different home run stance now! They didn't use to?
- Look! In the party ball! It's a stopwatch! I believe this might be one of those from Super Mario Bros. 2. They stop time! This might be annoying to get on the recieving end of...Oh, man, now Charizard is REALLY getting huge!
Day 122: Entry 146: Gray Fox
Day 122: Entry 147: Grab and Throw
Awww! It makes you want to use him as a playable character.
Maybe in the sequel. This is the only thought that keeps me sleeping at night.
And the Metal Gear content keeps coming in! The second most awesome MGS character (after Otacon, who may not translate to assist trophy well) appears as an assist trophy, raising the game's awesomeness rating just a little more once again. Plus, ponder, if you will, the implications of this for Sonic's own appearance! We may now see a... huh... gee... Tails assist trophy! Wow! Of course, I doubt Yuji Naka is as enthousiastic about the game as I imagine Hideo Kojima to be. I can see it, you know. Kojima just barges into the Sora offices once every two weeks or so, and starts enthusiastically ranting at whoever will listen that he's got a great idea for stuff Snake could do, and then hands Sakurai a pile of documents stating he could basically make a whole MGS game around the Smash concept, and then Sakurai tries to be friendly but can't help but feel a little awkward. As Kojima starts telling him about the Mario Gear Solid crossover he's been thinking of for after this game is done, Sakurai interrupts him, apologizing and saying he's just been text-messaged by Yuji Naka, who requested an immediate meeting to discuss the finer points of Sonic's inclusion. It's only a half-truth, however, because the text message only consists of "yeah, sonic can use the spin dash sure. dunno about the up+b? something w/ rings? Heh"
Also, fun fact. Apparently, the japanese site's update had some more info. It seems Fox (the gray one) gets some lines when he appears, but says something different if Snake is on the battlefield. I figure they mustn't have said anything about that because they weren't sure they're record lines for him in the english version, maybe. But with Otacon, Mei Ling and Campbell all confirmed as returning just for silly cutscenes, I think we can afford to be hopeful.
Now, oh, hey, wow! It's a double update. I wonder if...
...
SAKURAAAAAAI!
I'm Masahiro Sakurai, but you may call me Director. I direct this development team, after all.
Hello.
Director! I mean Sakurai. What is this chicanery? Kudos for you including this as part of a double update, but this part about throwing causes me physical pain to look at. If this is anything like what you've got in store for Friday, this world had better say its prayers right away.
No worries, no worries! We have everything under control. Please look forward to it.
You try my patience, Sakurai. But very well.
TODAY'S RATING: 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 123: Entry 148: Lucas: Special Moves
They are from the same family of PK users.
Reread that. Ponder the implications.
They are from the same family of PK users.
are from the same family of
from the same family
Why... This could only mean... NESS IS
LUCAS' DAD!
(And a badass cowboy.)
Joking aside, I can only imagine the hordes of fanpeople speculating about this entry. Masses and masses of them, shirtless, singing in latin about how Ness has only been in the game up until now, which means THE END, or something equally ominous when said in latin. This makes me glad I'm only obsessed about this game enough to have set a car on fire when the game got delayed!
If you're asking me for my own theory, which you aren't but I'll pretend otherwise, I think Ness still has a shot at being in. I can't definitely say wether or not he will be, because you might not have noticed, but they didn't definitely say it either, and they're by far our most reliable source of information. I believe, by now, that pretty much all of SSBM's cast will be returning, save maybe for some of the more superfluous ones like Dr. Mario and Pichu. I mean, for heaven's sake, they put in the Ice Climbers. It would take a special brand of evil to put them in and not Ness. Lucas is similar, but Earthbound fans aside, I'm pretty sure some fans of the franchise (and not much else Nintendo) would really miss the funny kid with the cap. Instead, we have the funny kid with the funny haircut, but... it's not the same thing, you know?
