“We were very excited," said one researcher. “I mean, humanity has been waiting for this moment for three thousand years, so there was no telling how profound this interaction would be.”
Smashboards was flown in by SETI themselves to report on the event, for some reason. We were there to report the first radio signals that were intercepted this morning. The entire globe was tuned in to witness the history unfolding before them, and that’s when the message was translated.
“Stop sending signals. Why do you think we haven’t made contact with you up to this point? Fermi Paradox? Nah. It’s that little blue [expletive] you people play at tournaments.” The creature went on to explain humanity's flawed logic.
“Did you really think you were alone in the Universe? I mean what’s really more likely, that the chances of Earth-like biological complexity on other planets is extremely slim or we were avoiding contact because of a character released in a party-game in 2008 and again in 2014?”
The creature then gave an ultimatum.
“Remove him from the game or at least give him a nerf, give him Ganon's speed or something, then we will consider visiting, maybe.”
Creator of the Super Smash Bros. Franchise, Masahiro Sakurai, has since come out with a solution to please our intergalactic friends.
“We have heard their complaints and we here at Nintendo have come to an agreement on what is to be done,” He paused before continuing. “We have decided to remove Jigglypuff from the game. Thank you, please understand.”
Hopefully this is enough to prevent the total war that they have threatened us with.
Update: Looks like we’re going to war.
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