Today I have the opportunity to interview John, the man behind the phrase “No Johns”. The familiar expression denoting “an excuse for a player's under performance that results in a loss in a Smash Bros. game”, has long been a cornerstone of competitive Smash Bros. culture. John was a surprisingly easy man to find, and he was shockingly located rather close to where I, William Cozens, currently live. I will give his number a call and post updates accordingly.
William Cozens calls
William Cozens: “How are you, John?”
John: “Uhh, I’m good, who are yo-”
W: “John, let me just say thank you for having done so much for our community”
J: “I, uhhh, what community are you talking about? And what have I done exactly?”
W: “Classic John. Your modesty is admirable.”
W: “Yes moving on. So if anyone watched the Smash Brothers Documentary, they know that your legacy starts in Texas. How does it feel being a representative of the Texas Smash Scene?
J: “I’m from Des Moines. And I’m not entirely sure what a ‘smash brother’ even is. How did you get this number?”
W: “I’ll ask the questions John.”
J: “You are aware there are millions upon millions of John’s out there? Did you just call the one closest to you and assume-”
J: “No, John.”
William Cozens hangs up
It seems as though I may have originally phoned the wrong “John”. But out of sheer luck I was able to find the number of somebody I believed to be the real John, and conveniently he too was not located far from my area.
W: “Hello, John?”
J: “Yes, who's asking?”
W: “I'm William Cozens with Smashboards. We’re calling to ask you whether ‘not getting enough sleep’ is a proper John at a tournament. For far too long it seems as if this a common excuse for top players who have performed poorly yet do not want to come to the obvious conclusion that they were outplayed. Given the ratio of those who use this John and those who do not, do you think that the notion of players getting inadequate sleep is a valid excuse for under performing or should we realize the frequent usage of said John is nothing but a mere defensive mechanism to hide the truth?”
John hangs up
After 2 faux Johns, I thought to myself that I must be in the midst of some sort of large scale identity fraud. For a moment I was going to abandon the project entirely, but nonetheless I persisted. After hundreds of phone calls ending up similar to the two above, I managed to finally strike gold and find the authentic John, the one I had been seeking since last week.
The conversation went like as follows:
W: “Hey, is this the John whom the “No Johns” phrase is based off of?”
J: “Geez, wow, yes it is. Wait, are you the Smashboards guy?”
W: “Yes indeed. Terribly sorry for the wait, I had some trouble finding your number”
J: “Oh.. Didn’t we exchange contact info in the emails we sent each other prior though?”
W: “Right. Anyway, are you able to do a short interview?”
J: “Uh yeah in a bit. I’m a little busy at the moment”
W: “No johns haha”
W: “Like your phrase.. No johns, no excuses. Sorry”
J: “Dude, my mother is in the hospital right now. I’m tending to her”
W: “Oh my god, I had no idea, oh my god. I’m so sorry”
W: “So does this mean the interview is off?”
J: “Don’t call this number again”
John hangs up
Well, I suppose that did not go as well as I originally planned. I have sent John numerous phone calls since, but as indicated by his lack of response I assume I have been blocked. The more I think about it though, the more I think I might’ve been pranked, and that the person I called wasn’t the real John.
Perhaps I will try phoning the first John again.
______________________________Comedy Corner is a series of satirical articles by Smashboards' William Cozens. Be sure to come back every Saturday for your fill of Smash-related comedy!