One important argument I heard in the Ness-won't-come-back camp is that Sakurai apparently said he didn't want to bring back the "cloned" characters concept from Melee, wherein characters would share movesets but with some tiny tweaks here and there. However, I'd like to know the exact quote on this, because this leaves some room for interpretation. Take, for example, Luigi. I think I can safely bet my right hand (but I won't, because, well, my hand) that Luigi will come back. But now what? Will they give him an entirely different moveset? I think not! He is Mario's Player 2 counterpart and all. Luigi had the unique Luigi Rocket move in Melee already, and while he plays similarly to Mario, he's been tweaked enough to be a much more different gameplay experience than, by comparison, Dr. Mario. Would Luigi qualify as one of the clones getting axed, as is? I'm tempted to doubt it. (And this is unrelated, but I'm predicting that not only is he in, but his Down+B, like Mario's FLUDD replacement which pushes enemies away, will be changed for the Poltergust which pulls enemies in. Write that down just in case.) And here, coming back to Lucas, he seems to play similarly to Ness, but with a different move, a pretty different-looking basic attack pattern, and the expected tweaks. I believe there could be room for Ness still. They seem to be cramming in everything they can, and somehow I have trouble picturing a somewhat popular character from the past two games getting left on the cutting room floor, twin with a funky hairdo or not.
So bottomline, I still have no idea. HA! They may yet surprise us already. Or they may not. Who knows?
oh yeah and the moves are okay i guess
TODAY'S RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 124: Entry 149: Norfair
Whoa! That looks hot.
...
SAKURAAAAAAI!
This is it, the ultimate Smash Bros. Dojo entry! And please call me Director, as I told you before.
...
I figured, since you were a devil, that we could do something about a stage with lots of lava in it. You enjoyed it, right?
TODAY'S RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
(Seems we survived the Apocalypse. Knock on wood!)
1ST PLACE WINNER: As usual, we live in a Bizarro world where Mondays are great and Fridays are merely ordinary! I generally dig Subspace Emissary entries, and this one certainly doesn't disappoint. Adding in a pretty cool song was not necessary, but cakes are better with icing, don't you think? ...Speaking of which, the King's tribute isn't quite ready yet. Oh bother. I hope he won't throw a tantrum.
LAST PLACE LOSER: Lucas' moveset isn't so bad, but it's pretty crazy what speculation a single line will fuel. I prefer not to think about it too much, but look at what this thing is making me do! NEXT TIME, JAPAN TIME TIME! NEXT T-- All right, I don't think we need me to become a villain at this point. Superpowerred evil alter-ego fueled by hatred of bad updates and all living things aside.
THIS WEEK'S OVERALL RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
?And believe me I am still alive
I'm doing a game and I'm still alive
I feel fantastic and I'm still alive
While you are dying I'll be still alive
And when you're dead I'll be still alive
Still alive, still alive... ?
You too, huh?
On the last episode of Japan Time Time...
Hear me, human race! If your next Friday update doesn't make me pee my pants in delight, this entire planet will have to suffer dire consequences. As a warning, I will destroy Canada!
Farewell, maple leaves and Tim Horton's!
Oh no! I have to stop him! Devilsnotman! Eat my ultimate Friday update! SPECIAL LAVA ATTACK!
HAHAHAHA! I AM ABSORBING YOUR ATTACK AND IT ONLY MAKES ME STRONGER! I WILL DESTROY THE WORLD! BEHOLD, MY TRUE FORM!
SKREEEEEEEE!! SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
CHIRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!
WRYYYYYYYYYY
BREEEEEEEEEEEE!
FADE TO WHITE.
(Insert new, angstier opening theme.)
My name is Toad. Six days have passed since the blast. Six days have passed since... everything changed. Gone. Everyone is gone. All employees, including me, have been blown clear out of the Japan Time Time building by the explosion. I woke up to find myself in the middle of an empty wasteland.
Alone.
The overworld theme has changed since then. It's the... second one from Final Fantasy VII, I think? Either way, it's pretty depressing. Did I mention that the Japan Time Time building has grown like three times taller and looms ominously on the horizon, drawing dark clouds to it like a beacon of pure evil? Because it did.
Surviving hasn't been easy. Toads have never been of the hunter-gatherer type, and it shows. Most creatures I've found still alive are either tiny and riddled with disease, or something like three times stronger than what used to roam around these parts. Luckily, I quickly got the materials to fashion myself a crude fishing rod. Note for self, though: Don't eat the slow fish. Ugh.
With the leftover materials from the fishing rod, I made myself a crude short-wave radio. I figured if I would be looking for any more survivors, having some means of communications would help. They'd probably be trying to call for help somehow, too. So far I've been having no success tuning in to anything, but this all changed one fateful night. I was fiddling around with the dials, and, all of a sudden, I heard a very familiar voice...
