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It's Japan Time Time! (Week #34)

Kirby King

Master Lameoid
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Posted by Snot Man

Due to delays in the completion of the final Japan Time Time Goes Back In Time, we’ve had to change the release date of the entry to when it's done (but not now).

I deeply apologize to the people who have looked forward to reading the entry for so long and ask that you hold on just a little longer. Thank you for your patience. I also promise that it will still be totally radical.

Hmmm? What's this? It's too early to joke about that? The tragedy is still too fresh in your mind? Well, excuuuuuuuuse me, Princess! I'm trying to cheer you up here, in case you didn't notice! ... ...Fine, be like that! ... Look, man, we're all totally bummed out about this. I know I am. But life has to go on, y'know? I know we've been waiting forever, and that to delay it yet again like that is a special kind of evil only Masahiro Sakurai is capable of. But if we just sit here and weep, we'll be playing right into his hands! It's exactly what he wants! But we'll show him. We'll show him that the power of love and courage triumphs over everything.

That said, let's take a look at how Japan Time Time will be rating entries this week. Introducing: The Delay-O-Meter!

<p align="center"><img src="/news/images/jtt/DelayOMeter.PNG" alt="The sad part about there being a February 29th this year is that it makes the delay longer." />
<strong>Excuuuuuuuuse me again, Princess!</strong></p>

As a demonstration, it's been set to exactly four weeks, the length of the delay we've suffered here. So how it is going to work, you ask? It's quite simple. For each entry we'll be reviewing today, the Delay-O-Meter will accurately calculate exactly how much longer I could stand to wait for the game if the delayed version had this feature but the non-delayed version didn't. So if there was an update outlining in detail everything that's in the game (while somehow leaving some surprises unspoiled), the Delay-O-Meter would show us the exact time between the game's announcement and its actual release. And if there was an update about a playable Lucario, the number would actually be negative because <strong>I HATE LUCARIO SO MUCH</strong>. Thankfully, this does not happen! (Please do not correct me on this if it does.)

Any questions? No? Good! Time to get this show in the road!

<strong>WEEK #34: January 14th to 18th, 2008</strong>

<strong><a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/various/various22.html">MONDAY: Challenges</a></strong>
<em>I mean, imagine you have a hammer, some pristine glass, and a friend who just keeps telling you to break the glass...</em>

Up until now, there were only a few ways to deal with unlockable content. Either you play through the game the way you want and stumble upon extras as you go, or you check GameFAQs immediately or spoil yourself everything there is to spoil. A good compromise, and the one I think most people go with, is to play as normal first, then go check the Internet to see if you've missed anything, and if it's worth it to try and eat 10,000 pizzas in the nearly impossible pizza-eating minigame in order to unlock a framed picture of Mona from WarioWare. An alternative I've recently found about is, for X-Box 360 players, to check the game's achievements list, at the top of which &quot;(Plot twist final boss) defeated: 40 points&quot;, only to find out that all the actually hard-to-get ones are kept hidden. (Based on a true story.)

But here, lo and behold! For Smash, they've come up with a new alternative. This is rather awesome, because it caters to both my urge to unlock things and my urge to smash stuff. The inclusion of golden hammers is also great, because you can just tell they're going to put in objectives that are impossible to normal people, like &quot;Eat 10,000 pizzas... in the HAMBURGER-eating minigame&quot; or &quot;Unlock everything in F-Zero GX without destroying your controller or killing anyone&quot;. The question, however, is how you'll get those hammers. Because if you get one for every 100,000 pizzas you eat, there might be a problem.

In case you're wondering, yeah, I'm eating pizza as I type this.

At the end, Sakurai warns us against friends forcing us to break glass we don't want to. He's right, as the temptation may be too strong for normal people to resist. When this happens, you have to learn to JUST SAY NO. Here's what happens when you don't learn to say no.

<img src="/news/images/jtt/Toad.PNG" /> Yay, I'm an innocent kid playing Smash Brawl and happy and stuff!

<img src="/news/images/jtt/Devil.PNG" /> Hey, kid. I've got something for you.

<img src="/news/images/jtt/Toad.PNG" /> A golden... hammer?

