How to become a Professional Smash Player

[Saor Gael]

Having been around the block once or twice, I know what can make YOU a truly competitive Smash player. With Brawl right around the corner, when better to hone your skills and become TRULY 1337?

Sure, you may think things like "skills", "mindgames", and "knowledge" are important, but there is something else that is EVEN MORE important to the competitive world of Smash.

Without further ado, the most important things an up-and-coming Smash pro needs to know!

1) Arrogance. You must be arrogant to the point that your ego threatens to collapse into a black hole and swallow your neighborhood. You must not just be confident in your skills and knowledge, you must KNOW that there is nothing in the universe that holds a star to your greatness. You must only have contact with people who are close to you in "1337ness", and have private forums to discuss your important things that are above the heads of the primitive "non-1337".

2) Resistance to ALL CHANGE! You must constantly and ceaselessly complain about ALL deviations from "True Smash" of Melee to what they are creating in the "false Smash" of Brawl. Adhere to this Dogma like Moses clung to the Ten Commandments, for it is the Law of (Pro) Smash.

3) Hate the n00b, for he is your foe. All Smash "n00bs" are your foes. You must never stop in your holy crusade to banish them with your "1337" skillz. And arrogance. Yes, lord your mastery of the video game over them like a primeval god-king brandishes his scepter. No n00b can be your equal.

4) Hate the tools of the n00b. They are called "items" and "banned levels". They are the work of the Devil, and must be treated as such. Never touched, never allowed to see the light of day. On the Armageddon they will be cast into the pits of "Smash Hell".

This is all. Heed my words and a Smash Pro you WILL be.

*bows*

(If it wasn't obvious enough, I'm just joking. :D No real offense intended.)

 

[Darkfur]

(If it wasn't obvious enough, I'm just joking. :D No real offense intended.)

Joke or not, this is a touchy subject, and people don't like being lumped into your description... which fits elitists more than pro smashers. :/

Joke or not I expect this to turn into a flame war... *sigh* v_v *starts attempting to put Flameretardent Wallpaper up around the topic and over all of the furniture, as well as donning flame retardent clothing.*

 

[kunai_abuser]

Um... Okay!

 

[Saor Gael]

Joke or not, this is a touchy subject, and people don't like being lumped into your description... which fits elitists more than pro smashers. :/

Joke or not I expect this to turn into a flame war... *sigh* v_v *starts attempting to put Flameretardent Wallpaper up around the topic and over all of the furniture, as well as donning flame retardent clothing.*

"**** 'em if they can't take a joke."

-Annals of the Four Masters

 

[nindgod]

Wise words Sael Goar

 

[disfunction47]

Wow nice *slowly claps*

 

[Jumpinjahosafa]

This man deserves an award!

 

[geogaither]

The REAL joke is on them when they start to flame you!

 

[Darkfur]

I doubt he'd be the one getting flamed. It'd be some casual or some elitist that starts jabbing at the other side, and then it turns into a side to side flame war, TC not included. :/

 

[Bailheit]

I followed your advice and I still can't beat level 9 CPU's in Melee......

 

[Chi's Finest]

In before flame war erupts eventually.

This reminds me of the video for How to be an MLG pro.

Thumbs up to this thread I suppose.

 

[Xanderous]

This guy's an *******. Way to make generalizations and put down half the forums.

 

[Sl1th]

Get this man a "Sarcsm: one of the many services I offer" shirts.

 

[nonemus]

I followed your advice and I still can't beat level 9 CPU's in Melee......

Well, practice makes perfect...

 

[Xanderous]

It's not even good sarcasm. It's as basic as you can get.

 

[Maikeru17]

Joke or not, there's probably a lot of people whom are able to "take jokes" (such as myself) that could potentially find this insulting.
I don't find it insulting, because I know I don't fit any single bit of your "description", however it doesn't change the fact that this stereotype is ****ing ********.

-Nox

 

[matthewmilad]

lol

Lol wow, you hit the nail right on the head.
LOL. I'm glad I'm pro, lol.

 

[Xanderous]

Where did those stereotype even come from? It's not based in truth at all.

 

[Saor Gael]

It's not

If you read that real quick it looks like 'snot'.

I made it very obvious for your sake, Xanderous.

Nah, I'm kidding again. I love this guy.

 

[wWw Dazwa]

2/10 meh.

 

[Kirby knight]

Wow, this topic reminded me of that awful topic M2K made about "wavedashing". Still such generalizations aren't that funny.

-Knight

 

[Itakio]

The last bit just sort of ruined it. You can't make a joke and not offend somebody. The point of a joke is to make fun of something or someone.

Plus, the joke's been done too many times already.

 

[Sl1th]

Wheres the thread grim reaper when you need him?

 

[Xanderous]

Seriously, you can't just say "no offense, but you're ****ing ugly." The "no offense" doesn't counteract the insult, and neither does saying "I'm joking."

 

[Saor Gael]

The last bit just sort of ruined it. You can't make a joke and not offend somebody. The point of a joke is to make fun of something or someone.

Plus, the joke's been done too many times already.

So in the joke about the glove box not being made for gloves, what's being mocked? The glove box, the gloves . . . Or the commies?

Seriously, you can't just say "no offense, but you're ****ing ugly." The "no offense" doesn't counteract the insult, and neither does saying "I'm joking."

Actually, I've found you can! Saying "with all due respect" helps, too.

You're right this is bad sarcasm, btw. That's because it's satire.

 

[Xanderous]

Okay, cool, it's satire. You're still ****ing stupid.

Nah, you're okay. That was a pretty good movie. Let's do lunch.

 

[Saor Gael]

Okay, cool, it's satire. You're still ****ing stupid.

Nah, you're okay. That was a pretty good movie. Let's do lunch.

Sure, I'll bring the tacos!

I read a science paper that said those who can't take satire statistically have smaller "parts" than those who can! Interesting, isn't it?

 

[Itakio]

So in the joke about the glove box not being made for gloves, what's being mocked? The glove box, the gloves . . . Or the commies?

It's who named it the "glove box."

 

[Saor Gael]

It's who named it the "glove box."

False. It's staplers. I mean popsicles.

Sorry, in-joke! When I worked at a science library, we had a crazy guy come in and ask "Can I borrow your popsicle? I mean, stapler?". True story.

On topic, I think we can agree that I do deserve an award.

 

[Itakio]

False. It's staplers. I mean popsicles.

Sorry, in-joke! When I worked at a science library, we had a crazy guy come in and ask "Can I borrow your popsicle? I mean, stapler?". True story.

On topic, I think we can agree that I do deserve an award.

I found it ironic that you changed the subject and went back "on topic" in the same post.

 

[Saor Gael]

I found it ironic that you changed the subject and went back "on topic" in the same post.

So you no longer find it ironic. However, this is merely more proof of my awesomeness.

To be serious for a moment, laughing is good for you. Just loosen that ol' sphincter, take the stick out, and have a big belly laugh at something absurd! It really does heal stress damage to the brain. =D Isn't that cool?