JAPAN TIME TIME!
WEEK #26:November 12th to 16th, 2007
Hi, everyone. This is Snot Man, broadcasting from a nuclear shelter I can't disclose the location of!
I'd be glad to get some visitors or confirmation that there's still someone else out there, besides me and my superpowerred evil alter-ego, but well, superpowerred evil alter-ego wants to destroy his good side once and for all. Sorry about that, by the way. The whole destroying the world thing. It's okay, though, Devilsnotman grew powerful enough to not need my body anymore, so now I can atone neatly while still having an incarnation of pure evil (and frustration at the Smash Bros. Dojo) for everyone to hate! Oh, and good news. This shelter has Internet access, and it turns out the Smash Bros. Dojo didn't go offline either, nor did the game get pushed back because of the thing where most landmasses are now barren, lifeless wastelands. To make a long story short, this means Japan Time Time still continues! Knock on wood, folks!
Day 125: Entry 150: Ike: Final Smash
Do a standard special move to swing your blazing sword!
Pretending to be Voltron won't make you cooler, Ike. You should learn to just be yourself!
You know, I'm beginning to wonder if Final Smashes have always sucked this much. The last few ones have pretty much all disappointed me in some way or another. So maybe it's just me? Maybe I'm judging those by unrealistically high standarts of awesomeness I made up in my head?
TAAAAA NANANA!
JAPAN TIME TIME!
ANY NEWS?
WHAT'S UP IN SSB?
CAN WE STILL PLAY AS SONIC?
Nyyyyyope, the last ones just suck! Good to know, because I was starting to lose hope. This might just be because I never played that Fire Emblem and thus don't know the significance of this particular move (HA!) but it seems like one of the least spectacular ones so far. I mean, it's one of his ordinary moves turned up to 11. It looks like it miiiight be fun to use, but it's hardly original or very impressive. Shaaaaame on you, Nintendo! Shame on you for not coming up with anything crazier for a sword user to do when infused with PURE, RAW POWER. Couldn't he, like, slice the air and blow up tanks or anything? I mean, swordsmen keep doing that. MY TANKS, YOU **** SWORDSMEN! Ugh.
And here, interestingly, it says "In multiplayer brawls, you can move freely as long as you aren’t the one who’s suffering the Final Smash." This makes it sound as if it worked differently in other modes. Are opponents frozen into place when one gets the Smash Ball in one-player modes or something? Weird.
TODAY'S RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 126: Entry 151: Three Different Taunts
Snaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaake!
TRIPLE THE TAUNTS, TRIPLE THE FUN! What can I say? I like taunting! And this means that, statistically, everyone will have at least one taunt that doesn't suck, this time around! Mario will have at least one that doesn't take half an hour, Snake will go under his box (So it seems that won't be one of his moves!) and, hopefully, Ness will still say "Okay!" for no reason other than because that's what american kids do!... ...
...
*sob*
Anyway, this update is strange. We get some of these once in a while, where the english translation (or, well, the japanese text it was translated from) makes me raise my eyebrow. Let's look at the highlights!
Oh. A fairy.
Here, Link or Sakurai seems bored with the concept of a fairy. Like, "Oh, a fairy. Been there, done that. I suuuure wasn't expecting that. What's next? Rupees? Oh. Rupees."
Is this his mysterious pose from the Nintendo 64 version?!
This pose is very mysterious! Where did it come from? What were its true intentions? Why is it back now? Wasn't it dead?! How come it's so dreamy? Why won't it believe in the power of friendship? What is the source of its powerful abilities? Many mysteries, left unsolved.
She curls herself in some sort of new stretch.
Maybe "new stretch" is the exercise sensation in the US of A, I don't know, but that doesn't sound right. Plus, what exactly is Samus doing? It seems she's twirling or something, but she's "curling herself" in "some sort" of "new stretch". It looks sexy, but inexplicable. Hopefully I'll be able to solve the mystery of both the new stretch and the Nintendo 64 pose later.
He gives a shout on the spot.
Here, Fox will "give you" a "shout" on the "spot". I can't think of a good joke. So I'll just leave you with this. I can't have possibly been the only one who thought of that.
DRAGON DRAGON!
ROCK THE DRAGON!
DRAGON BALL Z!
(Instrumental)
TODAY'S RATING: 3 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 127: Entry 152: Handicap
Be kind to beginners!