<img src="/news/images/jtt/Devil.PNG" /> That's right. First one's free. You use it to break those glass boxes and get the cool stuff inside. It's the easy way out, man. All the cool kids are doing it.

<img src="/news/images/jtt/Toad.PNG" /> I... don't know if that's a good idea. What if the Principal catches us?

<img src="/news/images/jtt/Devil.PNG" /> Trust me, he won't .

<img src="/news/images/jtt/Toad.PNG" /> ...

<img src="/news/images/jtt/Devil.PNG" /> What's the matter? <strong>CHICKEN?</strong> Hahaha! Look at the little mama's boy, too sissy to try out golden hammers!

<img src="/news/images/jtt/Toad.PNG" /> All right, all right! I'll do it! <strong>*SMASH*</strong>

And then, the next thing you know, his grades start slipping, his social life deteriorates, he steals money from his parents and everything you could ever imagine going wrong about him does! Don't be that boy! Now, here's what happens if you DO say no.

<img src="/news/images/jtt/Devil.PNG" /> What's the matter? <strong>CHICKEN?</strong> Hahaha! Look at the little mama's boy, too sissy to try out golden hammers!

<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/snakeuo3.png" /> Wait! Kid! I'm your idol, Solid Snake. And what I say is: Don't fall for it! <strong>Just say no!</strong>

<img src="/news/images/jtt/Toad.PNG" /> ...Okay. No!

<img src="/news/images/jtt/Devil.PNG" /> What? What?! NOOOOOOOO! <strong>I'M MEEEEEEEEEEELTING!! CUUUUUURSE YOU ALL!!</strong>

<img src="/news/images/jtt/Toad.PNG" /> Thanks, Snake!

<img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/snakeuo3.png" /> Winners don't use golden hammers unless absolutely necessary. Bonus point! ...Wait, who wrote this crap anyw--

And that's that.

<strong>TODAY'S DELAY:</strong> 1 week, 0 days, 7 hours, 38 minutes
<img src="/news/images/jtt/DelayOMeter1.PNG" alt="It may just be a bunch of blue boxes to you, but to me this means much, much more!" />


<strong><a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/stages/stage22.html">TUESDAY: Distant Planet</a></strong>
<em>... ... What am I saying. Of course it’s not safe.</em>

There's something you may not have noticed in the screenshots that you may not have noticed at first glance. It says a lot about the Distant Planet, and I highlighted it in case you missed it.

<p align="center"><img src="/news/images/jtt/Distant1.PNG" alt="In the remake they have the Lincoln Memorial with Emperor Bulblax's face and it's really weird." />
<strong>IT WAS EARTH ALL ALONG! DARN YOU ALL! DARN YOU ALL INTO HECK!</strong></p>

Of course, Earth as we know it never had any Bulborbs or Pikmin, so maybe there IS something to my Rita Repulsa theory from last week. I'm not really sure what, because her creating Pikmin and sending them to Earth sounds a little counterproductive in the grand &quot;defeating the Power Rangers&quot; scheme of things.

However, there's another thing about this screenshot.

<p align="center"><img src="/news/images/jtt/Distant2.PNG" alt="Smash Cola tastes like a slice of delicious lemon with a brick wrapped around it." />
<strong>S... Smash Cola?!</strong></p>

I can't help but wonder what that stuff tastes like. I mean, it's got the Smash logo on it, right? It's got to taste great. I've already got six crates ordered for when the game's released here, and I'm pondering getting some more... Failing that, maybe someone could make a fake label like that to put on real cans.

Somebody get on that, quick!

Also, hey, mini-contest: Come up with a slogan for Smash Cola and you win a special mention in a hidden image alt-text next week! The best I could think of was &quot;Smash Cola: It's smashingly refreshing!&quot; and that just helped remind me of why I don't write commercial jingles.

<strong>TODAY'S DELAY:</strong> 3 days, 19 hours, 19 minutes
<img src="/news/images/jtt/DelayOMeter2.PNG" alt="The stage looks interesting but rather confusing. That's right. The part where I actually talk about the update itself is the alt-text. Either way, I'd wait longer if Smash Cola actually existed." />


<strong><a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/sheik.html">WEDNESDAY: Sheik</a></strong>
<em>Sheik doesn’t appear in The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess.</em>

Hey! Sheik's back after all! I... I... um...

