‘VIP’ Sections at Tournaments Revealed to be Pressrooms for Melee’s Script

Earlier this week, on October 22nd, it was discovered that rooms solely dedicated to the meticulously planning and altering of tournament outcomes , or ‘script rooms’ have been operating under the pretense of ‘top player lounges’. The call for such sections was fervent among top players who desired a private room to remain undisturbed by fans. This of course was a lie to cover up the large misdeed going on under our noses.

The emergence of these rooms into the public eye is due to information provided by an anonymous script room insider, whose name we have changed for the sake of identity. Our informant, under the alias of Robby “Czar” Czarnewman, told us of how as the Smash scene grew, more and more space was required to keep reworking the script. This eventually reached the point where they had to have “on-site pressrooms” for all things related to their cause.

“We needed space to work,” Czarnewman said. “The back of Blur’s car just wasn't enough”

Smashboards had the chance to explore one of the aforementioned rooms at the latest major, Eclipse. Smashboards’ editor-in-chief, Justin “Popi” Banusing, was on the scene to report. He describes his experience below.

“I was told to come shortly after the tournament had concluded and everyone had dispersed. And so it was around 2 o'clock that I entered the venue, which was at the time was strangely dark and frankly quite ominous. My fears getting the best of me, I reached for a nearby light switch only to find that I was stopped short by a sudden grab at my wrist followed by a voice that told me to follow it.”

“Naturally, I obliged and was taken down a mysterious hallway that didn't seem to be part of the venue at all, illuminated only by a small torch held by my captor. I could not get a good look at the man at first, for he was walking quite fast and was a good deal separated from me. However, it soon became apparent that he was dressed in some sort of friar's garb with the hood pulled over his face.”

“I was then led into a spiraling pit of stairs before the man quickly turned away and left me on my own. I was a bit confused but proceeded on down anyway. As I made my way descent, there began a crescendo of what sounded like Gregorian Chant. I shortly entered a room lit only by candles, and occupied by two or three fellows dressed similarly to man who led me to the stairs. One, who looked strikingly similar to Mew2King, was in the corner scratching away various details onto a sheet of parchment next to an oil lamp, and didn't seem to pay me much attention. The other two however, whose faces I could not quite make out, gave me a wild look upon my entrance, and I was told to leave. That is the extent of my knowledge about the place.”
The question still remains though, why would the communities most prominent members deceive the fans like this? This we asked quickly to Mr. Czarnewman before he had to leave for unknown reasons.

“You still don't get it do you,” he said. “You are ALL part of the script. Not one of you isn't. You're all the emblems of the scripts creation.”

“All of you, every one of you. Your suffering, your woes, the haunting ineptitude hovering above you everyday, every single missed opportunity, pang of conscience and horrible nightmare of reality you have had and will have on this miserable planet was devised by us,” he declared before adding: “All in good fun, of course.”

Indeed, if we apply Occam's Razor to the situation, it appears none of us have free will but we are instead pawns of a massive conspiracy headed by a few of Melee’s most prominent members. But before you have your life shattering ego death, Czar assures us that at the very least, we will have good Melee to watch. And existential crisis's aside, “that's pretty worth it.”
 
Last edited:
William "Wncozens" Cozens

Comments

#3
I've been scripted to leave a comment here, so...good job, comedy corner writer(s). You've figured out the truth.
I used to be angry at the covenant too, until I realized something.
All my losses have been scripted, and not because I'm bad at the game itself. And that, friends, is an unbeatable john.
gg.
 
#4
I've been scripted to leave a comment here, so...good job, comedy corner writer(s). You've figured out the truth.
I used to be angry at the covenant too, until I realized something.
All my losses have been scripted, and not because I'm bad at the game itself. And that, friends, is an unbeatable john.
gg.
ya got me
 
#5
I was one of the guys in that room. I can confirm that 20XX was planned from the beginning. We decided to create a peaceful society of a Fox, Falco, Marth, and Jigglypuff metagame. This is because the true metagame would have created total mayhem. It would have caused the end of the world. The entire world would be in chaos, and everybody would be killing everyone out of salt. The sodium level of the entire planet would have risen so high that the planet would have exploded.

However, after a while, the metagame rose to the point where we were having trouble making sure nobody figured out what the true metagame was. Because of this, we had to create Leffen. Leffen made sure that nobody would figure it out by defeating all the gods in tournament and by being aggresive and controversial towards the rest of the community. He made sure to 5-0 anyone who started to figure out the truth about the metagame, and forced them out of the community.

Leffen was able to make sure almost nobody found out what the true metagame was. However, 2 people found it out; PPMD and Hax. Has was a major blow to us, as he got the metagame closer and closer to 20XX, but we had no choice. We destroyed his hands. We made sure he would never compete in a tournament ever again, and made sure his hands could never ever be fixed. PPMD was punished even worse; he was taken to the smash prison, "Poke Floats with Items On". We then forced him to make up fake stories as to why he coukdn't attend tournaments anymore. Ever since, nobody found out ever again, and all was peaceful.

The true #1 character in the game?

:kirbymelee:
 
#8
Czar was actually Sakurai trying to sabotage the competitive community (again). Of course, he didn't succeed.
 
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