MY LIFE HAS BEEN FOREVER CHANGED, MY MIND BLOWN AND MY SOCKS DRIED OFF INSTANTANEOUSLY! I CAN'T FIND MY MONOCLE AND MY HAT JUMPED RIGHT OFF THANKS TO THAT FAULTY AIR CONDITIONING SYSTEM! MY CAPS LOCK KEY JUST EXPLODED AND I'M FINE WITH IT BECAUSE IT ALLOWS ME TO TYPE OUT WHY EXACTLY THIS UPDATE ROCKED MY FACE INTO THE NEXT CENTURY! IT WILL ALSO ALLOW ME TO MAKE YOU UNEASY BY EXPLOITING THE MENTAL ASSOCIATION INTERNET NERDS EVENTUALLY MAKE BETWEEN CAPS LOCK TEXT AND PEOPLE SCREAMING OBNOXIOUSLY! IF I WERE ON A CHATROOM OR SOMETHING, YOU'D PROBABLY GO "UGH, TURN THAT CAPS LOCK OFF, YOU BUFFOON!" AND I DARESAY IT'S NOT BECAUSE YOU HAVE ANY PARTICULAR BEEF WITH CAPITAL LETTERS, BUT JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GET IT OUT OF YOUR HEAD THAT WHAT I'M QUIETLY TYPING HERE IS ACTUALLY SCREAMED AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS. FASCINATING, ISN'T IT? OH, RIGHT, THAT UPDATE MADE ME MORE OF A MAN THAN I EVER WAS!
Ahem. Okay, I'm done! So yeah, I didn't care much for that update at all. To me, this is one of those features you might see, go "neat", try out once then never again. I don't really intend to tutor newbies at the game, either, despite what Nintendo's PR department might want my non-gamer relatives to think. Of course, this has interesting applications for sudden death matches in tournaments, but do I look like I care about things that would be useful to have in tournaments? NO, I DON'T, HAHAHA. RIGHT BACK TO THE CAPS LOCK! HAHAHAHA!
TODAY'S RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 128: Entry 153: Meta Knight: Special Moves
Day 128: Entry 154: Kirby: Meta Knight’s Revenge
But, since he has so many peculiar moves, I wanted to explain them again.
SAKURAI I AM GOING TO END YOU AND THE WORLD YOU'RE STANDING ON-- oh right I already did that. Stay good, self! Stay good!
Seriously, it's like Sakurai was trying to get a reaction out of us here. We must not play his game! We must not dance like tiny puppets following his every whim! We must remain strong, and ignore his taunts! We must also not skim too much through those moves we've already seen, or else we might miss this:
This is a move you use to glide. It’s kind of like Kirby’s wing ability.
Strange. Does this mean that Kirby will be using his wing ability here, or was Sakurai just referencing the previous Kirby games he worked on in the past? I mean, I don't remember the Wing ability allowing you to actually glide. If anything, the most notable thing I recall it doing was that it made you fly a little differently. So yeah, I didn't use that ability much! Plus, it looked really stupid. So let's hope that was just some weird reference. Yes.
Also, it says this will be the move he uses to glide. Have they changed their minds as to what will trigger gliding? I looked it up and apparently that occurs after a mid-air jump, not the up+B move. Or maybe this is just specific to Meta Knight, whose wings aren't always present!
Oh, wait! This update isn't a complete waste of my time (if I don't like speculating, at least, which I gotta say I prefer making tangents about caps lock over). There's also a MUSIC update! They could've just made that the main update and left it at that. Sheesh. Listen to it! It's GREAT! I think I've already said that a couple of times before, but Kirby Super Star was one of my favorite games of all time. That track wasn't one of my favorites, but I still feel warm and fuzzy hearing it getting such a great remix of it. I predict that, if they remixed the song I liked the most (Here, have a midi if you want to know which one I'm talking about!), my head would explode and I would die a very happy Nintendo fanboy.
And now, Sakurai has the gall to complain that the "overly peppy song might be a little incongruous"!? Grrrr... Breathe, self, breathe... He just wants you to get angry... Yes... Must not let it get the best of you... Also, has anyone else noticed that he seems to be sound apologetic only for the great songs? Hm. Must be a "cultural thing".
TODAY'S RATING: 4 Smash Icons out of 5!