Oh, screw this. I'm sorry, I can't muster much enthusiasm for her(/his?!) return. I know, I know... It's just... aaaaaah!

The memories, the memories...

time for a game of smash
why
why
stop
if you are a ninja, then why
it hurts so much
whywhywhywhywhywywhywhy
the damage count keeps going up and up and up
i can't touch her/him even when i try
stop
the tears won't stop flowing
stop
where are all my lives gone
she/he knows where i sleep
pokéball go
chansey don't leave me
why did you do this you cruel hearted androgynous person
where do come from
all those little knives
still
where do the lives go
why
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
mother stepped in
i cannot use real violence to settle this
they will stop me
i must master the game or die trying
but sheik won't stop hitting me
HELP
my brother is invincible
why
no
yes
i will destroy his heart
burn stamp collection burn

the violent cycle begins anew
we are both crying inside
why

Um. Sorry. Zoned out a little here. I didn't say anything embarassing, did I? Where was I at, again? Oh, right, I don't like Sheik much. She/he's associated with some really hazy memories I'd rather not dig up. So instead, I'll just stick a caption to a picture and call it a day, okay? Thanks for understanding.

<p align="center"><img src="/news/files/images/sheik_080116c-l.jpg" alt="The fact that the design was scrapped makes me think there may have been a part of the story in TP where she actually does stuff besides shoot light arrows and get completely ignored in favor of Midna." />
<strong>Come back here you ****ed flying ninja! Don't make me get my jetpack!</strong></p>

<strong>TODAY'S DELAY:</strong> 6 days, 4 hours, 59 minutes
<img src="/news/images/jtt/DelayOMeter3.PNG" alt="Today's disturbing yet G-rated descent into madness was brought to you by Smash Cola! Smash Cola will leave you in despair!" />


<strong><a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/pikmin.html#3rd">THURSDAY: Pikmin &amp; Olimar: Final Smash</a></strong>
<em>Wild beasts everywhere! Aaaah!</em>

You can't fault this Final Smash for not being original. I was expecting a massive Pikmin rush, but we already have two or three &quot;git 'em, boys&quot; Final Smashes to begin with. Like everything I review, though, this brings up many questions no one else bothers to ask. Such as, why do all those enemies appear even when they're not on the Distant Planet? DeDeDe's goons I can understand, and I wouldn't put it past Pit to stuff a bunch of centurions in a bag before fighting Samus in Hyrule with the candlestick. But Olimar? Those things are constantly trying to kill him and his Pikmin friends because they're there. So what, are they following him around? From planet to planet? How does that make sense? Olimar escapes to the safety of space every night, where they can't get him. Something fishy is clearly going on, and I intend to get to the bottom of it.

What's he up to? Could it be that Olimar is actually bringing those creatures with him everywhere he goes? But for what purpose? Is he in such dire financial straits that he has to sell them as circus animals? Does he intend to open up an intergalactic zoo? Has he somehow managed to tame them into only attacking the people he orders them to? Or is he controlling them mentally via the antenna on his head? What are this sinister man's motivations? How can he control the sunset like that? Does he have the Ocarina of Time? Is Louie aware of what's going on? Where's Louie? Is he still alive? Who is the Milkman? Where is Waldo? Why are they called Bulborbs? WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CARMEN SANDIEGO? ...**** it. I need more evidence! If I can't prove what I'm saying with hard evidence, then it's all over!... Why, if only someone could burst into the room at the last second and give me exactly what I need...

...

Anytime now?