Day 129: Entry 155: Spectator
Just to make sure there’s no mistaking that just watching a match can be fun, we’ll be passing out stickers left and right.
Here's a great idea! Let's bribe people into trying this new mode. Now, I've actually seen a lot of people who seemed happy about that update, but I won't give in to public opinion! This is the ME SHOW, which is all about ME and where what you think is IRRELEVANT. YEAH! I really showed you.
Somehow, this all seems rather boring to me. I mean, I guess it's nice if I want to laze away and eat an oversized leg of fried chicken while drinking from a novelty soda cup with a giant straw and watching total strangers playing Smash... LIVE, but... I mean, it probably won't be very different from either leaving the game on Attract mode and watching the random battle demo they show there, or pitting four level 9 computers against each other in a battle royale to the death. Here, players are human, but does that really change much? They'll cheat less, of course, but there are also chances you'll catch some paraplegic 3 year olds who think picking Bowser will make them significantly more powerful than anyone else. (Not that I'm implying Bowser is or will be particularly bad here. The strong, slow bruiser type is a perfectly reasonable competitive character choice, right?!)
Now, if you could watch your FRIENDS play, that could be much more interesting. Once aggagain (that wasn't a typo, I just thought the word would be cool), this isn't a feature I could see myself use much, but it would at least be nice to know it's there.
It seems you can also bet coins on matches! Now this sounds a little bit more interesting, but still not really exciting. How can you tell who's going to win? Apparently, you know NOTHING about the competitors beside which character and stage they pick. Maybe you could just take the safe road and always bet on the higher-tier characters! Or maybe you could take the smart road and carefully study which characters are good in what stages and against who! Yes, I think that's how it's going to go, now. Already, I can picture my brother angrily walking up the stairs (because our Wii is in our basement, see, an information that may be capital if you wish to stalk me someday, so write that down), complaining that Donkey Kong should NOT have won against Wario on The Summit. If DK had done the RIGHT moves, he would have been completely dominated!
Now, stickers! I really like the comment I quoted above. How does it make any sense? "This is going to be fun! In case you don't think this is going to be fun, here! Have a sticker! In fact, have a BUNCH of stickers! Don't you like getting tons of worthless crap from basically doing nothing? Don't you? You should! You lazy american! It's what you do!"
ALSO! OMFG, Daisy is playable! I believe this is the first sighting of alternate color schemes on this site. Tell me if I'm wrong! Nothing really spectacular here, though, since all those colors already were in Melee pretty much as-is, and I see no extra costume parts or anything particularly interesting. Too bad, because I'm hoping for more drastic alternate costume changes, following the trend of Pikachu's many different hats and whatnot.
TODAY'S RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
1ST PLACE WINNER: Man. Not much choice at all this week. We really ARE back in the oldschool days of Japan Time! This feels so nostalgic and 8-bitty. I guess if I have to pick, I'll take the only double update this week. The Meta Knight bit I really could've done without, but I guess at least it's out of the way, and the song was actually pretty kickass, despite how utterly INCONGRUOUS it might be.
LAST PLACE LOSER: I'm torn between the handicap and Ike's Final Smash. Both were pretty lame, but I guess "Here is a change to a fairly minor (aside from computer player balancing in 1-player modes, we guess) gameplay feature we used to have before" will have to win the HALL OF SHAME this week. Sadly, since this world is only a dead husk and a shadow of its former self, King DeDeDe will only be recieving delicious pancakes as tribute for this... if he still lives.
Another boring week in general, huh. Well, I guess I gotta have SOME punishment for my terrible sin. This is a weight I must carry myself. I must atone... for her sake. And other cliché stuff like that!
THIS WEEK'S OVERALL RATING: 2 Smash Icons out of 5!
I turned the radio off. This didn't give me much useful information, but it gave me much more. Hope. There was at least one other person on this god-forsaken planet still alive. Thus, there was a chance, however slim, that members of the old gang might have made it. The path was clear. Even if I had to walk the entire world on these feet, brave the toughest bloodthirsty mutant foes and complete the most inane of fetch quests, I would find and reunite everyone.
I grabbed my large dramatic cloak, draped it on my shoulders, and began my journey through the Desert of Scavengers. That's what it's called now, I think.
Tune in this week-end as the final weekly Japan Time Time update goes live! It'll be a blast!