<strong>TODAY'S DELAY:</strong> 4 days, 2 hours, 15 minutes
<img src="/news/images/jtt/DelayOMeter4.PNG" alt="Smash Cola! It's another cheap 7-Up knockoff that has all the taste of retromutagen ooze and none of the cool mutation side-effects!" />


<strong><a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/gamemode/modea/modea12.html">FRIDAY: Sticker Power-Ups</a></strong>
<em>For some reason, you’re able to readjust the position of an applied sticker on its trophy base.</em>

Remember, a looooong while ago, when the Subspace Emissary was revealed, and they said we'd have an &quot;all-new method for powering up&quot;, something that's &quot;never been seen before&quot;? This seems to be it. I've been wondering about that one for a looooong time, and there it is! It's great, isn't it? If you disagree, I'll have a few words to say to you below. But first, I have some breaking news. <strong>There is absolutely nothing left to cover on the Smash Bros. Dojo anymore.</strong> We've seen all the stages that were in previous trailers, all characters have had extensive coverage, there's a song and a stage for pretty much every single game universe included in the game that we know about, I'm pretty sure they've run out of stuff from previous games to tell us about, and it might be too late now to introduce new characters. Heck, the only thing I can think of that still needs to be revealed is a couple of boring menus and Zelda's Final Smash.

<a href="http://www.smashbros.com/en_us/characters/zelda.html#3rd">...Oh, crap.</a>

That said, let's get this straight. I LOVE this update! I'm looking forward to getting all those sticker power-ups juuuuust right and fitting them all together like pieces of a particularly game-breaking puzzle. This is just the type of person I am. You may not like it yourself, however. Why? Because this is the type of person you are. You see, there are two types of people in this world. I will describe them as &quot;Type A&quot;, which I'm a part of, and &quot;Type B&quot;, which I'm not. To determine which type you are, answer this short personality test below and use the answer key at the end to interpret your results.

<strong>Question 1:</strong> Did you like the Friday update about sticker power-ups?
A) Yes
B) No

<strong>Answer key:
Question 1:</strong>
A) 1 point
B) 0 points

<strong>If you got 1 point or more, congratulations! You're a Type A!</strong>
Type A people were happy when they saw this update. They liked it in Mega Man Battle Network 3 when they introduced a weird upgrade system where you sort of fit Tetris pieces together in order to customize Mega Man into a perfect virus-killing machine without making him glitch. You enjoy visual puzzles and don't mind too much if they mean you'll want to fiddle around a bit before getting back to the action. The endless customization possibilities this brings fill you with joy. You look forward to collecting stickers because they're cool and have the faces of cool characters on them. You're cool, outgoing, and your friends like being around you. You enjoy cool video games like Super Smash Bros., Metal Gear Solid and Super Robot Taisen: Original Generation for the Game Boy Advance as well as its sequel, also for the Game Boy Advance (come on guys go buy it or else they won't translate the new games). You are cool just like Snot Man!

<strong>If you got 0 points or less, keep trying! You're a Type B!</strong>
Type B people grunted in disgust when they saw this update. In Mega Man Battle Network 3, when the Navi customization system was introduced, they threw their GBA at the wall in frustration because they have no brains and couldn't figure it out. You don't want the action to be interrupted because all you think about is violence, and it's only a matter of time before you bring a gun to school. You worship Jack Thompson and do everything in your power to prove him right even if he hates you. In fact, maybe you even worship Satan himself. You won't like collecting stickers because you're stupid and stinky, and when your friends hang out with you it's because they're all really vampire hunters in disguise acting buddy-buddy to ascertain wether or not you're a murderous blood-sucking demon. Turns out you're one, by the way. You like terrible video games like ET for the Atari, Superman 64 and Star Fox Command. You're totally uncool, unlike Snot Man.

<strong>TODAY'S DELAY:</strong> 1 week, 1 day, 13 hours, 49 minutes
<img src="/news/images/jtt/DelayOMeter5.PNG" alt="It's rumored that there is an even worse group out there, the Type Cs. Type C people are no different from the members of Type B, except for one thing. They can't take a joke." />


<p align="center"><strong>GAME!</strong>
(What happened to my special effects budget anyway?)</p>

<strong>1ST PLACE WINNER:</strong> This week, all the cool kids hang out at the Stickers Power-Up club, where they get free stickers to put on their skateboards as well as golden hammers to break all the windows they want with. They wear special leather jackets that make them look more menacing.
<strong>LAST PLACE LOSER:</strong> Type B losers get it lucky this week, because they get to hang out on the Distant Planet, which is really not that bad a place after all. If you don't count all the roaming creatures trying to eat them whole, at least.

Oh! And I forgot to mention. This week, we won't be making an average of the week's entries' ratings. Rather, we'll be adding them up. It makes much more sense that way, doesn't it? That way, we'll know exactly how long a delay we'd endure for this week's updates!

<strong>THIS WEEK'S TOTAL DELAY:</strong> 4 WEEKS, 0 DAYS, 0 HOURS AND 0 MINUTES
<img src="/news/images/jtt/DelayOMeter.PNG" alt="I think I'm on to something, here." />
Um... funny how that works, huh?

All righty then! Are you cheered up now? Yes? No? If not, well... Try this!!

<p align="center"><img src="/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/modea11_071226b-l.jpg" alt="I am still not sick of this image and I will never be." />
<strong>Ooooooooooooooooooooh!</strong></p>

Still not working? Hm. I guess if my efforts can't cheer you up, you are clearly suffering from a very serious case of depression and need immediate counseling. Go! Quick! Call Sigmund Freud or something! He'll fix you right up! Don't worry about the fees, just put them on my tab. All right! You go, girl/guy/person!

So, for those who have been properly cheered up, great! Now I can drop the bad news. I'm sorry to say I don't think I'll continue writing Japan Time Time once the game is released in Japan, as I have a terrible case of Spoileritis, a deadly affliction that takes effect whenever exposed to spoilers or traces of peanuts. And once the game's out in Japan, I suspect they'll either stop updating or start revealing hidden content, so... off to the Spoiler Bunker I will go! But on the bright side, since the game's been delayed in Japan for a week, that means you'll actually be getting an extra week of Japan Time Time! And don't worry, I'm planning on writing a special entry once the game has been released here. I will put lots of fighting spirit into making it awesome, so please look forward to it.

And of course, keep your eyes peeled for the final Japan Time Time Goes Back In Time, which should be coming shortly and is so jam-packed with awesome you could probably endure a delay of 73 weeks for it anyway! And of course, tune in next week, as we cover Sakurai's apology letter for not having anything left to cover on the blog at all, a bunch of pictures of his pets, and a <a href="http://www.lasagnacat.com/">Lasagna Cat</a> video I found funny! (Probably the Final Fantasy parody or the trippy purse one.) Until then, Smash fans, keep on... smashing, I guess!
 

Cyberlink420

Smash Ace
Joined
Sep 19, 2006
Messages
655
Location
The recesses of my own mind
NNID
cyberlink420
3DS FC
1461-6271-9006
Smash Cola: Because you desperate fanboys will buy anything with the word Smash on it no matter what we put in it.*

*Now available in Coin Mode Cherry and Lucariorange!
 

marioseven

Smash Cadet
Joined
Dec 17, 2007
Messages
30
Location
In the waiting line for Brawl
smash cola

"When you need that special boost for your smash skillz"
may cause dyslexia, AIDS, Death, and your character to act like Chuck Norris.


That sticker update is awesome. I hope it can increase the power of a final smash.
 

2007

Smash Ace
Joined
Aug 13, 2007
Messages
752
Location
84604
what happened to snot man?
I ean, that was obviously him, but just wondering why Kirby King's here posting it.
an excellent job BTW. i love all your fancy meters, even if some of them are crap (drunk meter w00t)
=2007=
 

Jesus Rules

Smash Rookie
Joined
Jan 11, 2008
Messages
1
That was hillarious!

I can draw the conclusion that when you were writing about Sheik, you were most likely in a craze from eating a suit case full of candy bars, and then washing them down with 5 Mountain Dews, 5 Red Bulls, and the 15 shots of Starbucks. Am I correct?

Anyway, nice job and...

(Wouldn't it be sweet if you could be your Mii's in Brawl!?! Knowing how random and spontaneous Sakuari is, he'll probably through that it in.)
 

Snot Man

Smash Cadet
Joined
Oct 19, 2007
Messages
35
Location
Quebec, Canada
Yeah, I'm not sure why it says KK posted it now and it didn't before, but don't ask me, I don't know nuthin' about those technical things!

And not quite, JR. The only thing I drink these days is Smash Cola. It's smashically delicious!
 
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